This is the song that I keep hearing over and over the last few weeks. I hear it when I get in the car , I hear it on my computer, I even heard it on TV. Do I have something to say ? Do I have something that needs to be heard? Take my fear away , close my eyes and just speak Callahan just speak ! Be BRAVE !!!! Say what it is that is on your heart , in your mind, and in your soul. As hard as it is to admit and accept people are listening. That's something new for me and I think that is why its so very hard.
I have a big problem doing that just being able to say what I need to say. If you all could hear the noise in my head during every conversation , wanting to find the right words, not wanting to say too much, not wanting to scare people away, wanting to share so much of my heart. More often than not, I just don't say anything because by the time I do get my thoughts together the topic has passed anyway. When I do open my mouth and manage words its important and listen close, there are some important things that you need to know. About me about the world about how I see things. I see things different, just my life experience, and I get it, sometimes that's hard to understand but please listen, its well worth your time. I have been getting frustrated lately that even when I have somehow grabbed the courage and opened my mouth,I get looked over or worse talked over . I speak if I have something to say, I DO NOT talk just to hear myself speak. I have more questions in my head than you can even imagine. If I spoke all that was in my head I am convinced I would speak for years on end. A few friends have even asked how I was and I couldn't honestly give them a response, I don't want to be that whiny baby so I either say nothing and smile or smile and say thank you for thinking of me. I fear that my life will get old and people will be sick of dealing with me so I stay silent. I often feel terrible for the people around me, like oh poor things to be around when I open my mouth. Sad, but true. I worry how the words come out usually too fast, often confusing and in my head its like a megaphone.
But goodness I need to speak, and I am sure my words won't come out pretty , or even understandable at times but at least they will be out. Lately there have been a lot of things that I don't have words for, and oh I wish I could find them but I am working on that. My entire life I have spoken words and not been believed or had to prove myself, and I have to get it through my head that the people I am around today are not the people that I grew up with. The ones that are around me today have kind hearts and souls that care about me even in my craziness.
As a little kid it was kind of known that you couldn't give your opinion or tell your thoughts they were either stupid or no one really cared. There was always something that was more important than my words. I always was talked over and not listened to so when that happens it makes me so angry that honestly I totally shut down and pull away. My No's were never listened to. My worries were never taken seriously. My thoughts never cared about. My heart never held.
So as I am finding my voice in this life at this time, in this moment I ask that you be patient as I stumble with my words, please ask me lots of questions if I don't make sense or you don't understand and listen as I find the courage to say all the things that I need to say.
