Things she would say

This is to interview me at 13.  Because no matter how far away or how different she feels I am her and she is me.  As much as I wish she wasn't a part of me; there is nothing I can do to make things different, nothing I can do to make them go away.  All those awful unimaginable things happened, and they happened to her.  There are pieces of me that think If I can keep her over there, I don't have to claim those things that were done to her because it was her.  she was the strong one that survived kept going and always had a smile.  She never ever gave up, and I can tell you daily that it is a thought for me.  She is something I don't understand.  She is strong, she is devastated and she  just wanted someone to be kind.  She wanted nothing more than to be loved,  and that was not a luxury that she received. When I think about 13 really that is not that long to have lived life.  13 years, just 13 years and everything that was important being taken that is a big deal.  So 13 year old you this is for the girl that you were and the women I want you to become.  Tell your story, tell your truth and I am here to listen. 

Are you doing ok today? 

That is a hard question really. Because I have to be ; because it doesn't really matter,  I have to do everything all by myself.  There are not people that are going to step up and care for me. There is not one person who cares and listens to me. There is not one person who is solely on my side sticking up for me. I am the black sheep the one that is always different always asking questions.  I learned a long time ago, just to clean up and keep going .  I know that people think I am a liar.  They think I just want attention.  If they knew me at all they would know I am exactly the opposite. 

What are some things that you believe about yourself ? 

I get in the way and stand out more than I should. I believe that I am pesky. I ask for way to much.  I am way to needy,  I haven't learned to just stop asking for what I need because those things just aren't available for me.  With all of the things that have happened to me I believe I am pretty unlovable.  I feel gross and disgusting I really don't think that anyone can truly love me with all the things that have happened .  I know that I will never have a husband, I will never be a bride those things are just not meant for me.  I have a deep down feeling that I was meant to be alone.  Because really who wants to be with someone that is used goods you know ?  

Do you believe that you will ever find your own happy? 

I guess I kind of already answered this,  I will not find the fairy tale kind of happy that I think a lot of 13 year old's dream of.  When I picture happy some of those things just aren't meant for me. No one wants happily ever after with used goods.  I would like to say that there is a small piece of hope there, but its so small that I can't find it anymore.  

What was the worst part of being 13 for you ?

How I was treated by everyone. I was never any ones favorite or anyone's special person There were not many kindnesses shown to me, and I learned not to expect them anymore really.  I walked around feeling like I was so far away from everyone else.  They were laughing in school talking about boys and parties and friends and my life was so far apart from that.  People I was in school with didn't have a care in the world.  They didn't have to look over their shoulder or worry about safety and the weight of that on me was huge.  I worried all the time.  I was afraid all the time that I would be hurt again. I was also pregnant did you know that ?  I don't know how no one noticed or cared for me but then no one noticed anything.  The things that happened to me, the things that took everything away the things that made me gross and disgusting.  I wanted to be a part of the good fun things but I was different the things that happened made me different and I was never included, Ha Kind of like Rudolf. So sad that I missed so much.

What are you still afraid of  ?

I am not sure there is enough paper in the world for me to answer that question. I am afraid all the time. I am afraid that I can't find the words.  I am afraid of being alone I am always afraid that I am going to be hurt again and I won't make it.  I am afraid that I am going to  make too much noise and bother people. I am afraid that I won't be believed and people will think I just want attention. I am afraid that I will never feel better.  I am afraid that I will never truly find happy.  I am afraid that I will never get my story out of me.  I am afraid that I will be hated and disbelieved.  I am afraid that even if I could tell me story, I wouldn't be believed and that is something I can't take.  I am afraid of the pieces that I don't know and don't remember.  I am afraid that I am going to have to carry all of this with me forever because its not fair for someone to be brought into such craziness.  I am afraid that I will never be loved and worthy.

What are things that you believe about yourself, because of every ones actions towards you ?

I am more than sorry I feel like a broken record.  I believe I am unworthy and unlovable.  I get in the way I am different and most people just can't understand me.  I can remember so many times where I was laughed at so I just learned to stay quiet and pretend that everything was fine.  I believe that there is something terribly  wrong with me, because I have been hurt for as long as I can remember and not one person steps up for me.  I have been asked direct questions and ignored.  Even counselors. There was one that let my father scream and yell for the entire hour then say we should do it separately.  I went to one with my family and it was a disaster,  I was asked a few questions and they just kept talking like what I had said didn't matter. Gary Carpenter sat there his clip board in his hand and he asked me how many there were, I said 5, there were 5 men. and he didn't say another word to me.  I was left like It didn't matter that there were 5 men who hurt me.  It still hurt to be sitting there on that couch and this man didn't even care that I was assaulted by 5 men.  I was learning very quickly that what happened to me didn't matte and neither did I because there was no care, there was no safety provided,  I was the unpopular fat kid , who would really want to do that to me.  I mean there were plenty of beautiful girls they could have chosen that weekend.  There was no concern or amount of anger at what happened to me I was met with shame and doubt.  Well she must be pregnant and making it up, she just wants attention,  she just this and that.  I learned quickly I should have just kept it to myself, because when all was said and done it was basically my fault.  I was the reason I was hurt.  When all was said and done, it was my fault I must have asked for it.  Every question that was asked ; I told the truth they had a reason why I was lying so I stopped talking. I pulled further and further away and I was shamed. No one really wanted the truth because that would have upset their perfect little world.  Everyone one made it about them and I was left alone.  No police, no support, no help nothing, nothing.  As the weeks and months passed the physical pain lessened and I focused on whales and animals. I learned to smile and pretend that everything was ok.  I learned that I didn't have enough value to be cared for and protected. 

Are there things that you are grateful for ?  What got you thru the hardest times? 

I am grateful for Dr.Culpepper.  He was the one person that listened to me.  I am grateful that he didn't touch me but there was a part of me that wanted him to see how badly I was hurt because then maybe I would have been believed.  I know that if he would have seen my broken body he would have done something to help mem.  Even knowing that he would have done something felt like he was on my side. I am grateful for my animals and whales they are what got me thru.  My trip to Florida got me thru,  even though I wasn't planning to come home that trip I found a pelican that listened and showed up for me each day and a whale that I was able to connect with after loosing trust and hope in all people.  Animals were always there for me , ALWAYS. And they don't hurt you and love you even though you are gross and disgusting.

What are the things that still hurt you the most ?

It hurts that no one helped me.  The pictures that are still in my head, that haunt me whether I am asleep or awake. It is devastating that there are things that have happened that I don't even have words for. It hurts that I have to deal with everything on my own.  It hurts me that there are things I don't remember, and I still feel them in my bones. There are times I want to scream at the world; like it keeps moving people keep laughing and I am devastated.  Peoples reactions to me hurt just as much as all the rapes. Their reactions just reinforced how terrible that I must be to have these things happen.  Things like this happened all my life this cruelty was on a different level and no one really seemed to care.  The first two days after I told there were a few moments I thought someone might care but then just like that it was never talked about never  ever again.  I was left to deal with it all and it was really heavy. It hurts that I don't get to celebrate Bella, she was never acknowledged ; I was the only one that missed her.  It hurts that there are circumstances around her that I may never know or understand.  It hurts that I have to be so strong and keep it all in my head.  it hurts that no one stood up for me, no one said you are not going to treat her like this.  It hurts that I was left so alone and it hurts that I relive all the things that went on all the time.  It hurts that I hear those cruel words and believe them.  

What are some things that you want today?

I want to be seen, I want to be included.  I want someone to love me and let me laugh and be myself. I want to be believed, I want others to be sorry.  I want time and space for me to talk about what happened to me I want people to help me understand the things that I don't I .....see I told you I was just too needy.....to many things to ask for. I want to be happy in my own skin.  I wish that my bones didn't hurt and I still didn't feel their hands. Often I think that the things I want today are just mere words because some of these things are not even possible.  

What can I do to help you? 

I need to be cared for, I need to be heard I need constant reassurance and I am so sorry.  I need to know that I am not as awful as the thoughts in my head.  I need to be held sometimes; I need so much understanding.  I want to understand that those things are not my fault. I want to understand why I don't fit in the world. I need a safe place to fall that I can be sure will never go away.  I need to know that its ok when I don't have the words that when things don't make sense that doesn't mean that  they didn't happen.  I need you to be a witness to all that I have been through and survived and don't be afraid of my memories in the process.  I need you to truly see me and help me understand that I am not as awful as I feel inside.  Let me know that you see me and that I am not invisible.  

What are the top 10 things that you want people to know about you ?

I didn't want those things to happen to me. 

I am not lying, and I don't want attention , I just want to stop being hurt,

I am so tired and so afraid ALL THE TIME. 

I don't mean to be difficult.

I am not as tough as I seem 

I need you to be patient

that the weight I carry is heavy and I don't want to do it on my own; I just don't know another way

That I am all alone and more than lonely

that I need more kindness than you could ever imagine.  

That everyday is a huge struggle but I keep fighting trying to heal.

. 

I heart your heart

 

Just not ok right now

 There are so many thoughts and feelings I don't even know where to begin really. Work is crazy, I have a little that is showing new behaviors and is really struggling.  His newest thing  was spitting.  And I found it very hard to stay present, and the triggers were ever present, and my heart was aching.  Vincent is something that I don't have words for.  He is disrespectful and rude.  He cares about nothing and I am the bad guy.  He has been rather cruel he refuses to speak to me and I get attitude no matter what I do.  He hurts my heart daily and doesn't care.  His behaviors are everything that I hate and I am trying more than hard to stay calm and kind and its a struggle. He had his senior awards, that I really wanted to go to. I wanted to celebrate my senior.  I was not anted there he said he wanted to be with his friends.  I was crushed.  I walked into his room this morning and it smelled like Marijuana, once again he doesn't care.   I am finding that there are few people that I can count on.  I wanted one of those people to be my brother,  but I am learning he is not.  He says things and there is no follow thru.  He makes things about him,  and I don't understand.  He is wrapped in his own world. In the last two weeks I started a serious conversation and he either left the conversation or didn't respond. I talk when I have something to say, if you ignore that I will not talk.  Today was the last day of high school for the kids, their senior year. Things are changing they are adults. Things are changing for me, What now? What is next for me? They have been everything for so long. My heart aches as I struggle with my changing role as their parent and figuring out what it is that I want.  I need them to know that there are some rules and drugs in my house will never be ok.  I am struggling with the things that have happened to me. They still hurt ,I wonder when the triggers and thoughts stop. I work so hard and it seems things bet even bigger before they get better and that is rough.  I often feel crazy because I see parts of me so separate, and I know they are a part of me but its difficult. I experience that 13 year old not as something that is a part.   There isn't a connection to the 13 year old, not like you think there would be.  

I feel like I am being squished at the moment, the air pushed from my lungs and I can't catch a breathe. 

Once I wish I was someone's first, someone's favorite but I am not. 

I always have favorites, and am all too aware that its not mutual.  

I am frustrated beyond belief.  I find myself hitting myself more often, and that isn't ok.  There are just so many feelings, and anything feels better then what is inside.  Last night when I as hitting my head, it only makes the crying worse, because you still have thee feelings and emotions and then you also have a headache.  So many things changing,  and I am completely overwhelmed.  I am different, I experience life differently .  I hope this Summer brings some rest.  I hope this Summer I can make my house mine again.  I know I will make it I always do, this season is exhausting, and I am more than tires on my own. 

I heart your heart

Just a moment in time

 I love the idea of something being just a moment in time.  I love the idea,  that the things that happen to us are stationary they are just there not moving not following us not trying to be anything else than just a moment, just a small span in time.  When you look at the big picture, I can see those were just hours in my entire life time.  But those hours almost killed me those hours stripped me of dignity, personhood and innocence .  They are a moment, just moments but I carry them with me. Those moments are in my bones,  those moments have shaped everything that I am and everything that I will ever be.   

Those moments make me want to go far away.  Those moments play in my head over and over.  Those moments are things that I don't have words for. Just moments so much yes.  But such big moments, that changed so much.  I was never the same after that day,  from early in the morning as the sun began to rise until late in the evening when the world was covered in darkness.  I became that dark , and maybe there are parts of me that still are.  Because I still struggle to understand to heal to be something more than all those moments that were unimaginable.  My mind still lives there.  At least there are pieces that live there reminding me to always be careful reminding me of the evil.  Reminding me that I was stupid.

All the work I have done with other traumatic moments in my life, I would think that I would be able to say the right things, and tell myself all the right things like it wasn't my fault, like there was nothing i could do, like those moments don't make me different. Those moments I feel in my bones.  There are times that I remember small moments together and times I remember single seconds and I don't know how I survived them.  There is a huge part of my mind that is desperately trying to understand what happened, wanting some piece of those moments to make sense, to be different,  to not feel so heavy. 

Those moments weigh on every fiber of my being and I am terrified not to have them and even more terrified that I am those moments and they are never going to be in the past. I have this intense need to make them anything other, than the evilness that they are. And no matter how hard I try I can never change those moments. Right now I am drowning in them. I am drowning in these moments that feel just as big today as they did all those years ago. To a girl that is thirteen, that should have the world in front of her I was handed darkness. To a 13 year old girl who should have had friends,  make-up and boys was being more than hurt at every turn. 

I feel stupid that there are moments that I don't have words for and can't expain.  There are moments that I feel with all that I am and I just want to scream until whatever the feeing is subsides.  These moments make me feel unintelligent and stupid because I can't talk about them without stuttering on my every word,  and say I don't know hundreds of times because I go back there before there is any concrete thought.  I start talking the pictures play and I freeze.  

I want to remind myself, I am here and now and the year is 2022 and I have survived those things,  those things aren't following me. I have a beautiful house two children, three cats and two crazy dogs and I struggle to remember those things because in one second I am here in this world and in a split second I am not.  I go back there so quickly and my thirteen year old brain goes on automatic thinking about how in the world I can get out of this. I search everything in the room, thinking how I can get away,  I just want them to go away, and  leave me alone. I notice colors and things, and feelings like just how cold that I felt.   You see, my only thoughts are surviving because because I wasn't sure that I would and I am still desperately fighting to  get back all that was taken. I feel so invisible , and I want so much to be able to change things to make them different and that isn't an option. I want to honor what happened and be able to not visit there anymore. I want to honor it,  and know that there was nothing else that I could have done.  I want to accept that it was a small moment in time and I am still a person that deserves all the good things in life regardless of those most terrifying moments. 

I heart your heart.   

Parts of me

 

It is more than hard to understand and wrap my head around the things that have happened in this life of mine. There are parts So vivid, I can tell you details about every color smell and sensation. There are things I remember that are fuzzy, that have missing pieces. There are other things that overwhelmed all that I know, and like a too bright light the flip was switched and I went  far away. Sometimes in the clouds, other times a corner even sometimes floating on the ceiling. Sometimes I went to a so dark place, where I am not sure that I was even breathing. This sounds so crazy, but this is how I walk around every day. This is how I live. There are bits and pieces of me everywhere and I am trying do do everything required of me, all the time trying to gather and collect these pieces to feel like I am whole, to feel worthy and loveable.  I am fighting every day to find my place in a world that doesn't understand where I have been.

My heart is tired. My very soul exhausted.  I have fought more than hard for the five year old part of me to live the life that every little one deserves.  Finally I see her running playing. She is no longer weighed down from all that was taken. It is still there, those things don't just go away or get forgotten, but they don't sting her anymore. She has become everything that a five year old should be. Still in a way she is alone, because there are no  friends, But She is not bothered. Lately I am the one bothered, somewhere in my mind I think ok you have played enough. Somehow I want her to be serious and stop playing.  There is a part of me that wants to tell her ok playtime is finished we have work to do.  I always say that I want the three of us all together on the couch and I picture little Callahan and she is upside down, her head hanging over the edge, her feet up in the air with out a care in the world.  I want that for her so much, yet there is another part that is thinks come on please be a little serious, there are still so many things to learn and to figure out. I am trying really hard , trying not be jealous, because I am glad she can play, but I don't understand playing for this long.  I don't understand living with out a care in the world.  

I really wish that I could draw, because the couch that I am sitting on feels overwhelming, Part of me is upside down giggling life away, free as can be.  Another part of me is scared at the world, scared to let anyone in, she thinks she can do everything on her own and she believes that she has too, because who else is there in the world that is going to stick around long enough to let her be and feel what ever it is that she needs to feel.  She doesn't believe there is a single person in the world that would be able to understand why she sees the world so different and why she is so afraid of living. More than anything I think she wants to let her guard down but she is more than afraid of being hurt, of someone hurting her again.  She still lives back there, and she feels the weight of all that was done to her.  She bears the weight of such cruelty that she can't see the other side.  She hears that it is there,  and there are times that she wants it more than anything but she is just so afraid.  More afraid that a single person should ever have to feel and experience. 

Then there is me on this couch with a wild child afraid of nothing, loving to laugh and thinking of nothing but being a kid and playing , laughing .  Then there is the other part of me that I would just like her to get close enough to sit on the couch and just be because I so know how she is feeling and where she has been.  I even understand how afraid that she is and I am stuck in the middle trying to make sense and see them as what they are just parts of me that helped me survive, but I see them as living littles that are struggling to figure out the cards that they have been dealt.  I just want things to make sense.  I want the past to hurt less and I want to feel like one whole person not parts and pieces. I want us all to make sense, and in my head it doesn't and I feel crazy.  There are parts and pieces of little Callahan parts and pieces of me and parts and pieces of thirteen year old.  I am struggling and I want so much to make sense, and be ok with where I am and the life that I have survived.  I need more little Callahan for me and Thirteen year old.  We don't play and let go in life and we so need a break.  

I heart your heart 

Just another Ordinary Day

 Today is like any other day when you are a single mom. Happy Mother's Day.  I am not happy.  The dogs were awake before 5.  I tried with every fiber of me for them to calm back down and go to sleep, yea right, that doesn't happen.  So I have to get up get laundry together just another normal day too much that has to get done and not enough of me.  The tears are coming early and for no particular reason.  The aloneness of being a single mom hits harder on days when a person is supposed to be celebrated but there just isn't any of that. Already half way down the stairs I get I will do the dogs, well thank you but too late for that, they have already been awake for an hour an a half.  And I continue down the stairs three laundry baskets and tears streaming down my face.  This is going to be a long day. 

And adding salt to the would is the fact that this year I don't have a mom, and really not sure why that bothers me because for years I dreaded this day, the cards that say all the wrong things that you can't imagine feeling.  All the thanks for being there, I am the person I am because of you.  Those kind of cards never fit for me.  I always just had to find one with pretty flowers and few words, maybe a simple I love you, because god I loved her so very much,  but it was hard to make someone feel special and appreciated when it was expected, when some of those feelings just weren't there. I have dreaded this day for as long as I can remember, and this year there is a part that is grateful not having to be fake and pretend, but there is a sting because I wanted things to be so different. 

Today will be just any other Sunday,  getting things ready for work, laundry, dishes, dogs, all the normal life things,  There isn't a person to pick up the slack.  Days like today sting because there is a realization of just how alone that you are, that I am.  I have loved being s mom , every single second but it is hard and doing everything is exhausting.  Vincent is miserable right now and I am the enemy.  Mariska is Mariska, she tries, she helps.  Today I am just going to pretend it's any other day.  I am going to wipe my tears ,smile and pretend that everything is fine and my heart isn't broken.  Just another ordinary day. I have to go fold some clothes.

I heart your heart

And to think that the day could get worse.  Vincent came downstairs not a word.  NO happy Mothers day nothing.  He asked if I needed him to do anything and I said take a picture of the AC filter because I have to get a new one.  He made a comment if I wanted him to call Martha.  What ?  No I do not want you to call Martha, he got an attitude and through the tears I asked if he had talked to her since my mother died.  Yes, he has, the woman that didn't want to be in the same room as me and breathe the same air contacted my son after my mother died.  Once again I am the bad guy.  My heart is literally broken I have not stopped all day it is now after three and the tears have been flowing most of the day.  Vincent doesn't care and I don't have the energy to fight. Mariska sat at the table and is now sleeping again on the couch.  I am so alone and on this day that should be special, I am nothing.  At least I got a happy mothers day meme from Mariska but that is all and I am crushed.  I give everything for them, and today I am nothing and I just don't understand.  And just when there is a small ache for my mother , its gone, what in the world did she say to the people I love to make me the bad guy all the time.  I literally have no words.  I am going to keep working until it's time to go upstairs and this day can finally come to an end.  I am beyond hurt. 

I cried the rest of the afternoon, I was just counting the minutes until I could go to bed.  I go upstairs and there is a clay sculpture of our little family.  It was perfect but I wish I knew it was there, it would have made my day .  There was a card from Vincent, nothing personal the same kind of card that I would have gotten for my mother. At least I was a little thought, but all day not a mention not one thing  and I was more than sad.  I have to say that in 18 years yesterday was the worst Mother's day of my life.  And then there is a part of me like is this pay back for my mother ?  Was I not nice enough, maybe I didn't deserve any acknowledgement yesterday.  I don't know but I am more than glad that it is over and hope I mean more to my children.  Really, I think my heart is still a little more than broken.