I'm in Pursuit of Happiness..... My Happiness

Wow, this year is coming to close. WOOHOO. There was lots of heartbreak and lots of tears but there were some really really good things too. I graduated, I have a degree, a real live one!!!! I worked really, more than hard, amazingly hard, and I fought my way through so much for that piece of paper. And I am a teacher. Not with my own class yet, but I am working towards that piece. I have a car that runs amazing, that works all the time, that is all mine. That is more than amazing, I still can't believe it sometimes that I am so super blessed to even have a car like this.  I am more than blessed by Catrina who each time I don't get a position and feel sooo guilty or things don't go my way she is so there so supportive telling me it's OK, I worry that I am a leech and taking too much, and she is there reassuring, she has given me so much, that will be felt for generations to come. That keeps me going, I  know that I am not easy to love or even like and she still has me around. I believe these things are just the beginning of what the future holds for me. Decisions that I am making today are putting things on the right track for me and my children for the future. I have to believe that this year is going to be a year for me to thrive, not just survive, but really THRIVE. I want to find my happily ever after. And some people say well yea that’s great, but that only happens in fairy tales and that there are no such things. But what people don't understand is that my happily ever after includes simple things like kindness, love and support. My Happy ending isn't some over the top story with  prince charming; and living life like a princess. My fairy tale is something different,  it’s the simple and the true things in life: LOVE . This is a year for me to do things I have never done before for me to go after the things I want and believe with my whole heart that I am truly worth having them. Yea that worth thing, that is going to be a rough one! Anyone have a bat? It might be easier, MIGHT no I am pretty sure. But either way its a battle I need to fight and win to get the things that my heart desires in life.

This year I am learning that no matter what I accomplish, or what goal that I reach it will not make my past go away. I think I am finally realizing that there are some things that are not going to be better, that I am not going to understand until my very last breath.  Healing is not one single moment that will make all the pain go away its more of a process, that takes time, precious time. And I need to be gentle and give myself that. Once I graduated I thought somehow all the hurt and pain of my abuse was going to magically fade away and not bother me anymore, but that didn't happen. I thought once I started working in the classroom and was with my kids each day that the burden of my past would lessen , nope it didn't work. And people say you have to do the work to move past the past, I have done the work I have worked really really tremendously hard but STILL there is work to do. That makes me more than sad, makes me angry, but I know that I won't stop fighting. I am a fighter, I am a survivor and there is no giving up, there is no crawling in a hole until it all goes away, and I have said that many times in these last few months. I just want to curl up, crawl in a hole have some time to heal, scream from the mountain top for the world to stop then I can come back out, go back down the mountain and live the great life that I imagine for myself.  Life doesn't allow for that,  I can't hide, I have to live really live, pain and all. I heard a line in a movie today that was amazing : it takes a lot longer to put the pieces back together than it does for them to fall apart. Think about that....a huge fear of mine is that I will fall apart, I would rather do things differently than risk being in pieces. I am still terrified, close to death of some of those pieces. I know the work that is involved and what I am going to have to do, its going to suck; its going to be more than exhausting and painful but its going to be OK. It will be worth it and there will be more room for the love that I crave in this world. There are lots of things to feel and I need to get on that, I have to be willing to go there in order to be in a place where someday my past isn't a part of my everyday. I am realistic, I know that its never going to go ALL the way away, my story doesn't allow for that ,but I can't let it win either. I can not and will not let them, any of them take my happiness, and that means going to the hard places, and learning that I am not that stuck little kid anymore. I am truly a competent woman that can fight this, that I will never ever let anyone hurt me like that every again. I have to believe that I am not that scared person, who doesn't know what to do anymore. I have someone again who is willing to walk with me through this and I have to trust, that he won't let me get stuck, that he will gently, kindly, patiently help push me towards healing. It really is kind of amazing the thoughts that are still in my head, the things that I was taught to believe about others about myself that I still hold as truth. That is HUGE, that is where worth and trust and love and all those foundational things that we are taught early on that I have missed. I do believe I have been given a foundation by some amazing people, now I have to challenge some of the old thoughts and build myself as a whole person, not just pieces of me. I often feel like the scarecrow from the wizard of oz there are pieces of me over there and over there and still more over there that I can't reach at all.   I want to feel like I am a whole complete person who is worth having people around, who is worth help, care ,kindness and dare I even write the words love. I am worth being loved. I am worth the good things in life, and I deserve to be happy.  What?!? Did I just say that ?!? That is going to take time!!!! Not sure at this moment I believe those things but I am trying to learn how, I truly am.   Those are the hard things, harder than you can ever imagine when your entire life you learned to hate yourself and not love. And that kind of hate is strong and stubborn.  I have to remember I didn't get this way overnight and I won't magically be OK overnight  no matter the amount of work that I do, its a process. Each day each year will be better than the last.

This upcoming year I need to follow my heart. Its amazing the little things that I am seeing everywhere, follow your heart, don't miss opportunities being afraid, sometimes you just have to do it, I literally am seeing a few of those every single day and maybe its time that I listen. I worry all the time what others are going to think what others are going to say, and none of those things have the power to make me happy. I worry that others don't understand my journey or why I do certain things, and really it doesn't need to matter to them its my journey not theirs. I need to worry about myself and what works for me and not about their judgements or actions towards me.   I know that there are some things that my heart is leaning towards and I am taking steps to make sure that my hart is not acting out of desperation but really about where I am supposed to be. Going to Colorado was amazingly huge for me. That week was more than amazing, it was freeing, it was life changing. I was present every single day. And with my life I am not present a lot of the time, my mind very easily goes away , just something I learned way to early. But when I was there, no nightmares, no flashbacks, NOT A SINGLE ONE and that is about as big as it gets!!!! A big piece was the people, I love those people more than you can imagine, but it was away from Texas. It was away from here, where so much has happened, I met people there that are amazing and true and genuine and people that make you think, that ask the hard questions and even listen to the answers!  I do not know if that is where I am going to end up, but I know that being in Colorado gave me a different view of what life could be like for me. And that is something miraculous, something I crave and something that I need to make happen for my life, for me to be truly happy . I was loved there, I loved there and those are things that are going to get me exactly where I need to be. LOVE. Lots of love.  I can not even explain the things that my heart felt while I was there, I imagine it kind of like when your dad get home when you are a little kid and that excitement that unconditional love, that being able to look at them and everything else disappears, that safety that is what Colorado was like for this heart of mine, and in all the years of my almost 40 years of life I never experienced anything like that.  No words, it was more than real and that is what I want. I want that kind of feeling that present happiness that makes you feel alive. Yes please more of that.

 

 

Things are changing looking for a job.  I accepted the long term position in Little Elm and oh I loved the kids, I had already learned their names and was getting excited about the things that they were going to learn in the coming weeks. But something was missing.  There is no future for me in that district, about every door that could be closed not only closed it slammed in my face and I was still trying still holding on.  Until that night I realized, that by being there I was missing out on opportunities where  I truly felt that I was supposed to be.  So I sent a text.  And I said I am so sorry I know that this is going to sound crazy have you filled the position ?  We talked back and forth , she was getting excited, I was nervous, I couldn't believe I sent her the text,but it just felt so right.  Its in a sped class that is going to be a challenge a huge challenge but its one of those things that is just right.  They already had the position covered and they cancelled who they had to hire me, that says a lot, and I am more than grateful.  And its less than two minutes from my house and will open different doors for me to be able to stand on my own two feet here before I decide to take the leap and follow my heart to be truly present in the everyday.  I don't just randomly text out of the blue but I did and I got a job.  And it's at the kids school , things just fell into place.  I knew that taking the job was right in Little Elm it was a job and that is important but when this opportunity came up I just couldn't not take it knowing that this will show them who I am and what I am made of and the kind of teacher I am and the kind of person that I am to my very core.  All good things.  All great things. 

I have learned many things these last few years and these last few months have been unbelievable.  I have learned that I am more on my own than I would like but that there are also people who love me more than I could ever imagine possible. I have learned that I often keep myself away for fear of rejection for fear of getting too close for fear of someone truly seeing my heart.  Fear kinda rules things and I am going to work on that. I am scared a lot of the time, I often forget where I have come from and just how far that I have come.  2014 was the most confusing, challenging, emotional, hurtful, eye-opening, unforgettable, amazingly unreal year in my life and I look to the new year following my heart, I can't afford not too. I am looking forward to finding my very own happiness in all the craziness of my journey.

Happy New Year. Here's to the most amazing year I have known.  I heart your heart. 

So this Christmas

So this Christmas, I realized that not only is my mother never going to be what I need neither is my brother. Maybe I have known it for some time, but it hurts more during the holidays. You see peoples pictures online of their siblings and family members and I know that its just pictures and people show you what they want you to see but as crazy insane as my family is, I miss that with my brother. As much as I miss it , I am also tired of fighting for it. I am always the one to fight for the relationship, I just can't do it anymore. And I won't

The two of us were pretty funny when we got together, things we would laugh at and joke about those things in families that just make others laugh. Well I haven't seen him in close to two years and haven't talked to him in forever. Wait take that back, he came to graduation then decided not to come to the party since he didn't know if he was invited. I asked my mom to call him tell him to come, her response, was she didn't know his number. And Well the last time that I talked to him, was when I called him on his birthday. After he had changed his number and never told me, yea that stung. That was really rough, he didn't tell me he changed his number. Last Christmas there was nothing, my birthday nothing, the kids birthday nothing. He came here a few times and didn't even see me, I asked him what he was thinking, and he just said well they thought it was best , meaning him and my mother. Those things hurt so much. And I don't understand the why of it all....why I am not wanted.  This year again there was nothing, my mother went there, I said Merry Christmas, thats what a daughter does, I texted her to tell Chris I said Merry Christmas but nothing.  I am an outsider, I do not belong in this family.  That is heard loud and clear.

I guess that was kind of the beginning of the end. When things started to go terribly wrong with my mother and I, he started forgetting about me. And I will never understand. Maybe a part of me does understand she could never be nice to both of us at the same time. I cried to him, telling him things that she was doing how she was treating us, that I didn't understand. I told him how I was looking into homes for single mothers because of how I was being treated and things that were being said about me. I told him that things WERE THAT BAD. I told him about the terrible email that was left out talking about me being irresponsible, and disrespectful, and all the other terrible things that were said and nothing, he always made some excuse.

Since I decided to be where I was wanted and loved for Thanksgiving, I was left at Christmas not invited, not called not anything. Like the theme in my family, I meant nothing, I am not important to them. Unless I could give them something, I was worth nothing. And the truth is I don't want to be with them and be fake, I don't want to be sitting in the same room with them knowing all the things that have been said behind my back. I don't want to sit with them and be fake but it hurts. I wish that they wanted me to be a part of their lives and they don't. And honestly, I don't want them in mine, it hurts, too much has happened, too many things have been said, or ignored and it breaks my heart. But I think that everyone wants to b wanted by their own family.

It makes me angry things that are spoken behind others backs, then they pretend that everything is fine. When thrift store things are bought as gifts, because money isn't worth being spent on a person. Words are spoken about not spending money on people and things are said then you find that you are now getting that same treatment. I just can not play their games, I can not pretend that everything is fine, I won't keep my mouth shut and keep the peace. They have hurt me beyond repair, and its time to cut my losses. I will never forget the good times when we would laugh, and enjoy our time together. If there was ever a day when he would speak to me and say that he was sorry, that he didn't mean to hurt me things might be different, but they are not. And that time is not now.

When my children are not acknowledged, no calls no nothing and they are hurt, it's over. There is nothing that I can do or say to make things better. There are no words to make them understand. I will be civilized to my mother, for my children, but for me there is nothing. I think for me it means having to accept the way that things are, how they have changed, or maybe how they have stayed the same and how I am not included in the family.

My focus needs to be on my family, my children and what is best for us as we move forward. I can not keep holding on to what I want, that would be waiting to be hurt.

So going forward I have to come to the realization that some things just are not meant to be. They do not like the person that I am, we are going in two very different directions. What I stand for what I believe in they don't see or understand and it hurts. When your family doesn't like you, its more than difficult but I will not go backwards or stay where I was just to make them happy. My heart hurts, and maybe there will be a piece that always aches, but I know that we are moving forward and together the kids and I with the help of people that I can truly call my family, that do love me and all my craziness those are the things and the people that I need to hold onto. All that I can do is hold on to those people who want to me to grow and succeed.

When you are around those kinds of people and the feelings that fill your heart with joy, the good feelings of being loved and cared for that is where a person belongs, and that is where I am heading. One foot in front of the other. Just a life change and we are on very different paths.

If you lucky enough to have family, hold them tight, respect their journey and love them with your whole heart.

I heart your heart.

And....Just Like That

And just like that its Christmas Eve, just like that, it is just the kids and I, this is something I should be used to, but there is a sting. Just like that I was able to do Christmas for my Children, all on my own, and I can't tel you how great that feels. Its going to be amazing all Just like that. It is amazing how things happen in life sometimes, the little things that you don't think matter; the big things that make a difference to people. And just like that my children are 10 and I am blessed beyond words. I got a job in Plano at the kids school, all just like that. Because I took chances because I am changing because I want good things for my self and MY FAMILY.

That is how things happen in life, when you least expect them, when you are pointed in a different direction and you never imagined that is where you were supposed to go. In all of my crazy deep sadness lately there are blessings that I am holding dear. I am holding on to them tightly, as tight as I have ever held onto anything. Christmas is a rough time for me, its just me, I have to be mom, dad, Santa, I have to be it all and that is rough at this time. but I am happy for my children that magic of Christmas that they believe in, that Joy oh its something amazing. Mariska woke me up at not even 6 am to say Merry Christmas Eve mom and was so excited, then closed her eyes and went back to sleep smiling. Those are the moments to live for. That is what I am holding on too. I am still holding on to Colorado to get me through, wanting that sense of peace for my heart again, that safety that comfort. Wanting to be loved and be in a place where there doesn't have to be any words. I was loved, I was watched out for, and I was more present than I have been in a very long time. I have come to the conclusion I will not find that peace here, and I have to work really hard trying to find where it is that I am supposed to be.

On this Christmas Eve I am finding myself thankful for the gifts I was able to get my children, for the amazing roof over our head where our hearts are cared for, for the most amazing car, that is all mine, that I still sit in each day and can not believe that its mine, that I am worth it. That in the new year I am starting a job two minutes from my house, at the school the kids go to. Its going to be a challenge but it feels more than right. Those doors just opened and I took them. I have made the hard choices, done what I had to do but its working. One foot in front of the other. Things are not moving as quickly as I would like, but I am still moving forward. Trying to figure it all out.

We have spent the day making pumpkin bread and cookies, making cool ornaments. I have done laundry, vacuumed, folded, cleaned, wrapped I have yet to take a shower. Then service at Gateway, I am sure there will be tears there always are for me at Christmas. Christmas was a time when things weren't so terrible. Dinner, the kids want to go to a Chinese buffet kind of funny, but they are so excited a big treat. Some lights and hot chocolate from Starbucks, with a gift card I received from one of my kids. I want to enjoy each second. Its enjoying those little things that make memories, that mean the most. The kids are cleaning up their room getting ready for Santa, and I do believe this is the most magical night of the year. I am teary, wishing for other places but I am here now.

And just like that, my heart is grateful.

In the News ALL THE TIME

Yea ,so lately the news is full of coverage about rape whether its a college student who isn't believed and her credibility is questioned over every detail or Its yet another celebrity that is being accussed of rape, abuse and for some one like me this is difficult.  There is no getting around it anyway that we turn and yet we really don't talk about it at all.  This was a public service announcement with Mariska Hargitay for NO MORE that says it all,

Its not easy to talk about no one wants to talk about it but the fact is that it HAPPENS to people; a lot of people. A lot more than we would ever like to think.  Its a strange thing really because some people are pretty open and others are not at all and yet I have reached out to many survivors asking questions and all I get is silence which I think is kind of funny being that many survivors say they are trying to break the silence.  We all question the girl who was gang raped by a fraternity and we questione her every move and yet what about those men that hurt her ?  We do not talk about them at all!!!!! Their lack of judgement, lack of caracter, their lack of respect. Our first thoughts go to the victim and what she did wrong.   Others automatically start to question the one that was wounded ?  In what world does that ever make sense ?  IT DOES NOT.  EVER.  And yet as a society that is what we do.   Even me writing this blog, I want it to affect people I want them to take notice and do something. Be sensitive, Be kind don't just stand by people.  We can't, and I won't. These are our daughters, sisters, husbands, friends, coworkers it is all around us.  And being silent does not change a thing, not the facts, not the hurt, not the truth.  Once this crime is committed it affects the lives of the survivor and trickles down to everyone that she loves and is acquainted with.

I am tired of the blaming of the lack of support of the stupidity and lack of comapassion.  I know I would much rather never talk about it, but for other little kids that may be where I was at 5 or 10 or 15, I am pretty sure, no I am more than positive that I will never stop talking about it. I will never let a child feel as alone as I did growing up with abuse. I will not be silent ever again, I will never give up; never stop until we stand with the ones who have been hurt and support and love them as they heal.  Until we make a difference for kids and for my sake and theirs keep them safe and sound.

I see all the articles and I read them every single one looking for answers looking for those right words to make everything better and you know what, I will never find them.  But I have hope in other stories, people that have overcome and will not just lay down and die.  Believe me there are days when that would be easier, but there is a desire to make sure that others understand, there is a need in my heart to want to make people see and to nootice and to do things diferently. There is a need to be heard and understood.

I am tired of hearing about Bill Cosby and whether or not we should keep his shows on TV.  I know for me, I will not watch those shows, I see him and I think of the women that he hurt.  I grew up watching him and I remember his sweaters, those crazy 80's sweaters. And that he was funny he made me laugh.  But I see him and I think of the women that he hurt. The women that he raped.  The women whose lives he changed forever and I  just can't.  Most are not questioning his character,  asking questions of him. We ae not asking him Why! We are unkindly questioning every aspect of the women that are courageously standing up.  What we are doing is asking questions like well why did she wait, why didn't she ever say anything, all the why's for the victim but none for the perpetator.   The case in Virginia leads to the questions why don't we say anything proves the point. We don't say anything because we are the one whose lives are torn apart while they are cosidered innocent until proven guilty. 

Bill Cosby is Guilty.  Those fraternity men are Guilty. Jerry Sandusky Guilty.  Stephen Collins Guilty.  Without question these men are guilty.  I will not question or doubt those women for I know the hell that they have lived through. I am sure my entire life I will read the articles, I will never stop trying to find those magic words, to make it all go away.  But I know that in my fighting, if I touch just a few people and those people touch others than sharing my own story will be worth it.

I was silent for too long.  I am not a good writer, but I write, I have a voice and I am going to continue to write until I am free.  So think people start conversations, ask the hard questions because it will mean the world to many.

I heart your heart.

 

   For All Of Us

What I wanted ....what I Kind of still want

So, its been a little hard lately Ha-Ha SHOCKER right ! But I'm realizing that I wanted the world to stop. And maybe I still do just a little, OK maybe a lot. When so many terrible things happened to me, nothing changed, no one was there, no one was helpful no one did anything differently. No one changed the locks, no one made sure I was safe, nothing ever changed for anyone else but for me EVERYTHING changed, my whole entire world was shattered and in a matter of a few hours or a nighttime I had put the pieces back together and be ok to go through another day. My whole entire life has been like that, I have always been fine. I am raped, well get up and go to school. My tadpoles are killed smile say everything is fine. Gang Raped go to bed it will all be better in the morning, just hide the bruises RIGHT!?!

NO.....VERY VERY WRONG....Nothing was all right but no one noticed so I just kept going or if they,  did notice, they didn't care so again I just kept going. That is what you do you just keep going. But the further that I get in healing the more that I realize, that I wanted someone to stop. I wanted someone to stop and to be there. With everything that went on, every assault, every rape every abuse that I went through every everything I just kept going. I would be so sad inside, literally my insides were coming apart and I always kept going.  I wanted to curl up in a ball and be able to process and feel the things that had happened .  I wanted someone to notice, I wanted what happened to me to matter and it never did.  There was something that I can't explain, a drive, a desire to make things different and I would put what happened to me away and go on with what life needed me to do.

I know that I have often said I just wanted the world to stop for just a short time, so I could cry and be sad and then I would gather myself back together and be ok. The problem with that is; that is fine and acceptable when the crime first happens. But later years later everyone expects you to be fine, everyone expects you to be over it. Only its not so pretty and it doesn't work like that.

I am not saying that I want someone to say oh poor Sherri at all that just isn't it. I just want someone to sit with me let me talk, let me cry for a time not forever but for a time. And maybe not just once maybe every now and then when the memories are terrible, when the pictures in my head are overwhelming, when my heart gets sad at the things that I have lost. Yea those times.

I can tell you there have been a few times where people have said, I am just so sorry and they have just sat. Sometimes there are words, sometimes there are questions sometimes its a hand to hold when you feel more than alone. That is when my heart feels better that is when I feel heard that is when the most healing occurs. I can name the exact people that those moments happened with and where we were and what happened, and for those times I am so grateful. But I think with a life like mine, I may always need those moments. I think for me there are just going to be times that are rougher than I would like to admit.

I worry all the time about breaking about there being a last straw, that is totally going to be the death of me, but really that is not who I am. If at 5 I could keep going I am sure that today at 39 I will also be fine. Only today I am not going to pretend that all is well. Because it's not, it's not fine. I am NOT FINE. There it is I am not FINE.

Right now I kind of feel like a pressure cooker, there is just so much feeling an emotion but yet I don't let it out. Or I let it out a little and I yell at my kids then feel awful then I realize oh yea its those feelings that I have yet to let go of!!! Well that sucks! And I know that I have to be selective, I have to be careful because mine is a story that I can't share with everyone, mine is a story that takes a special person to even be a part of . I want , oh this feels so needy but I want to be heard, I want to be seen and I want to be kept safe. I want people to do things differently. I want people to be understanding. I need people to understand that I am not always fine, I just pretend to be. And that a whole lot of the time I feel nothing and everything all at once. I can cry for others, their sadness their pain and for me, I shut it all off. I was crying this afternoon for a student, and yet for me, I can't feel. I shut it off. I CAN NOT shut it off for me, because yes it was along time ago but its just now that I am getting people to understand, its just now that people are not leaving, are not going anywhere, just now people are stopping. Just now people are there, just now my heart is cared for. And I am loved, truly loved. If others are stopping and noticing then, I have to believe, I am worth it and maybe hopefully someday I can say that I am fine....I am good and really truly mean it with my whole heart. So please excuse me on those days that I am not fine and I just want the world to stop EVEN today.

It just hurts

So I am trying to do things right trying to make things work and sometimes they just don't. Being in Colorado was more than amazing and truth be told since being back my heart is sad, my heart is broken because there I felt loved. There I felt things that I have never felt my entire life. And its not Colorado, its the people. I love those people more than words, more than I could ever express and sometimes I just don't know what to do with that.

Here I am loved, but its different. My heart feels different here, and I miss the feelings in Colorado. I think there is so much hurt here in Texas that its hard to move on and my heart feels that. I am working really hard trying to do all the right things and I am not sure that its working; not sure that I am moving forward getting anywhere. I still do not have a job, am still not on my own and I turn 40 in April!!!! That is really hard. Sure things were more than rough my life has not exactly gone according to plan but I have graduated, I am pushing through, putting things together; putting my life pieces back together and yet something is missing. There are pieces that just ARE NOT falling into place for me. And I don't know if that's here or there ??

Something is missing and I don't know what that is. I am desperately looking and can't find it

I know that my heart is more than sad, more than frustrated. I am sure that part of it is the Holidays, and not having family around not having people around. That is hard. During the holidays there is supposed to be lots of people around and laughing and it will be good for the kids, we will laugh and play and enjoy every second but I am still sad, I want people around for me too.

There is a huge part of me that wants to run to Colorado and be with people that love me, find a job and I will live happily ever after. Then I think there is still work for me to do here, and I am sure it; my crazy fragile heart, would stay away for awhile but after some time I am sure it would be there with bells and whistles. My past is my past no matter where I am and I may get a break of a year or two maybe more, but that brick wall isn't going anywhere and after a few years I would hit it hard. I don't want to run away, well yes maybe I do , I really do. But is that what I am supposed to do ?

What is it that I should be doing right now, what more can I be doing ? I feel like a leech , I feel like there just isn't enough of me for anything. I kind of feel like the scarecrow from the wizard of oz there are pieces of me over there, and over there and still more over there!!!!! I get up and work and smile and try to make it all work but my insides are screaming .......A frustrating time for sure, and I feel like I am barely keeping my head above water.

And they want to take my money for food. I am making too much money and my car is worth too much. Yea tell me that makes sense. I feel like I can not get ahead. It's not that the world is against me at all, its that I am obviously doing something wrong, I am obviously not doing something that I should be, if I were things would be better my heart would be different, I am happy but its not that pure Joy like I had in Colorado.

I really hate the saying Don't be sad because its over smile because it happened. BAH!!!!!! Easy to say, but my heart is broken and longing for a place that isn't an option right now. I wish that I understood why I haven't gotten a job yet. I have done the interviews, I have been working consistently and still no job. I am grateful that Monday I start a long term position, same classroom I already know a lot of the kids which is awesome. I feel like there is something that I am supposed to be learning and yet I don't have a clue what that is and I am frustrated.

The kids went away to camp and I was completely on my own for two days so strange. I didn't eat, not much sleep, and my heart was sad. I missed them but it was more than that. Its something inside that feels broken that feels damaged, what am I worth with out my children ? YEA, that is a really rough one.

Life just hurts right now, and I think part of it is because I am realizing that no matter where I am or what I do there is a past that is screaming to be dealt with. Yes, I have come a really long way but yes there is a way to go. I have always put a time limit on myself that when this or that happens that I will be done and all will be well with the world and that isn't the case. The things I have to deal with are going to be life things that I am going to have to process. The truth in that is rough, because I have life to live , children to teach and my own children that need a mom. Out side of all those things there is me and I am not sure that there is any left to do the things that I know are needed. I always do what I have too, it all gets done, but I am spent.

I really slept in Colorado, no nightmares no flashbacks, and that feeling was something more than amazing and then BAM just that fast, they are back, that is the part that I don't understand. My heart is being pulled in one direction and my life is going the other and I am in a place of not knowing what in the world I am supposed to do or where I am supposed to go. Not a fun place to be. And when you have to depend on others it makes it that much harder.

I am not one to sit with feelings, especially these but maybe that is exactly what I need to do !?! Maybe, Maybe not, I don't know. At this point there is not much that I do know and my heart is tired and frustrated and I want to curl up in a ball and know that I am loved. I want to sleep peaceful. I want to see good pictures and dreams and I don't understand why I don't here. Because here is where I am right now, and where I live and I have to survive here. I need to know what I need to be doing and I will do it.

Oh December, I hope that you get easier. My heart needs some peace.

I heart your heart.