So good yet the heart hurts

I follow a blog called in others' words.  She is more than amazing and so wonderful she understands where someone like me has been and where they have yet to go.  She is more than amazing in so many ways.  I have sent her a few messages in the past and there is always that warm response letting me know that I am not alone and that things will be ok.  And I haven't been writing and I have wanted to so very much but the words wouldn't come, or the words I really wanted to say I wouldn't let my self say, so I have been in this crazy place.  Things are so good,  yet the heart still hurts.  I feel like i should write that over and over because that is what fits and I don't at all understand it.  Dare I even type the D word.  I hate it and never say it, people ask even doctor's and I say well maybe but if I am going to tell the truth yes its DEPRESSION. I mean maybe is that what is is ? And goodness its so very ugly and so very heavy.  It takes everything that I have to get out of bed in the morning.  There are days many days that I just want to curl up and nothing.  Everything I do takes an immense amount  of everything that I have. And that is more than sad.  There are so many good things, so many great things and then pieces of the past of me that are just so heavy.  Heavy is the only word that I have to describe it.  I hold everything inside myself lately.  I already have no nails but they are worse.  Nightmares are normal they have been worse, the evil vicious terrifying kind.  I want to believe in the things that people tell me and I won't let myself.  I don't know why; its good to be brave and courageous and all those things yet there is a shame and an embarrassment in that, that I have to understand.  There are days I seem to have peace and yet my body tells me otherwise.  I don't want to be in my own skin and what exactly does a person do with that.  There are many things to share and to tell and to explain and all  I hear is silence.  Things that its not fair for people to understand, fair for others to have to untangle for me. At this point I need more more help more listening more patience more love and where does a person find that ?  I could go the rest of my life living on the surface and in the end all that needs to be said would be unsaid and I would still feel that heavy.  So I am going to keep writing.  I will keep growing keep learning and hope that maybe this year will bring an end to the heaviness, if not an end at least some understanding for myself.  There has got to be a time for less hurt for this heart that keeps going. 

I once thought that it was church, and I was wrong It was for a time,  it was everything for a time, but I needed too much.  I left broken hearted and didn't understand.  I thought I found another, but something was missing that I couldn't explain I need someone to carry me in this process and whether others didn't understand that or couldn't it just didn't happen.  I wish them all the best but that just isn't a place for me.  I have said it before and people have argued and disagreed but really that is not the place for me.   

  You know I feel so other than and I want to feel so normal. I am pretty sure that there is somewhere I will make sense just not yet. I find people and places that are far away but I need that here in my everyday. Where my heart and feelings and views and weird quirks are taken as just who I am and not something to fix. My heart may always be bruised and others are going to have to be gentle, but maybe that is just me, just where I am in this life. I don't understand the places that I have been the things that have happened but I know in my bones I am in the right place and I have to find people that are willing to be in this place with me and not anything else. As Laura said you are where you are, there is more work that needs to be done.

I heart your heart.



  So I wrote this : and got this back.

Chat Conversation Start SAT 9:59AM Hello there me again I just love you and am grateful for your words!!!! Things are going more than great I teach special ed and love it, I just bought a house, my very own house, I have twelve year old twins that are my breathe they are truly awesome kids but you posted a picture the other day about heaviness and I burst into tears!!! Things are so good, better then they have been in a long time but this heaviness is crushing and I can't explain it! too full of truth but people don't want to hear the truth. People assume it was so long ago and shouldn't be having such an impact but oh my goodness it does. People say to let go and goodness I am so trying but there is so much. I promise that I am not meaning to sound whiny, that is not me at all. I just want to find some peace, things are so good and yet the nightmares come and the kind that you can't get out of even when you wake up. If things are so good why can't this ugly piece be just as gone. So frustrating!!! People get sick of it, I get that but then what do we do ?? I did the documentary thinking somehow it would be over it would make all that happened to me mean something and people are saying how brave and blah blah and when in the world will I let myself believe that , that surviving was a good thing and not a curse ? Sorry finally the words I just don't understand, things are so good and yet the heart hurts. Much Love thank you for seeing and hearing!!! SAT 11:09AM Oh, I so get it. I get looking around and thinking I have so much to be grateful for, there's just this one thing from so long ago- why can't that just be OVER? All I can tell you is what I have found to be true, that until you do the work, until you process your story and take it back, until you do the therapy/therapies in the areas where your trauma is still playing out, your abuse will still haunt you. And not for nothing, other people don't get to tell you to let go, or to get over it. Beyond inappropriate and way the hell over their pay grade. And if your intentions behind doing the documentary had to do with external things- regardless of how admirable they may have been- that is why it didn't have the effect you were hoping for. Don't tell your story because it might help someone, don't tell your story for praise or perception, tell your story because you deserve to tell your story- and that does not need to be publicly- that's not what we advocate, that's not necessarily right for everyone. Don't go into "all is lost" mode because you aren't where you think you should be, or where other people think you should be. You are where you are, and there's more work to be done. That's all. xo -Laura I heart your heart exactly where I am

Good Morning 2017

What a start to the year. I never made it to midnight but woke up to Vincent laughing and using his poppers out back,  I smiled and went back to sleep.  Many crazy dreams and not much peaceful sleep.  I stayed in bed wanting to have better dreams and then that just never happened.  Then I heard the birds singing outside and I smiled this is the beginning of a brand new year.



What a year that 2016 was so many things have happened that I never imagined. So many feelings that I never imagined.  Things are different.  There are so many things to write, so many things that are heavy that I don't know how to let go of.  That can be a scary place to be. Things are pretty close to perfect only I don't feel it.  And I don't know why.  I think that there is a huge part of me that is waiting for the other show to drop like somehow, this isn't real and things really aren't all this ok.  Things on the outside look amazing, I have this amazing house I love my job I love Vincent and Mariska they are a little moody but they are 12!! My mom and I are repairing our relationship  So many good things and yet,  something isn't right.  And I can't even put my finger on it to figure out what it is and make it better. There is just this plain heaviness, there are parts of me that feel I am all alone in the world.  Just the truth.  I haven't been writing even giving myself the time because I don't even know where to begin, there is a blender of thoughts in my head and I am, have been trying to sort them out and I think I get it, then another thought and another and then once again I have no clue.  Christmas was great, it seemed like it as here and gone in a flash.

We have a new president elect, that I don't believe in that I don't believe is good for our country, my kids ask questions and also can't understand.  Some things we may never understand.  I am hoping all good things for this upcoming year and I am worried.  They turn 13 oh my heart, that I am not sure that I am prepared for.  That terrifies me, the things I had to deal with the things they are still so young you know. A rough place to be. I honestly don't have a clue what this year is going to hold, I am excited and scared and hopeful and everything I want to figure out the heavy things that are holding me down and so all the things I never imagined, that is what I want for this year !   Because we all know I always keep going ! I don't know what is coming but I got stamina.  I heart your heart. We will see what the year holds.

Sia : The greatest