When one door closes....... 2016

I have thought about this for weeks now.  I have started many times and deleted many times.  How do I even begin to put this year into words.  The things that I am look back on the things that made the most difference the things that were the most difficult.  The things that stood out the most.  The people that you thought were forever and people that you never imagined were forever but in so many ways are.  It was that kind of year.  There were great milestones that happened and things that I never expected.  There were things that broke my heart and things that have healed.  So yes you could say that this year was a year and a half for me, it was hard, really hard.  And if you know me at all Callahan is always OK, but really I am not.  My heart was stepped on and there were many days I didn't have a clue what was next. But I can say that each time I was almost done another door opened.....leading me exactly where I was supposed to be.

The year started with leaving a job as a long term sub ,  it wasn't right I knew that but it was a job and money, a real true paycheck. All things that I needed, I had graduated but no job.   I did the right thing and I took the job.  The teachers were amazing, I LOVED the kids, but I was not happy.  But then I got a call about being a long term sub for Plano.  It was a long hard decision, I felt like I was letting the kids down that were in my third grade class. I also had to do what was right for me, and going to Plano where I could make something of myself where I could grow and learn and be in a district where there were things for me to accomplish, that was a necessity.  And so I took that job which turned into a full time position as an aide.  Which by the beginning of the year turned into a full time Special Ed teaching position I was meant to leave the district that I was in and move to Plano.

The kids turned 11 on April 22 and I just can not believe it.  They are not little anymore.  They are turning into these amazing people that I can't believe are mine.  That I get to be their mom that they are my son and daughter, is more than amazing.  I love to see the people that they are becoming things they like and don't like, things that they think about the world around them.  I have often this year beat myself up for not being enough, and then I look at them and think I am doing something right.  They started the sixth grade!  Wow, that made this momma's heart hurt.  Middle school is so very hard and I more than worried about them.  I want so many good things, and worry about them oh so much. I have tried really hard this year to remind myself that the life that they have growing up is so very different, they don't have to be afraid all the time.  They have things so different, and I have to remind myself of that all the time.  They are coming into their own asking more questions and understanding more.  This was a big year for them. When we made the trip to Colorado,  I knew that the time had come to have the hard conversations about their conception.  Of coarse it was age appropriate and my favorite person was there to help.  I didn't have the strength on my own, but I knew in my heart it was time.  They got some of their answers that their little hearts longed for they did way better than I ever imagined.  It affected me way more than I ever imagined that it would. It was more than hard, a conversation that non mom ever wants to have but they know that I love them more than anything in the world.  And in those horrible moments of what was taken from me, I was given my biggest blessings.  I can say with out any doubt, I am sure that if it wasn't for them I would not be here.   And I do not mean that as a burden on my children at all, I mean that as the worlds biggest blessing that I could ever have. They are what matters, they are everything.  I am glad that I told them, and glad that there are no secrets.  I can not change things, can not make them better but I can be there and hold their heart as we make it through together.  Vincent plays hockey and loves it more than almost anything, he would live at the ice if I let him.  He plays the violin and it isn't as painful as I imagined, he really enjoys it and is pretty good.  His heart is kind, he gave his last dollar to someone in need often buys lunch or takes food for other students.  He is pretty amazing, I often watch him in awe.   Mariska is involved with student counsel,  is in Choir and does a program called Whiz Kids.  Its for smart kids, and imagine that she loves it.   She still reads books like they are nothing she reads books inches thick in a day and moves on to the next one.

Another big decision for me was participating in a documentary about pressing charges on my father and going thru the court system. I am not sure that it was even a conscience decision it was something that I was meant to do, I was meant to meet these people.  I was meant to find my voice and tell my story.  These were forever people that I never imagined I would ever meet.  It was more than hard.  But I can tell you that during that trip to DC those people cared for my heart with every gentleness that I needed, every kindness that you can imagine.  It will come out in 2016 and I look forward to where I will be lead, the people I can help and the growing relationships of these forever people.  The moments that I had to say goodbye to Neil and he so gently touched my face.  Oh that meant the world and still brings tears to my eyes. To Valerie for wanting the best for me for helping in oh so many ways.  For helping me, the kids, she gave oh so much, I am forever grateful.  For our conversation on the couch, that last picture, that we took before we headed to the airport, she had an understanding of my heart like no other.  And Jim the camera man, oh the kindness the genuineness, how  the words he spoke, went straight to my heart, he was thanking me, and so gently touched my arm.  When touch is a scary dark thing for you and you have people touch you in the most kind and gentle way it leaves the best and most wonderful feelings.  I didn't often have that loving kind touch and to have that, to have found that from these people at 40 meant more than any word I could ever write it was the most wonderful unimaginable amazing thing and I am forever grateful.  These people blessed my life in so many ways and I look forward every day to the day I will see them again.  Just to be in their presence.  And even Carlos who wasn't in the picture, he had already left he had a quiet kindness, and I was grateful.

There were all the tests that I passed for my teacher certifications,  and passed them all on the first try.  I was meant to teach and I dragged my heals but was meant to teach special ed, I have an understanding and care for their hearts.  I have a job that I absolutely love.  Each and every day I love getting up.  I teach them but I can tell you that I am sure I am the one who is being taught.  They have so much to say we just have to listen.  I am listening and loving it.  I am at a school where I am needed and appreciated, its all good there.

So many good things, We got our most amazing house and its still so surreal, I often look around and still can't believe it.  I still have so many questions that i ask myself if I am worth it, if I deserve to be here, if I am crazy insane ?!?  Don't answer that last one, but     its so perfect for us.  From our little town to the creek behind us to my very own room and very own bed.  Its about the little things.  I have a huge garden tub,  that once the kids are in bed I can enjoy, well maybe not enjoy but at least try.  Rome wasn't built in a day, I am working on it.  But its amazing my children sleeping in their own rooms, and having some personal space.  I can say there have been many tears, in this new house.  But that is just my heart.  We love it,  even the drive, the early morning traffic we would do it all again.  We were meant to be here, our very own safe place,  I have longed and dreamed of this for so long and its here, it's real and its all mine. It is more than perfect for us, I just have to  believe that I am making the right choices and doing the right thing for the kids and I.  In my heart I am I just need my brain to catch up.

Yea, then there is this heart of mine.  It is tired, scared, worried, hurt, oh so many things.  So many pieces are falling into place my heart is taking some time, OK a LOT of time to follow.  So many questions that  long to be heard and understood.  This process that my heart is on is a life long one and my heart is better then it has been but there was a lot of hurt even with all the good this year and its going to take time to heal.  I have to learn to be gentle and kind to myself, because I am not.  People would be ashamed if they heard the things that go through my head, the things I say to myself.  I am embarrassed myself, things I would never think of saying to anyone yet its me and that somehow makes it ok. So I keep working on that.  There are things that I am working on, working on really hard, that are just plain difficult and there are no easy way through them.  The only way to do it is right thru it, and that is easier said than done.  Sleep doesn't come easy and most nights are still filled with nightmares. But I am doing everything in my power to continue to work and heal this heavy tired heart of mine.  Just this heart will be one of the last pieces to fall into place, and I know that I will.  Not once have I ever given up, and I won't start now.  My past is going to be one of those things that I will deal with forever ad ever and some days are going to be easier than others.  Just a rough patch,  but I will make it.  Is my heart OK no. No my heart isn't OK right now, but someday, it will be.

I have found, well OK I can so not take credit for this but  Amy Wiebe found the most amazing church for me and I had the courage to follow thru.  Pastor Jason is so what this heart needs and its good for my soul.  He is genuine and real, and its hard to follow thru but I am sure that he meant to and that means the world.  He hears me and he sees me,  he knows as i do that there are no answers to my questions, but he hears them.  I think I ma most grateful for this place,  I feel like i can grow and be understood here.  With friends and other churches in the past I was never enough.  My faith was never enough.  My questions were never OK.  My doubting was never OK.  My lack of not knowing was not OK....here all those things are OK.  I can just be me and that is totally OK.  I am a broken mess most of the time and I am not shunned or turned away.  I have the most amazing city group, people that are truly amazing.  They even all came and celebrated my first Thanksgiving in my new house, it was MARVELOUS!!!  These are the people that I need to hold onto.  They are OK with me exactly where I am and that feels good.  I am still guarded, still scared but I am opening more and more and I have been blessed by these people more than they will ever know.  Truly grateful to call these people my friends.  My faith has never been enough, and I was turned away.  My faith is enough, and it may look different but its enough and that stands for so much. Oh I LOVE these people, truly GRATEFUL. I do hope that these are forever people. I need forever, not seasons.  Yes there is a time, but I need forever.  

I am sure there are so many other things that have happened but these are the big ones.  I am looking forward to the new year and all that it will hold for me.  I think that a theme for me is going to be letting go.  Letting go of the words that have hurt that have damaged my heart.  That I have never been enough,
I AM ENOUGH.  And where I am is OK.  People don't understand my journey and honestly I don't most of the time either but its mine and I am doing the best that I can.  I look forward to even more pieces falling into place, and opening up, sharing more and growing to be comfortable in my own skin.  I look forward to my voice being shared, and making a difference for others.

I used to always want more than anything for people to understand me and where I was coming from I want them to see things through my eyes and I have realized that just isn't an option.  People can not see or experience what I have seen, its not possible.  If you haven't been there you just do't know and there is no way that you can.  I have to learn this and let go of some of the questions that swirl in my head that there just aren't answers too, some things I will never know.  My life has been hard, but its getting better and I am beyond blessed and more than grateful.

2016..all I can say is hold on to your hats my friends, if you are on this ride with me its going to be amazing.  Good things are in store, because I won't settle for anything else.

I heart your heart. 

Let go Callahan, its going to be all right. 

For me , I want more than a season

This one is just for me.  It seems that I tend to get close to people and hold on for dear life.  People become so very important to me and yet I am not important to them, sometimes maybe a little important but often not.  And sometimes that hurts more than I would ever like to admit.  Maybe its time I learn to let go,  stand back and just observe.  And I think at the same time would I really want to miss out ?  And the truth is I don't have a clue because those moments when you realize that you aren't important to people and are not mentioned and are close by and yet you don't get a visit.  Oh I try so hard for those things not to bother me but they do, they do a lot.  And maybe it has nothing to do with me but it feels like it and it hurts , hurts a lot. And I know its stupid, crying over a family letter and all the visitors that were there and yet no mention of your visit, it hurts.  Maybe it shouldn't but it does, and it honestly breaks my heart a little.  And I think, I just need to let go.  And the thought of doing that, breaks my heart even more, because they are just that important.

I have always said I don't want people to treat me any differently but the truth is I do.  I want people to be more careful more understanding and more careful with my feelings.  I want people to take a little extra time and be a little extra kind, a little more patient because I need that.  When my favorite person was here I really needed him, even if for a few minutes, that would have meant the world and   maybe it was just circumstances, but even a hello would have meant the world.

Do I hold on too tight ?  Maybe they are my friend, but I am not theirs ?  I just wish that there were some answers.  I have been looking at these questions for years and still nothing.  There are always going to be things that are different, the way I see things, the way I experience the world, but I am reaching out and doing things that I never imagined doing.  But I don't want any more people in my life for a season or two I want forever and maybe that is just too much to ask.

And I am sure that its not just this either its the build up of not being important, not being noticed. Not being someones person. And for someone like me, those things blare at me because the last thing you ever want to be  is a burden.  But it would be awesome to be as important to others as they are to you.  I hope that makes sense.  That is what I want more than anything is to be as important to people as they are too me.  I know I hold on tight, probably too tight, but I need that I need people and I need to be important.  I need to know and feel like i am important to people.  I am never that person that is needed, I am always the needy one, or at least that is how it feels and its not a fun place to be.  Just where I am,  I do so good at moving, and I keep going anf going then the dam breaks and tonight it broke and it hurt.  I want to be more than just a season for people, I want more.  And I don't know if that is even ok, but I want so much more for myself and from others.

Maybe someday. 

Ingrid Michaelson   : Someday

I heart your heart. 

Our Moving Story

I write this with smiles and tears.  Things did not happen the way that I thought that they would.  But Hello I am a Callahan and I can tell you that not many things work as I think they will or should for that matter.  It has been a rough few months, and an even harder last few weeks.  Things I don't understand, questions, oh I have so many questions.  But I am here, I am beyond blessed and The Callahan's are moving. And by the time I am sitting here writing this I am writing from my new home.

A friend said that she would help us find a place, I was grateful.   Between emails things were not working, I was disappointed, I didn't understand.  So I contacted a friend of mine and asked for the number of the realtor that she worked with.  I texted and called and I heard right back.  She was not a specialist in the area but knew of someone that was and got me in touch with them.  With in the hour I got a call saying he would love to help us that his wife was a retired teacher, and that they were both at times single parents.  He was so awesome on the phone and so looking forward to helping us find our very own home.  They were amazing, listening and giving me advise, listening to all of my questions.  It was a perfect fit.  She was sending me houses that she thought I would like. Many of them were in this one neighborhood, that I Absolutely loved.  Kinda reminded me of a little town in Boston, and felt like the right place.  There were a few that were a total yes, and of coarse they were gone before you had the chance to even send another email.  There were those that you think, OH MY no that will just not work. Then we found the perfect house on Creekview DR.  Oh it was more than perfect.  It took over a week and a half to get in touch with the landlord, my realtors just would never hear from anyone. Then finally they did and asked when we could go see it.  I sent a frantic message back saying I got off school at 3:30 and we would head that way.  I sent the kids a text at school telling them that we finally heard back and were going right after school.

I am not sure that much work got done,  I really loved the house.  We made it there in no time ready to see our new home.  We looked in the windows checked everything out, as we waited for our realtors to let us in.  We were more than happy.  Then we looked at the house next door, and there was a guy outside, and he said oh well this one is for lease too, we are moving in about a week.  OK thanks, but I honestly didn't give him the time of day.   I kind of laughed and blew him off, I said thanks and continued checking out our home.  Our realtors showed up, and we walked in.  The house and the set up were perfect.  We walked in and I think the house could have been, anything and we would have loved it.  It was kind of messy but all i could see was where all of my pictures were going to go, where my whales, and shelves and furniture were going to go.  The carpet was a mess, there was a lot for them to fix.  There was a lot that was out of sorts, things left behind, but I am not sure that I cared.  The realtors were upset at the shape of the house and started making calls, they were making lists of all the things that needed to be fixed.  They were listening to me, and wanted things to be great.  We walked outside, and it was a perfect little porch, and a good sized back yard.  But then Vincent looked next door and was like mom but look at that deck (On the house next door )  yes it was amazing but we weren't looking at that house.  We walked around some more checking out the kitchen, living room, the kids rooms it was surreal and amazing.  I said yes that we would take it and asked what I need to do next.  There were many conversations back and forth and the following day they said fill out the application and they should get back to you with in a day or two.

So I did that filled out the application and waited and waited.  Then waited some more for what felt like a million years.  I called the company asking about it to make sure that everything was taken care of, and finally got a real live person.  She was like oh yea that is pretty fast looks like the application has gone to the owner for approval.  Oh I am sure that my heart was busting.  There were these great pictures in my head of how things were going to look.  And then the email we are sorry to tell you that the owner rejected your application.  I got the email at school and the tears started, but why, this was more than perfect,  there was no real reason why this house shouldn't have been ours it was everything perfect, It was bright and open and perfect.   I contacted the realtor, neither one of us really understood.  Because my credit was really good, things were all in line but still we were declined for that perfect house.  And I must say that my heart was more than a little broken.  Finding a place was not an option,  we needed to be out yesterday and things were not happening as I had imagined.  I texted the kids let them know, the disappointment was looming in the air.  And it was really hard looking at other houses when I had already found the perfect one!

Giving up was not an option and the realtor sent more homes, some were OK some I didn't even look at, then I thought what about that house next door, I asked the kids what they thought,  and asked if they wanted to get the phone number and just see what they had to say.  So once again after school, we drove to our perfect little neighborhood, and we got the phone number off the lease sign in the front yard.  What could it hurt right ???  What was the worst that they could say ??? No again ?  Well that was my worst fear.

So we got the number and drove to the CVS on the corner and made the call.  I have to say I was more than a little worried. The message on the phone was like don't leave a message I don't answer,  and she repeated herself and I was like oh man,that is a little harsh...so I sent her a text and I heard right back, and she seemed so very nice. She asked if We could get in touch the following day that she was having people over for diner.  She apologized, more than once , little did she know I was just more than relieved that she was so kind.  I needed kind, LOTS of kind.  And again I was excited and looking forward to speaking with her.  I sleep little and slept even littler this night, I was so looking forward to speaking with her and maybe seeing this new house.  The one right next to the one that I thought was perfect that we were denied, with the big deck in the back, yes that one.  316 Creekview.

So, it was the day that I was also scheduled to take my Sped certification at noon.    I dropped the kids off at school and went and sat in the library parking lot until it was time to leave for my test..  There was lots of crying in the car that morning.  I was worried.  I had to find a house, things were so rushed, and I wanted things to be right for the kids and I.  We needed a place to call our very very on home. My heart was confused and hurt and I wanted this to be right.  I was worried about taking my test,  my job was riding on the fact that I needed to pass this test.   And with the heartache there was also a calmness. I knew that I was meant to have this job and I would pass the test just like I had passed all the others, and I would do it with flying colors. SO I was supposed to call her at 10 am.  And I dialed the phone praying this would be a good fit, that this would be the right place for us.  And I can not tell you the relief, she was amazing!!!  She was kind, and nice and was telling me all that she wanted for this house.  The things that she was saying YES YES, those are all the things I want in my home.  I want a home a place to live and take care of that is my very own.  We talked about the house, the tenants when they wee leaving, when we could go by and see it.  Everything about that conversation in that library parking lot was perfect.  Things felt so right.  I spoke with her for about 30 minutes, and my face hurt from smiling we clicked, she hadn't even put the house back on the market. And yet here we were in the most wonderful conversation about the most perfect house.  We hung up, and I balled my eyes out, I think we just found a house I kept saying to myself over and over.  I texted the kids told them how awesome that she was.  That we were going to set a time to go see it, see if it was what we wanted, it this was the right place for us.  I gave her my email, and she sent me the application, things seemed to be turning around.

Through the tears I got a text asking if I was taking my test yet,  um no.  And one of my students had a rough morning, so I smiled and I ran to school to check and make sure that he was ok.  That I knew I would be back the following day.  My co-workers were amazing and took extra care of him. I was grateful and I knew that I belonged here at this school with these students and these teachers.  I got to print off the application, and things were good.  My student was well taken care of,  I was scheduled to go see a house, and I was on my way to take my test for something that I was meant to do.  Today was going to be a great day.  I left work feeling like i belonged.

And I was on my way, to take my test with my heart full,  things were going to be ok.

I arrived early for my test, and there was not a nervous bone in my body.  I was more than ready for this. I  knew this, it was my heart, all the time that i spent in the self contained class last year, with amazing teachers  was more than great practice, and during the test I heard her voice and all the explanations of the how's and why's.    I answered the questions thinking, yes, I totally have this,  the answers came easy.   I finished the test in about an hour an a half and ran back to school to check on my student, he smiled and I talked with him for a few minutes. He was good.

The following day we were supposed to go see the house, the old tenants were Supposed to be out.  They were not, and I was disappointed but Kim said no worries that they remembered me and were more than happy to let me in and see. We went in and it was not what I expected, because honestly the picture that I had in my head was of the one next door.  And I am not even sure I saw a lot of the house,  I just was envisioning where our things were going to go and what it would look like once we decorated it.  I called her and told Kim the landlord how much we liked it and it was quite unbelievable.  She had not listed the house, not doe anything and here I was looking at our house.  We met her that Thursday and I gave her the deposit we had a house.  And we were going to  start moving our things in the following week. There was a little drama, the family was not in any rush to leave, and I was in the biggest rush to get in.  They kept saying they were going to be out then were not, then it was that the truck wasn't big enough.  The electricity was shut off.  It was one thing after the other.  For me it didn't feel real, I needed this house and I needed them to be out.
I didn't have a clue how it was all going to work, My city group at church was amazing, they said not to worry that they would help me move,  that felt great.  These people had not even known me for very long and they were stepping up for me.  Then I got a message and that someone completely understood, and they were taking care of the movers for me.  I cried and cried and cried some more, I was beyond blessed and I can't tell you, the relief.  I was beyond grateful.

The last few weeks were more than rough and I needed so much help, I needed understanding and I got that in the most amazing ways.  It was happening, I had my house.  It still makes me cry.  There are so many other little pieces that all came together.  Beds were an issue we had to have beds.  We got beds, we got our TV, the stand, things were all falling into place.  And in the middle of all that I passed my test.  WooHoo, I am a completely certified teacher in every area in Texas.  Wow me dreams ere coming true on every front.

Finally moving day was here,  and all the packing we had done there was more to do.  I had to run pick up the furniture, and a few of the guys from church didn't hesitate to help.  And the couch was so big, it didn't fit in the  truck and  Dan, who had made plans for his anniversary said you need to have it now, and he filled his tank with gas loaded the couch and followed us to Anna , I had my living room set.  The kindness that I received, was beyond amazing. Tovah wrote me a card and I cried most of the way to Anna,  beyond blessed,  things that I don't even have words for, that are the magnificent and amazing.  So now the living room was in my new house, back to meet the movers.  The movers were there and started moving,  oh the commotion was everywhere,  the panic and anxiety were unbelievable there were moments of hiding just trying to believe. This was my moving day.

Then the truck was completly full a 24 foot truck,  kind of funny they even had to strp the dollies to the outside of the truck, they were so full.  Yep, the Callahan's have a lot of stuff.  Only one small load that I would have to go back and get.  We were off to my house.  My house that sounded so very amazing.


So we made it to my house and the unpacking began,  waiting for installers, and deliveries.  After some time, we were at peace.  My children and I had a home and it was perfect.  It was open and bright,  we had a library,  our own rooms.  I am sure that its all still sinking in.  Different freedoms that having our own home allows, I honestly don't have words.  So many things I will never understand, but pieces fell together people stepped in to help, and I sit and write this my children sleeping in their own rooms, my things are everywhere, my beautiful pictures covering every wall.  My kitchen filled with my things, and the cats, oh we have our cat back and things are amazing.

The stars are more than amazing,  the sunrise and sunsets are something special and we enjoy every single one.  Our home is a work in progress but its our home, and our things and I am grateful.  And in another post we even had Thanksgiving with friends and it was amazing.  Good things are happening, good things.

To so very many of you for holding my heart, I am truly grateful.

I heart your heart.            

I run a one legged race

It was explained to me a few weeks ago that i basically run a one legged race.  And the lights and whistles went off in my head!!! Yea that is a great way to describe it.  I run a one legged race and that is the problem, that is the facts that I face in this life.  I run life in a one legged race, always trying to catch up always trying to learn the tings that I never learned when I was supposed to. It is not an excuse not a way out it is just how I live life how I see the world around me, and experience everything around me.  I am doing more; stepping out of my comfortable little bubble more than I am even comfortable with, but I am doing it. I can tell you that its more than terrifying, sometimes even breathing is a struggle.  Taking a  new job, new church new people and oh yea going to be moving soon, like few weeks soon ! And I am a little stressed, WHO me YES VERY !!!! My heart aches.

And I am trying to be joyful and happy and look at things all positive and truth is I am not sure that I am winning. I take a few steps forward and even more back It makes me sad that I am always behind, that there are always things that I don't understand. That there are not those automatic people to call and ask my questions too. There are always things that scare me, that give me a view of the world as unkind and hurtful. And that is something I believe that I will always try to shake but I also believe that there are always going to be pieces of that alive and well deep in my soul. Part of running that one legged race.

I just fight and fight and sometimes always running that race with out people, with out understanding with out compassion is like carrying the weight of the world.  Believe me I know that I do not, I know that others have it worse, a life like mine is lived differently. I know that I am not alone, but trusting someone with my heart, believing that people can understand me not just today or tomorrow but for a long time, maybe even a life time too much to ask ?  MAYBE IT IS .    And many people, most people get tired and loose their compassion they forget where I have come from or don't care at all.   How easy it is to forget those that run a one legged race when others are in for the sprint. I don't want to hold anyone back, that is never my intention,  I just want people to remember the kind of race that I run.

When you have the severity of trauma that I have, that i know all too well, there are limits to compassion. I have experienced it my entire life. Maybe no one is at fault, maybe everyone is at fault, maybe its something else, any way, it still hurts.  People don't realize that, that one time that they were there and saw you crying and gave you a hug, that after they left, it still really hurts. It doesn't go away that quickly. It hurts to the point of painful and it will still hurt for a long time.  People want to give you a hug and say there there all better only its not.  I do understand that it takes a lot to be a friend with someone with a trauma like mine, but it is necessary, we need friends and we need someone around.  We need you to ask if we are ok, we may shrug and need an arm around us letting us know that its all-right,  that you aren't going anywhere that tomorrow will be better.  I need to know That when I need another hug next week, you will still be there . Not judging not thinking I am crazy, but just being there.    Not one hug can fix all that I am working on,  not one year, not just one anything its a journey; a process, and I do not at all want someone to stop their own race.  I hope that no one ever hears me say that.  I just want people to remember where I have come from, why I see the things the way I do and stop just every now and then to make sure that I am ok.  I do not intend to make others stop their race I just need them to understand the kind of race that I face, and how very differently that I run mine. And its a race that I fight to run, every second.

I can apologize for how I am; until I am blue in the face and still my heart will be the same.  I can't keep saying sorry for things that I am working on with all that I am.  I hate that I keep loosing people, I hate that I am not different, that people don't stay around. But I do believe I have found a few more people that are willing to stay and I I have to hold on to that, as I run my very own one legged race, fighting to win this battle.  I just ask that people not loose compassion and understanding, I fight battles you can not even comprehend.  I ask for a little more kindness, a little more understanding that the one who runs with two feet. I may be slower , but I am still here.

I heart your heart.

Her Name was Bella

Because today is infant loss day, and I have been thinking of her. Her name was Bella. I smile and say her name, and my heart remembers the time I had with her.  There were so many hopes and dreams.  Because she was a part of me that I am grateful for, that I am still sometimes sad for. Because I remember those moments that I felt her move, and everything bad in the world just melted away.  I was unable to fully comprehend all that was going on, all that she meant. I am sure that I LOVED her with my whole heart. We were going to save the world together and make everything OK.

Because its important, She is important and all the times that I have talked about her and people ignored like it didn't matter or people that said things like it happened for the best or my story was different and looked over, and not seen as a loss at all, or the people that said well "that" just doesn't happen.  Well "that" is different, I was raped BUT, No its not different I lost her I lost my Bella, and there is an ache sometimes..that I can not explain. There are tears sometimes that I can't hold back.  Some days there are thoughts of her that I just want to share and I can't because others don't want to hear stories like "that".  And it makes me sad She was my baby just like so many other babies that are lost.  She was mine.  She was mine for those months and she mattered.

Today she would be 27.  My Bella would be 27, and I stop and that takes my breath away. I imagine all the things that we would have done together, I imagine what she would be doing, I imagine all those things that a mother dreams for her child.  Mine was a loss, and there are so many that look over her and today I won't let that happen.  I never got to really share her or her life.  To many were unable to hear and I had to suffer in silence.  It wasn't fair.  Others get to talk about their loss but not me.  My loss was different and the pain didn't deserve to be felt, or for there to be an understanding.  Today I am saying that it does, it did. It mattered back then and it matters today.  She was mine. Her name was Bella.

I have shared her with a few people in my life. And they were very kind and very understanding and that meant the world.

There was Calvin , he was my awesome friend; he watched out for me like a big brother would and I was more than GRATEFUL for him.  He cared for my heart and wanted to make sure that I was OK. He was the one who always knew when I wasn't doing fine. I can still remember the first time that I felt her move those little flutters and the amazement in that.  Then as she got stronger and did her kicks, oh that feeling, I felt her ALL THE TIME!! I loved it. I can remember doing homework with Calvin and taking his hand and putting it on my belly, and oh my heart. That was one of the only times I got to share the joy of her with anyone.  If there was only a picture, of that moment, if I could just draw it, it was something more than amazing. I was going to keep her safe and sound. Everything in the world was so dark and so dangerous but she was the light, she was my only reason to keep going. 

I am more than aware than I DID live in a fairy tale world, how was I ever going to raise a daughter in my situation and the time was coming when hiding the pregnancy was no longer an option, Calvin was always wanting me to tell,  that soon there would be no keeping it a secret.  At the same time I look back and think how in the world did no one ever know?  Truth is I am almost sure that some did, but were unable or unwilling to help, so so very sad. 

I didn't feel good all day, something just wasn't right, even then I knew that.  No one knew, there was no one to ask.  I knew something was wrong but I didn't have a clue what to do.   It got worse and worse until I had to call Calvin.  There are so many pieces that I just don't remember,  I lost everything.  I remember bits and pieces of the emergency room,  I remember the Dr. putting his hand on my leg and his exact words were:

 I am sorry you have lost her. 

 I remember begging and pleading telling him no, begging, asking please.  The Dr was the only kindness in that room.  And I shut down.  Nothing else mattered I closed off the world. I was breathing but not living .  My heart was broken,  She was gone. There was nothing I just had to move on.  A part of me died inside, there would be no getting it back. 

She was not spoken of for years.  I learned she was something to hide.

The next time that i even spoke about her was when I went to Germany.  I have no clue how the conversation started or how it came about.  Oliver and I were sitting in this little bar in Germany, The Krown.  It was a gorgeous night, the windows were open candles were on, it was amazing, and we sat there candles flickering, breeze blowing and I got the chance to talk about her.  There were oh so many words, and only kindness.  Oliver sat beside me telling me he was sorry, that things should have been different.  He was kind and supportive, I was such a kid, and was so alone and suffered such loss.  I was grateful to be able to speak about her and my experience and my sadness.   Truly Grateful, there was a heaviness lifted, in getting the chance to speak about her and that was the first time I said her name out loud.  So grateful I got that chance.  So glad that Oliver listened.    

But then i had to come back to the states and live the same dark life that I had left.  Things were more than rough, I was not doing well, no one really seemed to care.  I lived life in a fish bowl looking out , life was dangerous.  There were a few times Bella was mentioned,  not much was said, not enough to mend my heart just not enough.....

Then i was in my thirties, middle thirties and I was talking in counseling and it just came out in a round about way....But he stopped me and asked did I know that ?  You were pregnant ?  I was more than afraid I didn't mean to talk about her, but I did, and I was cared for, stories were shared and my heart became even that much lighter.  For the first time ever I felt like I didn't have to keep her a secret, that she didn't make me something awful that she wasn't awful for what happened to me.  I finally got to share her and what she meant to me.  She was always in this dark place and finally because of that time in my thirties,  she was in the light and I even began having dreams of a woman I love holding her and loving her, and finally seeing her as perfect pure and innocent as she was always meant to be.  I finally saw Bella in the light, and such peace came with that.    

But its been some time,  and the truth is I can't share my stories of loss like other women, because it is different.  Circumstances and situation are different but I still have every reason to grieve and be sad and think of her.  She was my Bella, my everything my reason for living.  The story scares people and I am more than sorry but her little life, that amazing life that I had those months with were amazing and I am grateful for that time.  

So on this day, Infant Loss day, I am standing up for Bella; she mattered , she was mine and I loved her.  The loss is just as real as others moms that have lost.  My sadness is just like yours. 

I am sure She would be an amazing woman , and I look forward to seeing her in heaven

For my Bella this is for you.I hope that you are proud.

I heart your heart. 

Plumb  : I want you Here     

You have to Promise

 I know that at this point in my life promises are kind of important. I more than  need people to promise, and mean it! I have a feeling this is going to be a bit of a selfish post, I am sorry I just want others to be kind and to notice and they don't. No matter what is going on with me I always notice, Always. And I just don't understand.  I know its a fact that people leave, that people change that situations and intentions change. That others have their own things going on. I know all of those things, I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW.  As much as I always notice I am often the one forgotten.  And when I am noticed when i am cared for when someone stands up for me and fights for me that means more than I can ever explain in words.  If you are there and you are wiling to stay you must promise that you will be careful of me heart.  As much as I don't want to admit that I need other people, that I would like to think I can do everything on my own I can not.  And since I can not if you are going to be around I need you to promise me a few things.  I need you to promise that you will not hurt me, that you will care for my heart, my  thoughts and my feelings. That you will think about me sometimes and not just when you need something. I am not fragile and will not break but that is a constant fear.  I worry all the time that there is going to be that one thing and I am going to crumble.  Seriously if i haven't crumbled yet I doubt that I will, I am 99% sure that i won't but that 1% fear is often overwhelming.  Because the person that I am; I just always do what i have to do and I get through.  I smile pretend that I fine.  I take every blow off , but honestly it hurts.  I am not so OK right now,  so many reasons and no reason at all. I am in the in-between.  Friends that were only yours because of someone else, friends that said they were friends, but only when it was convenient. I am done with that.  And slowly things are changing I am weeding those out and adding my own but oh its more than rough. I do not make promises to my children unless I know I can keep them.  And there are times I want people to promise me and see me and be true and real.  I NEED that,  and I don't think I am asking too much, I just need constant.  When there is none besides my children but I need someone for me.  To notice and to ask and to care. Last week a dear friend did that, it made me cry, that she noticed that I wasn't doing so great, I can not explain what that meant.  I know I don't often openly share how I am, I know that I often leave hints, because I feel awful coming out and saying no I am not fine I feel like shit and my heat hurts.  I need someone to ask how I am, and just give me a hug There are so very many examples and I just can't I don't want to hurt any ones feelings but there are so many and I am left, ignored or both.  And all I want to do is crawl back in my hole, in my safe bubble where I am safe and sound, the problem with that bubble is that its lonely, and I don't want to be alone any more.  I am so done with being ignored. There has been a saying floating around face book about people making time for you, that if its important they make time.  And that is what I need more of.  Because in this season I am not so great, I am alone and I need to be seen and I need to be noticed.  I am stepping out of my box more and more doing things I never thought that I would.  Building relationships at work,  at Mercy, in my city group I am working so very hard right now,  and the last thing I need is more crushed feelings.

I am coming to be a little more open, and share and say all the things that are in my head, but its hard its very hard.  I am not sure what is OK to share and what is not, I am trying and just being a part is a good thing.  I just wish that I had things in common, I wish that I could jump in and feel like it mattered like what I had to say was important and that people were listening.  I struggle to believe the things that they believe with their whole heart.  There was one part tonight talking about God protecting us from evil, well he didn't he just didn't and I have a broken heart.   Oh this place that I am in,  there has got to be a reason for it all, somewhere somehow.  I need these people and I need them to understand and I need them to hear me and to listen and to support me.  I NEED this and I need some promises to be kept.

I heart your heart. 

Tori Amos:  Promise 

As simple as it seems

As simple as it seems it is not.  Nothing is ever simple, nothing is for me. Sleep, friends, family, life, nothing is simple its pretty messy. ALWAYS. There are too many pieces that are all over the place.  Many pieces are coming together ;and there are many pieces still trying to find their place. Sometimes I feel those pieces all at once, and I can't explain it but I am coming to understand this PTSD of mine has a lot to do with it. I am terrified of dwelling on my past of holding on and not letting go and sure there is some of that , that I do, but a lot of it is my brain.  My brain was wired from as far back as I can remember for trauma, to survive, it to keep moving, kept breathing.  There are so many things in my head that there is no way for me to understand , that there is no way for me to even put words too, . Which makes them so complicated for others because even I don't understand them.  Its so complicated, so very complicated.  Last night was rough, there were nightmares all night!! And the kind that you don't recover from quickly.  About people being too close, about the loss of Bella about being alone, about not knowing what to do.  About being so alone in your worst moments that your greatest wish is to just stop breathing. There is nothing you can do but survive. The nightmares were like that last night.  People in my space and they didn't even care.  How can people not care!!  People watching on like nothing is happening as piece by piece I was falling apart. I feel that in my bones so much.  I hate blood and there was lots of blood in my dreams and there was nothing I could do.  Every decision in my life is complicated and comes with so much thought and past experience.  I have learned that there are so many things that I can control that I can change, and the things I want to change the most are etched in my brain,  and at a single smell, or song, or touch they become so very real.  SO for me a tree , a simple beautiful  tree is not simple,  a gentle touch is not simple,  a sound that I loved is not simple and that is my life. Nothing is as simple as it seems. Even nightmares.

When the nightmares like last night are so vivid and so real its hard to get out of them in the morning. So I take a shower, thinking I can wash it all away, nope and the scratches come. Because I am awake my eyes are open open but the pictures linger and the feelings have a grip that rivals the strongest of the strong.  On mornings like this I wonder why I fight.  Why do I always fight, what is it that has kept me going ?  It seems that they are going to win; the pictures and the memories.  Its a beautiful day, absolutely beautiful and my mind goes back to that place on the beautiful day when I was hurt ; hurt right there under those beautiful amazing trees. But I can tell you that I was more than grateful for that tree, it allowed my mind to go somewhere else. Its in those simple things , that the sadness is overwhelming.I just want a tree to be a tree. A hug to be a hug a kindness just a kindness.

The kind of nightmares like last night are unimaginable because it takes pieces puts them in a blender and spits them out at me a million miles an hour. Its so confusing and you know all these pieces by heart  but your mind, my mind oh my mind, puts them together in ways trying to make sense of the un-explainable and its awful just awful.   I mean even if i could explain them, if i could just find the words but I don't and I am not sure that I can.

It seems lately I keep fighting, but I am not sure that I am winning.  People say they see progress.  They say that these things that are happening are good, but my heart is not so good.  My heart is scared and worried .  The sad is HUGE and its growing.  Maybe this is another stage of acceptance, maybe its my mind saying what are doing!!  This life is dangerous, VERY VERY  dangerous. With each step I think this is going to be the thing that is that A HA moment and everything is going to fall neatly into place.  The outside pieces are coming together, my insides, yes those pieces are cracking and seem to be loosing their footing.   

Maybe it is coming to a different piece a different level of understanding.  I just don't know but even if that is what it is, it doesn't make it any easier.  I am trying to hard to do those right things to do whats best, to find my place and I feel like I go  two steps forward and three steps back.  My heart is so very tired. I do it all I always do, there is going to come a breaking point. I don't know what that point is.  I feel fragile, I need people to be patient and gentle. I have been worried about it for so long, that there is going to finally be a piece that is just going to completely break me.  I laugh and do really well trying to cove up the sad but its more than difficult.  Even with Matthew I laugh and joke but the seriousness of the things that I am feeling, oh my goodness they are more than heavy to bear. I am just too sad to even tell you, even the words coming out are more than painful.  I do not want to do this on my own and at the same time that's the only way I know how. 

I am trying to do the right thing get help, even get medicine and it seems I am hitting yet another brick wall.  Am I supposed to be doing this?  Is this the right thing ?  I am willing to try anything at this point, because I don't want to break and I fear that its coming. Because I am always OK and everyone assumes that I am always OK, what happens when that day comes comes and I am as far from OK as a person can get while still breathing......that is a huge fear......that someday the weight of all the things that have happened are just going to crush me and there will be nothing left.  Insurance is a huge barrier right now, and I was so excited, that things were going to be OK, that I was going to be able to take care of things,  YES, eventually after I pay that 5000 deductible, in what world does that even make sense, it does not.  I am more than frustrated, I just want help, I just want to get better and I am not sure what the next steps are that I need to face.  I am trying more than hard, and its more than frustrating.

I heart your heart.  

A dagger is a dagger

You know that when I don't even a title that things are rough .  I am tired of fighting. Tired of needing, tired of the things that just are not going to work for me.  The sadness in my heart I don't even have words for.  And some things are working at least on the outside, some things are doable and yet others are not and I am more than tired.  Everyone assumes I am fine, only I am not.  I AM NOT FINE.  So I found this quote and it is me, and people have no idea the sadness in my soul. And I need people more than anything.  I need good people that are going to stay that will have coffee, that will help me hold my head above water when it feels as though I am drowning in the past. People that will come up behind me and be my support when I just can not do it on my own.  I do everything on my own, I handle everything, I always put on a smile, things are fine. I need someone to be careful with my heart and help me hold the sadness. People don't see the sadness of my soul; of my heart and I  want so much for people to understand.  I want so much for people to be a little kinder, a little gentler, a little more thoughtful.  In the scheme of things, there are little things that are just a little dig, with no purpose other than to pick at something and my heart needs no more picking.  I hope it makes a person feel better, was it really worth it ?  Did anything change  or get accomplished nope, just my heart gets hurt. Am I sensitive, yes maybe too much yes but that is me.  Should it probably not, yes but it does.  It may not seem like a pick to them,  but it is and my heart melts because I know, there is no care or concern there at all.  There is never a reason to be unkind to anyone.  And when there are so many things that are unkind that is something that nothing was going to change or come out differently so was there really a point other than to make yourself feel better ?  NO.

I just have this happy personality

And a sad soul in one body.

It feels weird sometimes.

I am tired of explaining, wanting to explain myself so others will understand, it just isn't going to happen. And I think this is a poor me post, and I hate it but truly I want to curl up in a ball and  cry, I want to give up on the world, and scream and throw a fit and through back all the things that my heart has taken for so many years. I put up with everything, let it roll off and I keep going.  Its sometimes the stupid little things that are daggers.  Sometimes not meant to be but still they are.  And what is the point ?   Does it make you feel better ?

Really its about compassion. You just never know what someone is dealing with on a daily basis. YOU NEVER KNOW. You may not understand and that is fine to but you must show me kindness and compassion because I am lacking and its going to take some catching up in this life of mine. Is it kind ?  Is it thoughtful?  Does it matter ? In five years from now, is it going to matter ?  I am more than sorry I need lots of extra compassion, it is how I am built.   And I am sure that i will apologize the rest of my life, but its just what I need.  I am happy on the outside and there are many inside parts that do truly have joy, but there are those parts of my soul that are more than sad, that I am not sure its ever going to totally go away. Those parts are scared and broken and have seen and experienced the unimaginable, and deserve a break.   I just want this sad soul, to find a soft place, an all the time soft place.

I heart your heart.  

It feels big

This past week my past has seemed huge. I have felt it in so many ways.  I am feeling more and I am not sure that I like it. Outside things are falling into place. Inside things are not OK.  I think when people ask questions and you answer them and then you realize how big the answers are....and that someone is listening,  the memories get huge, the visions are many and a person feels the weight of what has happened to them.  It's not that I am dwelling that is a huge fear of mine.  Its just that so much has happened, and this is one of those times that I am just going to have to sit with it.  Going to have to sit with the bigness of my past.  It feels big really big.  And I don't even think that there is anything I could do , its just big and I just need some time.  The tears are plenty lately; the feelings are coming back around.  Honestly I haven't felt for some time, its always there the pictures the memories but there are times that the feelings come and those two things come together and its a lot. And this is one of those times.  I want someone there to listen, I want to talk and get things out and have help figuring them out. I know there is not a single thing that any person can do, it just is. I want someone to hear and for things to matter.  This is what has happened, and these are the things that I have to face.

And there is more added to that.  My therapy is expensive.  My insurance pays for nothing out of network until I reach my deductible.  I feel defeated I feel like there is no way that I am over going to totally recover from this. The time and care that a past like mine takes is unimaginable! There is no way to get rid of the pictures, and the thoughts and the nightmares.  I really thought there was going to come a time when I would be able to sleep, I had so much hope!!!   It's not fair really.  Because I just want to heal, I just want to fix the thoughts that are like cement in my head.  I want it more than anything, and I will fight to get it. I just want to feel normal, to be a part to be heard and listened to.  I am letting new people in and its terrifying.  What if these people leave too ?  What if these people can't handle the truth? What if they see me as a burden?  I am scared, so so so scared but I am hoping that it is worth reaching out.  That they are going to stay and be willing to walk beside me.  I need that so very much.

I want to be able to have true conversations, to be real to feel and to cry and that be OK.  I am not sure if church is the place for me, I want to believe and understand but I also know that I am different.  I can say that I believe in God that we are on the same couch but that couch is very long and my arm is out.  We are fine as long as you stay over there and i stay over here.  I am not sure if my different is going to be OK, if I will be accepted.  And I am scared.  This week was in so many ways so great, and in other ways my heart is hurting, and I am alone. I have put on a happy face the kids are doing really good, they are enjoying school, they are such great kids. They are kind and compassionate and I begin to doubt everything about myself and look at them and they are more than amazing and I did that. I have taught them those good kind things.

I heard from their school counselor, and she said she had some shirts, for them I said that was awesome.  Then I sent her an email thanking her, and I asked her to keep an eye on the kids that I had to tell them some important information about their father and if she noticed anything to let me know.  I never got a response back and the shame that I feel in even saying anything is HUGE.  And of coarse that also has its impact.  I speak ask for help and then silence.  Its a pattern for me, I reach out and I get silence. I feel exposed and its not good, and she should absolutely know better.

I just need someone to be there all the time.  And the holidays are coming up, and we will be on our own, and that is rough.  Catrina  knows us and asked what we were doing, sadly I said probably just staying here.  The Wiebe's are taking a family trip meeting her sister.  That is when family is rough, they are MY family but they have their own.  I don't want to make a turkey for just the three of us and I will, and we will make it amazing, but still no one will be there for me, there will be no family story telling or   any family connection.  Don't get me wrong I will have it for the kids, its just that for me there will not be the things that I so desire.  The things that I want in my own heart. Someone there for me.

We are still trying to find where we are going to live.  I am looking at houses.  There are times I think wow this is going to be amazing, trying to find, that perfect place for us, there are times I think oh my goodness how in the world am I going to afford that perfect place to live.  I want the right place to come open for us, that is just right where we can make ourselves a real home that is all ours.  That is what I want more than anything. Those are the outside pieces that are coming together.

I need more coffee shop conversation I need more connection, I need more things that are real and true. I need more time to do what gives my heart peace of mind. What gives this weary heart of mine just a little rest.I am stepping out side my normal usual looking for those things and hoping  that maybe maybe this is the time; maybe this is a new season of real true friends and honest listening, and more true healing.  The healing that I have left to do is not going to happen on my own.  I wish that it could be, then I would not have to burden other people, because the things I need to share are heavy and I don't want to put that on anyone but I also know that I can not carry it myself.  I can not be ashamed of the past I need help figuring out how it fits into my story and live life today.  I just need more people to walk beside me, helping me along. Arms around me telling me I can do this.  That is what I need. That is what I am looking for.

I heart your heart.

Connections...Why they are SO Difficult for me

There are many things to say about this.  It was one of the very best people I know Birthday the other day and  the connection that I have with her is something amazing; I love her with my whole heart.  And I was thinking in the shower, about how I connect with people, and how growing up there was no connection, and how much that I missed out on.  Even today I miss out on connection because i don't have a clue what I am doing .  Growing up I only connected to my stuffed animals, and to real animals.  Later I found whales, and they saved my life those were the things I connected to. There was no real human connection for me, growing up or for a very long time.  All of the people that I was supposed to have connection with , hurt me. There was no one to take care of my heart. No one to nourish my soul. No one to keep me safe and sound.  No one to take care of me, so I began taking care of others and that filled a space a void and for short periods of time made everything OK.

And that is so much how I relate to people today, if I connect with you I tend to hold on for dear life.  If you are kind, I tend to want you to stick around, I want you to be there and try to understand where I am coming from.  I feel like I have to prove that I need you to stick around that I won't ask for too much, that I just want to belong.  I want more than anything for you to understand where I am coming from and how I see things.  If somehow you could understand, then it would be OK if I was around. I know what life is like with out any connection and I have finally found real true connection, and its amazing. And its also terrifying.  I am trying to find the right words to describe the things I want to convey, about connection and what its like not having it for so long and not just not having it but connecting to things that can't connect back.  I mean you all know how I love animals, and that is more than strong its a connection that I know that I feel in my heart because for so very long that was the only kind of connection that I ever had.  And animals can connect they do in the most amazing ways.  There are there when you cry, when you are sad, when you think that no one else in the world is there, animals are, at least they were for me.  I could tell my animals everything growing up and  knew that they were not going to hurt me.  And they give you comfort, but they can not tell you the things that you need to hear from the people who are supposed to love you.

In building new relationships I am scared because before there is even a connection my mind starts to wonder OK how long before this person leaves or how long before they see my tender heart and think whoa I am outta here... How long after I share my story will they run as fast as they can in the other direction?  My friends I can guarantee you, most people don't stick around long at all  .Way to many people see my tenderness, see the wounds and they are outta town.  They get further and further and further away.  Until once again I am on my own.  And just like that little kid; I believe it is something that I have done.

So with me I see connection through a 5 year old eyes and that is more than rough.I know that I am not 5, others do not see that five year old its just how my heart feels at times.  A part of me is more than stuck there and I have to be so very careful.  And I can say that with out a doubt I have the kindest, most amazing people in my life now, people that I truly know are not leaving are not going anywhere, but that fear is bigger than you ever imagine. It is as big as a five year old with a monster under the bed it is that real to me. I view connection through the eyes of a scared hurt little kid. I figured that out last weekend , and its an eye opener.  Think of any 5 year old, and how they see the world and how they view the people that are close to them......think for a few seconds.......that is me today...because  I never had that at 5 or 10 or even 20....that little five year old kid is me....so be patient be kind.....very kind, please.

I just want more than anything to be loved, to be heard, all those things that a little kid needs, I need that too, and believe me I am so sorry.  I so understand that its hard because I am not the innocent little five year old, people see the mom, the teacher, the caregiver that does it all but there are pieces of me that need more. I need connection and people more than I would ever want to admit. Inside I need reassurance and comfort and patience and oh so much kindness and understanding. I see things so very different, I see everything around me through 35 years of having to do everything on my own.

I know I am 40 but I never had those relationships those building blocks in life , I finally a few years ago, a little over 5 years ago  found, no I take that back, I was lead to people who became my building blocks and I have grown from there.....that was only a few short years ago and I am still learning.  I don't do friends well, I don't do connection well I don't do many connection things well, what I knew growing up was animals and taking care of others.  I knew what it was like to have no one and never ever wanted another person to have those same feelings. EVER. That is how I lived my life, and I am working on doing things different but I can tell you it is more than challenging, and there are days I want to crawl in a hole.  Because you see my brain just doesn't work like yours does.

My brain works from that little kid trying to do things right, trying be good,trying to survive. My brain constantly is looking for safety and protection, I forget that I have already survived and its OK to simply live. Growing up that wasn't an option. It is now and I am fighting for it.  I just need those genuine real connections. Connections to remind me that hey, I am OK and I have made it.  Just please please be patient with this weary heart of mine.  I am working on this connection thing its just more complicated than I would ever like to admit.

I heart your heart.   

I'm Done . ...DONE

My kids know that when I say that I am done, I have hit my max and its time to chill.    Sometimes it takes an awful lot to get there other times it doesn't take much at all. This time its been a lot it has been an entire lifetime. I am pretty even, but when I have hit that point its over.  And yesterday I spoke those words regarding my family.  I am done, I am not trying anymore.  I will not shed any more tears wanting them to be something other than what they are.  They will never be what I need or what I want.  So its time to say I am just done.  And this just might be one of the hardest things I have ever done.

And it's hard saying that really, I though that there was a chance with my mom, she seems to be a little less judging, more open I was the same but it seemed that maybe she was a little different.  I was wrong it was wanting something that I am not meant to have.  She says things to get what she wants, to get you exactly where she wants you and I am not playing.

She tells the kids things, some things a child should never hear.  We never have a conversation we never talk, ever anymore, unless Vincent puts me on speaker phone because she has a question.  I answer the questions but there is never conversation.  Every now and then I feel guilty that I don't try harder, but then I have to protect my heart.  I can never put my heart out there, that would be asking for a disaster.  So for some time she has told Vincent that she is going on a cruise, OK whatever.  I literally have nothing to say.  I am not involved in her life, she is not involved in mine.  We don't do Christmas or thanksgiving, together, she goes to my brothers.  I have not been invited.  The kids are not included.  There is no connection anymore.

She broke what little connection we had left, when we sat on the coach, my last year of school my final two semesters of student teaching and asked when I was moving out.   I had already found the most awful email where I saw in writing exactly what she thought of me. I was more than crushed.  I poured my heart out on that couch, I was crying, sharing my whole heart. From her there was no feeling no emotion, not once did she reach out,  she shrugged her shoulders and said I have to figure out my feelings for you. Imagine saying that to your own child, Now imagine being that child.  A mother is supposed to love you no matter what, unconditionally all the time.  But I wasn't loved, I wasn't cared for, I was something that she had to figure out   I heard those words and I stopped talking, I went to my room crying.  There was nothing there, I was sharing from the bottom of my heart and she shrugged her shoulders. I was beyond crushed.

So a few days ago, there was this post on Face book, by my brothers girlfriend.  How she couldn't sleep because Chris was on his cruise. Yes my mother went on a cruise and she went on a family cruise with my brother. A family cruise.    So I am not family.  They are not mine.  They are my mother and my brother but they are not my family.  And its conservation cruise, which stings a little more, makes it worse, they are ones that think attending Sea World is  still OK, and swimming with dolphins, isn't a big deal. Do they know me ?  Do they even care ?   Words and actions just do not match.  I am done.   I AM DONE.

I will be civil, I will be polite, but don't expect anything from me, there is nothing left and I just can not keep trying. My entire life my heart has been trampled by most of those that I have come in contact with.  Many there was nothing that I could do anything about this time I can do a lot and I just will not continue to be treated like I have done something wrong.  I have had to fight my entire life and I will not fight for something and someplace where I am not wanted.  So I am done. I will continue to fight for my children and myself, that is what I have.

With my brother I am not sure what happened really.  I would talk to him tell him how i was being treated, I told him that I was trying so hard and nothing was working, he wanted to fix things, I just wanted him to listen.  I loved him, he was my little brother.  When we got together we would laugh and we were really funny together.  It was nice being adults and having a relationship.    And what happened I am not sure that I can explain.  He came here a few times, and never let me know.   I asked him about it, like hey you come and you don't even see me ?  Hid reply well WE thought it was best.....who is WE my mother and him.  I had not heard from him in months I tried to call his number and it said the number was no longer in service he had changed his number and never bother to give it to me.  I was crushed.  I was making dinner in the kitchen and was more than shocked, what why in the world would he do that to me.  I was the one who wrote him letters when he was in away, each and every week, and we would drive hours every weekend to see him so he would company.  I sold my furniture so we would have gas to see him. He came for my graduation and it was supposed to be this big secret.  I was glad he was there he should have been he was my brother.  I saw him for maybe 10 minutes that night.  It was awkward,  there was nothing to say my feelings were hurt he wanted to be the hero, because he was here.  Sorry, then my graduation party, he didn't even show up, saying he didn't know if he was invited.  SERIOUSLY.  I asked my mother to call him tell him to come, there were a number of excuses she didn't have his number, he wasn't answering, and that was that.  I had a few moments in my room, where the world was spinning, I just didn't understand. I was crushed.  I can not explain.  I can not even guess what his thoughts are.  But I guess he is my mothers family.  And she is his.  And in that there is no room for me.  There are no calls on birthdays , but I send a card on his because that is what a sister does. It may not matter to him it matters to me and I will continue to do it.

Them being on this cruise together hurt so very much, more than I really would like to admit.  In so many areas I am finding my voice and I will not be quiet just for them.  I will not be quiet at all, I will not cower in a corner and forget who I am. I will not be quiet and not say the things that I know are right. I have fought to be here and good things are happening.  But I am done.

So I am weary of calling people family.  I just left a church where they always talked about family but yet it was words and nothing more. People have no idea what that words mean when a person doesn't have family.  Family is so much more, everything more. True Family is everything more, its supposed to be everything kind and unconditional.  Family are the people that are your soft place to fall. And I have a few of those, but they also have their own families, and I always know that.  The ones that love me unconditionally.  The ones who we may not agree with me but are there. The ones that are honest, tell me if I am crazy, or if that makes sense.  The ones that tell me to follow my dreams, the ones who   The ones who cry with me, because they hear my heart.  The ones who I can laugh with and be silent with.  Family is something different for me.  and I am looking for things that I am not sure if they are possible but I am looking, searching and hoping. Oh I am hoping.

I am sure that there are times that I will miss them.  I am sure, I will miss my brother  I will still hear that song by Randy Travis and remember the time that we drove  all night to bring him home for Christmas.  Those are the things that families do, those are the things I will remember.

For my brother. I heart your heart.   I will love you forever.