Forgiveness ?

 

 

 

Well what can I say, the need to write is huge, the lack of sleep is growing and there are so many things that I want to get out of my head.  It is a fact that there are not people that I can talk too.  I do not have people to check on me or just say hello, those are just not the people that I have.  I have to think , hum...well all these people it must be me, I am the common theme.  Some people have these amazing families,that are kind and helpful to others who enjoy spending time together,  There are people in their life that can just on the couch and laugh no judging no scrutiny, just careless laughing. People that know their way around your kitchen just because, and are just home in your home. Maybe its a question maybe its a plain statement , either way I don't have a clue, and maybe there just aren't any answers. For me there isn't family, I don't have a treibe, I don't have Family, I don't have "MY"people. I honestly don't understand why, but as much as I hate it, I wish that I did have people.  Maybe this is in the cards and how it was meant to be.  I have had amazing people but they come and go, people do not stick around. I know that I am often too serious, too deep and I try not to be, but that is justme.  That is totally who I am I feel everything so very deeply, and I can be funny but there is always a sense of seriousness.  I am not really a casual talk about the weather kind of person.  If I am going to talk and interact its going to mean something and make a difference.  I see people and the world around me so very different.  I take nothing for granted, and am more than grateful for what I have everyday, and know that I am blessed, but there is a longing for people to share with and understand .  I want to have a tribe, I want to have people that I can watch out for and will do the same for me.  I want to be able to say that I have "PEOPLE". NOt just people that come and go. I have people that will jump in, but not in my everyday. There are not people to give me a hug just because., there are not people to listen, when i have had nightmares every week for weeks .  I just do not have those kind of people that want to stick around.  I know and completly understand that its partly my own fault, I know that I shut people out say that I am fine. But others times I do not, I share from my heart and nothing no responce no caring no kindness so I crawl back in my shel and it takes a miracle for me to come back out.  I do wish that I understood this better, I wish that i could understand and explain why I don't have people.  I have been so vulnerable and said please don't let me fall through the cracks which was HUGE for me, I mean so very difficult, and I feel.  Out of sight out of mind, and that hurts.  So what am I to do ?  I just do not know. I don't at all want to be a burden but to have someone ask and mean it, How are you ?   that is something amazing.  I don't at all want to be a burden or expect to be taken care of I just want to be checked on every now and then.  I would never want to take something from another family.  I just want to share me and my life and who I am and with the life I have had that is difficult.  True everything in my life is different, from my experiences, to how I see things to how I interact, to me being a mom to how I think and the things that matter to me like a little ones heart and my passion for whales.

 

There are so many things that my heart wants to say, and its not coming. I can not find the right words, they don't say what I want them to say and its not pretty .  The words are not flowing and its more than frustrating, if i could only draw a picture.  I need people that share my passions, I need people that have a wanting to understand, I need people to understand how I see things not blow me off because of how different I am.        

 

 

 

 

My life is something that I don't understand; and in comes Forgiveness what does it mean.  And more than just a definition, but for a heart, for my heart what does it mean to forgive someone ?  When so many have let me down, ignored my heart, what does it mean.  I have heard many explanations, that forgiveness is for you really and not for the other person at all.  UNforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die, I heard that and thought it was quite brilliant.  And I hate to say it, but that just might be me, well no I am pretty sure that it is. I have to say that I am a person with excuse my french a shit list.  And friends it is long.  If you get on it, you almost never get off. Its a way for me to keep myself safe, to protect myself from those that have hurt me.  I am trying not keep the hatred but honestly its hard, its really hard.  Because there are people and things that I hate with a passion, things have happened that I will never forget that I am not sure that I will ever be able to forgive.  Some say well  you can forgive just not forget..well my memory needs no help in remembering that's for sure..the memories that I have are not going anywhere.  Forgiving will not make them go away, forgiving can't make things i have experienced go away.  Forgiving will not make my heart whole again.

As an example, my father.  I am not sure that forgiveness is EVER possible.  I feel almost nothing for him and that is a good thing, but its an almost there are times that I hate him more than words.  I will not give him the satisfaction of hearing those words come from my mouth and then expecting that all is well and he is off the hook.  He will NEVER be off the hook.

My mother no not at this point.  There is no forgiving her for how I have been treated. I don't even have words on this right now it just plain hurts to much.  She hurts my children, she tries to buy them back and I will not have it.  There is nothing to say,

Growing up I think that I probably had a skewed sense of forgiveness anyway.  If my father was mad, if he was giving us all the silent treatment, we were the ones that had to ask him to forgive us.  For me it became more of a joke.  Sure ask him to forgive us, REALLY...no that doesn't really work for me.  They would talk about forgiveness in church, but all of the people that hurt me had something to do with church, so forgiveness was not something that I really understood.  Like OK these people went to church so what they had done was to be forgiven, and all would be well, everything was OK.  Well, no nothing was OK and I would never forgive those people. 

I will get to a place where my past doesn't hurt and I will do that with all my hard work and sweat and oceans of tears but you will never hear the words that I forgive those that have hurt me so.

I think there are times when a person has been hurt so much, you can't just keep turning the other cheek, some can and I applaud them.  They are stronger than me.  I will not give these people the OK, that I forgive them. 

I can say that the one person that I have forgiven is Andy.  He was one of the five.  And I feel nothing bad for him, I only wish him good things in this life.  There is a part of me that totally doesn't understand why, but I know with all that I am how he hurt me but he helped me, he helped save me and I am grateful, he has all my forgiveness.  Do I ever want to see him again, I think I would do I want to hang around and be friends no.  But I want to tell him that I do not blame him and I want to thank him for his kindness, for saving my life that day. So I understand what forgiveness can do how it makes you feel.  For Andy it is more than amazing and well deserved, the others not so much.  Some would argue that I just don't know what it feels like but I do , I understand it and there are some that I simply can not forgive.

Then there is my shit list....please excuse the french but there is no nice way to put it.  If you hurt me, if you hurt my very soul you are there.  If you hurt my friends you are there. If you ever hurt a child, with out question you are done in my book.  If you tell me that you are going to do something then don't you are there If I specifically ask you something then you don't you are there.  Its long its very long but with a long list of hurts, I have to do something to keep myself safe and this is it for me. If you are not kind you are there, if you hurt a child you are there.  I mean seriously the list goes on and on.  I am not proud of this list but it is what it is. I was in class, and said something about my shit list, and this guy looked at me and was like WHAT ???  And I said oh yes I have one....It was kind of funny really he never expected it.

You get few chances with me.  I think that it takes so much for me to get involved and to try and to be open and if I get stepped on I am done its time to move on.  And I have to say that I am well aware that most of the time  I am probably the issue and I don't know why really, but I am the common denominator.  So what does a person like me do ?  I don't have a clue.... I think my shit list is a way for me to keep myself safe. So many people have said things and not done them.  If you tell me that you are going to do something that is big, and I expect you to keep your word. I have been so hurt by people, that its more than hard to give them a second chance.  And a few people have been amazing, but amazing seems to come and then go and I would like some amazing to stay.  So forgiveness is   well I don't have a clue, but I know what it feels like to do it and I know that there are things that will never be forgiven.  I know that I probably should not have a shit list but I do, so where does a person go  from here?  I wish that i knew but I know that I will never stop trying....and maybe someday I can forgive them all, maybe someday just maybe....

And this is how the conversation goes....

I am not sure what the world is trying to tell me.  Probably 4 times in just the last month, the same conversation happens and I hold my breath until its over.  People talk about dating and relationships I stay quiet I have nothing to contribute.  The relationships that I have had are not at all what they are talking about.  And in three out of the four conversations it comes up well why in the world would someone be close to forty and not married or never married ?  And all of them every single one of them is dumbfounded as to how that can happen! And I sit there quietly, I listen but I want to scream . I could tell them very easily, or not so easily but I could tell them and I don't. And they might listen they might hear but I never open my mouth. I sit there and feel terrible.  Terrible that I don't have good stories to tell them , that I can tell them why but I can promise that its not pretty. I can say many many things but I do not I sit there and smile and do what I hate most shrug my shoulders. And of coarse the topic of children comes up, and I have heard Hello, you have to have a dad, and other snide comments.  People have asked me directly, and I say as little as possible. Nope its just me.

I guess maybe the truth is hard to take even for me, maybe all those people could take what I had to say and its me that can't.  I am ashamed and embarrassed.  I can't contribute to those conversations because I can not even imagine.  But I sometimes think that I want those things, I do not want to be 40 and single and never married but maybe that is how it was written for me.    Sometimes I think that is one of those things in movies.  Sometimes I even hate that I entertain the idea of getting married, I mean the poor guy. 

So when I am in the middle of those conversations I wish that they went more like this.  I wish that I would open my mouth and give them a little insight.  There is nothing wrong with us, that we are forty and never been married.   We have been hurt beyond measure and are working on healing.   No, I have been hurt and relationships scare the life out of me.   And its not a poor me thing either I just want people to know that just because a person is forty and not married that there is no tragic flaw, just tragic things have happened and it might take me a whole lot longer than it should. But maybe someday I will get lucky and find that right man for me.  I don't know but every time I hear that conversation it digs at me a little more and I just wish that I was normal .

I wish that I could say people have really hurt me and its taking me longer to do EVERYTHING.  And my children well I was raped.  I am their mom and they are my biggest blessing and no there is no dad, it is just me and no that is not a bad thing. We are a family, and that is what matters. Maybe that is just the bottom line, and those conversations don't mean a thing, but I sure wish that I wasn't a part of them.

He held her like a Sea Shell and listened to her heart.

For a little buddy

You know being a teacher is not an easy thing for someone who feels with their whole heart.  My
heart is completely there all the time, wanting to give each and every one of my kids everything that they need.   We work so very hard, we have papers to grade , lessons to plan and rules to follow and tests to give and tutoring to plan for and there are mounds and mounds of paperwork and documentation but the times that I cherish the most are the times during small groups when I get to know the kids.When I get to work one on one and make a connection with them. When I get so excited and the look on their face, they must think that I am crazy! When they trust me enough to open up and share.  There was one little boy in my first grade class, who amazed me. He made my heart smile.  Oh for some reason I was drawn to him he moved here from another state, his parents were not born in the US.  He has the most amazing little laugh.  He thinks that all things are funny even when they are not.  He has so many things to say that sometimes he just can not control himself.  This one little boy found a space in my heart that I can't explain.

And last week one of his Friends came running up to me in the hall and said guess what T made a 100 on his spelling test and for many that might not be a huge accomplishment.  But for T that is amazing. Because in the weeks before it was 20 % sometimes 30%.  And it wasn't that he wasn't trying, he was trying, and really hard.  I believe that his little mind was just so full of everything in his life there was no room for simple words.

One day while I was sitting with him in study hall he started talking, really talking telling his story and the things that he has seen and the experiences that he has had were unimaginable.  The things that  he knows about in his short little life are things that no little one should know about.  And during those fifteen minutes that he was talking and talking telling me all about him, I saw his heart and how as a teacher seeing his heart I can be an even better teacher.  Knowing all those things that he shared, I saw him different, I had an understanding of where he was coming from. In knowing that great amazing kind laughable little heart I can teach him better than before. 

The normal directions are hard for him, the fast past of the classroom is just that fast and he got lost in the shuffle.  He is more than smart and it took taking the time to truly see him to know how I could help him.   It is not that he couldn't get the information; it was in how we deliver it to him, he needed extra kindness extra direction, and that laugh.  He needed to laugh.  With things he knew he needed to laugh, and that needed to be OK.  The things that he knew of laughing was a great thing, and I am glad he could .

I think a part of me connected with him because I was one of those kids.  There was so much going on with me there was no room in my little brain for school.  Being exhausted everyday from the night before is not the ideal way to go through school.  Thinking that you are so different that no one wants to play with you anyway.  Being scared that you are the last one, that you are left out, that you are behind everyone else are daily worries added on to the things that are known and experienced that shouldn't be. I couldn't even read until third grade and it was Mrs. Guise that took the time gave me that special attention, and finally I learned, and became a great reader but it was some one  taking the time, to listen to hear me and to care enough to learn how I needed to be taught. Oh I never told her in words what was going on at home, what was happening to me, but she took me under her wink, she listen to my heart and gave me what I needed and I was able to learn to read.  I still remember her kindness she always had enough time for me, ALWAYS, ALWAYS. 

And I will do that for my kids, they get my time I listen to their heart.  I teach them all the things that they need to know.  I teach them input output tables, I teach them about the presidents and rocks and time and all of the absolute things that they need but I listen to them, I hear their hearts.  I am crying like a baby writing this.  Oh I love little T, he has made a difference for me. When I got to school Friday he was being dropped off and and spotted me and yelled Ms. Callahan and came running around the corner, almost knocking me over giving me a hug.  Oh and I held on asked how he was , I worried about him when I left.  But he is doing amazing and making the grades, and I know that he is going to be OK.

SO I am not sure what I am wanting to say but I know that I will always make time to listen to the little hearts that are in my class and teaching them the materiel is so very important but its even more important to hear their hearts so we know how they learn and how we can teach them.  I will never forget little T and I will never forget how he shared with me.  I will never forget what it felt like for me being a kid in school and the things that I was experiencing at home then trying to keep up with the demands of school; trying to learn.  This is for T , thanks for sharing with me, thanks for letting me hear your heart, I am so glad that I got to be your teacher. 

For T I heart your heart.  I am grateful you shared your story.  For all the kids in my classes , oh how I heart your heart all my kids from first to fifth, you are amazing and I am glad to be your teacher. 

Behind the scenes girl

Why yes that is me, I am the girl that would much rather be behind the scenes than ever be seen.  Its hard those times when you realize that you do not fit with a group of people, that you are just so completely different.  A friend of mine always said that you can't be friends with everyone and that has stuck with me like nothing else I have ever heard.  I totally understand that; it just sucks when that person is you.  Everyone always says everyone likes you every one smiles when they hear your name, but yet you are never the person that people call.  Sure everyone says you are really likable and yet I am usually the one that is alone.  I do understand that part of that is me. I am more a person that is good with one person at a time. I am NOT a big group person.  Well lets be honest I am not really a people person at all.  And I have tried to figure out where that comes from but for as far back as I can remember, I have always been the one in the background.  I think part of that is how I grew up and the things I have had to experience.  When no matter what you do people are cruel and hurting you it changes you and I think that's where it comes from.  People say its a choice, to go out there and be different but for me, I really think I am wired that way.  I am wired to be in the background.  I am wired to observe and watch and I jump in when I am needed but I think this is one of those things like so many other things that is just in my bones.

Some people were over the other night and I wrote a post on face book, People I don't do but dishes, yes I can do dishes".  And that's not a good thing or a bad things its just the way that it is. My stories and life are not something that is easily shared with people.  At another party, I ended up making it my job to clean the playroom.  It was not something that I had to do, no one told me to it was just where I was comfortable, it needed to be done so I did it.  And I was listening to the conversation in the other room, wanting to be a part but not joining, that's just me.

I was watching Nell the other night.  With Jodi Foster and Liam Neeson.  Oh how I love that story for so many reasons.  But in the End, she has joy, she is able to experience the good things around her but in that instant she looks away and you can tell that there is a longing there is a piece that is just missing and I feel like that a lot of the time.  I can experience all the joy that is around me all the good things that are happening but there is a part that is missing there is a piece that I am not sure I can get back, I will fight for it don't get me wrong.  But its missing and I can not ignore that.

The piece that children get when they are little that piece of belonging , that piece of acceptance, that piece that they are OK just because that's who they are.  I am amazed at children all the time, they think they are so wonderful and that they can do anything and everything.  That is the wonderful thing about them, they are all different and do things different and that's awesome.  But;  I missed that, I never got those pieces.  And let me tell you trying to get those pieces as an adult, well its more than difficult, people say well you are not all that different.  And in some aspects no.  But in a lot of ways, I am totally different, I just don't see things the way that other people do, I don't experience things like a normal everyday regular person.  I know that I am weird, that I am more than different that I feel too much , I praubably cry too much, but where I have been that is me.

I see the little things that many others do not notice.  I see that little kid who is watching wanting to play and doesn't have a clue how to interact.  I see beauty and amazement in the everyday; from the clouds to the birds to the sky.  I do not take things for granted. I am more than grateful for the experiences that I am able to have now, I am grateful to live with someone who would watch out for us even if something happened to them, that is big.  I am more than grateful for those things, but a piece is missing.

Again the other night there was a conversation about dating and boyfriends and what people wanted and ........And I can't  share in that conversation....A boyfriend I wouldn't have a clue.....being loved like that I don't have a single clue...not even a glimmer in my eye.....those have never been my experiences.  And someone said wow like being 40 and never been married whats wrong with a person....I sit there quiet and think I could give you a million and one reasons but again my story is heavy and it could sure answer your question but do you really want to hear it ?  There is a group for single moms that I would love to join but again questions would be asked and would they be ready for the answer ?  Would I be open enough to tell ? 

And graduation is coming up and i am scared to death, I mean I am the one that is always behind the scenes wanting to blend in not make a big scene. And I am going to walk across the stage for everyone to see.  There is a part of me that is more than excited but I am so exposed and that is more than terrifying.  And I am having a party being planned for me, and that is more than unbelievable, there is a big part of me that is so excited and so happy and there is a part that wants to crawl in a hole until its all over.  More of me is excited, its just something new and totally different.  There is no way to graduate and fade into the background, well I take that back there is a way but I am doing it different because I only do this once. 

I am a fade into the back ground person but it would be nice for someone to check on you everyonce in awhile.  People don't check on me.  The kids and i have been moved out since September, we don't get the calls asking if we are OK, if we are good, they just don't come .  I know that part of that is me, I totally understand that,  But at the same time  its nice to matter and have someone check on you.

I am more than willing to take responsibility for my part I understand I am not the easiest person to love, or even like. I am not the easiest person to get to know to connect with, I understand that my stories are so very different but someone just checking would be more than amazing every now and then.  I have asked for that before, asked for people to watch out for me make sure that I don't fall through the cracks, but I was asking to much. 

So my problem is I am just going to have to be OK with being the behind scenes girl.  I am going to have to be OK to jump in when I can but know that  its just not right for me.   And again another movie We bought a Zoo, always makes me cry.  In the end the question is asked if you had to choose would you chose people or animals ?  Right now I choose animals , but I have to say someday I hope and pray that maybe people would be my choice. I am not giving up maybe someday I will find those pieces that are missing.

I heart your heart.   

Baby steps to Giant steps and everything in between.

 

 

This says it all really.  Baby steps to Giant steps and everything in between.  I have needed to write for a few weeks and the words just have not come, there is everything to say and nothing to say.  Words seem like they don't even come close to what I want to express.  I long for people to listen to my words and hear my heart.  I wanted to write last weekend, after finishing my seven weeks with my amazing first graders.  Oh I love them.  Even on their not so great days.  I am at home with them, and feel like I am enough to care for their heart and teach their little minds.   I was dreading Monday, I offered a kidney, Emailed anyone that would listen to my letting them know that first grade is where I was meant to be and wouldn't someone please please let me stay.  The answers all the way around were no, and I was moving on to fifth grade.  I was excited to see some of them, but it was overwhelming.  Such attitudes, such an air of confidence that I just don't have a clue what to do with.  I get frustrated because its like they don't have a care in the world and  that is something that I just don't understand.  I know that the life that they have is different than what I had in fifth grade and its just absolutly mind blowing some of these kids. They are disrespectful and often rude, they are not kind.  They don't care,their parents don't care and I worry if I will be enough.  I want to give them confidence and courage and I want them to care about themselves and their grades and I think that I can want that for them their entire life, but if they don't want it , then I just can't give it to them. For fifth grade I have to let them know that I truly care, I want them to be successful and to care.  I do care for them and a part of me wishes that I didn't because its really hard.  I have already cried and I have been in their class for one week, only 5 days.  I just want to make a difference for them.  There is one little girl, with almost no friends and almost never smiles and every day I get to her smile and remind her how beautiful she is, and that I like to see her smile and she needs to do it more often.  The boy who loves to read and act out but who I asked if he needed help he quietly shook his head and I helped him undertand.  To the one I helped in tutoring who is loud and knows all but was quiet and kind and glad for the help and worked really hard.  One teacher said well fifth grade they are just first grade in bigger bodies and I think that might be true.  They are different, they are needy, they want the same things that my little ones did.  It is a struggle for me to give it to them, I have realized that I am a little harder on them because I want so much for them.  I want them to succeed and do great things.  I want them to know that even if no one cares for them at home I care every second that they are in my class and for each and every one of my students I would jump in front of a bus for.  That is big for me and I do not look forward to the days in fifth grade , not yet but I know they are excited to see me well at least some of them are.  I am tough, tougher than I expected really. Respect is a must and kindness goes with out saying. There is no moving of desks and no teachers favorites.  One class even has points that they give each other for being teachers pet.  Pure Crazy !   So for me its baby steps into fifth grade and as I look back they will become giant steps.   Its hard to love when you cant even fathom loving yourself at that age.  So what these next 6 weeks bring I am sure will be full of tears, and crazy, and joy.  Its almost there, I have almost made it to the end of this journey and I know with my entire heart that there is much for this heart to learn in these next 6 weeks.  I hope that I can make a difference. I hope that I am there for them.  I hope that I am able to teach them and touch their heart.  I hope that they know that I care with my entire heart and want the world for them whether they are fifth or first I truly love them.