Just a tap

Just a tap it seems like that is all that it will take.  So fragile and yet so strong. All the what happened to you ? All who what and wheres are all held together in this ball by sheer will and determination not to let them win. The things that are spoken the things I can't bring myself to speak. I have spent my entire life trying to make everything look good, trying to make everything pretty . Smiling and saying that things are OK.  Laughing and making jokes to try to ease the things that are constantly running through my head.  If just once someone could see through that smile through that laugh at the terrible things that I am trying to get away from.  I am more than careful I don't want to upset anyone I don't want to make anyone else sad. I don't want people to feel bad for me,  I don't want to be a burden or a pest, and yet in this moment I feel that a tap; A simple tap and  all that I have worked so hard to keep together is going to shatter into pieces.  I feel like little Callahan is closer than he has ever been. That is terrifying, Like close enough for me to touch, inches in front of me. She just wants safety, and to know that she isn't so awful terrible so gross and disgusting. I can't even tell you how much that scares me,  I am not sure that I can give her all the she needs. I worry about keeping her safe.  In a sense I feel like I am the lucky one, because I just went away because it was that bad,  she couldn't do that she was there and experienced it all.  I more than feel bad for her.  This makes a person feel pretty bat shit crazy.  I know that all those things happened to me, but I see them happening to her, because I was just too far away.  Sometimes I feel the feelings but mostly she took the brunt of all things awful.  Because me I knew it was coming, what was expected, what I had to do so I was in the corner, on the ceiling anywhere but there waiting for the monsters to finish. The times I couldn't get away and was there first hand was unimaginable.  We have tried to stay strong for such a long time, and I feel like just a tap and that perfectly kept bubble will break.  I am more than afraid of what is inside, I think the fear is that I won't survive it.  I have seen quotes you survived the rapes you will survive the recovery and I more than want to believe that. But this heart of mine fears that I won't at all survive.  I know just how difficult the thoughts and feelings are now and its more than hard to imagine that I will make it through them if I connect to them.  All the trauma and abuse that this sphere holds, I often fear will kill me. This sphere just might wreck me; shatter me into millions of pieces that I won't be able to put back together.  I am not sure how a person survives  the evil that has been done. I think that things will always look different to me.  I can't unsee the things I have seen, I can't forget the hands that have torn my heart, the words spoken that made me feel small.  I don't want to forget, because there is no magic pill for that.  I  just don't want my heart to hurt, I don't know what to do with so many little details in my head, that are like a spear in my side ALL THE TIME.  I just want peace, a little piece of Peace that I survived and I want to feel good about that.  I want to be proud of myself and and   Goodness, I know I will never forget but I want to be able to live my life with those things not having the hold that they do.  I want to be able to make decisions for my life because its what I want not because I am afraid.  I am sure that I fear the shattering and then being left to pick up the pieces alone,  I worry that I am not strong enough to give Little Callahan all that she needs.  She is more than needy and I struggle with that.   She deserves all the good attention that she gets but Me attention is dangerous.  Everything is such a balance.  The tapping has to come for all the pieces to be broken and come together again as a whole .

I heart your heart .    

What I've always wanted

Till it happens to you . 

I am learning the things that I want and I want someone to understand I want someone there. I want to be worthy of my space and worthy too stand tall  I don't at all want to be alone anymore, and yet I am not sure how to let people in.  I want people there to hold my head to hold my heart to give me a blanket and tell me that they are there. I more than want someone to hold space for me as I grieve as I process as I try to let go and become more of the person that I want to be. As I become to like the person that I am,  the struggles that I have had and how I am overcoming them.  I want someone to notice me and to remember those hard days and just let me know that they are there.  I want to be included and remembered and valued .  I want my story to be acknowledged , I want people to ask questions and not be afraid.  The more that its out there there less that I have to hold on too, and the better I will feel. The lighter that my heart can become because I won't be doing it on my own anymore.  I say that I want all that has happened to me to mean something and I don't yet know what that is, its not a reason that I am looking for its an understanding really so I can make sure others don't have to live a life like I have.  I want to be heard and I want to feel brave and proud and strong even on those days when the dark is all that I see.  I want the sad days to be ok, and the happy days to be even better.  I am a mix of so much, even good things that I can be proud of and I want those things to be out there  for people to see.  I want to be loved where I am and I want to be respected for where I am and where i have come from.  All of these things that I desperately want seem so much to ask yet I don't think I ask for much at all; maybe the things I need are to much for anyone.  I don't think that I ask for much but I don't understand why no one stays.  YES, that more than anything I want people to stay.  I want people to laugh with and cry with and wonder with.  I want someone that will wrap me in their arms making sure my heart is cared for so I don't feel so all alone in this world. I need people to hear my story and also be able to look past that and see who I am in spite of all those  horrific terrible things that have happened. I want a tribe a group of people that I can care for in the same way.    I want someone, not just someone but people who can handle my dark and my light and love me through and through.  I feel like the more that I keep writing my list of the things that I want  is growing. I just so much want to be understood and for the things that are important to me to be acknowledged too. My story needs to be acknowledged and the things that have happened to my very being, to my spirit must not be overlooked. The fight , the resolve that I have to make things better for others, I want that to be seen and A wise man once said that I have grit.  Yes, I like that word. I want that for myself too.

I heart your heart.

Rough Spot

Well, yea its rough right now. Staring down the bear and no one gives a shit.  I promise I am not so brave and not so strong. Showers are rough, sleeping is close to impossible, I am grouchy and my heart is tired and hurt.    I finally took a shower today,and even washed my hair. I know no applause please,  and somehow that doesn't make me feel any better. I still feel like shit.  I want to run away back to my Creekview house and just be me again. My children my space where everything was less complicated.  I am not a fan of the situation that I am in  There are things that are swirling spinning twisting inside my head and I can't get them out of my mouth. There are things I want to say to people near and far and I don't I feel that I can I feel that it will hurt their feelings or make them move even further away from my hart.  So many things that I don't understand.  My heart is tired.  I want people on my side supporting me and being there for my heart not bringing up other peoples attitudes and opinions.  I don't want  excuses but just be there for me, Damn is that too much to ask ?  Really ?  I am more than frustrated .  I feel like some of these things are just to big for my heart .  I am facing things that I am not ready for never expected and don't have a clue what to do. My feelings my decisions, my heart me in general  are not honored or respected and its not a fun place to be.  I feel like I have to do everything. There is no one to bounce ideas off, there is no one to share my thoughts and ideas and struggles with.  Its all me all the time and It's CRAZY. I hate being the odd man out and at the same time I won't compromise for things that aren't me . So am I meant to always be the one that is different?  Not understood and not valued?   So I guess it's my own fault to be in this place but that doesn't make it any easier.

Situations with my mom situations with my brother seeing situations being repeated how I grew up and I literally want to scream at the world.  It's a place where I feel like I generally don't matter much to those around me.  I sent a message and got a response, I love you to  and I had to laugh I never said that "I love you" and there was the I miss you and an even bigger laugh because I am sure that I am not missed and I don't remember the last time that they reached out to see how I was ; that is not love and that is not a sign that you are missed.

 I have taken so much time off taking care of mom taking her to appointments dealing with  her surgery and again last week, then then then......Are You Ready For This......they ask about her power of attorney and its my brother....Wow that was a punch in the gut.  Who are you living with , who ? Please tell me ???? That's fine,  then he needs to step up.  And while on the subject of my brother, he is an Ass a self centered Ass that cares about himself.  My mother hasn't gotten the clue that he will drop her in a second and go back to all the things that stress him out. She has always chosen sides and I have never been the chosen side  I told her about Carly and Jayden being on facebook, and how they are saying they have moved to McKinney and I guess Laurelle is engaged...and Chris's friends are commenting on Carly's posts  just not ok.  I want him to be aware and he is clueless. I get the shoulder shrug, like no big deal. and I get blocked,  so obviously she talked to my brother about the things that I said. kind of funny kind of not. It hurts, why bother saying anything if you going to run and tell the person.   Nothing is kept and I am pretty sure she ran right to my brother.  I guess she could never be nice to both of us at the same time growing up and IT is obviously not my time NOW.  So fucking tired of my heart being the one that gets trampled, and being the one always willing to rearrange to meet others needs.

 And my decisions when it comes to Vincent I am tired of the judgement, the groans and second guesses. He is my son and she has no right making any judgments.  He was going to do some work with Chris,  It was money for him and he was excited then Chris's boss said no that due to codes and some things he couldn't do it.  Fine, then there is the call to my mother asking if Vincent can work with him....for one she is not his mother and I have asked him to contact me and that is never done then its done in front of Vincent and now all of the sudden Chris wants him to work at the same place that his boss told him no.....AND....how does that make sense ? Why does he not contact me and goes through my mother.  No, if something happens and he isn't even supposed to be there, who is responsible for that ? Because he doesn't want his helper who is employed with the company to do it?  Too many red flags for me and things that just don't make sense. Yet, I am the bad guy, and I get all the questions and dirty looks. I am making the right choice for Vincent but there is no support in that.   It's the support right now; there is none.  I am more than tired being second guessed about the decisions that I make for my own children. I am tired of the dirty looks and disapproving biting her lip and whispering to Vincent.  She is part of the problem with him and what in the world am I supposed to do with that ?  I talk to her she doesn't see it , I try to talk to Vincent and he sticks up for her.  I feel that she puts Vincent in the middle and it more than hurts my heart because its not fair to him.  And it more than affects our relationship and that drives me mad.

I can honestly say that I will be more than glad that I am starting back to work.  This hasn't felt like much of a summer.  I do try and take a break and feel more than guilty.  I am trying to just do me, and that becomes a struggle when someone is breathing down your neck.  I know that this will pass, thing will change the kids are getting older.  I also know that August 22 is coming up, that is always a hard one.  I want to do something and celebrate the kids that day.  They are truly everything and I don't know what I would do with out them.  There is just so much and more everyday support is so needed and there just isn't any.  So I have to believe it will change it will get better and things will calm down once again after this storm, this HUGE monstrous storm passes.

I heart your heart

Closest EVER....

Little Callahan was the closest that she has ever been on Tuesday. Like right there in front of me, right between Mark and I . She so wanted to reach out for a hug, but I think the stun factor of her being so close was more than overwhelming for me.  Like so close she was inches in front of me, she was this little person who wanted nothing more than a kind safe hug. To be heard to be valued to truly matter.  I am not sure if she has ever really gotten any of that.  I know that Mark was saying something but the world stopped and just like that she was right there.  That has never happened before, she was close enough , and right in front of my face facing mark. I could have reached out and touched her.  She was strong and more than brave.  I keep trying to find a picture and I have yet to find one,  I wish that I drew to be able to draw what was happening in my head.   All she wanted was a safe hug and for me I knew that I had already taken too much time,  and I wouldn't ask for another one.  So strange.  She was so so so close.  I keep looking for the right picture for the right words and I still haven't found any.  What made her get that close and want a hug, I am not sure that she would have let go, all she saw was safety and she wanted a hug to forget all the bad and make everything ok.

It was planned

I am not sure that I can get my head around this one. He planned the things that he was going to do to me ?  He knew what he was going to do.  Like laying with him every night and waiting for him to jump, he had every intention of going the things that he did to me.  Like I keep saying that in my head and its not making sense it's not fitting into any space that I have available.  And I think of certain nights, and it like a knife right through my heart.  How could he plan those things , how could he know what he was going to do.......

I think of the times that are etched in my memory the ones where I remember every second and the fear level is so high that I would have rather died. or those times that I thought I might he knew exactly what he was doing and didn't care he didn't care about me t all.  I always said well its OK he thinks I am my mom. Det. Plemmons blew that one out of the water.  He knew the difference, he knew it was me and he knew what he was doing.  That was a hard one that still baffles my mind and doesn't have a place to rest in my mind because I fight it. Then add that he had a plan that he knew each night what he was going to do to me the rapes the oral sex the terror, the threats about getting sick he was always thinking always trying to cover his tracks.  Those nights when I felt so proud of myself for quietly sneaking out of his bed and going to my own bed.  That weighs more than you can imagine on this already heavy heart.  I don't know how to make sense of that.  So the first time I ever remember,  and he reached over,  he knew it was me and he knew what he was going to do.  The night I did actually fall asleep and woke up his legs around my neck telling me I better not get sick how in the world do you shame a child blame a child and threaten them not to get sick when you are doing the things that you are doing ?  I DO NOT UNDERSTAND......I thought I was going to die, I couldn't breathe and didn't fully understand, that is unimaginable.  Because he planned it, he knew that he was going to do that to his little girl.  Just a little girl of 5, I didn't have a clue.  I am sitting here with that in front of me and I don't have breathe and I can't seem to move, my fingers are moving as I remember every second, and the fear, I was so afraid and more than what he was doing I was afraid that I would get sick and really make him mad.  I was afraid after him doing that , of getting sick making him mad ......He was more than angry as he pushed me out of bed,  he was rough and hurtful and so strong.  I barely made it to the restroom, and I can remember thinking wondering what I did wrong....I was thinking what I had done wrong when all the while it was his plan. I wanted him to be proud of me for not getting sick, and not making a mess in his room.  The entire world stopped for me trying to make sense of that night.  I blamed myself for falling asleep,  I should have been able to stay awake, and left before he had the chance to hurt me.  So much responsibility on such a little girl.  I am not sure that knowing he had a plan changes anything but somehow in my head it does change things.  Like it was random or just one of those things but that he planned hurting me that way..... like he thought about the things he was going to do ,  I don't know how to make sense of that AT ALL ...Makes me have so many more questions....

Like it totally makes me think that he had a hand in all of the other things that happened also.  How do you rape your daughter when ever you want and someone else is also raping her and you not know ?  I am pretty sure that he knew about Albert.  Ex specially that one day when I remember looking back and seeing my parents and Albert already had his hands in my pants before they were out of sight.  I would like to know just a few of their conversations I feel like I would get a better picture of the things that he knew and the things that he allowed.  I also think he had a hand with don and them . I was getting older I was resisting, I was telling him no more and more and he couldn't stand it. I think maybe he thought it was yet another way to silence me and if I ever said anything it would be easy to blame the gang rape. Maybe he saw that as his way out.  Once that was out he pretended to be so upset, and he made it all about him and what he was feeling and crying and carrying on, so pitiful and I got nothing.  No warmth no care no understanding .  I got nothing but doubt and hate and the odd one out I was the fat girl that just wanted attention.  I was the one that was asking for it, that didn't lock the door, that just wanted attention.

I am not sure how a person gets through all of this this.  There is so much, so much pain and hurt and shame and pure humiliation that these things happened to me.  I can't get those pictures out of my head.  I still smell them all and I feel their hands and I hear their moans and groans and I am the one that is left to deal with it all.  Maybe dealing with this piece there will be some relief, and a realization that I am not the most awful terrible piece of shit that a person can imagine. 

I heart your heart.

These things are my heart

They tell me it happened a long time ago. They tell me by now, I should be free. They tell me it’s my job, to save my my own soul; that I alone, hold the key. But they don’t understand the power he holds; these horrific flashbacks and memories. Not once have they ever stopped and asked themselves why, or what it must have been like, to be me.”
-Little girl speak

“And every time she closes her eyes, she relives it, all over again. Be kind to the souls, who have survived. You can’t imagine what it feels like, to live inside their head.” 
-Little girl speak




I know, that you had to become a child warrior, even though it’s not something, that you would ever possibly choose. But I, am doing everything now, within my power; to make things right. I am fighting this battle, for you.” 
-Little girl speak





“I know it hurts deeply. And nothing can erase all the damage they’ve done. But you shaped yourself, into a force to be reckoned with. And nothing can take away your fierceness, or this warrior you’ve become. So go and slay your demons, little brave. The battle, is already won.”
-Little girl speak




“Like a bird on a wire I am fiercely inspired to balance myself and my soul. I am going to win this come hell or high water. I’m not backing down; won’t let go.”
-Little girl speak




And I have leaned to make far too much sense, out of tragedies. I have justified all of the darkness you held, but I cannot wrap my mind around what it all means. What does the cold hard truth, say about me? Am I nothing more than a pushover? Nothing more than the bones of a frail little girl, who’s lived her whole life afraid? At the end of the day, are these wounds that I’ve self inflicted, any better or worse than the wounds you have made? And what can be said of our story? I never wanted your history to be entangled with mine. I will forever bear the weight of these things that you’ve done to me. I will carry this damage, for the rest of my life. Most days it feels like I’m drowning; like someone keeps shoving my head under water, expecting that I can keep breathing. I push myself harder and harder to swim; to not reach out for help; to not get lost in the nothingness. Some days it feels like I’m floundering; like I’m out here all alone. No safe place to plant my feet on the ground; no place to call my home. A vagabond, with walls so paper thin. A prisoner of a war, that never should have been. You raped the soul of a seven year old girl. You snuffed out her innocence; you obliterated her world. And you get to be free, while she’s still here drowning; while she’s gasping for air, as she fights to keep breathing. Some days her heart has to fight so damn hard, in order to just keep beating. You got all the freedom. No scary dark and sleepless nights. You abused and you raped, in this war you have waged. She’ll be fighting your darkness, for the rest of her life.”
-Little girl speak

Sometimes these doors still don’t seem to make sense, long after we’ve pried them open. But we owe it to ourselves, to make sense of this darkness; to find the truths that make us fierce, and own them.”
-Little girl speak


It’s haunting, isn’t it? The way, they can just pass you by, as if you’re a stranger, when they know your story; when they’ve seen the many tears, that you’ve worked so hard, to allow yourself, to cry. It cuts like a knife, when they minimize this hell, that you’ve been through. When they choose, to not look, inside your ocean eyes. But you must know, somehow by now, that the problem, isn’t you. They don’t know how, to handle your agony; they cannot comprehend, such horrific abuse. And I’m so sorry, that the coping skill they’ve chosen, is to make you feel distanced, and rejected; abandoned, and without a home. But you have to understand, they don’t know how, to handle your pain. This is the hardest part, of the healing process; when it feels, like you’re left in the darkness, alone.”
-Little girl speak

“She found herself in places, that she couldn’t escape from. In horrible situations, beyond her worst imaginations. He did things to her, that no human being should do, to another. He was a grownup man, with grownup skin. And she was tiny, and frail. Nothing more than a frightened, and scared little girl. But something happened to her, in that darkness. In that place where nothing good, ever seemed to grow. She discovered a resilience, that was buried deep inside her. A mighty warrior was developing, from deep within her bones. For she was becoming a fighter. She was harnessing her power. There was such an inner strength, about her; the likes of which this world, had never truly known.” 
-Little girl speak



“Are you seriously asking me why I’m so angry? Are you that freaking clueless? Do you really want to keep making me feel like I’m nothing? Like I’m worthless? You were the one who abandoned me. You left me there alone, to fend for myself in the dark. And now you can’t stand the sight of me; the aftermath of the storm that YOU created. The rage that has grown so big, and is so deeply rooted inside my shattered heart.”
-Little girl speak


She was the weird girl, who sang dark songs. While the other little girls were outside and playing, she was etching her pain onto walls.”
-Little girl speak

“I have been to such dark places, that you would never understand. I’ve held onto such depravity, in the palm of my small hands.”
-Little girl speak

You can’t break a girl, who’s already broken. She’s got nothing left, to lose. But if she is brave enough, to rip her wounds wide open; she can heal. It’s always been up to her. All she has to do, is choose. She has to find the strength, to bet on herself. For when she finally does, she can’t lose.” -Little girl speak For you cannot stop the light, any more than you could stop the dark. The tides are changing. The sun will rise. And I promise, you’ll stop falling apart.” -Little girl speak “Some day you will learn how to scale these mountains, that you never thought you could climb. One day you’ll look back into your rear view mirror, and realize you’ve left the past behind.” -Little girl speak Darkness all around her. Curled up in the smallest way. No light could get in. There were only small cracks inside of that space. But she could feel herself changing. Somehow deep down, she knew that she would be alright. Then all of a sudden, she felt strength and power beginning to engulf her. She burst open that cocoon, and took flight.” -Little girl speak “And you will weather these storms inside of you. Somehow you will learn how to swim. You will become so strong and impenetrable, that no one can ever drown you again.” -Little girl speak

Missing

I more than hate missing people. I hate that I need them that I come to depend on them and I hate the fact that I miss them when they are not around. When they decide to walk away when my life becomes too heavy to have around.  For me people don't stay.  I don't know why and I am tired of asking myself that  question. Why what is it about me that people are always leaving.  I fear that I am too needy that my life is to heavy that there just isn't a place for me in the world.  And then once again I get attached and it more than drives me crazy.  I am counting the days until Mark comes back from his vacation and I hate that about myself.  Why do I let people become so important and then I miss then with all that I have.  I don't get it.  After being left by my favorites, reminded of how much time was spent on me I was done. I was COMPLETELY done. Done ever asking them for help or advise again but I was completely done in general.  Because my heart is more than tired of people leaving me and being alone yet again.  I would rather be  by myself  and not needing another person and alone then long for something that isn't meant for me.  There is no unconditional right now except for Mark. That is more than terrifying. I have absolutely nothing to give and he makes space for me.  He hears and he listens and I know that is his job, but it feels more in my heart there is a genuine caring that my heart more than needs.  I hate my heart for holding on so tight for feeling safe for wanting him to hear me. I hate the number of emails that I have written and deleted wanting to know that he isn't going anywhere, that somehow on this trip he has decided I am pesky and I can't see him anymore.  I worry for my heart when that day comes and he says he is done.......I fear that day, more than you can possibly imagine.  I want to make him promise that he will always be my place, and I know that I can't do that but every bone in my body wants to beg him , please don't ever leave me .  THAT FEELING that feeling of being so desperate, it the most terrible awful thing.