Just a tap

Just a tap it seems like that is all that it will take.  So fragile and yet so strong. All the what happened to you ? All who what and wheres are all held together in this ball by sheer will and determination not to let them win. The things that are spoken the things I can't bring myself to speak. I have spent my entire life trying to make everything look good, trying to make everything pretty . Smiling and saying that things are OK.  Laughing and making jokes to try to ease the things that are constantly running through my head.  If just once someone could see through that smile through that laugh at the terrible things that I am trying to get away from.  I am more than careful I don't want to upset anyone I don't want to make anyone else sad. I don't want people to feel bad for me,  I don't want to be a burden or a pest, and yet in this moment I feel that a tap; A simple tap and  all that I have worked so hard to keep together is going to shatter into pieces.  I feel like little Callahan is closer than he has ever been. That is terrifying, Like close enough for me to touch, inches in front of me. She just wants safety, and to know that she isn't so awful terrible so gross and disgusting. I can't even tell you how much that scares me,  I am not sure that I can give her all the she needs. I worry about keeping her safe.  In a sense I feel like I am the lucky one, because I just went away because it was that bad,  she couldn't do that she was there and experienced it all.  I more than feel bad for her.  This makes a person feel pretty bat shit crazy.  I know that all those things happened to me, but I see them happening to her, because I was just too far away.  Sometimes I feel the feelings but mostly she took the brunt of all things awful.  Because me I knew it was coming, what was expected, what I had to do so I was in the corner, on the ceiling anywhere but there waiting for the monsters to finish. The times I couldn't get away and was there first hand was unimaginable.  We have tried to stay strong for such a long time, and I feel like just a tap and that perfectly kept bubble will break.  I am more than afraid of what is inside, I think the fear is that I won't survive it.  I have seen quotes you survived the rapes you will survive the recovery and I more than want to believe that. But this heart of mine fears that I won't at all survive.  I know just how difficult the thoughts and feelings are now and its more than hard to imagine that I will make it through them if I connect to them.  All the trauma and abuse that this sphere holds, I often fear will kill me. This sphere just might wreck me; shatter me into millions of pieces that I won't be able to put back together.  I am not sure how a person survives  the evil that has been done. I think that things will always look different to me.  I can't unsee the things I have seen, I can't forget the hands that have torn my heart, the words spoken that made me feel small.  I don't want to forget, because there is no magic pill for that.  I  just don't want my heart to hurt, I don't know what to do with so many little details in my head, that are like a spear in my side ALL THE TIME.  I just want peace, a little piece of Peace that I survived and I want to feel good about that.  I want to be proud of myself and and   Goodness, I know I will never forget but I want to be able to live my life with those things not having the hold that they do.  I want to be able to make decisions for my life because its what I want not because I am afraid.  I am sure that I fear the shattering and then being left to pick up the pieces alone,  I worry that I am not strong enough to give Little Callahan all that she needs.  She is more than needy and I struggle with that.   She deserves all the good attention that she gets but Me attention is dangerous.  Everything is such a balance.  The tapping has to come for all the pieces to be broken and come together again as a whole .

I heart your heart .