Standing Dead

 

I am fighting so hard right now and I am not winning.  It is that hard enveloping kind of sad that fills every crack and crevice.  I spend so much time fighting clawing my way back , but it feels like I am in a free fall through an unknown black hole.  I am terrified that I will never find my footing.  Exhaustion is settling in as my body absorbs every picture and memory that my mind chooses to replay.  Every breathe is a reminder of how close that I have come to dying, and the moments that I wished one of them would have just finished me off.  The more that I fight , it seems the stronger their grip. 

What the mask does to me.

 

As always I live life feeling like there is something terribly wrong with me.  I feel like there is always something wrong, some memory that hurts my soul; So I should just smile and keep pretending that I am fine.  That deep dark sadness is back and its fierce.  I hope that someday soon it will lessen , I feel like I can't keep being sad over the things that I can't change.  The weight of the things that I have survived is so suffocating.  I work so hard to be a normal, unaffected person. Yes, terrible things have happened , but shit Callahan pull up your boot straps already and move on.  The weight of all that I have survived is a kind of internal suffocation that is a thief stealing whatever it wants, whenever it wants.  There are so many reminders, triggers and flashbacks being back at school.  And I literally feel like i ma drowning.  I had an ARD on Friday and I literally was amazed at myself.  I was somewhere else in the room, waiting for my principle to tell me all that I had done wrong but  I was calm and focused ; aware of my words and I think it went well.  I was in the room alone, with my mask off and yet felt every thread across my face. 

Wearing a mask every day is such a heavy burden EVEN when I take it off. All the thoughts, emotions and memories are still there all vying for attention. I am Wanting to be calmed,  I want them to be different. Wanting them to be some kind of nightmare that I can wake up from, take a deep breathe and know all is well with the world. So many terrible memories, sensations and feelings all coming at me. 

Whether it was that suffocating feeling as my father would straddle my neck on the waterbed.  Or the many pairs of hands that would cover my mouth trying to quiet the screams, or whimpers.  Their breathe on my face, that closeness as they hurt me is something so personal and close that there is nothing more that I want than to run a million miles away and find some place in the world where my face is gently held and cared for for.  A person's face is so personal so close,  I don't know there is some kind of personal barrier when a person's face is involved.  I am not sure that I even have the words to explain it.  Like with just a rape there is space and distance somehow but my face , that is a trauma that is more personal for me and terrifying.  Wearing a mask is all these things on repeat, while trying to be a normal functioning adult.  All the times that men were on top of me taking what wasn't theirs.  That closeness to my face, feeling each breathe waiting for them to be done with my little lifeless body.  So am I sad, oh yes because every second takes me back to the things I am trying so hard to forget and move on from. 

My heart hurts. 

I heart your heart.  I will make it somehow, I am not sure how but I know that I will. 

How I hold your heart

I am always so careful.I watch my words and my actions. I listen to the words and remember the important things. Things that are hard, that hurt your heart.  I remember those friends that have lost parents, I remember those friends when they are grieving.  I remember the days that your mom died and I remember the day that she lost her baby I remember those things and I offer support, I offer love. I offer, whatever it is that the person might need.  Those little things are important.  I remember bringing you ice cream, and sitting with those in the waiting room.  I make dinner on those hard anniversaries and offer my ear if you need to talk.  I send those messages , letting you know that I see you and I am here.   Those little things make a person feel seen and heard and valued.  I will travel far and help you unpack your house.  I will remember those important days, I will send cards and drop off friend presents.  I do those things because its important because I never want someone day that matters to them go unnoticed.  I do those things so that others know, I remember and I am here. 

There is also a sad in doing this for others.  In doing this it touches a part of my heart that has always been forgotten. My days are never remembered. My days are never acknowledged.  Most days I am not seen and heard, and there is an understanding that some things just are not meant to be for me.  There are a few times I was remembered and those things mean the world, I was so very grateful.  There was that Aug 22 when two women took the kids and I to the Zoo.  It meant everything , then they disappeared.  Recently, there was a blog post about  my anniversaries and how hard they are and the support that I received from the people that I work with was unbelievably amazing.  I felt loved. People went out of their way to let me know they cared.  Those people are my people, we make each other laugh and its ok when we cry.  Yes, that.  That is where healing happens.

I will always care for others hearts, that is what I do, that it what needs to be done. I love the thought that I can be that person to hold your heart and be there during a rough time. I want to be that thought that wow she remembered.  I will forever be that person.  Someday,  someday there will be a person that remembers my hard days and holds my heart and holds me when I cry and laughs with me.  A person that can understand that the acknowledgement of those days is more healing than a person could ever imagine. 

I heart your heart.