When I love more

I wish I could truly understand this.  I have felt it for as long as I remember with almost everyone.  I always ask myself Why ? WHY? WHY?  I mean it must be me right ?  I see other people that are so lived and people seem to stay people have forever's and I wonder where is mine?  I just want a forever in my everyday.  Someone who checks on my heart, someone who knows me and will ask the hard questions and stay for the answers.  People have these deep connecting friendships,  I don't because I hide, because I fear because I don't want to put my heart there for it once again to be left...I would not  give up the way that I love for anything I just want that back. I have been in self protection mode for some time, and it shows. I don't want to be a fill in or seconds and that makes me different.  In doing that it often leaves you alone, but I guess I would rather be real and true than fake.  I would rather be real than be with people in places that are forced.  That's just not me and even though I don't want to be included it still hurts when I am not.  I am not sure why or how and someway I have to make that ok for me.  I feel like I always love more , give more, and its from that caring place. The sad place that I am all too aware of and will do anything to make sure that others don't feel that same feeling.  Somehow its not ok for others but its ok for me.  And then just like that I am wiped off their slate of people and I hold on wishing that things were different that people were there that people reached out that people made me a priority just sometimes. 

Maybe I am just not one of those people maybe I will always just love more, maybe like all that I believe in its just in my bones.  How do you just write a forever person from the slate ?  Or do I ?  DO I keep holding on knowing that the feelings only go one way.  I am sure that there is caring there, but there is not understanding, there is not the things that I hold dear.  I can't force it, make it something that it isn't and that will always and forever hurt.  Maybe its been a long time coming but new situations new realizations and the wound gets opened again.  And I feel like I have been lied to and betrayed.  I feel like an option, when nothing else is around.  I sometimes feel like a duty and I am not a duty, I am not there are parts of me that are funny, and crazy and there are things that I am more than passionate about but I just don't fit with some people. Maybe once but never anymore.  Some things like this are just going to take some time to sink in.  I am sure that I will forget and I will care for the heart because I am a friend, and I am sure that once again I will feel the disappointment and be in this same place.  Right now I want to lash out, because my heart is kind of broken, my one safe place in the world, the place that made everything ok is not my place anymore . I want to scream and swear and probably throw things but instead I hide the tears and write .


And I am not one to pretend, I am not one to be fake.  I can not pretend to want to be somewhere.  I can not be real around others who have been nothing but fake.  So I will not change who I am to fit in. I will not be somewhere that I don't belong.  I will start taking care of me and maybe someday I hope those right people will stay and they will be my kind of people.  Everyone has to have people out there right ?  Right ?  Somewhere even I have people ?  Hopefully ?Maybe?  Well I will keep searching until I find them.

 I am tired of people knowing that things come up and saying things like oh yea I have thought about you a few times ???? What but you have never once asked if I am ok ??  If you love me, its not ok to let me drown it's not ok to tell me to be something that I am not . It;s not ok to tell me I need to believe in something that you know is more than hard. 











Just good and bad I want someone who can take all of me. The good days, the rough ones even the ones where I am drowning.  Because I don't stay there long but when I am there I want someone to be with me. I want someone who wants to be my person not someone who feels like they need to be. 

I heart your heart.

I promise to never stop searching.

getting worse, no one wants to hear

I want people close and I want them to stay I want them to be here for my everyday to give me a hug when things aren't so ok.  I want them to laugh at my jokes and the little things that make me me. I see that's the problem I want to much. I want people to ask the right questions so I don't have to carry them alone.  I want it to be ok to feel.  Today I finally wrote and just others telling you that's ok, that means the world.  All to often the things that I feel and the things that I experience are not ok and that makes me sad.  What am I supposed to do besides pay someone to hear me to listen to the things on my heart, to ask the hard questions to be there when I want to crawl out of my skin.  It has definitely been a rough few weeks, its the end of the year I should be enjoying things and there is a heaviness.  My thoughts are there fighting to understand.  In my head I know that I never will but my heart wants n understanding or at least someone there to tell me that its even ok to never understand that its ok that you're heart is still broken yes even after all this time. If I could even find the words to write the things in my head in my heart and in the moments I don't know how.  It's rough right now and I look forward to things once again getting lighter.  But right now they are not light they are more than heavy and there are moments I am ok that I am alone.  And there are moments that it hurts like hell.  I need to get out of this place and that is hard when no matter where you look there are stories and stories that are more than hard to hear.  I want to be this strong # me too survivor but I feel more like a defeated wet rat trying to find my way. YES, that right there the problem : 

  I want to be this strong # me too survivor but I feel more like a defeated wet rat trying to find my way

So hard if it were just so easy to take a shower and let it all was away.

I heart your heart.  Even if its only my own.  I heart your heart.