Water Bed

Once again one of those things out of nowhere that cuts like a knife.  Sometimes its a song, a smell, a scene, a touch,  this time it was a simple picture.  A simple picture of a water bed just  like the one with the satin sheets, with those brain bed rails made out of something else besides leather.  The mirror in the headboard I know this wasn't the bed but my heart begins to race and its like the scene of a fire in my head there is so much commotion and my brain is working on damage control thinking how we can un-see the seen.

BUT its impossible and the flashbacks start, the memories start spinning and I fall down the rabbit hole of everything that that bed was, and everything that it means and that was taken.  That bed  , oh my I hated that bed with every ounce of me.  I still get the chills, I get more than scared and can't believe that I came out of everything that happened.  I don't understand living through that hell, that hurt.  I keep looking to understand, to get a glimpse of something that I can't get my head around and its impossible.  There is no way to win. Those days that time absolutely broke my heart.  And there are pieces that are still broken that I fear there will be no way to ever get back.

I sit here trying to write and I can't even get the words out,I don't know what to say, or how to say it.  Evil happened in that bed that devastated parts of my little heart.  Things that broke me and made me something different things were taken that were mine to keep. I can't even see past this pain past the pictures past what was done.  I am not bigger than what was done; I feel so small and insignificant.  I didn't matter.   The heaviness in that is unimaginable.

I heart your heart 

Money

I have wanted write  this for a very long time and didn't have a clue where to start. And I am sure that I still don't have a clue but all the same I am writing. I wanted to write when I was finally able to get off food stamps and I just didn't.  I am sure that part of me was embarrassed, ashamed, sad, you name it I think I felt it all.  It was close to two years ago now and it feels like so long ago.  I am not sure that someone can understand going to the grocery store and your card being denied, or that panic sweat that oh my goodness do I have enough money.  Those have been very real and rough times.  I have started and erased this a hundred times and here I am . Not sure if I am just  brave or stupid or don't even care anymore. How you are treated when you have money and when you don't are two entirely different things . How you are viewed and treated oh you are treated so very different, if you don't have money .  Many times people assume that that you are lazy uneducated, just using the system and none of these things are the case.  They are sometimes I worked at a place before the kids and they all used the system and I was shocked because for people who truly need it , it makes things much more difficult. Sometimes things just happen.  No one can explain them, somethings just happen and people make choices and there are struggles to be had.  Some people fight and win others give up refuse to fight and fail.

Oh the moments when people make you feel so much less than all because of money.  Really I am the same person now that I was before; that I was before I had to have food stamps and now that I have my own home and don't have to use assistance anymore.  Its a strange world that so many don't understand, and even living it for years there were times even I didn't understand.  There were times that it broke my heart times when I saw the most disrespect for a human being.  Money has made me cry many many times.  Others have been rude and hurtful and people have said and done things that I will never forget.  I grew up not having any money and I am sure that there are pieces of that that will stay with me forever,  I just have to remember how far I have come , I have done it.

When you are invited to dinner and want to go more than anything but there just isn't enough money in the budget so you say that you are busy.

When the kids were a few days old and health and human services woman threw a pen at me across the table.  They wanted information about the father for child support I gave them his first name I didn't have any other information.  When you are raped , you don't have that kind of information to give them.  So she threw the pen at me and left the room.  That was before even I had acknowledged what happened I was still a slut at that point and she just reinforced it all.

When once in WIC I was asked if the kids were adopted....because of Mariska's Genetic condition do people everyday get asked that question ??  No they do not...and it was asked more than once

When I was talking to someone about wanting more and that things were rough, money was tight and they told me I should have kept my legs closed.  Again I was crushed they had no idea.

When you have to miss classes because you know that you just don't have enough Gas to get there

When friends ask you to take their kids to music lessons and you hesitate for the mere fact that you are on a schedule with gas and anything outside that schedule just might not leave you with enough

When we went to the crisis pregnancy center for Diapers, when the kids were babies and they give you a certain number for the week.  And they only gave us diapers for one baby and they said oh well...it was to bad , the basket that I got from them when they were first born that I cried, I cried the hard ugly cry.  I didn't want to be ungrateful. I sat there on my bed crying and I kept saying I don't want to be ungrateful I don't want to be ungrateful ....... but the clothes were old and stained, it was just awful and I wasn't going to put those things on my sweet babies.  And they made sure to put a bible in the basket and there was not one ounce of kindness .  I cried I didn't want to be ungrateful but oh it was so terrible, it literally broke my heart.  And when we needed a high chair and they said oh we have one but it has some black mold you just have to wipe it off......how is that ok for anyone ?? And I never went back.

When we were going to be moving and someone said well my couch is broken so you can have it I am throwing it away anyway....and get new furniture

When you are asked to bring things to a party and you try to choose the least expensive thing because its another week before food stamps

When you have that food stamp interview and for the hundredth time they ask you about child support and you tell them the same thing and the disgust in their voice is evident and it makes you cry

When you go to price match in Wal-mart and you just want those special cookies and they say sorry those aren't the ones and question every item, that you know you have gone over a million times in your head making sure you did get the right kind for this reason alone

When you have to go to Texas work force for JOB Training and they tell you that going to school doesn't count for anything but they will pay for vocational school

When you go to do grocery shopping and realize that your food stamp money isn't on the card and you have no clue what you are going to do ..and have to leave your groceries

When Thanksgiving comes around and you have no idea what you are going to do and a neighbor says oh I was going to give you a turkey I forgot while I was on my cruise

And then even worse times when you don't understand why the money isn't there and walk your cart out because the kids need food.

When you go to counseling and you cry and talk about being tired being a single mom and going to school and she says well you made your bed now you have to lie in it.

When you go to an organization for help and they want you to attend class, but you have children under 1 and they want you to put them in a random day care and you do some research and its under investigation for abuse

When people assume that you have little education because you are a single mother

Then there are also some amazing things that happen

Like finding that special toy for the kid and realizing that I left my wallet at home and the lady behind me says I know the feeling and don't worry about coming back and paid for my groceries and that cool toy,  I was more than grateful for that woman. I didn't have money for that toy but I was going to go without so that they would have it.  I think f this woman often and oh I hope she knew just how awesome that it was.

The Christmas that the kids were adopted by the colony library and the kids had the most amazing first Christmas.  That's is when they got their stocking holders that I still use today.  It reminds me of how very far that we have come

When you go out to eat with your favorites and think well I will pull it from somewhere because you need and want time with them and then they pick up the check for you

When you are moving to make things better for you and a woman says I know what its like being a single mom I will pay for movers

When it was a big deal that the kids got one of those cool drinks with the Dora or super hero head

When you walk out of the store with 37 cents left on food stamps and think wow that was close

When you can no longer afford your life saving counseling and they say I will see you next week

When some one says they have a scholarship for you that we just want them to play

When you are granted a Christmas wish and your wish was just new shoes

When you just want to finish that last semester of school and financial aide comes through

When a check from another state came in the mail by who I have no idea but it was from another state and saying that they wanted to help

When yet another year we were adopted by a family, and it was the most awesome thing ever

When a woman asked if the teachers from her school could help with Christmas and Vincent got his Nintendo DS and a guitar and everything perfect. Mariska got dolls and cases and everything and I got my Sand Dollar earrings that I wear all the time a reminder that they were so very kind and they even gave me a bag of things for their stockings.

It's just crazy now I have come so far, so many things have changed and those things have gotten me to where I am.  These things have molded and shaped me.  I still live pay check to paycheck and I have to budget there are times there is only cents left in the account.  And to be honest I like it that way, its better it makes things less complicated. I have my children my home a family that I love dearly.  There is still that panic at times that there won't be enough but there is always is.  Even as hard as things were when the kids were small they never went without.  And I never missed a single second of their lives and for that I am more than grateful.  There are times that we struggle but from where we have come I am sure that we are going to make it.

I heart your heart.

What a journey

Today she turns 20

Unbelievable crazy today the little girl that started it all turns twenty today !  She is not that little girl anymore, she is a young woman who lives hard and loves deeply.  She is attending school and doing all things that 20 year old's  are supossed to be doing.  Living life, traveling, having boyfriends, and celebrations and friends all great things and I am more than excited to see all those things for her.  And its crazy when I was her age, all those years ago I was pressing charges on my father to make sure that she got to have that normal life.  I am not sure she had that normal life but I am sure that it was better that my father wasn't a part of that.  There are still so very many things that I wish I could change for her; for me.  I wish that I was there more; able to support her more give her more love prove to her just how special that she is. I hope that she is able to see that before I even knew her I was going to do everything possible to make sure that she was safe and sound.  She is everything good pure and innocent and no one stood up for me when I was small I was going to fight for her to make sure that she was safe that she was taken care that she would never know my father the way that I did.  There are many things that I don't know about her many questions that I have to ask.  I hope that someday I will have that chance. When she is ready when I am ready when those cards fall into place.

I feel like there are so many things to say things to express things that I am not even sure that words can express.   This was the first picture that I ever saw of her and meant more than words can say.  I hope that someday we can talk and ask all of the things that are unspoken , experience all the things that we never got the chance to do.  I just want to walk on the ocean.  I want to know about her life how things went.  I want to know her thoughts her dreams.  I want to know that she understands how much I wanted to keep her safe. That my entire reason for doing what I did was for her to have a happy life.  To experience things that were taken away from Me before I even knew about the craziness of this life.

As she turns 20 I think of the song that I heard for her all those years ago that still are more than true.  I hope you Dance.  I hope you Dance Angela and enjoy every crazy second of this life .  

LeighAnn Womack "I hope you Dance" 

I heart your heart Angela always always . Much Love .

I heart your heart

When things get harder

You know the last few weeks have been harder than normal.  I am not sure why or how but they have.  I even asked a friend of mine, who I truly treasure what is up with this!!!!  I have been really ok for some time.....then BAM and she said that progress allows for other stuff to surface.  OH lucky me.  I truly wonder if there is an end to this healing process when there is just so much trauma.  I don't think that there is.  It's like running a marathon with no finish line,  and you run and run and exhaustion sets in and there has to come a time when you stop running turn around and say ok...here we go again.  Give me what you have.  This would be easier with a switch.  But there isn't one for trauma, for the things that have broken me; for the things I can't un-see; for the pictures that never stop ; and for my heart that feels broken.  I found a new counselor that is everything kind, and who I hope will not run the other way.  The beginning is always hard.  I like him, he is gentle and soft spoken ,  even when I say him last he said sometimes there are no words its just heavy.  Yes its just so heavy but once again its a heavy that I can not carry on my own. I am scared to death to get back into this.  But the need is there I don't feel , take that back I feel everything but nothing.  I worry all the time.  The nightmares are fast and furious.  I used to cry all the time and lately I can't even do that.  I think that a part of it is because other pieces are all falling into place.  I have a house, I have great kids, I have a job that I love.  And at the same time there is this sad that I can not explain.  I have started working on my art journals again hoping to find some of the feelings and emotions.

I miss people I miss connection I miss people that totally get me.  I don't even have a clue what is next what I need to do what I need to look at.  I feel like I have talked so much about some of this and yet it still hurts so very much.  I know that I would feel better if I could cry and right now I don't know whats going on I really don't.  So I am going to try to write more, journal more and figure this out.  Maye part of it is the depression , I know news flash one of my most hated words.  To even admit that, but its there its a part of my everyday and I have to keep fighting.  I don't want to live in sadness.  And I don't want to pretend that everything is ok and I am fine.  For many things I am great and for others I am not .  So lets look into those that are not, keep fighting and keep moving forward.  I know that I fear that I won't make it, that I will get stuck in the feelings in the past.  But if I look at track record and life hasn't killed me yet, I have survived every single thing that life has thrown at me.  I am further than I have ever ben.  It's not going to be easy, but its doable because I want more.

I heart your heart 

TADPOLES

I really haven't thought about this one in so very long. But then out of nowhere I did. That's how it always goes. I took my class outside to the little creek. Our final celebration for the end of school. We were picking up trash and watching the ducks ;the birds.  And there they were; those little black tadpoles. I got so excited and showed my kids and we talked about how they were little frogs.  The kids were excited to and asked lots of questions.  It was truly sweet.  There were millions of them.  As soon as the kids were on their own exploring my mind goes to when I was small. My thoughts automatically went to when I was little, and my little tadpoles that I was so happy about were crushed because I was told that next time I wouldn't fight.  This is one of those memories that has more emotion than I ever imagined.  That has hurt me more because it was more than me.  I wasn't the only one being hurt it was those little tadpoles that I could not save, that I felt were the most important things.  I could not save them.  And there were a few moments that I was overtaken by the memory the feeling the sadness and then I had the kids in my class.  There was no time to stop and think about the awful, I had my bright happy kids excited for our final celebration.  I am sure that I was more than suprised because really, I have cried and talked this to death.  Should I really be that affected by a creek full of tadpoles ??  Maybe I should not be affected but I was.  And it has bothered me since and I just just can't get it out of my mind.  haven't I cried and talked about this enough I don't even understand why this is even an issue anymore,

Maybe this time I am seeing it different,  seeing that I feel more for those tadpoles than what happened to me.  I feel worse that I could not save them then what Albert did to me in the van.  Everything is just so clear.  The red van, the creek, the trees,  those big black boots, his long legs and yes I would know his face but I don't really remember seeing him.  I vaguely remember the meanness the pleasure on his face but not specific details; I knew it was him,  I remember every little detail, but his face I don't really remember his face.  My heart hurts.  Its just so sad I can remember being so excited,  playing in that creek the weather was just perfect.  The sun was out those huge billowy clouds, the perfect breeze.  And all those perfect things there was also the awful unthinkable unimaginable.  The pain,  the bean bags  my shaky little legs, my body hurt , remembering my little hands, not having any nails to pick up those tadpoles, only crying because I couldn't pick them up fast enough and he stepped on them.  He stepped on them with those big black boots and bent down and told me that next time I wouldn't fight.  

And the tears rolling down my face as I tried to pick them up and put them back in the bucket,  my fingers just couldn't get them off the cement fast enough.  Those boots those crushing boots he stepped on them I couldn't save them, in my world that was one of the worst things ever worse even than the rape.  Maybe if I had just left them at the pond, if I just moves faster after he raped me.  So many things ran through my mind if I could have done something different to save them.  They mattered .  I was this innocent little kid playing in the park and he ruined it, he hurt me and killed my tadpoles.  How do I live with that.  How do I pretend that I am not broken because of that. How do I see a tadpole with out getting sad and without that whisper of I am so sorry in my head that I just couldn't save them.  It hurts.  It hurts so much even after all this time.  I just wanted to play, to be a little kid, to protect something, and I just could not do it.

How is it that I even went with him knowing the person that he was.  When he told me to put the bucket down and he took my hand to the van, why did I go, why didn't I go the other way.  There were other people there, his mother was there.  I mean I could have said something right ?? But I said nothing and I followed him to the back of the van.  Things get fuzzy, so surreal.  I see it like it was yesterday and still I question how did I survive that ?  How did I go on with life like nothing happened.  I mean that is what I always did but how did I do that, how did I handle it all ??  I don't remember crying I think I already knew better what difference did it make anyway; none I had already learned that people don't listen.  I was not going to waste my tears on him.  But oh my little body hurt.  I can remember thinking that there was no way I was going to be able to walk back to where I was playing.  I remember my legs shaking, and walking was difficult.  I can remember thinking why is this happening on such a beautiful day,  why,  why !!  

He was just sitting there at the picnic table, like nothing had happened I only wanted to check on those tadpoles make sure that they were ok.  They were my joy that day.  I was taking care of them, they made me happy.  It felt like it took me forever to make it back to them.  I went to get the bucket by the picnic table and go back to the creek. But he kicked it over and bent down next to me and said that next time I wouldn't fight.  Then the tears, as he started stepping all over them.  And that smirk he knew what he was doing.  Telling me not to fight I was 5 he was in his early 20's.  I knew better I don't remember fighting or resisting at all, I knew that would only make things worse.  So you just do what you are told.   And my fingers hurt I had no nails no nails at all and I couldn't pick them up fast enough.  He killed my tadpoles,  that is what bothered me that is what hurt my heart the most.

So all these years later here I am again feeling all that I did that day.  And the feeling that I have is all for the tadpoles, those little tiny almost baby frogs.  That is what I felt anything for.  Me I just had to go on it was done there was no way to make the pain go away make it any better that was my life.  But I was going to make a better life for those tadpoles.  I was going to save them only I couldn't.  And that is one of the parts that I need to change.  If I felt a fraction for little me as I did for those little animals, I think things would be very different.  Some where in my brain they never once deserves to be stepped on.  But for me, well I was gross and disgusting and I deserved the rape that day in the back of the van on the bean bags.  That sucks to say, that doesn't feel right,  but I don't know how to feel for her.  I can't make it better and neither can anyone else.  I can't go back I can't get that time I can't get back what was taken.  I can not change it make it any different and I would give so so much to make it different to be protected, to be safe. So where do I go from here ?  What happens next ?  Will I ever stop being so sad about this ? 

Toni Childs Dreamer 

I heart your heart . 

Just love me

The Woman Who Has Been To Hell And Back Is Not Easy To Love.

Many have tried. Most have failed.

The weak need not attempt, for it will take more strength than you even know you possess; more patience, more resilience, more tenacity, more resolve. It requires a relentless love, one that is determined and not easily defeated.

For the woman who has been to hell and back will push you away. She will test you in her desire to know what you are made of, whether you have what it takes to weather her storm. Because she is unpredictable—at times a hurricane, a force of nature that rides on the fury of her suffering; other times a gentle rain, calm, still and quiet.

When she is the gentle rain that falls in time to her silent tears, love her.

When she is the thunder and lightning and ferocious winds that wreak havoc, love her harder.

She is a contradiction, a pendulum that will forever swing between fear of suffocation and fear of abandonment, and even she will not know how to find the balance between the two. Because today, although she will never tell you, she will feel insecure. She will want you to stay close, to tuck her hair behind her ear and kiss her on her forehead and hold her in the strength of your arms. But tomorrow she will crave her independence, her space, her solitude.

For while you have slept, she has been awake, unable to slow her thoughts, watching clocks and chasing time, trying to make the broken pieces fit, to make sense of it all—of where and how she fits. She fights her demons and slays her dragons, afraid if she goes to sleep they will gain the upper hand, afraid if she goes to sleep she will no longer be in control. Tomorrow she will be tired, and your presence will smother her. She will need only herself.

When she reaches out to you, love her.

When she pushes you away, lover her harder.

New situations and places and people and experiences will make her anxious. She will be fiercely independent and long to overcome her fears, all the while as terrified as a small child alone in the big world. Sometimes she will need to be courageous, to prove to herself she has what it takes. Other times she will need you to take her hand and hold it firmly in yours. Sometimes she may not know what she needs, and you will need to read her like a book with worn pages and a tattered spine and be what she needs when she does not know herself.

When she is brave and steps into the world on her own, love her.

When she is scared, but refuses to take your hand, love her harder.

She will live in fear of not being enough and always being too much—an endless battle to find the middle ground. Ashamed if the scale falls one way or the other, ashamed to be herself for no one has ever loved her both when she is small and also when she is tremendous.

When she feels too much, love her.

When she feels not enough, love her harder.

Sometimes she won’t hurt and the light will shine from her eyes and her laughter will be a rare and precious melody. But sometimes she will hurt so much from the trauma still in her body; she will ache, she will feel pain and anguish. The light will grow dim and the music will fade.

When she is the light, love her.

When she is the darkness, love her harder.

She will always love you with caution, with one foot out the door. For she does not understand a love with no conditions, one that is powerful enough to withstand hard times. She cannot allow herself to fully trust in your love, and she will keep parts of her heart hidden—the parts that have been hurt the most, the parts she can’t risk being hurt again when she has worked so hard to stitch them together.

She will always watch, wait and expect you to leave first. And when you don’t, she has a truth written upon her heart that says you will—it’s only a matter of time, for everyone who loves her leaves her. And so she will seek to sabotage the relationship; she will seek to destroy it, she will seek to leave first, she will seek to hurt you before you can hurt her. This is how she stays in control, this is how she survives, how she will ensure she will not get hurt again.

When she wants to love you, love her.

When she wants to hurt you, love her harder.

Being out of control terrifies her. Don’t ever make her feel powerless, trapped or without her freedom. She needs to dance barefoot under enormous blue skies, to feel sand between her toes, to run with wolves as the wind weaves magic through her hair, for here is where her healing is found. Never clip her wings, for if she has the freedom to fly, she will always come back to you.

Love her when it’s easy, and love her harder when it’s not.

Love her in a way that will defy all she has ever known love to be.

Love her because you understand with every fiber of your soul the gift of her love, what it has cost her to offer you her fragile heart.

She does not need you. She has chosen you.

Because you have what it takes to survive the storm.

Because even when she doesn’t know how to love, you know how to love harder.

This is amazing this is something that someday I want to have.  Someday when I don't have to apoligize for the bad times and be extra joyful in the good times.  Someday I hope.  Someday please.

I still feel it in my bones

 

There are days like today that I literally fell all the things that happened to me in my bones.  It's like there is some kind of physical memory that comes with the nightmares and all the things that go with that.   Its hard because I know how very long ago that things were done.  But one single memory or bad dream or even a certain trigger and literally for my body its back in the moment and the dread, the fear, the wanting to disappear all comes to the surface faster than anyone even realizes.   It's often very scary.  I know as a grown adult that there is nothing hurting me that I am safe but my body goes into overload and I want to curl up in a ball.  Because it's hard to even understand the feelings , the pain the ache of what happens.  As a little girl there is no way to describe that,  because not only do we not understand but the pain at times is just too much for our little mind and we go away.  As an adult there is an understanding of where it comes from, and its terrifying that ;  that was reality!!!!  That there was no way for me to put what was even happening into words.  That is feeling it in your bones its that voiceless part that as a child there are no words.  And even now as an adult when I feel it in bones for a day or longer its that pain that I don't even know how to put words to it.  I think maybe because putting words to it makes it more real and because really in our heads I know just how crazy that this sounds.  I write and think hello Padded cell much !!!  Believe me it also feels that crazy.  And the pain is more than real.  I can remember going to the DR thinking that something was really wrong.  And he basically said that I needed to see a psychiatrist !!! Like I didn't feel crazy enough, I was more than upset and I know that I am not crazy.  I know the things that I feel and its hard, its more than hard and how does a person even get these things out of their head.  Well you don't really, you don't you keep breathing and hope that they go away.  And you get used to it.  It will all of the sudden hit you oh look, I don't feel it in my bones right now and I become very grateful for those moments.


When someone asks how was your day and you were having nightmares all night and literally feel like you got hit by a mack truck in mind, body and soul.  People don't understand that.  I want to be ok be better, be everything happy and joyful and fun but the things in my head the things in my bones just often don't allow for that or at least not fully.  Things are ever better , but there are days I want to curl up and be safe and sound have someone there to listen to lend me their shoulder and not say a word no empty promises , no its ok, none of that just sit and let me be and let me know that I am not all those awful things that have made me feel so awful.

Some days I just can't believe how awful that I still feel. And I just don't understand it.  Literally I feel like all those memories and feelings are in my bones and that no matter what I do.  There will always be those moments when all I can do is shut down and hope that the feelings and memories somehow just slowly fade away and that maybe next time they won't be so intense.  The nightmares they have been brutal he still takes my sleep and I wake up terrified and can't move.  I am a woman now and am just as scared of him in the nightmares than I was a little girl.  I think that when I started this process I thought the harder that I worked that the more these memories and feelings would go away.  But I have been working on this a long time and each time I just can't do it anymore the same feelings ,emotions and memories the same terror and fight just doesn't go away.  I wake up and feel like I am back in those same moments.  I know that if it was as easy as flipping as switch I would but everything just seems so complicated.  There are so many pieces so many loose ends so many things that are more than terrifying.

I mean tired is my life I get it, it may always be like that but lately its so much more than that.  Its a heart tired.  I just need some peace.  I need some ocean I need some relief.  Even writing lately fells like an accomplishment.  This is such a lonely place and I don't want to be alone but how do you invite someone to help when people leave.  There are so many feelings and some more than I can't even explain or put words to.  Lately I fell like I am missing out because things seem so heavy.  Sleep as well as everything is more than interrupted.  There is an exhaustion that I am done, I don't want to see the pictures in my head I don't want to have to run all the time.

Literally there is this 42 year old woman who loves her job and her family I have everything that I need.  There is no reason for me to complain I have a great house all the bills are paid I have good kids. Then there is this place where I am stuck as that little kid wanting someone to come in and save me.  Wanting someone to do something wanting someone to notice me and to see.  And its like I live life between these two places and that is not a fun place to be because so much effort has to go into the everyday life and in my head there are battles and wars going on that I have no resources to fight and ok a part of that is depression, but its more than frustrating I don't know how to get it out of my bones out of my mind out of my head.  I don't know how to do it.  I understand people not wanting to be around. its just I  wish someone would stay and help I wish that someone would stay and make me laugh remind me that I am not the awful, that I am not those things that I am even worth keeping around.  Its just more than rough lately and my heart is alone in this and it hurts.

 I heart You heart.