No, All SIN Is Not the Same

This has bothered me for a long time.  And I recently saw an article about Josh Duggar and I couldn't even get through it.  No, not all sin is the same.  I have heard people say sin is sin in the eyes of God.  And I honestly do not know where to go with that.  For me not all sin is the sin, not all sin destroys and tears at your soul. NOt all sin kills parts of you that you an never get back For me sin involving children is the worst kind.  I can not compare myself to Josh Duggar and think oh we are both sinners we are in the same boat.  WE ARE NOT.  When you make the choice to hurt a child to steal their innocence to take parts of them that they can never get back, that is  unforgivable. NO sin is not sin and it is not all the same.

I am going to have to live with the sin of others the things that were done to me the rest of my life.  There is no going back no getting back the things that I never even knew I was supposed to have...  So many thing in this life i never knew were my right just because I was a living breathing person.  As a little girl there were no rights for me, there was no father figure, there was no safety and no protection no one to keep me safe no one to hold me through the storms I was on my own.  And because of the way that I was brought up, no not all sin is the same.

They say things come when you least expect them

So summer school is now over, I missed the second anual trip to Cutty's in Colorado. I am looking forward to writing and reading, I am looking forward to working in my art journals, it feels like whats been forever.  I have been in this strange place, of exhaustion of not not feeling heard, of not knowing what is next.  And all of this as things have been better than they ever have.  I am sure that there are some things that I need to learn, like letting things go, like being in the moment, like it being ok to take care of myself.

I am a grateful person, the things that I have been given in this life, the things that I have been blessed with, Oh my goodness I never could have imagined,  and there are things that still bother my heart every single day.  People that have said they were there and then left, people that have said they loved me but lied,  people oh people are so very confusing.

One of those weeks

It seems this week that I couldn't win no matter how hard I tried. Monday First day of school, the kids started eighth grade.  My mom took them to their first day of school.  I was sad Tuesday was looming.  Went to counseling the guy made me more than Angry he basically was all over me about forgiveness and how its not about them but about me, and I said that was a place I was not willing to go there are some things that are unforgivable.  And then he went on to say well it sucks to be you !!  What the fuck!!!!  It sucks to be me, he has no clue how hard that I have worked how I have kept going and doing all the things I need to and kept healing and because I don't share his believe it sucks to be me....Well that's not OK not everyone believes that , that is not the right choice for everyone.  I was already sad about Tuesday and then him yea......thanks jackass....and so I left and went to hockey tryouts.  Not much sleep crazy nightmares and in comes Tuesday .  I didn't want it to affect me I didn't want to be bothered I didn't want to think bout it but I did. I just kept at my desk and worked and worked.  Michelle made me laugh and that was helpful, again not much sleep, Wednesday just ept trying to recover from the beginning of the week.  I kept thinking OK the rest of this week is going to be a breeze, easy I can do this.  Not so much the sad was huge,  I wanted to curl up in a ball, and we all know that isn't an option.  Thursday nothing big, well take that back fire rill with Kinder and one little guy decided to rub my boob and tell me I had big boobs, that was a shocked so couldn't believe it I stepped away and will keep a lot of space between the two of us.Then, then Friday. The icing on the cake we had to meet with specials teams about purple folders again the story was retold about the fire drill the day before and my boobs and one of them says well how did it feel to get felt up....the world stopped what in the world did she just say to me???  And she said it again and again and everyone laughed and my heart broke.  This was not a joke that as not funny.  Another blow for the week.  The tars started to come and I just stared at my papers in front of me.  Their laughter my expense.  Friday brought me to tears  So yes what a week, a very long first week. My heart , body and mind are anxious , will I find the right counselor will they see me when that tenth visit is up.  How will I handle this year....So many things and I want to crawl in a hole.  That was a week and a half and I survived but barely.  I heart your heart.

Sometimes its just so BIG

Sometimes its just so big and it truly hurts my heart.  Days when I feel all of the weight like I did so many years ago. I miss the people that listened that heard that believed in me. It seems that I do more missing than much of anything.  I feel like people are slipping away.  I honestly am not sure what to do with that. When you reach out and there is not even a response that they received it.  Do you keep reaching out so you stop.  I am grateful for Speak Your silence they are giving me 10 weeks of counseling its a start to get back to good again.  This sad needs some good.  I thought that I had found the right guy that was understanding and also made sure that I worked he challenged me.  I wanted it to work, I wanted it to be right, to be helpful.  But then last time I saw him.  He was saying how I can control everything.  And there are just some things that I don't control.  The nightmares, they happen sometimes they are ok sometimes they are brutal.  I can not control that.  The flashbacks,  I do not control that.  They come and are fast and furious I feel the terror the dread the need to flee and yet he said I control that .  So I was questioning that because I more than anything want to understand.  And he gave some long story about a client who started drinking again after so many years and he was like well it sucks to be him.  Then he starts with well where am I going with that ......and he said well not to be callous but "it sucks to be you"  What!!!!!!  I don't understand,  it sucks to be me, like I can flip a switch because its not that easy.  I left more confused than anything and my heart was hurt I am here to heal and to understand and to make those things better the last thing that I need to hear is it sucks to be me.  Believe me I know but its also great to be me because I fight because I won't let others treat me like crap anymore.  Because I have my life, my beautiful children, my amazing job, my house oh my goodness I never imagined so don't you dare say to me it sucks to be you.  Because I am fighting I am fighting with everything that I have and you Mr.Jeff Quan have no right to say that me.  NO right at all.  It makes me sad and this heart doesn't need anymore sadness.


I heart your heart

me them us

Its Sunday and Tuesday already feels heavy.  I get angry at myself because I don't understand.  I have the biggest blessings I have the two most awesome kids who are turning into amazing people what right do I have to have a heavy heart?  And that is the biggest struggle I would do it again to have them.  But the sadness for me is unbearable.  On this day I want things to stop I want the world to acknowledge the heaviness and celebrate in the joy.  There was ME, I just wanted to be normal.  I was blessed with them, who make life all worth it. And there is us, the family that we have that we are trying to conquer and understand the world one day at a time.

What a day.  of coarse I made it that is just what I do.  sometimes no words seem to fit.  I wanted the world to slow down today.  I want it not to be a big deal I was smiling doing all the things that I had to do but my insides were a mess of ratted tatted shards of sadness.



I keep telling myself its not going to be a big deal .

It's not. It's not

It's all about them.

ONLY

IT IS

IT IS.

I heart your heart. 

Linda's Fudge Cake

Today that is what made me sad.  And  it made everything stop for a minute and I remembered the first time that I had this single piece of cake . The memories the pictures, the feelings they all came flooding like  a hurricane   It was in DC I was with Valerie and Neil and I was a wreck I had just finished taping for the documentary. We went to the Cheese Cake factory when we were done, I was there but not really there.  My heart was heavy, there were so many things running around my head, and I sat and watched everyone one interacting around me but I felt like I was in a fish bowl, I was there but somewhere else. I was so far away yet sitting elbow to elbow

I found myself second guessing everything that I said did I say enough did I say to much did I even make a difference.  I wanted to crawl in their laps and just keep the feeling of being safe and being heard of people listening to me and my thoughts and feelings. I remember looking at the menu but not really being able to see,  I don't even remember what I ordered,  but I ordered a dessert and brought it with me back to the hotel.  A piece of Linda's fudge cake.

I carried my entire bag of journals and memories all through the mall to get there.  Everyone offered to help but this was my load to carry.  I wish that I was more present, I remember their kindness and I felt like I was believed and heard and seen and maybe that is why: I was feeling so much for once I wasn't pushing it away, the feelings were all there and fighting for my attention.

I had brought my cake home and put it in the fridge.  I laid down and didn't quite know what to do with myself.  I took the kids next door swimming.  We went back to the room.  I went on the patio and replayed it all in my head.  Mariska had fallen asleep and Vincent and I sat and ate some of the cake.  I am pretty sure that it was the first time that I had felt something fully in a very long time and I think that's why the taste, the experience those days there in DC meant so very much.  For the first time in so very long I was heard listened to and I experienced every emotion that I had my heart and that means more than anything ever. Al my feelings are right here in this cake.

The keepers

So there is this new series, I have been trying to make it through.  Trying to watch it and I seem to be stuck on episode 3 or 4.  Its rough really rough.  Talking about abuse in the church and how they , the church know of the abuse but pass the priest along say he has received  treatment and move him to another home.  It makes me sick to my stomach.  Ad oh how I struggle with God and religion things like this do not make it better.  I grew up in the church not once did any one from the church help me as a teen when so much was going on.  I was the black sheep I asked to many questions and  never did as I was told. .  Really it wasn't even a choice to keep silent anymore about my own abuse that was a choice that I didn't have to make anymore.  It was another person Calvin that made me tell because he didn't want to see me hurt anymore. There was no support no kindness no love no sorry no rage  nothing really and that still really bothers me.  And take it years later when I pressed charges and not one person in the church who grew up with my family knew what my father was capable of ever said a word to me, no once again they ignored me and there was great support for my father he was such a good guy, how he loved his family.  So many things, and it hurts my heart.  No one stood up for me in church and I was made to go through the motions.  And then the priest that I took my first communion with, came over for dinner before the kids were one and he made some comment that he didn't believe it anyway. He didn't believe that my father had abused me..... silence fell on my heart, how could he say such a thing,  not once did he ask me anything about it, not once did he ask me if I was ok , did he ask how I was there were no questions.  There was no concern for me, once again I was lying and just wanted attention.  That is devastating and I would think after all that time that the unbelief wouldn't bother you anymore but it does.  And his words bore a hole right through my soul and over time that anger gets worse and worse.  I was more than tired of being dismissed and so many people being on his side, and not believing me. I promise you don't go through the court system with a story just for attention. You don't talk to detectives and attorney's and dr's and tell them things that stole your childhood just for fun. , those are things that could kill any anyone.    That was a hell I would not wish on anyone.  So I sent him an email wanting answers wanting to know why he didn't believe me why he took my fathers side why didn't he reach out with any kind of support ?  I guess the email went to the secretary and we were going to meet.  I wanted to meet him face to face and see my pain see my tears and find out why??   Well we were scheduled to meet more than once and he always cancelled , then finally he said well why don't we just talk on the phone.  He didn't want to see me and face my hurt and questions.  I was so angry I didn't care I said fine so we connected on the phone.

And like so many in the keepers I understood the fear the pain the way that a person is changed by the things that happen to them.  I understood every word and being upset by how the treatment and its like we are the ones that have done something wrong.  I watched the keepers hoping that there was some kind of happy ending that Maskel would be found guilty and go to ail the rest of his days.  NO that didn't happen he died at the early age of 62.  He got to die and brought all of his secrets with him yea what a man of GOD right ?!?!  While the victims live on.  Maybe there was a part of me that was jealous,  not in the sense of being dead but the hurt not hurting anymore.  I am not even sure that anyone can understand that.  I hated that he had died I wanted him to live a long miserable life, and face the things that he had done.

I think watching this again just gave me more questions to ask why is it that survivors are ridiculed and questioned and asked the hard questions and on the other side, are the whispers about how terrible that the victims, survivors are ?  I do not understand that and makes me more than sad.  I DO NOT UNDERSTAND.  Not for one second.  Why am I the one that is questioned ?  There are parts of me that think I miss church sometimes,  but that deep hurt still screams and wonders why in the world I would ever put myself in that situation again ?? I truly believe that just isn't the place for me, there is to much hurt, to much pain and I just don't have it in me to put myself out there.

I am in a place that I can't even fully put into words and I won't try to explain it to someone who lives that life.  They deliver easy answers for things that are in no way easy.  There are no answers . yes I want to be heard more than anything.  But yea that huge word BUT.....there are so many things in my heart that fill in the lines after BUT .      

THAT SAYING

I found this saying today and I wanted to scream and jump up and down and tell the world don't you understand this is totally what it is like !!! Are you people hearing me this is it.  And with that brings more questions and still no answers.

I am happy there are so many good things that are going on, so many good things to look forward yet my soul is more than heavy for all the things that have happened in life and what a strange place that that is to live.  And people don't understand they assume that you are fine and when you aren't they don't get it because you were fine the day before.  Its such a viscous thing Trauma, one day things are good the memories aren't there, or they are there they are always there but they aren't banging on the door.  Then sometimes you wake up and its just there and I don't understand why or how it just is and I beat myself up, because of all the good things and because its so far in the past because its been s many years but still the heart aches and there are times just the mere act of breathing is all you can do in a day.  Often I wonder was it really that bad, I mean come on, I am here living and breathing but some days I wake up and hurts so very much my heart was literally broken, and I am not sure what to do.  People leave they do not stay and out of life I want that more than anything someone to call and say come on we are going out.  Get dressed lets go to a movie or someone to say hey wanna watch a movie. Someone to just ask hey was thinking about you are you doing OK ?  Or on an anniversary I want someone to acknowledge it let me talk about it and then make me laugh.  Hold me and let me cry, Just be there and stay no drama no judgments just let me be.  Be with me on those good days and on those days when all i can do is breathe and why can't I find a person like that ?  Why can't i have my very own person, its a longing that I fear will always be that way.  That somehow I am not one of those forever people.  I know that I have forever people but I want someone to be mine and I will be theirs. I want someone to share all my days with.

I have so stuck my neck out there even asked for people to be my mentor to be my person and I get shut down.  Or they say yes and pretend they would love to then nothing.  They just pretend that I never asked them to listen to my heart and I once again crawl back in my shell.  I can't ask anymore and be let down.  Be lied to and then nothing.  If I open my mouth and ask you to be there you have no idea what that took and for you to ignore that is more than painful.  I am way tired of people not showing up, and its just not ok.  People say fake it till you make it I can't fake it any more.  I won't anymore.

I was thinking about this again on my way home from training and I think is that really it I am this happy person and a sad soul but is that it, will it always be like that ?  I don't understand.  It's so much more than pulling yourself up by the boot straps slapping yourself in the face and telling you to stop complaining and get over it its so much more than that, more than I can even begin to understand, I think I am getting pieces of it.  I think my fear is that sad that I always talk about that heaviness that sad that is relentless and unending that will be a feeling forever.  And would it be better to just accept this heavy soul as part of the cards I was dealt and let it be ok ?  I know that I will never stop fighting but would it be ok to just accept this one small part of who I am ? I feel like I exhaust myself trying to fight this battle that just isn't beatable.  I know things got so terrible I started medicine and I can tell that it has made a difference I notice it the most with the kids.  I think that the medicine has also stolen some of my emotions .  The good things outweigh the others but still it bothers me.  There are really great days and then there are days I want some onto save me, someone to be there and tell me everything is going to be ok.  Seems to be a pattern lately . I need someone to stay.

So YEA that is where my heart is ,  and the fight continues and the sadness is ever present and the soul is heavy and I am happy, something isn't there, something gets lost in the heaviness

I heart your heart