10 7 5

So I heard this this morning and how telling that it is.  So I think that I am going to try. I mean really should it be so difficult, well yes I do believe that it is more difficult than it looks.

10 life defining moments .

7 choices that I have made

5 people that have made a huge impact on who I am.

I can't put it in one post that would be more of a book so I will split them up and lets see what happens.

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Defining Moments , OK so there are 11 that's OK right :)

1.  Praying at 5 to die, because you didn't want to wake up and endure another day.

2.  The night that I couldn't stop crying, and woke up my father.

3.  The night that I woke up and had to hold his cross.

4. The moment that I knew no one was going to help me , I was on my own

5.  Albert killed my tadpoles

6.  Pressing charges /Det Plemmons

7.   Testifying for Angela

8. Charles

9. My children

10. James holding my hand

11.  James coming for my graduation

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7 Choices that I have made

1. To continue with school

2.  To keep fighting , always

3. To prosecute Bob

4. To be a mom

5. To go to DC, participate in a documentary about going through the court system

6. Continue counseling

7. Allowing my mother back in my life

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5 most influential people

1. Bob

2. Albert

3. Det Plemmons / Sam

4. James

5. Valerie and Neil


So here is the short list , more to come.    My life how crazy unbelievable it has been.

I NEED constant fixing

Yea this I heard this and it was like a light bulb went off, I do I so do, I need constant fixing and I can not even tell you how hard that is to acknowledge to even write down.  I want to be OK, I want to not be affected, I want things to be just what they are and not remind me of other things.  I want to be some kind of normal, and I am not sure what that is but I know that I have a picture in my head of what it looks like.  It means not seeing the things of my past.  It means no more flashbacks.  It means not being scared all the time. It means that my past isn't always there.  Because each and every day it is ,  its in my head all the time no matter what I do.  I have really good awesome days, and there are hours when my past isn't an issue when it is not affecting my daily life but then BAM it hits me hard and I want to curl up in a ball. I want someone to cover me protect me and keep me safe, I am an adult woman and that is just something that doesn't work. I don't want to have those moments anymore.  I don't want to have to go to counseling the rest of my life,  I have found a few really good ones but then there have been others, that were not so kind.  Others that have hurt my heart and I pay the price, there have been those involved in church make comments about keeping my legs closed !!!!! EXCUSE me , you have no idea.  People that have said well i made my bed so lie in it, when I was talking about how tired that I was being a mom and trying to do everything. What !!!!!  So I need to find someone that is going to stay that won't leave me in this incredibly hard work, because I know for sure that I can not do it on my own.  I know for sure that I do not want to do this on my own but I also know the kind of person that it takes to stay. And there are a few and I am thinking I need to hold on to them with all that I have, because I am little unsteady and I need help .  I need to be carried sometimes be held, because I am not as strong as I often pretend to be, really.  I am just doing what I have to do,  Surviving.   So in this life of mine I need strong people that can understand that a lot has happened in this life , I have survived it all and that is kind of amazing so every now and then just hold on to me,  just hear,  just be with me.  Hold on to me, I need that so very much.  So I am not sure how to just accept the fact that I am going to need constant fixing, its more than sad. And how do I expect people to stay , I can't.  Because I was taking with someone who truly gets it she gets it all and we said how people have no idea, they have no clue and that is really hard in this life.  How does a person go through being mostly misunderstood, who and how do people like me connect with.  I know that not everyone is going to understand my journey,  or where I am coming from or where I have been, and even the smallest acceptance would make a difference.  But I am most often not accepted not valued not looked at as someone that matters whose feelings are important. Am I sometimes fragile yes, but there are so many things for me to share.  I have a feeling I am going to spend my life in this place people coming and going,  and honestly most just go so I have to hold on to those that have decided to stay.   For those I am truly grateful.

x ambassadors: Unsteady

If you choose to stay I am grateful. 

I heart your heart.

Friends Far and away

For some time this has been on m mind. And I look through face book and think yea, that is someone else's friend, oh yea that's her friend, that's his friend that is "THEIR" friend  and that is something pretty recent.  I look at some of the relationships or lack of and I think why and how come , people get busy, I get left and that is just the way that it goes. I wonder if it  goes that way because they were never really my friends to begin with they were other peoples friends ?!?   I have begun to delete some of them because I am not one to pretend,  I am me. Strange crazy passionate, heart broken me, always in repair!   At this point in my life I want my own friends, people that I can connect with, people that can see my passion and not look at me like I have 12 heads. People that see me. People that hear me.  I think all of this became so clear a few months ago when my favorites came to town.  There was a dinner for my favorite people, and I had decided it wasn't good for my heart to go,  not that I didn't want to see my favorites but that I didn't belong there those people were not my friends those people do not check in to see how I am or know what is happening in my life, they are other peoples friends.  And for too long I have believed that those other peoples friends were mine,  but really they were never mine.  Some of those people that I have called my friends were not they were actually other people's friends,  and I can not pretend when I am the one who has had my heart broken.

As an example when I moved out of mothers house, people showed up helped me moved they asked how I was they were more than helpful, they moved my furniture, they were there.  I believed that those people wanted the best for me that they were my friends.  When they would come to the house there was a cordial hello, but there was no connection to me, and I thought it a little strange but that was just the way that it was.  I never heard from them seeing how I was, people were not there for me,  many of those people I don't remember the last contact that we had.    As the time came to move into my own home a little over 2 years later, there was no help there was no connection there was nothing, just silence and I realized that those people were only there for someone else and not for me.  I was crushed but that is the way that it was, and I saw things a little clearer, no one called to see if I was ok, if there was anything that they could do because I was not their friend. I was alone, and out of the blue a guardian angel sent me a message and I was helped to get movers.  Because I mattered because, they knew what it was like moving as a single mom.  Such a blessing, that I will forever be more than grateful for.  I was thought of,  I was a thought, and I cried and cried I wasn't alone.

There are church people that I once  did bible study with  then I was forgotten, I didn't belong with those people they write bible studies and I question it all.  Not my people, I never fit there, I once thought that I did. People I once had coffee with I was forgotten, and I have reached out I did, I tried to keep the connection but a person can't keep a connection when they are the only one fighting.  It truly becomes exhausting, and not worth it.   I am not sure if there was ever a connection in the first place.  Of coarse I think there is something terribly wrong with me,  because I would ask, I literally spoke the words," is there something wrong with me ?"  Why am I so different ?  The answer was always the same no not at all everyone loves you, they talk about you and a smile comes to their face.  That is puzzling, if those things are true then why am I mostly alone in this world?

I know I have to face it, I don't do friends very well, childhood was spent as far away from people as possible they were hurtful and dangerous so for a second imagine that being your foundation. There was no childhood best friend,  no one to do school with , to share things.  Come on I spent lunch in high school hiding in the library,   So maybe I view friendships different,  I don't hang around just to have someone there, if I call you a friend I would jump in front of a barreling train for you, that is who I am.  I do not say that I love you lightly. I love with my entire heart, probably to a fault at times.  And at this point I am expecting the same thing from others.

Believe me I know that not everyone can be your friend, some personalities and people just are not meant to get along, I know that but I will not for the sake of saying I have friends pretend to be something that I am not.  I will never forget when one woman that I truly admire, who is a favorite said to me well not everyone can be your best friend, I heard that on repeat in my head! At the time it was like a knife through my heart, I was never asking for best friends I was asking not to be forgotten. Even today that moment has been stuck like gorilla glue in my mind.  I don't want others to have to pretend to be there.  Either be there or don't, but don't you dare pretend to be there, and be something that you are not.  DO NOT do that to someone like me who values friendship like family, like forever people.  I guess those people were just not meant for me.

Today there are true friendships in my life.  The people that I work with are amazing and I am crazy me and we support and really care for each other.  We sometimes get on each others nerves, but we laugh with one another and want to make sure that we are ok. We support each other and it all gets done. There are my favorites in Colorado that provide safety and protection and a listening ear anytime that I need it.  I am sure I receive more than I could ever give them,  its a back and forth and I am sure that they were one of the first true friends that I had in my adult life.  And the people that I met, while filming in DC, those people have a caring those people hold my heart,  they make sure that I am ok, they have an understanding that goes beyond any explanation.  I have known them a short time, but feel like they are soul people.  They may be far away but they are forever so close in my thoughts.  They fought for me, when I wasn't sure that I had any of my own fight left. I can even say that on Facebook I have found a few people that I have never even met that get me that understand that have the same kind of compassion for others that I have, that have survived the unimaginable that still love people and they have a love of life that only you can understand when death has been at your door.  I am sure to meet some of these people, I know they are there and everyday I send them good thought and I heart their heart in this crazy world that we live in! I even think I found people at the church I was going too, these were amazing people, true people I just feel l that right now they are on one side of the grand canyon and I am on the  other,  I long to be on the other side close to them, and am working on the ladder but its just not long enough yet.   I am struggling to get to the place where they are, to fit in and be a part and I just am not sure how I fit yet.

I think in all of this I am learning that I value people differently, I am not one that needs thousands, I need a few close that care, that understand .  Would I like more, absolutely,  I wish there was more constant in my everyday,  but I am working on that,  I usually don't have a clue what in the world I am doing,  but when I say that you are my friend oh I can not even tell you how I carry and worry about your heart.  Maybe the best friends come when things have been so bad and you were so alone and I know exactly what that feels like and I never want any of my friends to ever have to experience that feeling ever ever.  To my friends,  I can not even begin to tell you how grateful that I am for you and what you meant to my heart. How much that I love you.  There just are not any words yet in any language for you to understand .  I am more than grateful for each one of you, for commenting on my crazy posts, for just letting me know that you are there.  For reaching out to me because reaching out is not something I do well, I would never want to be a pest !!!  If you are my friend know how I heart your heart, with all that I am.

Enya : one by one 

Much love, So much LOVE I heart your heart. 

all that is unjust, WE are People , just people.

Oh my heart breaks for all the things that are happening in this world.  People blaming the police , people blaming men people blaming other people. People blaming black men people blaming white men.  There are thousands of articles of people giving their opinion wanting people to take sides, wanted people to choose between one or the other and my head just spins.  I can not get my head around violence around hatred around judging others because of the color of their skin because of who they love , so much judgement.  I watched the news the entire time that the shooting went on here in Dallas,  into the early morning hours until after the sun came up,  my heart was broken I feel the depth of what happened so deeply as I feel everything.   I may be nieve in this topic but these are just my experiences, of people, all people black people white people,  and even the police.  I don't see color I see people, and maybe thats a bad thing, I saw an article saying that you have to see a difference but me I don't and I never have. I see injustice, that is what I see.

I just want to be a person that loves for who you are, for how you treat others for your kindness.  I don't understand racism and hating someone for the color of their skin, I DO NOT UNDERSTAND! I have been raped by white men I have been raped by a black man , when its said and done I was raped my MEN.  They made those choices that will forever affect my life.  Some of the best people that I know are just that people. I have known police that were good and kind that were everything that an officer is supposed to be and I have also seen officers that mocked and laughed at me.  Again they were men, people that made decisions, decisons that have affects that I will never forget.  I refuse to take sides,   black or white,  I refuse to accept the injustices that are going on in the world today. I refuse to blame one person or the other and I wish there were more delicate words in my head to explain where I am coming from.  There are just so many thoughts.

And my children, they are part African american.  And I write that and its a knife,  not because they are half African american but because of the violence they were created in.  We have not yet had the conversations about their race, but I am sure in time it will come in time. Others have made comments to them "are you black ?  Are you Mexican ?  Are you mixed ?"  I remember having a garage sale when they were babies and someone saying, oh they are beautiful what are they mixed with ?  What are they mixed with , they are beautiful children , just two beautiful children in this world.

I see people I see their hearts and souls. I hope that is how my children will see things.  In high school my best friend who watched out for me who helped me who carried me when I could not stand on my own was black and  I saw him for him not for the color of his skin.  I just don't understand the hate, we are all people and life is too short to judge by color , orientation, race, size, weight, religion.  Just be people and love , love with your whole heart and only good things will come.  Again and again we come to something a friend said to me once during a life group, she said "You can't be everyone's best friend,"  I was drowning at the time and took those words to heart.  Believe me from some one with very few friends I understand that exactly.  I understand that not everyone can be your friend, I understand that some people ok myself is hard to love and be a friend and get to know, but I am a person and you don't have to be my friend but you must be kind. That phrase has stuck with me all these years later and it has a grip on me.  I have seen and experienced things I can never put words too,  I have seen and experienced great evil, but I love people with my whole heart and if I say that I love you that I am your friend I mean it with every fiber of who I am.  I am more than grateful for those that have stayed by side carried me when I needed and stepped back so I could do things on my own.  There were people, just people doing what  all any of us can us they were loving and being people as a whole.  A kind beating heart person, who saw me saw others as the same.  Sure there are different connections to different people thats the amazing thing about differences, and that what makes life worth living,  what makes this world around us amazing.    

I heart your heart.   

A sadness in the eyes

With the passing of Ellie Wiesel, and all that has accomplished and all that he has been through he still asks if he would be going to heaven ?  And I yell at the TV , Oh dear man of coarse you are going to heaven.  The things he has suffered, the joy he has had and yet the sadness was never far away. He had a kind soul, and the kindness of heart but he also had a sadness so deep in his soul that you could see it in his eyes.  I don't know if everyone can see it , or if just some.  Maybe some don't see the sadness.  I see it, I see it even in his smile. Even with the joy that he has in his life his wife his son his grandchildren,  even in the joy there is a sadness the things that can not un-see in his life, the atrocities that he experiences the death that he saw,  the sadness that we can read and imagine but really have no clue that kind of sadness, and that sadness, I saw in his eyes and each and every time that I watched him or read his books I could feel that sad.

And maybe I can see it in his eyes because I can so relate.  I do have Joy oh my goodness, there is so much joy in my children  in teaching in sitting in my own home knowing that I am providing for my children.  I am doing all of these things and I truly love life , things are better now than they have EVER EVER EVER been and yet there is a sadness and I want to understand that, and I just don't.  

Does it come from the things that I cant un-experience, that I can't get back what was taken, from the horror in my heart sometimes, from the people who push me to the side like I don't matter,  from the things that I can not un see.  From the terror that sometimes comes from nowhere ,  is that where the sadness lies ?  I wish that I knew that I could tell you.

Al through out my life I have set these goals to happiness,  once I finish school once I tell the kids once I get my dream job once I am in my own house, ONCE I have these things then that sadness will dissappear, thats is what I LONG for what I have more than hoped for!!! Was I lying to myself ?  None of those things have made this sad go away and its not the sad that I think anyone can fix its a sad that is so very deep, maybe its just one of those scars that never goes away.  Maybe I am just going to have to learn to take the joy and hold it tight and then those days when the sadness wins, maybe I can give myself that space and know that it won't last forever,  give myself  some time some kindness and know that the joy in my life is greater and soon I  will hold that again too ?

Such a struggle when I truly have so much Joy and there are things in my life that I wouldn't change for the world,  but that deep sadness, I would give away in a second.

I don't know, and this is the place I am in , I experience such joy but that deep sadness is always there.  What to do with that sad,  who to tell, who can walk with me, who can hold me up who can hold my hand and understand and at the same time see the joy and do life the good life with me,  Such a crazy place to be in and I wonder do others that have survived the unthinkable the unimaginable do they feel the same ?  Will it ever go away are we able to feel the great joy that we do because of the deep pain that we have felt ?  So many questions and I think that with so many questions in my life this one is getting bigger and bigger. So much suffering so much Joy, I am not asking for all the pain to be taken away that just isn't an option but oh please that deep sadness under it all, does that just come with the unthinkable ?

I can see this sadness sometimes in people sometimes its when they are talking about a particular thing I have seen it a few times in people who have such great compassion.  I see that sadness in a whales eyes, I can see it in some people through the joy.

I think I sometimes feel more than guilty because the sad is so deep and at the same time there is so much good things so many things I have accomplished and created! I feel guilty that sadness should not be there for me anymore, I can not change it make it go away and I just am not sure what to do with that.


Oh So Many Questions .  My poor heart. My poor friends. I am sorry.

Toni Childs : Dreamer 

I heart your heart.