A sadness in the eyes

With the passing of Ellie Wiesel, and all that has accomplished and all that he has been through he still asks if he would be going to heaven ?  And I yell at the TV , Oh dear man of coarse you are going to heaven.  The things he has suffered, the joy he has had and yet the sadness was never far away. He had a kind soul, and the kindness of heart but he also had a sadness so deep in his soul that you could see it in his eyes.  I don't know if everyone can see it , or if just some.  Maybe some don't see the sadness.  I see it, I see it even in his smile. Even with the joy that he has in his life his wife his son his grandchildren,  even in the joy there is a sadness the things that can not un-see in his life, the atrocities that he experiences the death that he saw,  the sadness that we can read and imagine but really have no clue that kind of sadness, and that sadness, I saw in his eyes and each and every time that I watched him or read his books I could feel that sad.

And maybe I can see it in his eyes because I can so relate.  I do have Joy oh my goodness, there is so much joy in my children  in teaching in sitting in my own home knowing that I am providing for my children.  I am doing all of these things and I truly love life , things are better now than they have EVER EVER EVER been and yet there is a sadness and I want to understand that, and I just don't.  

Does it come from the things that I cant un-experience, that I can't get back what was taken, from the horror in my heart sometimes, from the people who push me to the side like I don't matter,  from the things that I can not un see.  From the terror that sometimes comes from nowhere ,  is that where the sadness lies ?  I wish that I knew that I could tell you.

Al through out my life I have set these goals to happiness,  once I finish school once I tell the kids once I get my dream job once I am in my own house, ONCE I have these things then that sadness will dissappear, thats is what I LONG for what I have more than hoped for!!! Was I lying to myself ?  None of those things have made this sad go away and its not the sad that I think anyone can fix its a sad that is so very deep, maybe its just one of those scars that never goes away.  Maybe I am just going to have to learn to take the joy and hold it tight and then those days when the sadness wins, maybe I can give myself that space and know that it won't last forever,  give myself  some time some kindness and know that the joy in my life is greater and soon I  will hold that again too ?

Such a struggle when I truly have so much Joy and there are things in my life that I wouldn't change for the world,  but that deep sadness, I would give away in a second.

I don't know, and this is the place I am in , I experience such joy but that deep sadness is always there.  What to do with that sad,  who to tell, who can walk with me, who can hold me up who can hold my hand and understand and at the same time see the joy and do life the good life with me,  Such a crazy place to be in and I wonder do others that have survived the unthinkable the unimaginable do they feel the same ?  Will it ever go away are we able to feel the great joy that we do because of the deep pain that we have felt ?  So many questions and I think that with so many questions in my life this one is getting bigger and bigger. So much suffering so much Joy, I am not asking for all the pain to be taken away that just isn't an option but oh please that deep sadness under it all, does that just come with the unthinkable ?

I can see this sadness sometimes in people sometimes its when they are talking about a particular thing I have seen it a few times in people who have such great compassion.  I see that sadness in a whales eyes, I can see it in some people through the joy.

I think I sometimes feel more than guilty because the sad is so deep and at the same time there is so much good things so many things I have accomplished and created! I feel guilty that sadness should not be there for me anymore, I can not change it make it go away and I just am not sure what to do with that.


Oh So Many Questions .  My poor heart. My poor friends. I am sorry.

Toni Childs : Dreamer 

I heart your heart.