Wow there are just so many things that I want to say and so many things that I want to share. This past week was more than amazing and more than perfect. I walked across the stage, I got a kiss on the check , I got to be me. I laughed I cried , I even thought I might be in a dream, things were that perfect. I thought that I might be dreaming and wanted to be pinched. My heart was absolutely overflowing and I want to make sure and get it all down so I never ever forget this feelings. I was more than blessed, more than surprised and more than grateful. I was more than terrified and came closer than anyone knows to calling the whole thing off . Every bone in my body was telling me to run, but I didn't and this will be a weekend that I remember forever. A weekend that is the start of new chapters new beginnings and new friendships.
The weekend before was more than rough. Things came up that I was not expecting and kinda threw me off. I didn't feel good and kept trying to blow it off I kept telling myself that I was just nervous and overreacting. Sunday before graduation I stayed quiet, wasn't feeling quite right and just wanted everything to be over with. Well that night I got really sick. I was sick every hour all night long....It was more than awful, and I couldn't believe how sick I was. Monday I didn't even get up to take the kids to school, and I cancelled the sub job that I had. I was too sick to move. I stayed in bed ALL DAY LONG. My body hurt, I felt like I got hit by a mack truck and nothing was making me feel better. Monday After noon Vincent started to feel sick, So we started the week, with being sick and I think in some way I saw it as a sign that I wasn't supposed to walk, See I am sick, I just need to fade in and not make a big deal out of everything.
Wednesday came and I had an appointment to get my hair done by Bruno, like real color and everything. I was more than excited and couldn't believe it. Couldn't believe someone did that for me and I was super excited. Vincent went to school still not feeling so great, but he did it. Mariska was still good and I was keeping my fingers crossed that she didn't get what we had.
Thursday I had a sub job, that ended up being an all day job I was glad to be busy. I still wasn't eating, my heart was even more terrified, because Tomorrow was graduation. I was even thinking about writing an email and sending it to everyone saying that I didn't want to let to down, but that I just couldn't walk. I even had the letter half written, but I couldn't let all these people down that were so excited for me. As much as not walking made my heart smile I absolutely could not let all these people down that were so very excited for me. Thursday night Vincent still was not feeling well at all. He came home and went to sleep on my bed. He woke up around 5pm saying that he was in pain, his stomach hurt really bad. Then Mary Catrina's mom came in all the way from Alabama, so as she was coming in, We were leaving to go to the Emergency Room.
We left before 6 and made it to Children's, poor Vincent was so sick. His symptoms were pointing to Appendicitis, which would mean surgery. And again I am thinking OK, well no one can be mad if I don't walk, I mean if he has surgery I have to be there right ? They took x-rays, did a sonogram, took blood, they were doing every test imaginable. They started an IV. She said if none of these tests came back telling us anything then our next go to was a ct scan to tel us for sure. By about 1:30 his pain was subsiding a little and they said that he has the red flags of appendicitis, but that if the pain continued then come back to the ER so we were at home and in bed by 2:30 am. I was glad he was OK, but I have to admit surgery would have been a very legitimate reason NOT to have to walk. I was relived he was OK, and scared that my excuses were running out. I didn't sleep much that night. I sent his teachers an e-mail the kids were supposed to have their field trip and I was going to chaperon, that didn't happen either. So we stayed home chilled out. Tonight was the night .
May 9, 2014.
Yes today was the day and I was in a panic. There were no excuses, there were no more reasons for me not to walk. My heart was screaming, my stomach doing summer-saults, and my mind imagining lots of not good things. I wanted to run very fast and very far. SO I sent James a message asking if it was that big of a deal if I called off me walking. I wanted everyone to know how grateful I was but I just couldn't walk. This was not me, I wasn't sure that I could do it. I heard right back saying yes I could do this that my fear was much bigger and that once it was over I would be able to see that everything was OK. He asked me why , and mind you the entire time I am balling my eyes out. The kind of cry when you can't even breath, writing at my computer. You see I wanted James here more than anything, I still miss him terribly and if he was just here I knew that I could do this. He wrote me back again, and I knew I couldn't let people down, and there were so many things in my head so many things that I wanted to say, and more than a little frustrated I left my computer. I can't tell you what I did. I don't have a clue. I know that I made the kids lunch and a glass jar smashed on my toe, leaving a huge nasty gash and and again I wondered, am I supposed to walk ? I mean come on how am I supposed to wear shoes ? I was a mess people, a true mess! Then I checked, my phone and the messages from James came up and it said Bedford ?! Bedford like Bedford Texas ? Is he in Texas ? Did he drive all the way from Colorado ? I mean the Wiebe's said they wished they could come but the timing just wasn't right, I completely understood, but my heart NEVER stopped wishing. I got a little excited probably too excited, and I looked up Bedford, and who knew there is a Bedford in Colorado ! My heart sank, but there was a little hope, that's just my heart and that is what was going to make my heart make it through this ceremony. I cried more this day, worried about Vincent. At about 3, I started getting ready, fixing my hair, doing a little make-up. My children were not quite cooperating. I wanted them to get a shirt, I was panicking, I wanted to get ready get them ready, I was just more than a little stressed. Catrina stepped in and said this is much harder than it needs to be let me help them and she went and helped them get clothes. I was grateful, something I should have done earlier in the day, but just didn't. Time was moving fast, it was almost time to go ...time for me to walk. So I left a little after 4 , I had to be there at 6. I decided to go by way of 35, and good thing there was a huge accident going the back way. On my way there I got an amazing text, and I started to cry, I tried to write back but the tears didn't stop, I was more than grateful. A friend that I didn't even know I had, another teacher at heart. I made it there in plenty of time, got a perfect, parking spot. And I stood there waiting .....this was going to happen and I was terrified to put it mildly. None of us, the graduates really knew if we were in the right spot but we were all hoping. I think I was the fifth person there, just waiting...waiting. Finally 6 o'clock and we were allowed to go in. There was another ED major there about the same time. And her and I talked and that made time go by faster. We talked about out student teaching experiences and things we liked and things we weren't so sure of, I was grateful, it was perfect.
And it just so happened, that she was standing right beside me in line once we got inside, so I didn't feel all alone and that eased my heart just a little. I was absolutely soaking every second in. I saw people that I had spent the last year with and I saw people that I had seen around campus once or twice. Everything was so surreal. I was graduating. I was doing something that no one has done in my entire family. It was all hitting me and I was glad that I was there. For me it wasn't a big deal, only it really was. Being there was a big deal, being there was the end of a really long journey that had many bumps and curves and zigzags but I never gave up. School was one thing that I never once gave up on and my hard work had payed off, It was happening, it was really happening. I did good I wasn't crying until I say the post from my dear friend DJ with a picture saying that she was there and ready. Yep that was when I just couldn't stop crying. She was there for me and I didn't know that she was going to be there and the fact that she drove all that way for me was more than amazing and I think my heart grew. I was more than excited and I wanted to get out there and get this thing going.
And the procession started. We started then stopped in the hall, then started again, it was real. It was happening. and we walked into the stadium, the seats were filled. The excitement from everyone was awesome, the signs the flowers the balloons, it was all amazing. As soon as I cam in, I saw my mother and Brother. And in my head, as hurt as I have been I said he came , he came and I kept going. And we all found our seats, everyone looking around, trying to find their family. Glad I had my phone, so I eventually saw where everyone was sitting. But the phone was only working when it felt like it. I finally found Vincent and Mariska, and Mary with her big Orange hat ! It was perfect. I just kept watching them in the stands these are the people that love me, these are the people that have made my life amazing. And I would turn around soaking it in, seeing everything. And I turned around again, and I thought I saw James standing right there on the end of the isle. Oh my heart I can't even tell you.....And I thought OK Callahan calm down, you don't know that's him for sure. And I turned around and there was a part of me that knew. And the tears came, he came he really came. And I tried to text Catrina Is that James ? Is he here and silence oh sure, great time to be silent. And I kept looking back, did he really come all this way for me, no answer from Catrina. SO I tried James. I sent him a message just a simple James ? and of coarse message failed. Wonderful timing !!!! And then a reply from Catrina, "That would be crazy" I was busting, I knew it in my heart, I wanted to know for sure. Probably a good thing I didn't know for sure until later not sure I could have stayed in my seat. So it happened we walked across the stage, I shook his hand and I didn't go to fast I soaked in every single second. Every single second. And then on the way out, I saw him for sure helping, Mary down the stairs, and I saw him looking down and I don't know if he saw me, but I saw him and again my heart , oh my heart , I put my hand on my chest and it started, he came he really came. And its a moment that will forever be one of the most amazing I could ever have. James came he really came. He was here in Texas, he got to see me graduate.
So its crazy once its over, we are all trying to get to our families, there are people everywhere, and flowers and balloons and I just want to see my people. There wasn't much battery on my phone and I am texting trying to find everyone. Calls are coming and going messages are coming and going, and I am thinking of nothing and everything and am overwhelmed. I finally got the call from Catrina, and told her where I was, and I heard her say James that way, and the phone went dead. Again he came, was I dreaming I wanted this so much and and in this moment everything was perfect. I saw Catrina and Truman first, Vincent and Mariska and James. He was here, he came all the way from Colorado just for me. I gave him a hug and didn't want to let go. In my head all I kept saying was he came, he is here, he is really here. And I didn't want to let go. In that moment things could not have been any more perfect, anymore perfect in all the world.
I was so completely overwhelmed, I felt normal, I felt like a person, I felt so very loved and then I looked to my side and I saw DJ and Ellie and Sofia and I was overwhelmed, they brought beautiful white roses for me, and I felt more than amazing. I couldn't believe that she was there , that she was so excited for me.
It felt like I was dreaming, I just kept looking at the people around me, all that mattered was that single second. All the most important people were right there for me. For someone like me, that is a lot crazy, that is more than amazing and more than special. We waited and waited and finally found, my mom and brother, My mom had my favorite flowers. There was no drama, my heart was overflowing and my people were here. I took Catrina to her car and James came with me in my car. I am sure that I could have driven all night, I missed a few exits but we finally made it back to Catrina's I just couldn't believe he was still standing beside me, I couldn't believe that I had survived, graduation and walking across the stage. Pure Perfection in every sense of the word.
I was supposed to have an appointment that Saturday morning, but it was cancelled, which kinda worked out perfect. I cleaned up, I was still in a daze really, felt like i was walking on cloud nine, 24 hours of close to perfect does a person good. The party started at 4 and I was kicked out, around two. It was a time when you are breathing walking around in the world and I kept wondering do these people even have a clue what the last 24 hours have been like for me ? But all in a good way, in the best way, I could have ever imagined. A a strange feeling, A feeling that I could totally get used too.
We drove up to the door, and there was the most amazing "C" decorated just for me with flowers and whales, so very me and I couldn't believe it. I had no idea what I would be walking into. Everything was much more than perfect and so ME ! There were oceans and jelly fish and everything that makes my heart happy. And the cake oh the cake it was ocean and there was a whale on the top, it could not have been any more perfect. There was the most awesome party whale with a hat and blowing a horn, I mean there was so much thought and love in that room, I was more than overwhelmed. And the sea week and the little whales that were everywhere and the flowers oh my goodness there were flowers absolutely everywhere and it was more than beautiful. It was quiet and perfect, and everything screamed me. I stayed in my spot behind the couch most of the time but I was taking it all in. These people had come for me and I felt more than special and more than blessed. My people were all here in one room, and my heart was happy, happy happy.
I do have to say that it was a relief when people started leaving and my people were the only ones left, and I became more me and relaxed a little. The hockey game was on , my Bruins were playing and I was just watching everyone, again taking it all in. Margie and Catrina brought me in my room and I felt terrible we put a little plan together that made my heart even more happy. People were thinking about me and it was right, everything was just right. Margie asked if I would open her present, and I said sure; that I would open it in the living room. I don't have words for how perfect that it was. It was Catrina, Margie and RJ, Mary, and James. I open all my perfect cards and they all said the perfect things. Just those few people and it felt like the room was exploding, for me that was it, that was perfect, it was amazing it was just how it needed to be. I got to open my gifts and enjoy the company, we laughed and talked about teaching, I cried, and cried some more. I had those special moments that my heart lives for. I got a special kiss on my cheek that I had never gotten in my whole 39 years of life. It was kind and gentle, and more than meaningful, these are the things I have missed out on my entire life and they were all happening in this one very special evening. It felt like everything wrong in my life was for the night very far away and my heart was happier than it had ever been before. I opened gifts and hugged and cried and my night, my weekend was an amazing success and I will cherish the memories and all of the things that I got to experience with my people. I have people.
This is the most amazing close to this chapter, and the most wonderful beginning to a new one. I am not sure what is next, I am hoping and praying that the perfect job comes and quickly, I cant wait to have my own class, and get this next chapter going. The weekend that almost wasn't because I was scared to death ended up being one that I will never ever forget. I can not thank you all enough that came and celebrated with me and for me, I am grateful beyond any measure , I love you all and from the very bottom of my heart I love you and am grateful.
I HEART YOUR HEART
more than you could even begin to understand.
I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU.
