What we want right now

 

There are so many things and i am not sure that there are enough words to explain all the feelings that I have been having lately.  There is as always that intense sad,  but there has also been this kind of angry that I just have never experienced before.  I have been angry for others, for Angela.  I can get angry at all of the injustices in the world but me, I am something other than. No one ever did their fucking job to keep me safe, NO one stepped up for me, and trying to rebuild a life that you never had the chance to experience is exhausting.  I always feel like I am behind, like I am not as prepared for things as everyone else.  I see things so differently and I want better for myself.  I wanted better for thirteen year old Callahan that never had a chance to experience a good life and to thrive.  I am angry for her, that she was always fighting a loosing battle.  No matter how hard that she tried in life she was ignored, knocked down and blamed.  I am not sure about this place that I am in. So many good things, and yet such an unrest.  The memories are plenty, the feelings confusing and I want to crawl in a hole.  And yet I keep going, doing all that is required of me. I keep working a job that I am no longer passionate about.  I am in a place that feels exhausting.  I am doing all the right things I keep fighting, I have goals and dreams but this place right here right now makes me want to scream at the world.  I have fought for so long,  that is what  do and I would be bored if I wasn't fighting, but it's my time for some peace.  I long for a sense that all is well with my heart.  A day when the memories are far away, and I can find the joy in the day.  

I Need Some Anesthesia

I need some Anesthesia

You know what they use that for right ? So you don't feel

When they have to do surgery and the pain would be too intense without it

They give you Anesthesia so that you don't feel the pain 

I think sometimes it would be just as helpful when we talk about the 

things that have happened to us 

When we have to talk about the "IT" because its eating me alive

I think sometimes when things are so awful, it should be a choice

Because I need some, Some anesthesia, I need a lot

I need some, when I think about 13-year-old Callahan.

 talking about the girl that I was at 13, 

the girl that I wanted to be that never had the chance to be.

We are still so separate; her and I 

I know that I am her and she is me

I work so hard and still, such a separation

she is in hiding

Scared of the world.

scared of being hurt scared of the "it", that she faces all the time

  "IT" still has the power to destroy her

"IT" is still happening to her over and over and over and over

There are so many things that I wish for her.

I wish that she felt safe

I wish that she felt heard

I wish that she felt loved, like the unconditional no matter what kind

I wish that she could brush her teeth 

without it making her stomach turn with the memories

I wish that she could get clean in the shower

I wish that she could dance, and just be 

I wish that she felt worthy

I wish that she could find joy

I wish that she could laugh

the kind of laugh that you feel in your bones

I wish she could find a place to belong

that she would never ever have to question 

I wish she was loved, and felt it with all that she was

I wish that the memories would fade and she could stand up tall

I wish that all the shame that she feels would fade away forever

I wish all those things for her, and other things that I can't even imagine 

 I asked last week if it was even possible, for her to be totally free 

  I got a confident Yes. I wish that I was so sure. 

There are pieces of her, that I don't know will ever recover

There are pieces of her so shattered

There are pieces of her so hurt, that they will always need wound care

Right now that is a fact. 

That is her.  

Then there is me.  

I am scared of the world.

scared of being hurt, scared that the "it", that I face all the time

 still has the power to destroy me

There are so many things that I wish for myself.

I wish that I felt safe

I wish that I could brush my teeth 

without it making my stomach turn with the memories

I close my eyes and try to talk myself through it 

Some days it works but a lot of days it doesn't

I wish that I could get clean in the shower

I wish that I could dance, and just be without feeling guilty

I wish that I felt worthy just because I am breathing

I wish that I could find my joy

I wish that I could laugh, the kind of laugh that makes you feel 

like your walking on clouds

I wish I could find a place to belong

that I would never ever have to question

I wish I was loved, by a man who was able to hold my heart and be ever so gentle

I wish that I didn't see the bruises and marks when I think of her

I see her as that bruised and battered girl, after all these years you would think

that those marks faded, but they are there as vivid as when they happened

I wish that the memories would fade and I could stand up tall

I wish that my body didn't remember, 

the bruises at night, the bladder infections that aren't there

I wish I couldn't feel their hands or hear their words anymore

I wish all those things and more that I don't even know exist yet.   

I asked last week if it was even possible 

for her to be totally free. 

 I got a confident Yes. I wish that I was so sure. 

There are pieces of me, that I don't know will ever recover

There are pieces of me so hurt, that they will always need wound care

Right now that is a fact. 

That is her.  Then there is me.  

She is me and I am her.

I heart your heart. 

Miserable

 

I really don't have a clue what is wrong with me.  

I was walking in the kitchen and the only word that came to mind was.

MISERABLE

I feel terrible for that, that was the first word that came to my mind.

and it totally fit.  I cannot even begin to tell you why.

But its Miserable in all caps. 

I am a kind of sad that steals all sense of joy.

It's an anxious that makes me tear what little nails I have left. 

It's an anger at everything, and nothing.

There just isn't enough of me to go around.  

I love going to school, and you would think things are good.

So many things are all moving in the right direction.

yet, MISERABLE

It's been weeks now and I am spent, getting on my own nerves because there. 

is no rhyme or reason.  There is no reason for me to be feeling this way.

there is no reason for me to be so unhappy right now.

I cannot give you a single good answer. 

But I can tell you I want to curl up in a ball. 

I want everything to stop and go away.

I can't find joy; I can't find fun. 

I cannot find the me that smiles and pretends that everything is ok.

I can't find her, and I hate that more than the word Miserable.

Today I was snapping at Mariska when she does more to help than anyone.

I am frustrated with everything and anything.

I feel like I am not enough.

I feel like I am not doing anything right. 

I am so sad, so mad and so frustrated because. 

I can't give you any rhyme or reason why I am feeling this way.

my heart is heavy, my smile is gone.

it's a lonely, that I can't explain.

I hope this passes soon. I want to laugh and find my happy

I heart your heart.

Professional Survivor

 I heard this song by Glenn Phillips and listened to all of the words and they honestly kind of hit me really hard.  Here are the words :

Well it took five neighbors
To get him in the hall
And down the three flights of stairs
Out the building's door
I know that it's easy to say
That it couldn't be worse
But now she's in her apartment
Alone for the first time since the last jerk

And once you let them get to you
It never washes off
'Cause they can smell the weak ones
And just pick you off like a pigeon
And each one is worse than the last one
Until you're a professional victim

You get everything backwards
Learning how to survive
You treat the little wounds first
Let the big ones fester for life
You've done it enough
You would think that you know what you need
But it doesn't get any better
When you've got such an eye for a bad seed
A bad seed

And once you let them get to you
It never washes off
'Cause they can smell the weak ones
And just pick you off like a pigeon
And each one is worse than the last one
Until you're a professional victim

And if you take a look you can see the cracks
In the story told where the logic lacks
All the pretty girls and the stupid boys
Make the same mistakes until they've got no choice

And once you get the stink on you
It never washes off
'Cause they can smell the weak ones
And just pick you off like a pigeon
And each one is worse than the last one
Until you're a professional victim
You're a professional victim
You're a professional victim

It had me thinking, I believe there was a time when I could have said professional Victim.  I think it's a place that is easy to fall into.  I think for me more then me labeling myself, I was a professional victim. I never would have labeled myself that but was labeled by others.  So many things happened to me, that people often thought I was wallowing in what happened. People said that I wanted attention.  People thought a lot of things and there was a time that I took those things on and wore them like a cape. Well suck it up Callahan your acting like a victim wanting others to feel bad for you.  You are just looking for attention   All these people are saying things, so I guess that it must be true.  I have never liked the term victim really.  Because for me I took that to mean I was sitting around in an ugly mess saying oh poor me, and that is something that I never did.  

In listening to this song over and over again, I think that I am more of a professional Survivor really.  There was never any sitting around and wallowing for me, I was fighting.  I have fought my entire life for everything.  So, I think that for me, all I know how to do is survive.  And that can be really hard sometimes, because all you know how to do is fight. And you fight and you fight, and you fight until your shoulders are like rocks, and the tears don't come anymore.  You fight in your sleep and in the shower.  I fight all the things that happened to me all the time, I wouldn't call that a victim.  

Even today, I am still fighting the things that happened to me, finding more and more pieces, fitting the ones into place that I can.  Discarding other pieces and still looking for others.  I am always on a mission to figure out this heart of mine and heal and I have hope that as I continue to heal things will get better and better.  At the same time, I am well aware that there are pieces that I will forever struggle with.  There are some things that will never ever find a place to fit, but I have to believe that someday, there will be a forever happily ever after for me. I don't even know what that would look like, but it would mean less nightmares, less memories and happier.  So, I keep fighting for that. 

I heart your heart 

It's already a tree

 

Last Wednesday when Mark and I were talking, somehow suicide came up and how people are always so afraid to ask if you are thinking of suicide or have a plan. No one wants to plant that seed, many people think that if they mention even the word Suicide, a light bulb will come on and the person will become suicidal.  But the fact is that a lot of the time, nothing is being planted because by the time they say something; by the time that someone cares enough to ask that thought could already be a tree.  

I think of growing up and the times that I didn't want to live anymore.  I wanted someone anyone to ask what was going on with me. Not one person ever did. Not one person cared to ask about the things that happened to me. Not one person  When my arms were bruised and scratched not one person asked if I was ok.  When my wrists looked like hamburger meat, because of the flashbacks in the shower.  Not one person said a thing.  I think that in my head I came to the point, that I didn't care of people asked anymore, because I knew it wouldn't happen.  The summer that I went to Florida, I didn't want to come home. I had no idea how I was going to take my life, but I knew that I wouldn't be on that plane back to Texas.  I could not be hurt anymore; I could not hold it all in. I could not hold in the sadness that I did something terribly wrong to lose Bella. I could not afford to have my body bruised battered and tortured anymore.   I could not walk on eggshells in a family that never cared.  

My thoughts were already the tallest strongest oak, and I wanted nothing more than for someone to see me, and get me help. 

There were many years, around the time that I pressed charges that I would get behind huge 18 wheelers carrying huge loads of pipes and planks.  My only thoughts were just thinking if all those things just fell off, onto my car and it would all just be all over for me. I would think just let one pipe come loose and come flying through my windshield. Bam just like that, I wouldn't be alive anymore.  I honestly wasn't sad about that.  I was wishing for something to happen.  When I would make it home from Denton to plano in 30 minutes, there was a hope that something would happen, and I just wouldn't be alive anymore.  Those were my daily thoughts.  I had once tried to swallow pills after I was raped but got sick and couldn't keep the pills down.  There was the time that I couldn't swallow the pills and was so angry at myself that I felt like I couldn't even do that right.  

Today as hard as things get those thoughts are far away.  I understand exactly why I felt those things and feel terrible for the girl who survived so much hell. So please please please ask the hard questions because you never know just how big that the tree already is. You could be the one to make such a difference. No one knew just how big that tree was for me that Summer in Florida.  I am grateful for that pelican that showed up each and every day.  I am grateful to have found the whales, and a connection to something other than pain. 

I heart your heart and am grateful I am in a different place.  Standing on that Balcony in Florida, I could have never imagined where I would be today.  

The chanting

 It seems that lately things are getting more specific, more intense, more real if that's even possible.  The nightmares are more specific, the memories and thoughts are different.  Each one another piece of the puzzle.  The theme lately seems to be the chanting, the time when Don had called the other 4 and they cheered and gave each other high fives.  Even today I cannot be anywhere near where someone is chanting whether its children, or on TV it doesn't matter I can't be close.  I think that this is one of the things that I don't have many words for, that still feels like I can hear it to this day. I hear it in my sleep and when I am awake.  I hear it when I am happy, I hear it when I am sad.  Lately even little sounds, feel the chanting. 

I am not sure, that I could even help someone understand. Think of the movie the Accused when she was being assaulted and they all took turns cheering, clapping and laughing.  THAT.  The cheering, clapping and laughing went on as they all took their turns over and over and over. The worst moments of my life and they were proud of each other. I am not sure that is something that a person recovers from.  That is something that will always tear at my heart and soul. It feels like an open wound, wide open and raw. As I continue to heal I hope it won't always be like this.  But these days it is, and there are a lot of days, ok most days when curling up into a ball and shrinking away sounds better than being a being a productive adult.

I will keep breathing, I will keep healing, but the chanting is something that I feel in my bones and is more than terrifying. I don't understand why this is becoming such a big thing right now in this moment.  I still struggle with groups, and a group of 5 men is something that makes me feel frozen and throws me back to when I was 13.  I have this hole in me from the things that they did, that there is no repair for.  I hope that eventually, good things can grow there, maybe even flowers someday; but the hole in my being is a constant.  Things were taken and destroyed that no soul should ever experience. I can not tell you who said what because the 5 of them fade into each other with their words and actions.  I can tell you that each and every vile thing that they said was heard, and I took each one personally.  

I hear the chanting, their voices, how they talked to each other.  I struggle with putting the words and faces together, maybe that is a good thing.  So as the chanting becomes a focus of the nightmares, I will try any and everything to make it less horrible.  But maybe it's just the nature of the beast.  When a woman survives a gang rape, her life is changed, and I believe there are things that just are. When this happens there are just things that I have had to learn to live with no matter how much that I wish things were different.  

It is my hope that maybe if I can talk about it a little bit, that some of its power will be gone.  At least that is my hope. Right now, it's a struggle, things were just so violent, that I am at a loss.  At the very core of me, there is a kind of sad that just is.  I always know that it's there, and there are a lot of times that I ignore it, or at least try.  But lately ignoring it, seems pretty impossible. It feels like I have this open gaping wound all the time.

 I saw a saying the other day that fits perfect: 

Somedays everything is crying except my eyes.  

Yes that !! Sometimes the sad is so deep and so dark there just aren't any tears. 

I think that this is where the deepest sad comes from.  And I feel like that is where I am right now.

To someday flowers growing in the hole that they created. 

I heart your heart.  

 

First day of Grad school

 There are so many thoughts and feelings.  I have to admit that there were many moments that I had to wipe my tears because this is something that I have wanted for so long. So many of the things that he said were resonating and there is a realization that this is exactly where I am supposed to be. I am comfortable and know that I am in the right place. I am sitting here on a lunch break between my 2 classes. I am on the 20th floor looking out the window and I am kind of amazed that I am sitting here in this chair, at this point in my life.  I never imagined in a million years that I would ever actually get here. I never imagined in my lifetime that what I wanted to do so long ago would be something that I would actually get to do.  Today is a WooHoo amazing kind of wonderful moment.  

You have done it Callahan, through every single obstacle here you are.  That feels more than amazing. 

I am impressed with my professor.  He has been voted best counselor, that is a good thing.  He wants to have an impact; he wants us to be teachable.  In the first few minutes of class, he literally said "If I am replaceable, then it is wasted time" that is meaningful.  He is here to make us better counselors, to tell the stories and help us see the things that we need to see. That is the sign of an amazing professor.  He sees us, I think he see's things that we are not even noticing.  He is reading the room getting a feel for the class, for each student.  I think for today I am just in AWE of this place, to be back in school. 

There is fear of course, that I am going to do things wrong, make mistakes.  I am so afraid that there are things that I am going to miss and things that I won't know how to do. I am terrified of a lot of things really.  But I want this even more than I am terrified.  That is an insurmountable amount.

I loved how he talked about having to be careful about sharing stories.  He said as a counselor a I shared a story about getting married and having this most amazing honeymoon.  And I shared that with a client who wants nothing more than to have a loving relationship but is alone.  That story would cause them more pain, and as a counselor that is the last thing I would ever want to do.  That is something so very important. That, was a huge Aha moment that I am sure I will never forget. The first amazing piece of advice in grad school. 

I know that this is where I am supposed to be, I know that this is what I want to do.  I want to help people.  I want to be able to help people on their own journey.  I am just saying I think that I need to win the lottery so that I can finish grad school a little faster, ok a lot faster and do what I am passionate about and what I am being called for. This is what I am supposed to do, this gives me purpose.  This gives me a meaning that I have longed for; for so long. It's only Monday and I can't wait for my next class.   

I heart your heart.  I hope Callahan that when you forget just how far that you have come, remember this day.  This is huge, we have a long way to go but we can't forget how far that we have come either. 

I heart your heart and I look forward to 10 years from now when I look back and read this and think wow, you did it.  You really did it.  

 

Trauma Support Services

This just this.  This is the place that I want to be a part of, this is the place where I want to make a difference.  This is the place where I want to give my services once I graduate.  This is the place. When someone can write something like this about the things that they want to help people.  As a survivor these words are priceless.  As a provider this is a gift that I can give.  A light when all that is ahead is darkness.

 We provide people a pathway to healing for those we serve when they cannot see the road forward. We help them pack their bag when they do not know what to take on the journey.

What do you take on a trip? What is it that you can't imagine being without? We often put a great deal of planning and preparation into even a short weekend trip, much less a week or two. We all know how frustrating it can be when things do not go as planned.

What if you were dropped off alone in the middle of an unfamiliar road without any of your belongings or any way to communicate? It would seem like an insurmountable task to find your way? Where do I even start?

Our clients have experienced some of the worst life has to offer. They or a family member have been a victim of a crime and do not have the resources for support services. When they find us, they frequently cannot envision a productive, happy life ahead for them.

We come along to offer a ride, help them pack their bag with what they will need for the hard road ahead, and then we walk beside them as they learn to walk confidently again.

Our counseling and support services teach resilience when people cannot imagine what the rest of their life will be like.

We ask you to partner with us in paving the road to resiliency...

The Calvin that I knew

 

I think that this is one of the hardest things that I have ever had to write.  Calvin was someone that helped me more than any person in the whole wide world.  He loved me cared for me and made me feel like I was something special. He treated me like a lady, opening and closing doors.  He would go out of his way to check on me and make sure that I was ok. He was always there with a hug even when I didn't have words to tell him, how I was doing. Over the years I have looked for him.  I can remember a long time ago, sitting on my bed with a phone book, and I called every single one trying to find my Calvin the one that made my world a little more safe.  After calling who knows how men and leaving countless messages, there was silence.  He is never far from any thoughts. Every time that I talk about him, my heart grows a little more he was that important. When no one else cared Calvin did.  When no one else notice that I wasn't ok. Calvin did.   Without him I am not sure where I would be, or if I would even be here today. 

He meant the world, he was my entire world. I have one picture of us together, that was taken right before he went away to college. He was standing behind me,  his arms over my shoulders, I never felt more safe in the world. He was so tall, and I felt so safe.  He was wise beyond his years and treated me better and more respectfully than any of the adults that surrounded me that should have seen things and noticed.  No one noticed, just Calvin.  The next time that I saw him was when he came back from school on a break.  I can remember seeing him and we hugged and fell over on the couch.  I was overjoyed to see him, and he was excited to see me.  I don't remember our conversations, or what we said but I was the happiest I had been in a very long time being in the same room as him again. 

I met Calvin at youth group.  I was not old enough to be there and felt more than out of place.  I was the dorky middle school kid and was expected to hang out with all the cool high schoolers!  I was pretty devasted and had nothing at all in common with those people.  They couldn't understand me, and I couldn't understand them.  I was expected to somehow be a normal teenager when nothing in my life was ever normal. Somehow people thought it was a good idea, it wasn't.  The best thing to come out of that was meeting Calvin. 

It's so hard to explain all that he means and put actual words to all the feelings.  He was my whole world.  The only person that I felt cared at all about my heart.  I felt like he took me under his wing and cared when there was no reason to care. He was like the big brother that I never had. He would ask how I was and really want to know.  He was the one who noticed when something was wrong and so not ok.

I remeber him letting me wear his jacket.  Our church had some carnival thing.  It was cold outside, and he gave me his school jacket.  I never felt cool or special and that day I was on top of the world.  I felt a safety in that jacket.  Somehow wearing that jacket made the weight of my world disappear.  There was some other festival thing, that was next to the old Wal-mart and Brookshires was on the other end of the shopping center. He watched out for me, took time, to make sure I was ok.  Sometimes there were no words, I just needed to feel safe at least for a time. He would even take me to school in the morning, Griffen middle school.  Good ness such a long time ago. He would open and close the doors for me. He made me feel like I was worthy.  I was worthy of being cared for and loved.  I was important just because.  

One of the worst times in my life, I was 13'; I had been hurt.  I had been raped and I wasn't ok.  I was dying inside and no adult around me cared to even notice that I wasn't the same person.  Calvin did.  I can remember talking to him in my room, on the phone.  He just kept telling me that I could talk to him, that he knew something wasn't right. And I don't know what he asked, I finally told him that I was raped.  I remember him getting really angry, and I thought it was at me, but he was angry at what happened to me. That was such a shock to me, no one was ever sad or mad at anything that happened to me.  I remember seeing him the next morning and he just hugged me, held on to me and I left like I didn't have to carry it alone.  He was sorry at what happened to me. He was angry that I was hurt and I had never experienced that kind of care and concern. In so many ways he was like my guarding angel. He wanted me to tell.  I did not, I just told him it was fine, I was fine and would be ok.  He listened to me.  I was grateful.

School was hell, I was afraid all the time.  But there was always Calvin checking on me and for even a short time, a few minutes I felt like I mattered. A few weeks passed.  Don came back and brought friends.  I can tell you that I was a different person before and after that happened. Not a single soul noticed, I was different besides Calvin.  He stood up for me.  He said that he knew I didn't want to tell anyone or bring any attention, but it wasn't ok for me to be hurt like this.  He said that I had to tell.  That whole scenario is a different story, but the only person that was there for me, was Calvin.  The only person that cared about how I was, how my heart was; was Calvin.  I told the youth group leader, I got no warmth or kindness.  Calvin walked in, and I just threw my arms around him, and he held on to me.  I was worried about all the questions that people were going to have.  He was so kind, so reassuring.  He was the only comfort I got that night and for a long time after. He was the only person in the whole world who noticed that I was breaking inside, and he wanted to help make me better.  

When everyone left, when all the accusations and pointing occurred Calvin was always there by my side making sure that I was ok.  I would not have survived that time with out his kindness and support.  I would not be here today if it were not for him. 

I am going to try and reach out to him.  I do not know what the future holds if I will ever hear from him.  But I do know that he was my guardian angel and helped me survive the unimaginable he gave me more care than any adult in my life.  He gave me all the things that I didn't even know were options for me.  Calvin you were my light and my hero when my entire world was black.  You will always hold a special place in my heart, I will always be beyond grateful that you cared enough for a girl who was awkward and out of place.  You gave me a safe place where I felt worthy, that was is and will always be a gift.  

I heart your heart Calvin Small and I always will.