I Need Some Anesthesia

I need some Anesthesia

You know what they use that for right ? So you don't feel

When they have to do surgery and the pain would be too intense without it

They give you Anesthesia so that you don't feel the pain 

I think sometimes it would be just as helpful when we talk about the 

things that have happened to us 

When we have to talk about the "IT" because its eating me alive

I think sometimes when things are so awful, it should be a choice

Because I need some, Some anesthesia, I need a lot

I need some, when I think about 13-year-old Callahan.

 talking about the girl that I was at 13, 

the girl that I wanted to be that never had the chance to be.

We are still so separate; her and I 

I know that I am her and she is me

I work so hard and still, such a separation

she is in hiding

Scared of the world.

scared of being hurt scared of the "it", that she faces all the time

  "IT" still has the power to destroy her

"IT" is still happening to her over and over and over and over

There are so many things that I wish for her.

I wish that she felt safe

I wish that she felt heard

I wish that she felt loved, like the unconditional no matter what kind

I wish that she could brush her teeth 

without it making her stomach turn with the memories

I wish that she could get clean in the shower

I wish that she could dance, and just be 

I wish that she felt worthy

I wish that she could find joy

I wish that she could laugh

the kind of laugh that you feel in your bones

I wish she could find a place to belong

that she would never ever have to question 

I wish she was loved, and felt it with all that she was

I wish that the memories would fade and she could stand up tall

I wish that all the shame that she feels would fade away forever

I wish all those things for her, and other things that I can't even imagine 

 I asked last week if it was even possible, for her to be totally free 

  I got a confident Yes. I wish that I was so sure. 

There are pieces of her, that I don't know will ever recover

There are pieces of her so shattered

There are pieces of her so hurt, that they will always need wound care

Right now that is a fact. 

That is her.  

Then there is me.  

I am scared of the world.

scared of being hurt, scared that the "it", that I face all the time

 still has the power to destroy me

There are so many things that I wish for myself.

I wish that I felt safe

I wish that I could brush my teeth 

without it making my stomach turn with the memories

I close my eyes and try to talk myself through it 

Some days it works but a lot of days it doesn't

I wish that I could get clean in the shower

I wish that I could dance, and just be without feeling guilty

I wish that I felt worthy just because I am breathing

I wish that I could find my joy

I wish that I could laugh, the kind of laugh that makes you feel 

like your walking on clouds

I wish I could find a place to belong

that I would never ever have to question

I wish I was loved, by a man who was able to hold my heart and be ever so gentle

I wish that I didn't see the bruises and marks when I think of her

I see her as that bruised and battered girl, after all these years you would think

that those marks faded, but they are there as vivid as when they happened

I wish that the memories would fade and I could stand up tall

I wish that my body didn't remember, 

the bruises at night, the bladder infections that aren't there

I wish I couldn't feel their hands or hear their words anymore

I wish all those things and more that I don't even know exist yet.   

I asked last week if it was even possible 

for her to be totally free. 

 I got a confident Yes. I wish that I was so sure. 

There are pieces of me, that I don't know will ever recover

There are pieces of me so hurt, that they will always need wound care

Right now that is a fact. 

That is her.  Then there is me.  

She is me and I am her.

I heart your heart.