Crumbs

For much of my life I was given crumbs. I was given just enough to stay just enough to want to be a part, just that small sliver of hope that maybe I was going to be important enough for someone to see me worthy of more than a morsel.  Much of my time growing up was spent holding on to those tiny crumbs that were thrown at me wanting only to be loved and cared for.  Any time that I have gotten more than crumbs when people showed me true kindness it meant more than the world. During that time when my world was falling apart there were three people that cared enough to care for my heart.  They gave me their all to make sure that I was taken care of. They checked on me, the listened and they heard me.  Those three people were Calvin.  Oliver and a Dr. in the emergency room.  I didn't have any constant unconditional support; I was basically on my own for everything.  This is more than hard to write because how do you put words to something that meant everything. 

 First there was Calvin.  He was my one in a million.  He saw me, he listened to me. He was the one who was there and felt Bella move.  It was a moment that I will never forget.  He checked on me, he knew when I was ok and when I needed a hug.  He was a rock in everything that was scary, and unknown.  I believe he is one of the reasons that I am here today.  He never forgot me, he always made me feel like I was something special and important.  It was never a romantic relationship. He was a true friend to me and even when he had a girlfriend I was never forgotten.  He made me feel like I was seen in this world and had a place.  For someone like me who had known so much hurt, Calvin was a breath of fresh air and a friend that never let me down.  I had never known safety, and he showed that to me.  He is someone that I will forever and always cherish. 

The second person, I don't even have a name for.  When I talk about him, I call him the Dr from the emergency room.  Thats how i know him. and during that time, he is my only memory.  In a world full of things that I was too young to understand, he was the one that showed kindness. So many things about this time, being 13 and in a place that no 13-year-old should ever have to comprehend, he was there.  I could spend the rest of my life wishing that I knew his name, wishing I knew the hospital, but the fact is that I don't.  The thing I remember, is that he gently put his hand on my leg and said the words no woman wants to hear" I am sorry you have lost her" I was a mess, I am one who cries quietly and alone and there in that bed, there was nothing quiet about me. He stood there with his hand on my leg, and I begged him to tell me it wasn't true, I said no over and over.  I am not sure I had any kind of grip on reality, but I was going to be a mom and in seconds that was gone.   I had just been told the most devastating news, and completely alone in the world.  I didn't know how I was going to be a mom; I didn't know how I was going to make it work.    I was going to give this little girl all the love that was possible, I was going to love and care for her with my whole heart.  After a few moments I curled into a ball and the tears just wouldn't stop.  It is the worst kind of emptiness, that I have ever known.  So many pieces I can't understand. So many pieces that I will never understand.  But this man who knew nothing of me stood there in that place with me and was there in that moment.  I will forever and always be grateful to him.  If by some chance an ER doctor in Texas remembers a girl so scared, and so alone who lost her baby girl; I hope he remembers that moment and knows that he was a man who showed kindness, and compassion and presence to a girl who was all alone in the world.  In the moment he spoke those words, her world fell apart. But he was there and made a difference for her, and she will never ever forget him.  

I never got to be sad about losing my Bella.  It was never talked about.  Nothing was ever explained to me.  Nothing was ever spoken about my experience or what had happened to me.  Loosing a baby is something that takes time to heal that needs to be dealt with and yet I was expected to just move on.  Not a single person in my family, ever spoke to me about her, or what happened.  It was literally like she never existed, but each day I felt more like I was dying than I was living.  I wasn't even in high school yet.  No one asked if she had a name. I wasn't allowed to talk about my loss and the devastation that I felt.  No one held me close. no one even acknowledged my Bella, that I was not ok.  The expectation was more than clear I was worthless and a bother and should just keep moving forward.  So moving forward is what I did, that was the only thing I knew how to do. 

Finally, there was Oliver. About 3 years later while I was in Germany, I was able to talk about my Bella and all that she meant to me.  I think that when something happens to you when you are that young it steals a part of your life.  At 13 there is no way to comprehend the tragedy of such a thing. When this happens to a women it changes them, but I wasn't even close to being a woman.  I was just a girl who thought that this little baby and I were going to save the world together.  Those moments stole a part of me, that magicness of being pregnant and being a mom was taken away.  My innocence was long gone, but somehow Bella gave me a piece of hope and I was going to do everything to keep her safe and sound. It was finally with Oliver, that I was able to say her name and talk about her.  I can remember sitting in this little bar, the Crown in Darmstadt.  We sat there, candles on the table, the window open warm summer air, the curtains flowing in the breeze, and I got to talk about the daughter that I had lost, for the first time.  I cried and cried, I talked about all that she meant to me, and the plans that I had.  Oliver sat there listening and rubbing my back.  He kept saying that he was so sorry.  He was shocked, that no one cared, that no one talked with me and everything was ignored and pretended that nothing was different.  But I was very different, so different that nothing would be the same ever again.  He was shocked at other's reactions.  He found the behaviors of those that were supposed to take care of but didn't appalling.  For the first time I could remember, I was not the one that had done something wrong, I was not the one to be blamed.  He said that people should have taken care of me and he was sorry.  We sat there for the longest time.  And though that night could never bring her back I was able to say her name. I said her name over and over, and I cried for hours.  I was able to talk about my baby girl that meant the world to me.  She was literally everything, and someone cared and knew about her.  Sharing her, made me feel like I was invincible.  I felt strong, I was sad but I was able to say her name.  Later that Summer I was able to light a candle for her in the church in France.  I lit that candle and stood there for the longest time.  I lit a candle for my Bella. My girl, my love.  Not being able to share about someone you loved so much is a tragedy.  Once i got home, I had to go silent again.  People in my own home, people that surrounded me could not handle the truth of what I had been through and survived.  They chose to ignore a child with a child and make her the villain. 

While Calvin, that so gentle Dr and Oliver chose to do the hard thing.  They were with me in the worst moments and cared enough to stay.  In a time of being handed crumbs by so many they gave me everything.  They gave me hope back and gave me light that I had a baby girl and that I lost her little life.  They gave me the right to say her name and feel a warmth in my heart that only her name has.  My Bella, My so sweet Bella.  I will forever be your mom.  I think there are oceans of sad there and I hope little by little I can release; I can heal, and I can acknowledge my loss as it should have been so long ago. 

I heart your heart

Thanksgiving 2023

 

Today on Wednesday 11-22-2023, Thanksgiving Eve I feel like there has been a weight lifted.  I can't explain it or tell you why.  But I feel it in my bones.  I think writing about being done with my brother was huge,  asking for help with an ARD at work. I wrote a letter to Spunky, because I need to move forward. I am not willing and not going to leave her in a place of suffering.  I know that she is terrified so am I .  I am more afraid of leaving here there to suffer than I am of moving forward.  I got to meet Vincent's girlfriend.  I think there is still a lot to process, I just watched trying to take it all in, it's so foreign to me.  The entire process, dating holding hands, so many realizations, that so much was missed.  That is a place to heal someday, but I was there , Vincent invited me in to meet his girlfriend.  So young, but a door opened and I going to do everything necessary to make sure it stays open.  I think it's time to do things different, make some new traditions, and do what works for my family. Mariska and I are going to an early movie, then home to put dinner in then some Christmas decorating.  It's time to do things different and do what works for me.  Vincent is going to spend the first part of the day with his girlfriend then be home.  They are growing older and won't always be here.  I am going to take things as they come and try to enjoy. I guess as time moves on change is necessary and its time to do things that work for my family.  

Update :  

Vincent never went over his girlfriends, not sure why but after working overnight, he slept in.  Never heard from my brother the last nail is in the coffin.  It's hard to miss someone that brings such drama.   We got the turkey in late another dinner after 8 and then it wasn't cooked and put it back in.  We ran out of foil but someone managed to have a very tender moist turkey.  All in all not a bad day. Just trying to figure out what works best and going with the flow.  

I heart your heart

99.99% Sure it's done

 Tonight, I came to the realization it's just done.  The relationship with my brother is over. I have texted for over a year, and I can't do it anymore. I won't. I am no longer willing to send any more messages. I am so tired of checking to see if they have been read and wondering if I will get a response. An entire year, and I have gotten nothing. So, I am done. Anyone who knows me knows when I hit the I'm done stage, I am over it. So it is done. 

I hear a stained song and think of him. I hope he's ok, but I am not willing for this unhealthy relationship to weigh on me for another second. I am unwilling to keep my thoughts and feeling buried to make sure not to upset him. His feelings were what mattered, my entire life and I have looked the other way. A year of sending messages telling him I love him, hoping he is well. And I have not gotten a single response.  Our last interaction was on Thanksgiving last year. I asked if he was coming over for dinner, he said what time.  I asked what he was doing and said it was Thanksgiving he wasn't allowed to ignore me.  I gave him a few laugh emojis and said not sure turkey isn't in yet and asked what he was doing for the day? Then crickets and I haven't heard a thing in an entire year. Every month every special occasion I have sent messages and been ignored. I am no longer willing to do that. I will not put my heart out there for it to be ignored and mistreated another day. 

He has chosen over and over again to listen to others and make me everything other than what I am or who I stand for. It was 2 years ago on Thanksgiving he was in the hospital; I made a huge dinner and brought it all to the hospital so he could have company and dinner. It was uncomfortable, other people were there. Then Carly crawls into his hospital bed under the covers with him and they are playing footsie. Not appropriate at all and made me more than uncomfortable. We packed up and left. On the way out of the hospital the kids and I all said it was creepy she was in bed with him. We were all super uncomfortable, something wasn't right. We got home late then had to clean up the aftermath of Thanksgiving dinner.  Mom was already sick, and upstairs in her room. She asked how everything went, we said it was creepy and uncomfortable, Carly in the hospital bed and that she was going to stay the night. My mom was also shocked and couldn't believe it. She decides to call my brother, telling him how not ok it was that Carly had no right staying the night. I then get a call from him with a FUCK YOU every other word asking what the hell I said to my mom when I got home.....I was in shock. I started crying and told him first there was no reason for him to speak to me like that. I told him I came home talking about myself and how uncomfortable I was. It was about me and my feelings. He yelled some more and made excuses Carly was cold. Blah blah blah...he always had some kind of excuse for unacceptable behavior. Happy Thanksgiving to me. We hung up. I was crying that whole body cry not believing how the night had gone. Then, mom sticks her head over the railing upstairs and says she was sorry.  I had no words all of this was so blown up and unnecessary. All I did was talk about how I thought and felt, and I became the problem. 

It wasn't even a week later, that my mom passed away.  

For a time, Chris came over every Saturday.  For a short time, her passing brought us closer together, I am not sure that either of us realized the magnitude of damage she had done to our relationship. There were issues with the life insurance. Her card said that Chris and I were the beneficiaries.   She had only had her policy a few months.  There were so many red flags, but I never saw them.   Even when I called all the paperwork came in his name.  I was relieved one less thing I had to worry about, but something was off, and I couldn't figure it out.  One Saturday when he came over, he talked about my kids getting a little, like 100 dollars and that he was going to give some to Carly and Jaden. My children never saw a thing.  Not once was I mentioned.  Just things were off and felt uneasy. When July came his visits got less and less.  His entire household got Covid, and there was so much drama, he left laurel moved to this huge rental house in Princeton.  But he was staying with a friend he couldn't stand laurel.  Always drama drama. I needed to get my house back together so slowly I was cleaning up my mother's things making my house my home.  While in her room I found a letter from her life insurance company. My brother had become 100% beneficiary.  I cried the hardest cry.  It was never about the money, it was the fact that she hated me that much broke my heart. I texted my brother and no response after a day I called him and asked if he knew.  His lack of response the day before was a pretty clear answer. I was heartbroken that I meant so little to her. It also made a few of the things I experienced fall into place.  I think that was the beginning of the end.  I had been talking to my cousin who lost his mom a few days after my mom. About what I thought and what I was feeling.  He was also dealing with life insurance and selling the house and all those things that happen when someone passes away.  we just shared the things that happen when a family member passes away. He couldn't believe that my brother wasn't helping or giving me anything.  When he found out that my brother was 100 percent beneficiary, he thought something wasn't right.  He took it upon himself talk to my brother. Once he did that, the relationship between my brother and I was basically over.  I knew that Sam had talked to him. My brother was different.  He said, I am sorry you feel that way.  I told him I didn't feel any way, that it was Sam's opinion. I told him that money wasn't meant for me so there was no issue.  I don't care about the money; my problem was that she cared so little about me. I moved from my favorite place for her.  Once again telling someone my thoughts and feelings and they were used against me.  So, my brother instead of talking to me, let my cousin get between us and shut me out. That was right before Thanksgiving last year and basically the end.  

I guess I am in this spot, that feels crazy, but there is a piece of me that knows I did nothing wrong.  My entire life in this family I was treated unkindly when I shared my thoughts and feelings.  I was not treated kind most of the time and was expected to listen to everyone's thoughts and feelings and deny my own.  What a bind I was always in.  Not once when she passed away were my thoughts and feelings recognized or heard. My mother was always there in between the relationship between my brother and I.  He allowed others' opinions to get between us, there is a sad in that because I don't family.  I have no one.  Yet there is a peace because the drama that was brought to me and my children was huge. There were things my brother was unable to do; Like have an adult relationship. He brought Carly into every conversation and there were times when I shared about different things were not kept private.  There are still pieces that I am trying to unravel.  Boundaries were always crossed, and I am just not in the same place.  There were things that were not right, there were things that always weighed heavy on me, that he could never understand or wanted to understand.  I am grateful to no longer have to deal with the drama. And sad that I don't have family.  So much unhealthy there, 

I am no longer going to keep sending messages.  I am no longer reaching out for a relationship that I am not sure that I want.  I am going to keep moving forward, doing all the things that I love and I hope he takes care of himself, but I am not willing to change who I am or the things I believe in to be trampled on. Life is so strange. Nothing was ever enough.  He complained about things in my home with every visit.  The heat, the AC, the water pressure, there was always something.  I was so tired of hearing about how much money that he made yet his truck was repossessed, and he had no vehicle. I was always less than, even with a degree, and a house and 2 amazing kids.  I am so sad and in the best place I have been in a long time.  Things are changing, I am growing, and I wish him the same.  

I heart your heart. 

Always the inbetween

 So I have been crying all afternoon and the tears just won't stop, and its after 9. I literally can't get them to stop. I shouldn't have given Mark a hug when I left this afternoon, because I didn't want to let go and then I just stood there and the tears came like a flood. They came hard and fast and I can tell you that is the most alone place in the world. When there is that much sadness and pain inside and there is no soft place to go.  That is the worst feeling and now I can't shake it.  I feel like I am stuck between two places in every area of my life and I hate it.  

I have one foot in the door at school, and the other so out.  I am stuck between the past and the present.  I am healing moving forward yet can't leave spunky.  My children are young adults and stuck in-between being a kid and an adult.  I am stuck in all three places and belonging nowhere.  Again a terrible place to be.  I don't feel like i even know which direction is up anymore.  

I pretend happiness

 

I wake up every day and I pretend.  

I pretend that I am happy that I love my job.

I am finding that I am pretending more and more. 

And I hate pretending

More and more ok it's been months now. 

I think that they have a name for that but of course, we don't want to claim it 

I pretend happiness.  I say hello ask how everyone is doing , I smile as we pass 

What they don't know as they pass is the smile fades until the next unsuspecting person passes

and that smile somehow reappears

I don't want to smile I don't even want to wake up 

I pretend happiness, I pretend to be ok I pretend all day every day 

I keep telling myself it's going to pass, yes these feelings are going to pass

Maybe for an hour or two they are gone 

With the vengeance of a hurricane, they are back creating such havoc on my heart

I worry all the time, if I am doing things right, if I am screwing up yet something else

Nothing I do is enough and the fear of failing is 1 million on a scale to 10

Imagine for a second feeling like you are 1 million on that kind of scale no wonder I want to hide

 in a hole

The no nails that I have left are now almost nonexistent, they are sore and look ugly

Sometimes I eat sometimes I don't , Sometimes I eat and eat wanting to feel different

Wanting to feel anything other than this empty piece

I cry more than I would ever like to admit  

I cry in the morning and at work

I cry on my way home and often cry myself to sleep, kind of amazing I am not dehydrated yet 

I am trying to put on a brave face for work, I also feel like I am failing at that 

So I keep pretending happiness, pretending that all is well with the world 

When it really feels like everything is falling apart at the seams and I am not equipped 

to keep it all together anymore, but I do because that is all I know

I used to keep things together so well, I could pretend for a million life times 

And I was ok living in that happy pretend world

I can't seem to do that anymore; I feel like things are falling to pieces

Because I just can't pretend.  It's not who I am and I feel fake 

I have always wondered when that time was going to come when things weren't ok 

When things were too much to pretend, and I feel like I have hit that spot.  

Once upon a time I could pretend happiness 

Once upon a time ......But I don't want to pretend anymore

I just truly want to be

Happy

I heart your heart

Never been worse Never been Better

  One of my favorite artists is Ben Abraham and his new song was just released, and I am totally in love !   This could not be more fitting for me right now.  Never been worse and never been better.  

I know that I have been speaking about the in-between right now.  Where I am is a very hard place and the world keeps going. One foot trying to save Spunky, and the other trying to accomplish my dreams. It's that time of year for friends and family and I have a few friends, but they have their own families so it's different.  I don't have a place for the holidays, and I am going to do everything I can, to try and make this special time of year amazing for the kids and I.  Every day is a struggle right now.  I dread going to work.  I hate when the alarm goes off and I hit snooze until I think I am going to be late if I don't get out of bed.  Saturdays are my favorite days.My grad classes are all day and I feel like I am doing something and moving in the right direction.  I feel alive and like there is a purpose for me. I know that this feeling won't last, I know that things will get better they always do but right now in the in-between, I am going to try and take things step by step. I have Never been better and Never been worse.  

"Never Been Better"

Things are amazing
I'm making music I love
It's the life I wanted but my self esteem's been rough
It's kinda crazy
I'm trying to work out the game
To sing the truth of my life
And monetizing my pain

Look mum, I'm living in LA
You know it's sunny every day
And you asked me how I'm doing?

Well, I've never been worse
But I've never been better
And I'm in love with the person that I'm becoming but I'm more insecure than ever
And the more I learn the less I know but it's alright
Two different things can both be true at the same time
And I've never been worse
But I've never been better

I called my sister
It's been a while since we talked
But she's doing so much better now that she's divorced
Isn't it crazy
That life can be such a mess
But disaster has a way of bringing out your best

I told her you should see LA
It started raining here today
And when I asked her how she's doing

She said I've never been worse
But I've never been better
And I'm in love with the person that I'm becoming but I'm more insecure than ever
And the more I learn the less I know but it's alright
Two different things can both be true at the same time
And I've never been worse
But I've never been better

Don't you worry
Everybody's crazy
You're doing amazing
Everything is terrible

Well, I've never been worse

Good Enough

 I don't know what to say, I feel like I am not enough a good amount of time probably 95% of the time if not more.  I struggle feeling that I am good enough, that I am somehow unworthy of breathing the same air as you. I watch you thinking how you do that.  How are you so confident and make so little mistakes.  How do you notice the little things and make them big things. A dash instead of a slash in a date, does it really matter? Something so insignificant, I struggle to understand.  I am always making mistakes, doing things wrong.   I miss little details, because my mind is spinning.  The thing is I am so afraid of doing things wrong, I end up making even more mistakes.  I questions everything I do, I check and double check to the point that I question everything I do.  I am so anxious about doing things wrong, that I make stupid mistakes. I have been teaching 10 years and feel like none of that means anything.  Dismissed at every corner.  So, I will just try to blend. Focus on where I want to go, and the things I want to do and be the person I want to be. 

But in School I excel.  In school right now those things make sense to me.  The things I am learning, the things I am thinking about are real true things that matter, and I am doing things right.  I got a paper back from my theory class. It brought tears to my eyes really. 

100% Amazing Paper!

What who me amazing paper! Does he know what amazing means? I want to question well what does amazing mean to you? I want to make sure that our definitions of amazing match. Like can I really be proud of myself. For me Amazing is what whales are and a baby laughing seeing Vincent smile and Mariska excited for her last purchase those are things that are amazing, and you are saying my paper the one that I wrote is AMAZING! It brought tears to my eyes because I have never been amazing, I have never been something extraordinary. In my classes I feel alive and there are so many things that I already know and understand. School is my happy place, I fit there and it's a feeling I don't have often. In-betweens are rough. And I am in the between in so many areas. One foot in the door one foot out. Moving on and holding on. So much in-between. I just want to be good; I want to be enough I want to feel like I am worthy just because of who I am in this exact moment. I want to know that I am where I am wanted and needed and doing a good job.

A wobbly unsteady mess

 I am not sure that I am going to be able to explain this, but I am going to try.  I am a fish out of water right now, in a place where I am looking forward but there is a part of me that is in the past. I am trying to save a part of myself that is beyond exhausted, and incredibly alone.  I am headed in the right direction, I am doing all the right things and yet there is a piece of me that is in a place that holds terror, and unimaginable shame. I am on this bridge alone with the slightest thought, memory or feeling of unworthiness sends me into a back slide. Tiny things are bringing tears and the feeling of being overwhelmed is mostly constant. I am heading to the light but often surrounded in darkness. I am not sure that a person can understand that. I get knocked down over and over and over and always get back up and keep going. I fear that there will come a time when I just won't get back up. You know that moving creepy wall in the Devil's Advocate, that wall that seems to come to life at times, that is what my past is like.  No rhyme or reason, there are moments that parts of my past just come to life just like that wall. I am left in the moment, unable to function.  The anxiety fills every cell and I feel useless, like a burden like a bother because the last thing I want to be is alone.  Alone is the thing that I am the most. I am fighting so hard, in a world that has not been kind.  I feel like it's her time to be able to breathe. It's her time to feel worthy and special. She deserves, love, kindness and understanding. A soft place to lay her head, some real rest. I want to give that to her, more than anything. I am trying even on this unsteady bridge every day.   I fear being knocked off and falling into a blackness that I will never recover from. That is the in-between place that I live in. 

On any given day at any time that hopeless feeling creeps in and I feel so insignificant. I can promise that I won't give up, but I will tell you there are days I want to. I want to give up more than my own need to breathe. 

I need a bridge like this.  A bridge that lets things come and they can flow under the bridge and keep moving further and further away, no longer having the power to knock me off my feet. 

I am working hard picking apart the things that I tell myself and the things that I believe and that tears at my heart. I am trying to hear something different then all the things I was taught at 13. I am trying to build a better bridge and it just isn't happening as quickly as I would like.  I want to move forward; I want to find my joy and it's a struggle. A few weeks ago, I could not stop the tears, and I know that eventually they will stop.  But I needed comfort, I needed not to be alone in that sad. I know that I am working on building this strong bridge, I am doing all the right things.  I am going to grad school, and I am grateful that is truly my happy place. I feel alive and that what I am doing matters. But I am in-between two worlds. Grad school and doing the things that I have wanted to for so long. And healing a part of me that is bruised, battered and scared of the world.  I am in the light moving in the right direction and have this piece that is terrified to move on.  So we keep building, each week I write, I cry and hope that someday soon she will take my hand and we burn the bridge to the ground. 

I heart your heart.