I pretend happiness

 

I wake up every day and I pretend.  

I pretend that I am happy that I love my job.

I am finding that I am pretending more and more. 

And I hate pretending

More and more ok it's been months now. 

I think that they have a name for that but of course, we don't want to claim it 

I pretend happiness.  I say hello ask how everyone is doing , I smile as we pass 

What they don't know as they pass is the smile fades until the next unsuspecting person passes

and that smile somehow reappears

I don't want to smile I don't even want to wake up 

I pretend happiness, I pretend to be ok I pretend all day every day 

I keep telling myself it's going to pass, yes these feelings are going to pass

Maybe for an hour or two they are gone 

With the vengeance of a hurricane, they are back creating such havoc on my heart

I worry all the time, if I am doing things right, if I am screwing up yet something else

Nothing I do is enough and the fear of failing is 1 million on a scale to 10

Imagine for a second feeling like you are 1 million on that kind of scale no wonder I want to hide

 in a hole

The no nails that I have left are now almost nonexistent, they are sore and look ugly

Sometimes I eat sometimes I don't , Sometimes I eat and eat wanting to feel different

Wanting to feel anything other than this empty piece

I cry more than I would ever like to admit  

I cry in the morning and at work

I cry on my way home and often cry myself to sleep, kind of amazing I am not dehydrated yet 

I am trying to put on a brave face for work, I also feel like I am failing at that 

So I keep pretending happiness, pretending that all is well with the world 

When it really feels like everything is falling apart at the seams and I am not equipped 

to keep it all together anymore, but I do because that is all I know

I used to keep things together so well, I could pretend for a million life times 

And I was ok living in that happy pretend world

I can't seem to do that anymore; I feel like things are falling to pieces

Because I just can't pretend.  It's not who I am and I feel fake 

I have always wondered when that time was going to come when things weren't ok 

When things were too much to pretend, and I feel like I have hit that spot.  

Once upon a time I could pretend happiness 

Once upon a time ......But I don't want to pretend anymore

I just truly want to be

Happy

I heart your heart