The Journey Mid 2014

 

This journey that I am is long and hard and confusing and scary and even sometimes treacherous. I have never asked for anything on a silver platter, I do not want things handed to me, I will work for them. I will work really really hard. I do not deserve anything that any other person does not. I am just me and I am working more than hard to get to the place where I think that I should be. I should be doing so many things and I feel like I am a sitting duck. I feel like I am on the edge of a cliff just waiting for the big things to happen and I do not even know what that is. For one thing, it’s a job, a perfect job that was made just for me with kind people who will also care for the little ones hearts in their classroom. I have all my resumes out there, all my applications in to different districts, and I have heard nothing. I am getting positive feedback that summer is a crazy time, and to be patient. I am usually such a patient person but I AM NOT patiently waiting to hear about a job. I know that I am super stressed. I know for so many reasons, the nightmares and headaches always get worse, and let me tell you they are as bad as they have been in some time. The kids and I go out and they see so many things for when we have our own place and I find myself getting more than excited and I think yea Callahan; that cannot happen until you have a job. And if you could hear, the names that I call myself in my head your mouth would be on the ground!

The kids and I went to see God's Not Dead this week and it was really powerful. In ways that I do not even have words for. And during the entire movie it kept saying you are exactly where you are supposed to be and I think man, really, are you sure ? God are you sure? Someone said it to me the other day on Face book, you are exactly where you are supposed to be, and it’s frustrating. I feel like a leach, like a slug that I am not doing my part in the world. I am not being productive. I am a little lost with no school and I kind of miss it, lets be honest I more than miss it. As much as I like being alone, I miss the classroom interaction, I miss the work. I have no assignments to complete, no classes to attend, and honestly, I feel like a bum.

The PTSD is kicking my butt. Even at the Perot Museum the other day, WOW! There were so many people and I was already on edge. A simple Museum trip was a little overwhelming, I mean not that I wouldn't go, and I did enjoy myself it’s that constant panic, that constant anxiety that is ever present and wears a person to the bone. There was the panic when I smelled that specific cologne and it sent me back for a few minutes. I cannot even tell you how often that happens and how it makes me feel. I just want to be normal have normal life experiences with out being flooded by past smells or feelings. This is one of those things that goes on in my head ALL THE TIME that most people don't have a clue about.  Its all the time, and most of the time its fine, but its always there for smells, sounds, people, songs, yes even different songs.  That is my world and I keep smiling keep going, there are too many things to accomplish.   I always keep going ALWAYS but then at night it comes out as the nightmares with a vengeance. My world, it is what it is. I am working on it; it will get better, just not yet. However, I am holding on to the hope someday it will totally go away! I HAVE to believe that.

I can think back 4 years ago four short years and I never imagined that I would be graduated, I never imagined, that I world be where I am. And to think 4 years ago I didn't even believe in God. I can say with out a doubt that I DO NOT at all understand this journey that I am on. I don't understand any of it but I can say that I have direction after these last four years. I can say that I believe in God and believe that as many of the blessings that I have in my life right now are because of him. I can say that with out a single doubt. And even in all my doubt I am more than grateful.  So much more that I can put into words.

God is something that I don't understand, I see God ......Well you know when you go into the Dr’s office and sit on the couch and then someone walks in that gets your attention that you want to know more about? There are just those people that you see that totally intrigue you, that there is just something about them. There are just those people and they smile and they sit next to you on the couch. And there is a time that you are so intrigued and want to get into a big conversation and then there is another part that says seriously, dude do you really have to get that close! That is where I am. I am in awe and I want to know more; I want to understand and am scared and confused at the same time.

I can see with out a doubt that the things I have done these last four years are quite amazing. Things that I never would have imagined, people I never would have imagined in my life. I have stepped out of my comfort zone ALL THE TIME, and it might not seem like a big deal for some but for me and my heart I have done huge things. I still have a long way to go, but even still today, I have things and people in my life that I can not explain, other then being here for me because of God. I am working on finding a new church, I am; really am and its more than difficult. I was so hurt leaving the only church that I had known and so disappointed in the people. I know people are people, and a church is just a building for me its so much more than that. This time around I am so much stronger, BUT I knew safe people there and that made finding that home so much easier. And now me finding a church kind of feels like walking the plank. Kind of funny but more than true. Either I am going to be all in and learn to fly. Or I am going to jump in and get eaten by sharks. That’s how it feels for me finding a new church, a place that I can connect, that I can call home, that I can grow. A place that doesn't mind all my questions, that doesn’t even mind my doubt right here where I am. I believe, I do, but I have a lot of questions some big really big ones and some little ones but still questions none the less.

I have found someone to walk through some more of my past and even in finding him, I can say that didn't happen on its own either. I was on his waiting list for months. He had not even mt me, bt he cared. He didn't have to anwer my emal, he very easily could have walked awayhe di not. He would check in ask how I was, tell me that he had not forgotten about me.Those are the little things that help my heart, that truly matter. The caring just because, and he didn't even know me, it was just who he was. He went above and beyond and then got an intern and that was the person for me. Its not easy, and it hurts a lot but once these last pieces are healed, I can not even imagine the things that I will be able to do with my life. Its a good thing and I am grateful.

So this Mid 2014, there are not many things that I am sure of. I know I have a good guy to help with my heart. I know that my questions need answers , and I know that I won't stop looking until I find a place that is comfortable in answering them even when they are really hard. I want a church home that can tell me we don't know but we will help you look. I know that I have done all that I can on the job front and have to be patient, that I am going to be a great teacher and there is a plan even though I don't have a clue what that is. I am trying to take things one day at a time, hour by hour. Most days are amazing, but there are days this heart of mine wants to crawl in a hole. I am safe, I am protected and I have an amazing roof over my head, with people , my people that I can call family. I think back four years ago and never imagined this is where I would be or this is how I would feel. And I am looking forward to four years from now looking back at this time and thinking wow who ever thought ? I never thought that these things were even an option for me.

So this crazy insane imperfect journey of mine continues......I don't have a clue what’s next, but I am sure that the things ahead of me are even better the ones behind me. My heart will continue to heal and I will understand more. As different as things are now, good things are coming, they have too because I want them more than you can possibly imagine.

I heart your heart. Thank You.

Less Than Zero

 

I woke up way to early this morning to the light rain and it made me cry.  Just a light rain to water things to make them grow and thrive. And I kept crying.  Yesterday was a really really hard day.  I have always known that I didn't like the little girl that I was. I have called her not nice things, I have blamed her for the things that she in no way had control over.  In my head I logically know that all these things are completely crazy, I logically know that I was 5 and I expected way to much from her little five year old brain, but I wanted her to be smarter to fight more to stand up for herself.  I often use the word "HATE" when it comes to her, because I do.  I do not like her not for a second.  But yesterday it became more than clear, almost crystal clear just how much hate that I have for her. The hatred and how deep that goes for her is at the very core of who I am.

I will spare you the details but I realized yesterday that the care and love that I am able to give others, the care that I would give someone who had gone through a life like mine are not the same words that I feel are fitting for me. I don't believe that I deserve those same things, those same kind words.  I don't believe that the little five year old that I was deserved the same things as any other little girl. I even hate her almost, no let me be honest I hate her even more than my father.  And I would kill him with my own bare hands for what he did to me but I think even worse things for myself, for being five, for being involved, for being there, for being hurt.

I see her as less than zero. She is the worst of the worse.  She always did what she was told and would just do what needed to be done, clean up the mess try to get some sleep, smile pretend that all is well.  Be quiet watch everything and ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS be prepared.  Forget the innocent life of playing with friends and being just that : innocent, oblivious, with out a care in the world.  That world is not for you.  And I cry, that makes me so sad.

If you know me at all you know how much I love children.  I love all of them their little laughs, their little hearts and any child that I see hurt I want to run to them make it better, find a way to make sure that they are OK.  I care for a child's heart as the most precious thing ever because my friends it is the only one that they will ever have and I want to make sure that I never do anything to hurt that heart. I care for their little hearts because I never want any child to feel the things that I have.  I care for their little hearts because they matter, because it needs to be taken care of, it needs to be able to grow and learn and thrive and love and be joyful.  Those were things my little heart at 5 never got to experience. And I know I missed out on these things, and I can't get them back, so I try to give that to other children.  All that I want to give other children, I don't want to go near five year old me.

So yesterday since I had to get the kids in The Colony, and after realizing just how much that I hate that five year old, and being confused and hurt and heart broken that I feel the way that I do. I took a trip down memory lane seeing all the places that I lived, the places that I was hurt the places that other people lived and it hurt.  It hurt my heart today and I am 39.  Yet I expected the little five year old, the little girl that was there and experienced all those places and people to be strong and powerful and stand up and speak out and How in the world was she supposed to do that ?!? I was 5 ! I had only been alive and breathing for five short years and I expected more from her, oh my goodness, I am just so sorry!

They say that we do everything for a reason, there is a purpose to everything and I don't have a clue as to what purpose that hating her with such a passion has.  Its so strong, so deep and so automatic that trying to figure out the reasons why are beyond my understanding.  I don't want to HATE her, I am so sorry that the life that she had to have was so awful, and as awful as i know that it was I hate HER for it!!!!  And in my logical brain I completely understand that doesn't make sense, but my heart, in the most special space, I loathe her for being her for being born into the family that she was.  For being there when those things were happening.  For picking out a shirt to wear to bed, for so many many things.  I could go on and on and on and still give you reasons.  But if you ask me reasons why I should love her; there would be silence.  That is not fair.  And saying that i understand that life isn't exactly fair, anyway that you look at it but this is big, this is huge ! THIS is my next step.

I don't know how to stop the hurting because I know that I don't want to hate her, but I don't know how not too.  I never remember a time when I didn't hate, I never remember a time that I liked the little girl that she was. When she was pretty or cute, or loved.  I know that I am going to have to learn to love her.  And I even say that and it makes me sick to my stomach,   but I am going to have to learn.  I can't treat that part like it has been treated for many many years, like OK you can stop hurting me then i am just going to pick up where all those people left off and in my head I can understand that.  But my heart, that is exactly what it is doing.  I am continuing the same treatment just like them, and I have to stop. I read the words today that hit my heart hard : She was a victim not a participant.  She was a victim not a participant.  That is one of those statements that makes my world stop and I say it again. Little five year old me was a victim not a participant.  And that's how I see her, that little girl I see  participating in the things that were done.

My mind knows that its crazy insane to hate her, but my heart feels the hate to my core,  and all of me knows that I don't want to. My next steps are figuring out the purpose in hating her so very much and then going from there. Someone always says it happened and it mattered !  And I want to believe that.  I know what happened I see the pictures everyday like it was yesterday. If I keep hating her then I continue to say that it doesn't matter, she doesn't matter. If it mattered I believe that I would be treated different today, I believe that if it mattered people would not have been so cold and irresponsible.  If it mattered people would have stood up for me and stopped it. If it mattered someone would have given me a hug and said they were sorry. If only it mattered, If what happened to her mattered then how in the world could I possibly hate her ?!?!

This is such a hard thing to understand to comprehend, to learn to live with. I fear that loving her will somehow make me fall apart to feel bad for her to be so sad that she missed out on so much.  And I feel a little of that, but the hate takes over its so much stronger than the sorry.  I think that its going to be a long process learning to love her little by little and I think realizing that in no way, in any world was she ever a participant in the things that happened to her. They happened to her , and she deserves the things that I would give any other child that had been through the same hell.        

I am the Inconvenient truth

Wow that one is pretty powerful, and it fits.  I have been the inconvenient truth my entire life. Everyone trying to hide the truth pretend that nothing happened. People ignored people didn't see and I was always the one that was paying the price.  I would tell people what happened to me they would blame me or ignore.  I can not think of people that took me in their arms and said I am so sorry for what happened to you.  I wanted so much for someone to talk to me find out what happened, and just be there.  Often there were no words and I couldn't speak but it felt like i was drowning. I can remember the clear thoughts in my head from very early on that I was on my own.  No one was going to help, no one was going to protect me.  I can say that in my life now that I am 39, there have been people that have said that they are so sorry for what I went through, there have been people that have cried at my story when I felt nothing. I am more than grateful for those that have listened and cared and wished that things had been different.  But as we all know there is no way way for me to go back and get back all that was lost all that was taken, and sometimes that's OK and other times its not at all. 

Right now its not OK, I am really angry.  I am angry that my story didn't matter to people.  I am angry that I didn't matter to people. I am angry that I was always such an inconvenience.  People said I was lying, that I was just asking for attention when I wanted to keep it quiet, I never wanted to tell anyone, but yet I am the one that wanted attention !!! In what world does that make sense?!?  No one ever cared to ask me what happened, how many there were, NOTHING !  When i withdrew from everything and everyone; I was only made fun of, I can remember peoples conversations to others saying it was puberty, and that I was just on a roller coaster of emotions!  They didn't have a clue and didn't care to find out.  Every person turned from the truth and talked about me but not too me.  My heart was broken, I wanted someone to tell me that everything was going to be OK.  That what happened to me wasn't my fault, that I couldn't have done anything different.

Everyone just wanted to sweep me and everything that happened to me under the carpet.  They wanted me to pretend that it was all over and that everything was fine.  And I tried believe me I tried but the harder I tried to hide it, the more ways that it came out.  I would have bruises all over my legs from the nightmares and fighting in my sleep.  There were scratches all over my arms, looked like I was in some kind of cat fight.  And I ate to be ugly, I ate so that no one could blame my looks.  I ate to be ugly so I wouldn't be hurt anymore.   I think back and there were so many signs that no one ever saw.  After i lost Bella i Lost a lot of weight in a short period of time no one said a word, the loss was so strong so severe so heartbreaking that I just wanted to die.   Again no one noticed no one said a thing and I suffered in silence.  My heart was broken in two and yet everyone pretended that I was fine.

I can not honestly say what I think my mother knew.  In my heart things that she has said she knew more than I would like to think.  How can you not ?!? Having to go to bed with him at night, her waking up at night he is in my room and no questions are asked.  Times I would cry uncontrollably, no one noticed, or made me feel better.  I couldn't read until third grade, no one asked questions ?  I was exhausted ALL THE TIME.....nothing.....I stayed to myself all the time.....nothing no questions no caring, no nothing, I was on my own.  I hate that I never opened my mouth and never said anything but there were signs, there were many red flags and no one wanted to see and acknowledge the truth.  So I was sweeped under the carpet, I was just different, moody, weird.  Only I wasn't I was just being terribly hurt all the time and no one did a thing.

With Albert, I was left alone with him all the time.  He took me places all the time.  I never wanted to go no one asked why, I would cry no one cared.  I would run into the house screaming, no one said a word.  I was alone.  And that is not an exaggeration.  No one was keeping me safe, caring for my heart.  There was the time with Albert when I think my friend saw me, but then again, Albert was over me and maybe he didn't.  For him I am glad that he didn't.  For me I wish that he did and helped. This was my life, no one noticed a thing, and I was labeled with so many terrible names.

One of the only normal kid things that I remember was my little red and white stripped record player.  I loved that thing and I can remember playing Oh mickey on it over and over and over, that is one time that I remember feeling like the weight of the world wasn't on my shoulders.  I laid on the floor for hours and listened to that song, that little 45 record made me feel normal, that is the only comfort that I had. One of the only things I remember that was good and pure and innocent.

 When my mother was told about the gang rape at 13, she gave my still achy body a hug, I stood there I felt nothing she cried. My father was taken for a ride and told and he acted like an idiot, it was not about me.  For two days things were difficult, strange, It was like I was in the middle of a tornado and in my world it was silent, everyone else was talking on the phone and making appointments.  There were words spoken that I can never unhear.  The call from Joan not even 24 hours after I told, She just isn't showing enough emotion, she is lying, she just wants attention who would do that to her, she is the chubby unpopular kid.  And there were no words that stood up for me, that was taking care of my heart in any way.

There was the first counseling appointment of many.  They got me a happy meal before the session, which is so ironic a happy meal.  I laid in the back of the car, sitting was still painful, and I ate a chicken nugget. I still felt nothing I am not sure that I spoke more than 10 words those first few days. Word count 2, Thank you. I thanked them for lunch. The place was empty, there were kid pictures all over the wall.  It was friends of the family, though they were not my friend.  My father screamed and berated me, that I didn't fight enough, that I must have left the door unlocked, that it didn't look like anything happened.  He screamed and cried and carried on, he stood towering over me the entire session, pointing screaming.  It was all about him, and the counselor let him scream and carry on and then at the end, she said maybe we need to do this separately ! I didn't say one word.  My truth didn't matter, I was nothing, I was a disruption to their perfect little world.  I felt that with every bone in my body and I shut down.

 
There was another appointment with my fathers therapist, yea who's grand idea was that! Again same thing, the counselor at least asked how many I said 5 word count for the day: 3. I remember him sitting there talking to my parents. He was old, his legs crossed taking notes.  I was in another world.  I had to sit on the couch between my parents, I couldn't stand to be sitting that close to them , my skin still hurt. I just wanted to close my eyes make it go away, make it all go away.  I can remember my father talking the entire time, crying, all about him and he called me an "entity unto myself"  and I remember thinking what the fuck ?  Like this was nothing new he had been doing it since I was 5 and they couldn't understand why I felt nothing!!!!!  The guy, Gary Carpenter was his name, asked me something else, I don't remember what it was but I said no. Word count for the day 4.

We went home, I went to bed, I just wanted to lay down, close my eyes.  I mean what was the point, they should be the ones going to all these appointments, nobody was talking to me anyway, it was their feelings that mattered not mine.

   Then there was the Dr. appointment.  If felt like it took forever to get there. Just my mom took me. This was the only time that I was nervous, that I was scared, I didn't want him to see what I looked like physically.  I felt it was my fault and thought he would be able to see that.  That is the closest that I came to crying in those two days.  Again I had to sit in those hard chairs.  My mother went and talked to him in his office, then I was called back.  I laid on the table waiting, my heart was racing, I was scared he was going to be berating me too.  I was scared he was going to say the words to my face, that everyone else was thinking, I was a slut, who would want to do this to me, it must have been my fault.  He came in and touched my shoulder, I jumped. He said that he was sorry He was always kind, he had known me since I was little.  He was kind, he was talking to me, asking me questions, I couldn't answer but I mattered. I remember him saying that I couldn't keep it all bottled up inside.  I remember him talking for what seemed like forever , but at least he was talking to me, caring about me.  He said that he wanted to make sure that I was OK. He asked if he could do an exam.  The terror in my head, I said please please don't .  Word count for the day 7.  He said that he understood.  He told me things to watch out for, what to be concerned about. I was grateful.  He stood up to leave, he put his hand on my knee and patted it, it was kind, he was sorry and there was an understanding, I was grateful , I said thank you as he left. Word count ; 9.

I was grateful he listened, grateful for someone talking to me, in hindsight I wish that he saw my body; so then people would believe what had happened to me and he could have helped but I am not sure I could have handled it, not sure what the outcome would have been.  I was more than thankful.

We got home, there was lots of screaming, lots of yelling again my father making accusations, pointing fingers, he was furious I didn't have an exam.   I am sure all for his own protection nothing about my safety or well being.  I was such a mess, I didn't matter; what happened to me didn't matter and that is part of the sadness today, nothing mattered, nothing was done different and my heart was crushed in the process,  People can't handle the truth.  People are scared of my truth and the things that I have lived through.  Then I was an inconvenient truth I ruin what people think about the world so I am left alone.  There are a few that stay that still care for my heart and those people become so very important, they know and they understand and STILL care, and that means more than the world.  My heart still hurts because what  happened to me mattered and I have to figure out what that means.  I mattered and people should  have seen that.  What happened to me mattered it was big and people ignored and I have paid the price. Its time I stop paying .

Satriani : I Believe  <3

 

Those that made me feel that I matter, that my story Matters I heart your heart. I will keep going until I believe , until I truly believe that my story matters. . 

This June.....

So No, this is not my favorite month.  And I promise that If I get one more fathers day email I am seriously going to vomit.  When there are all these commercials with dads and their kids and all this love and fathers day mushiness it makes me sick to my stomach.  One because I never had a good ,kind, loving dad. Two because I wish that I did, and three because Fathers day in my house is different , HA imagine that! Four because my children don't have one either, and its something that I can't give them.  I can remember trying so hard on fathers day to make my father happy, to let him know that I wasn't as awful as he thought I was.  That I wasn't trying to piss him off, though I did that just by merely breathing.  This June I am in a new place.  Further than I have ever been from my past but yet still not finished. Ha another shocker  And as this 2014 Fathers day is in the near future, I find myself dreading it for my children.

I know that  I am still terrified of my own father, I  hide in the car because I think I see him.  So  yea you kinda know that things are not finished.  Its those moments when its becomes so very clear that he still scares me half to death and we don't even live in the same state. I hate him, and I wish that I didn't.  I feel sorry for him and I wish that I didn't.  I wish that I had a dad that was different growing up.  I wish that I had a dad that was all the things that a dad should be.  I am not sure that I long for a dad but I know that I watch dads like crazy exspecially with their girls and I do wonder what that would be like. 

Fast forward now to my own children.  They don't have a father and when there are no words needed to explain that is such a good thing. When they are small, the simple answers work. Its just the three of us. Mom just dropped two eggs.  But it is so much more complicated. As they are getting older those simple answers are not working, I know it, I feel it in my bones.  My simple answers are only raising more questions for them. Kids in their class are asking them questions and the answers that they have given don't work anymore either.  There are  times when the questions loom and you know that its time to make a plan and explain the things that you have been dreading their entire life. Its time for me to really start with my plan , to think of the right words to help them understand.

And most people don't have this problem they have love stories, and dreams of them and other things I am sure I know nothing about. And my story is nothing like that, no love story to share only that from the second I found out that I was pregnant they were the most important thing in the world that I was going to do everything and more to take care of and make sure that they were loved with out any doubt. I wish that I had a different story for them, but I hope they will always feel the love and pure joy that they bring to me. In all that joy there is a sadness, and the only thing to do to heal is go through it.

At the end of school teachers try to fit in that fathers day project and my children always say well I don't have a dad . Some ask questions some leave it alone, others are incredibly unthoughtful.  Some teachers are super uncomfortable, some don't care, still some I am not sure even notice.  There are the looks, people trying to figure it out.  In their entire school career I have had one teacher ask and I told her.   Other kids ask questions, tell them that they have to have a dad. That its not possible just to have a mom!   As they get older I can see its affecting their little hearts.  The simple answers just aren't working anymore.  The simple answers, are meaningless they want more. This year it is different, I feel that I am not prepared, yet how can I be prepared.  How is it even possible to be ready for the conversation that I am going to have to have with my amazing children that are my world. I love them more than life and I worry about their heart. I have asked them if they wished that they had a dad for Vincent and Mariska it is a firm, yes.  All the times before they have always said no not really, but not this year.  They wish that they had a dad, they wish and want that; that breaks my heart. They want and need something that I am not sure I can ever give them. For them for me, my heart aches, I don't have the words to make their heart feel better and the words that I do have to explain I hope doesn't damage their pure perfect little spirits.

If I saw someone is cute, or look at someone twice, Vincent is right there with a comment, he is always talking about dating sites for me and getting married.  Well some of you might remember that there was a guy Named Bradley, that made me smile that was cute and here is Vincents Fathers Day Project :

It says : Bradley from Wal-Mart. My mom really liked you.  You were gone the next day. Vincent

It made me smile and it made me sad.  He was just a guy that I thought was cute, A manager at Wal-Mart he was kind. Nothing more.  And I think every time that I see someone is cute Vincent sees a father and I am not sure what to do with that.  It breaks my heart because as much as I do want a husband some day, I don't know if that is going to happen.  And the part about me doesn't  even matter, its Vincents little heart.  He needs a father figure more than anything. I want to give him the fairy tale but I have nothing. Only me. And I worry that it just isn't enough.

When I had a church home I asked around , for someone to take Vincent under their wing, be a role model for him, be a man, show him what that means but people have their own families.  Their own children.  I am still looking but looking is so much easier said than done.  Someone to care and spend time with a child that is not theirs is a lot to ask. So I will continue to look.  I have thought about big brothers but I would rather someone that I can trust, and know given the things that I have been through, I am not big on introducing a stranger.  I need to know this person and know that they are safe for my son.

Even Mariska, sweet Mariska.  She wants a dad, and that has never been something she wanted before.  I can make her feel special but something about a dad.  I want that for her, a family that I know does the most amazing thing taking his girls out on dates for their birthdays, how cool is that.  Her dad did it for her and now her husband is doing it for their girls.  I can't give that to Mariska, I can't give that to Vincent.  All the love that I have in the world, all my breath and I can not give them a kind gentle loving father and there is a part of that , that is devastating to me.  I can be so much but not a mom and a dad. I can not be everything that they need.  And I hope and pray that  I can be enough. Because its all I have. Such a dilemma for mothers like me, oh my heart ! There are no right answers !


There is a part of my heart that doesn't want to tell them the truth, that doesn't want them to have to bare that burden. I think wouldn't it be easier for them to think that I was a slut, then tell them the truth ? Wouldn't that be easier ?  Place the blame on me and still be grateful that they came into my life?  Telling them the truth is terrifying, I worry about their heart, I worry that they will think differently of themselves. I worry that they will hate me. I worry that they will look at me differently, I worry that they will pity me. I do want to tell them the truth, but my heart is scared for them to hear it.     I recent;y read in article, and the mom told her daughter, "Something bad happened to me.  A very bad man hurt me but God gave me you."  And that seems so simple those words don't seem that hard but I can tell you they are more than hard.  I worry that my sweet Vincent will think badly of himself, that Mariska will take her life as less than because of what happened to me.  I have always said that there is a part of me that is grateful things happened the way that they did  because I have Vincent and Mariska and if I had to go thru it all again I would just to have them as my children.  So many questions to be answered, so many thoughts to be had....I don't have any answers but the time is coming and as much as I want them to keep that innocent lovely spirit, maybe as the saying goes the truth will set us free...Me , Vincent and Mariska.  We are who we are, things have happened ......and I wouldn't change a thing to get to be their mom. And above anything else that is what I want them to understand.

So I don't have a clue what we are going to do this fathers day, we are going to laugh, cook, do something for our little family  This fathers day, I will cry for what I didn't have, what I can't give my children . I will be grateful for the kind loving fathers that I have been lucky enough to know and get to see what that relationship between a father and daughter should look like. I will make it a special day for them, my sweet Vincent and Mariska  because in it all they are the little hearts that matter, they are the ones that deserve all the best that life has to offer and I just pray all good things for them.  I pray for the strength to be truthful and for them to understand.

I Hope You Dance

Mending but still broken

This picture is more than perfect right now.  I can tell you with out a doubt that my heart is healing. I can also tell you with out a doubt that it is broken. As I start this next chapter, I have come a really long way out of a big really deep dark hole. I can smile and I laugh. I can enjoy the little things and be happy.  I listen to the birds and am grateful.  I wake up in the morning and enjoy the new day. Seeing a rainbow is something amazing every single time. And yet still there are parts of my heart that are broken.  There are pieces that I wonder if they can ever be fixed, but I won't stop trying.. I know that my heart is mending I have people that stay, I have people that are genuine and real.  And in this life for me its not about picking up my boot straps  and just moving on its so much more complicated than that.  Its learning all the things that I never learned to begin with. If only I could just pick up my bootstraps and move on....with all the work that I have done, I would be done already.

Yesterday I watched Brave Miss World and then my heart was/is in pieces.  It was just one of those days, many memories, many reminders and I try so hard to ignore them to make them go away and some days like today I am not so strong.  I long for my happily ever after.  I long to be loved, I long to feel the normal that my heart craves and is terrified to want.  In the end of the movie, She marries, and has twins a boy and a girl and my heart, the happiness that I felt for her, was incredible and I find myself wanting so much to have my very own happily ever after. 

I want those normal life things, I think from the outside things look OK, but if you were to peek in my heart, there are many tears, great anger, even rage, a sadness and buckets and buckets of shame.  My insides are broken, I am so afraid of the things that I want, that I hate myself for even wanting them, for even thinking those normal life things would even be an option for me. A husband ?  oh the poor man?  My own house ? A child ?  true love ?  Kindness ? gentleness ? Friends ?  Acceptance ? 

Now that I have graduated and there are jobs on the horizon I find myself looking to the future. I am finding myself wanting very different things.  The kids are excited, will we have a house or an apartment.  What will it look like, what will we have, what will our life be like.  And I think about all those things. Things that I will be able to give Vincent and Mariska. Giving them a life that is safe and sound, that I have created for us. But I am also thinking about my own happiness and that is not something I like to do or do very often.  I am thinking that maybe someday, I would like a man in my life, I know here comes the thunder and lightning bolts, I want someone to share with and love and live happily ever after. I want someone to love me as their wife!   I don't have a clue what that would look like, how I would even get there but I find myself wanting that.  I want them taking Mariska to dinner and treating her like a lady and making sure that she knows how beautiful, precious and amazing that she is.  I want them playing ball with Vincent teaching him to be a good man, to be kind, honest and gentle with a girls heart. 

For me I want a kind gentle man that will hold me like a sea shell and listen to my heart.  That right there says it all.  I am not even sure that this man exists and I already feel terrible for him, for having to put up with me, but I want that. I really really want that.  At Truman's graduation there was a couple and how they smiled at each other, how the dad held the baby how they were with each other , how they talked and listened it was pretty amazing.  And then the other night we had dinner with this family and how they love each other, but they truly like each other, make each other happy, it was just so awesome to see.   I want to be loved like that, I want to be held, I want to be a wife. There are the words, I want to be a wife.  I want to love him so much that I can't remember my life with out him.  I want to have another child, a child out of our love that we share and get to see Vincent and Mariska become big brothers and sisters.  I want to laugh and to be crazy, and sing in the car and he will smile, I want someone who can, if not understand, appreciate my love of whales and passion for the sea.  I want someone that will see my broken heart and know that I am so much more. I want a man to be gentle, yet be strong and love with his whole heart. I will need him to be patient, and understanding.  I will need him to truly see me and the person that I am and where I have come from.  I am finding myself noticing people more and that is something I just don't do, its scary, well no its pretty terrifying and I do wonder how I am ever going to get to that point when I think about dating and want to crawl in a hole.  I want my very own happily ever after, more now than ever in my life.  And I don't have a clue how I am going to get there YET, but I am working on it.  I want my very own happily ever after. 

Days like today are rough, its like you can see and feel the past like it was minutes ago and yet its years and years away.  You can see all the details and yet the feelings are lost somewhere in between. You want to scream, and yet there are a million and one things that keep you from doing just that. I pray I meditate, I write I yell, all these things trying to find some peace. I am not sure if there will come a time when I ever stop talking about my past, its so much for so long by so many people but I know that with each passing year I will be further than I ever have been before. I know that people don't want to talk about it, I know that people ignore me, I understand that not everyone can be your friend. Its not pretty but its real and it happens and I won't be quiet until its done, and that may be next year, next week or days before I die, maybe even never I just don't know.  I know that my past affects so much of my everyday, when I can't take a shower because of the flashbacks when sleep is hard to come by because really who wants to sleep when its full of evil violence.  Even the nights I am able to sleep, I am always running trying to get away and that is no way to sleep. When even my own children touch me and I want to cringe and you know I love them with all that I am. Those things will lesson in time I have to believe that.  I just have too.  I never want to be that person that seems to be dwelling, really that is not at all what I am doing, I am just trying to figure out this crazy life that I have had and am living. Each time talking about something gives me a different view a different perspective to get me to a place where I have an understanding.  If I was dwelling I would lay in bed and cry EVERY SINGLE DAY and I do not.  I finished my degree and am working on making my very own wonderful life.  My life has hurt, hurt so very much.  People leave, people come.  And I get angry with myself that so many good things are happening and I STILL feel that hurt in my heart.  I am learning to realize, that yes all these good things are happening and they are happening to me but all the good things in the world can not change the bad things and I have to be OK with that. There has to be a balance and I look forward to the new good stories that will come and not just the ones that have crushed my heart.  The people in my life today are mending my heart and I am not sure they even know that they are doing it.

So I watch Brave Miss World and I see that she marries and finds her happy and it makes it seem possible.  The parts with her boyfriend, things that he thinks and feels. The parts where she speaks with her boyfriend from the time of the assault and how she changed.  Oh so important for my heart. Even after the rape she was loved, and not at all was that too much to ask.  He loves all of her, and that is something miraculous.  Maybe it was the realization that someone could love me, see me as a wife even after all the rapes ?  That is something almost unimaginable for me.  For someone to love me after all that has happened .....I don't know that I felt loved before but to have that kind of love after, I don't have a clue, but I want to , I want to know what that is like.

People today are healing my heart piece by piece.  And I am grateful.  Every story is another piece of understanding that I never had before, all the kind words are taken to heart and changing what i believe about the world.

When they ask how I am.  When they ask about my past .  When they ask how I feel.  When they give me a few minutes of their time.  When I get the messages asking how I am.   When they write words like love and proud about me, that is still SO crazy!   Those are my new stories that are being created in my heart, and are getting more and more room. And those are the things that make me strong.

I heart your heart.   Thank you Thank You. 

PS:  If you know of any single good guys , scraggly hair, tall let me know HA just kidding, not there yet but be prepared when I am ready I will be ready and there is no stopping me :)

ColdPlay : A sky full of stars

I am reaching <3