Yesterday I watched Brave Miss World and then my heart was/is in pieces. It was just one of those days, many memories, many reminders and I try so hard to ignore them to make them go away and some days like today I am not so strong. I long for my happily ever after. I long to be loved, I long to feel the normal that my heart craves and is terrified to want. In the end of the movie, She marries, and has twins a boy and a girl and my heart, the happiness that I felt for her, was incredible and I find myself wanting so much to have my very own happily ever after.
I want those normal life things, I think from the outside things look OK, but if you were to peek in my heart, there are many tears, great anger, even rage, a sadness and buckets and buckets of shame. My insides are broken, I am so afraid of the things that I want, that I hate myself for even wanting them, for even thinking those normal life things would even be an option for me. A husband ? oh the poor man? My own house ? A child ? true love ? Kindness ? gentleness ? Friends ? Acceptance ?
Now that I have graduated and there are jobs on the horizon I find myself looking to the future. I am finding myself wanting very different things. The kids are excited, will we have a house or an apartment. What will it look like, what will we have, what will our life be like. And I think about all those things. Things that I will be able to give Vincent and Mariska. Giving them a life that is safe and sound, that I have created for us. But I am also thinking about my own happiness and that is not something I like to do or do very often. I am thinking that maybe someday, I would like a man in my life, I know here comes the thunder and lightning bolts, I want someone to share with and love and live happily ever after. I want someone to love me as their wife! I don't have a clue what that would look like, how I would even get there but I find myself wanting that. I want them taking Mariska to dinner and treating her like a lady and making sure that she knows how beautiful, precious and amazing that she is. I want them playing ball with Vincent teaching him to be a good man, to be kind, honest and gentle with a girls heart.
For me I want a kind gentle man that will hold me like a sea shell and listen to my heart. That right there says it all. I am not even sure that this man exists and I already feel terrible for him, for having to put up with me, but I want that. I really really want that. At Truman's graduation there was a couple and how they smiled at each other, how the dad held the baby how they were with each other , how they talked and listened it was pretty amazing. And then the other night we had dinner with this family and how they love each other, but they truly like each other, make each other happy, it was just so awesome to see. I want to be loved like that, I want to be held, I want to be a wife. There are the words, I want to be a wife. I want to love him so much that I can't remember my life with out him. I want to have another child, a child out of our love that we share and get to see Vincent and Mariska become big brothers and sisters. I want to laugh and to be crazy, and sing in the car and he will smile, I want someone who can, if not understand, appreciate my love of whales and passion for the sea. I want someone that will see my broken heart and know that I am so much more. I want a man to be gentle, yet be strong and love with his whole heart. I will need him to be patient, and understanding. I will need him to truly see me and the person that I am and where I have come from. I am finding myself noticing people more and that is something I just don't do, its scary, well no its pretty terrifying and I do wonder how I am ever going to get to that point when I think about dating and want to crawl in a hole. I want my very own happily ever after, more now than ever in my life. And I don't have a clue how I am going to get there YET, but I am working on it. I want my very own happily ever after.
Days like today are rough, its like you can see and feel the past like it was minutes ago and yet its years and years away. You can see all the details and yet the feelings are lost somewhere in between. You want to scream, and yet there are a million and one things that keep you from doing just that. I pray I meditate, I write I yell, all these things trying to find some peace. I am not sure if there will come a time when I ever stop talking about my past, its so much for so long by so many people but I know that with each passing year I will be further than I ever have been before. I know that people don't want to talk about it, I know that people ignore me, I understand that not everyone can be your friend. Its not pretty but its real and it happens and I won't be quiet until its done, and that may be next year, next week or days before I die, maybe even never I just don't know. I know that my past affects so much of my everyday, when I can't take a shower because of the flashbacks when sleep is hard to come by because really who wants to sleep when its full of evil violence. Even the nights I am able to sleep, I am always running trying to get away and that is no way to sleep. When even my own children touch me and I want to cringe and you know I love them with all that I am. Those things will lesson in time I have to believe that. I just have too. I never want to be that person that seems to be dwelling, really that is not at all what I am doing, I am just trying to figure out this crazy life that I have had and am living. Each time talking about something gives me a different view a different perspective to get me to a place where I have an understanding. If I was dwelling I would lay in bed and cry EVERY SINGLE DAY and I do not. I finished my degree and am working on making my very own wonderful life. My life has hurt, hurt so very much. People leave, people come. And I get angry with myself that so many good things are happening and I STILL feel that hurt in my heart. I am learning to realize, that yes all these good things are happening and they are happening to me but all the good things in the world can not change the bad things and I have to be OK with that. There has to be a balance and I look forward to the new good stories that will come and not just the ones that have crushed my heart. The people in my life today are mending my heart and I am not sure they even know that they are doing it.
So I watch Brave Miss World and I see that she marries and finds her happy and it makes it seem possible. The parts with her boyfriend, things that he thinks and feels. The parts where she speaks with her boyfriend from the time of the assault and how she changed. Oh so important for my heart. Even after the rape she was loved, and not at all was that too much to ask. He loves all of her, and that is something miraculous. Maybe it was the realization that someone could love me, see me as a wife even after all the rapes ? That is something almost unimaginable for me. For someone to love me after all that has happened .....I don't know that I felt loved before but to have that kind of love after, I don't have a clue, but I want to , I want to know what that is like.
People today are healing my heart piece by piece. And I am grateful. Every story is another piece of understanding that I never had before, all the kind words are taken to heart and changing what i believe about the world.
When they ask how I am. When they ask about my past . When they ask how I feel. When they give me a few minutes of their time. When I get the messages asking how I am. When they write words like love and proud about me, that is still SO crazy! Those are my new stories that are being created in my heart, and are getting more and more room. And those are the things that make me strong.
I heart your heart. Thank you Thank You.
PS: If you know of any single good guys , scraggly hair, tall let me know HA just kidding, not there yet but be prepared when I am ready I will be ready and there is no stopping me :)
ColdPlay : A sky full of stars
I am reaching <3
No comments:
Post a Comment