I hear that word and just shake my head. I don't have it I don't understand the word and I sure don't know how to get it. I have heard some explain it as believing in something even when you can't see it. Like God knowing he is there even though you can't see him. I know that I keep going back to this,,,, its just that in my life experience things are not the same. I always go back to that moment saying my prayers before I went to bed at night...Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the lord my soul to keep if I should die before I wake....and the prayer goes on only for me I continued with the silent prayer please please don't let me wake up, I can not live through another night of hurt from my father. When you are five living that life and your prayers are not answered, I see things like faith very differently.
I would pretend to be sleeping so I didn't have to go to church. Because you see church should't hurt and for me it always did. The Good god that everyone talked about I never experienced. The healing, the one who carries you when you can't do it on your own, the one who comforts you when no one is there I don't know that. When you hear the priest speak, and hear all the words and then see those that have brutalized and hurt your soul receive communion and then look my way and smirk, those are things that you want nothing to do with, those are things that I want nothing to do with that I see in movies that are more than real.These are things that I lived and breathed. These things change you. They change you and I am not sure that no matter how hard that I try I can never go back and forget those things. I have met great people and I met my favorites in a church, and I love them so very much, and I am more than grateful for them. I fear all the time that if I don't believe that they will give up on me. That is huge. They have helped in so many ways but there are also things that they can't understand and things that can't be fixed things that are so deep and hurt so very much that they just are. There is no healing them, there is no making it better, they were done and its just another piece.
And there is a friend that I love dearly, that I fear I am just pesky. She has a faith that I admire that I marvel at each time she speaks. I don't understand her faith, I feel like its something so out of reach, its something I don't have, never have had. She is going through a really hard time, her mom is fighting brain cancer. My heart breaks for her, I don't have any words to make her feel better and that breaks my heart. She is putting everything in god's hands. I don't understand that faith she recently wrote "I know that God is good and can heal her at anytime." And my thoughts run in a million different directions. What happens when I don't believe that god is good all the time. I don't believe that I have been heard I don't believe that , I don't believe those things and it scares me, it breaks my heart.
And I know there is a difference between church, people and religion and god. Those are all very separate things and I feel more than let down by all of them.
Church: So Church is just the building. Another building where people come together. There is nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with the building its just another space. I have been in some places and felt the utmost sense of calm. And I have been in places that give me the chills. I have been in safe churches and very unsafe churches . Again its just a building. Just a building.
People: Then there is the people in the building just people normal everyday people they are no better than anyone else. They have a heart, they have a soul. The thing is I expect those people to be kinder gentler and more understanding and they are not because, they are just people. I do believe that there are some people that are good but they are good with church or no church. Some of the people that have hurt me the most are people that were everything church and god and religion and nothing good kind and safe and I don't know how to balance those two things in my head.Religion: This is something I really want no part of . For me there is nothing kind in religion. Its about a set of rules that people claim to follow while they are in the building on Sunday then walk out doing everything opposite. Not everyone I have met some amazing people who do live what they say. I know there are some. They don't seem to stay around, because I have to much doubt. I do not see religion as something that helps, I see it as something to control, something to control people make them afraid make them do exactly what is wanted. I don't understand, it doesn't make sense to me. Because once again I don't see the kindness. In accepting others, in letting people be who they are. I see only that people that do not believe in every rule and regulation are looked down on and often belittled. That is not something that sits well with me. I have always had so many questions, so many things that I haven't understood and no one has stuck around long enough to help me figure them out.
Then there is God.
And then comes the silence. Because I just don't know. I want more than anything to believe in that kind of kindness , in that kind of love, in that kind of protection and I don't. I have not experienced that. I really can not imagine the things that people talk about and how they view god as this helper and healer. I see him as this amazing kind man who does a lot of great things . I watch movies and I cry, like why can't I feel and believe in something like that.....And I think how can a man like that hear my prayers of wanting to die and do nothing. How can a man know the things that were done to such a small child that will harm her forever and do nothing. How can a man know all the things that would happen in one single life, How can a man know that I will be raped and have two beautiful children and that be ok. I do not understand those things. That is something that I don't understand. I don't understand the suffering, the over and over of the things that have happened. And that no one helped no one heard, and I had to grow up so very alone and more than afraid , those are the things that I can not get my brain around . I don't understanding such suffering. I know that choice comes in and that there are things that God doesn't control. And in no way do I expect all hurting to stop, maybe I just don't want to have to do it alone. Things get fuzzy here because there is just so much. Here is where there are so many thoughts and feelings that they seem to blend in and run together and become completely incoherent. I don't expect God to end suffering all together because plain and simple there are bad guys out there. Maybe its in the having to do it all alone that tears at my heart. So alone, and no answers to rough really rough questions, that maybe there are not any answers to. And one conversation , two maybe one hundred isn't enough. Because this heart of mine needs a constant that will stay and support and guide and be kind even in the roughest moments.
It gets old fighting all the time. Fighting for something that you aren't even sure that is something meant for you. I find my peace , my center, in the sunset, in the birds, in whales, in laughing, in being kind, in being helpful, in feeling the breeze. Those are the things that speak to me. The ocean oh the ocean speaks to me in so many ways. Children oh yes they speak to me their innocent little hearts they should run the world. Maybe I just need to stop fighting and just breathe in what I am sure of.
I know so very much, Maybe that is just what I am meant to do because in fighting there is too much hurt and I will not add any more. This is the point where I am, I just need to go with what speaks to me, Peace is every Step. Maybe that will be ok. Because fighting for the faith is way to heavy for me to bare.
Lincoln park : Heavy
