The Magical Santa

 Christmas is a special time of year.  There are trees to decorate, wreaths to hang, cookies to make and Pictures with Santa to be taken. Even the craziness that I grew up in I remember the magic of Christmas knowing that Santa thought you were important enough to fill your stocking and put a gift or two under the tree. I would get so excited this time of the year decorating and buying people presents.  We always put lights and garland around the fire place, and my bedroom door, and even later on the shelves in my room.  The more lights and garland that I used the better I thought that it looked.  Oh, even now I remember it.  So tacky but still so awesome, I loved this season. 

There is just something special about this time of year, the innocence the delight, the lights the cold weather . That magic the wonder that a fat man and 8 reindeer are going to travel from the north pole and come to your house just for you.

This time comes every year and I see "that " Santa on peoples posts and my heart just explodes.  That man is everything magical that every child dreams of at Christmas.  Christmas is all about kindness and dreams and magic and making lists and circling toys in catalogs that we dream will be under our  tree.  Christmas is a special time of year in oh so many ways.  But this Santa this man is something that holds the preciousness of Christmas close to his heart. 

It was 2003, I was pregnant with Vincent and Mariska I had just a few weeks earlier found out it was twins and honestly still a little in shock yet was so very very happy.  This day is so clear, We were on the top floor looking down and I saw him this Santa clause with his white beard and big ol' belly and the tears started to flow.  I was going to be a mom and I was so very excited, Vincent and Mariska were all that mattered and seeing Santa with all those little kids was so awesome.  I knew that soon I would get to share those magic moments with my own children and it was overwhelming.  There was few things I ever connected with in my life but this Santa was another one of them.  He was everything perfect and true and real and I was going to be that for my kids.  So I took that time staring over the balcony in awe of this amazing man and in awe that I had these two precious babies growing and giving me hope.  There was a peace when I was pregnant in all things true and real and it was Miraculous honestly.  So I spent that hour or so watching him so excited for the many years of Santa that would be ahead.

Then that following year , Vincent and Mariska were almost 8 months old and again we were in the mall.    Oh goodness we had absolutely no money between diapers and the things that two babies needed there was nothing.  The mall was pretty empty, and there he was right in front of us, as soon as I saw him I started to cry, remember watching him over the balcony about a year ago then holding my sweet amazing babies as I stood there right in front of him.  We just were going to take a picture on our own there wasn't even money for a picture for Santa.  I didn't care it was the experience and getting to share my children with Santa, not any Santa but This Santa, that sounds kinda crazy but so true.  I stood outside the little gate and he told my mom so softly, not to have the kids face him so they wouldn't get scared.His kindness, his heart radiates all over him, and I stood there watching him holding my children with tears rolling down my face.  And it was like that moment in The Gathering when he says "It's really happening, Its really happening!"  And that's all that was going through my head, the magic of Santa, the magic of my children and This is really happening, Really happening to me.  I could not have been any happier.  And Santa asked my mom "oh why is she crying," but just how he looked at me, it was a connection something real that is honestly beyond any words I could write.  And he told the woman to take pictures and give them to us.  I put my hand on my heart and said thank you, there was an understanding and I will never forget in that moment.  It was pure Magic, pure kindness pure amazing..   That man was something special something so different.  He has the heart honestly not of this world, there is something different he has a kindness and understanding beyond what a person can imagine.   He is something so very special and I am not sure if we are going to get to see him this year, but I have those memories and I heart his heart.

Here is that picture of the very first year :

Merry Christmas my friends.  Enjoy every second .
Love ME   

Who ME Antisocial ??

Well I have to say I was a little worried going to my brothers for Thanksgiving.  He has always been the outgoing one lots of friends all the time, he always knew everyone.  And the more we talked about Thanksgiving, the more nervous that I got.  He was talking about all these people that were going to be there for dinner, and I didn't know any of them.  There were my brothers girlfriends parents and her sister, a few people  that he works with and I was well I was scared.

I have been the one who wants to fade into the background my entire life,  I was never the party girl, never the anything girl really I would just watch and make sure that everything around me was OK.  I have been like that my entire life, I mean literally from as far back as I can remember.  I never had many friends, never was the outgoing social person that others sometimes wanted me to be.  Part of that is just how I grew up but I really think that another part of it , is because that's just who I am.

It was the day after thanksgiving and my brother said what a great day it was that he was worried how I would be around all these people and that he was glad I even talked to some of the people and was "Social".  And I jokingly said yea me your antisocial sister interacting and it was made into a joke , but it was one of those jokes that stings your heart though. I know that I am not the most social person but I try really hard. I always worry that I will say something stupid and look like an idiot, I worry that people won't understand , I worry that people won't want to listen.  I worry that honestly I will be a pest.  So it becomes easier to smile and watch others and make sure that everything is OK..

So his comment had me thinking, I can remember being called a snob in high school for not talking to people and it wasn't that I didn't have anything to say,  it was the thought in my head well who is going to want to listen anyway.  I know even times I have gone out to dinner with friends and there are so many things to say in my head its hard just to talk about the normal everyday things .  I am probably sounding pretty crazy right now, but I promise I am not.  I dread that time in church when they say greet someone , that sinking in my chest, and I find something that needs my attention in my purse.  I hate the first day of classes in school   , not knowing who will be in your class and on and on.

Its kinda funny I am more social now than I have ever been.  I remember walking into James and Amy Wiebe's for the first time for life group.  I honestly had a panic attach and it was worse when Matt Poe asked so tell us about you !  That is a post for later but that was super super hard for me but its gets hard always making sure that others are OK, or worrying how they will take what you say and that doesn't mean I don't love it, just sometimes there are SOOOO many things that I want or need to say and don't. So I honestly don't mean to be anti-social but maybe that's just part of who I am.  Its crazy life group had started again and its bigger than before more people more families and as much as I love it it still scares me to death.  So I know I am socially awkward,  I know that I think different, I view the world different but I promise that I am not being a snob, or not wanting to be involved I am just being me.

I heart your heart my friends who can accept my weirdness , I love you.

I am Spent

OK this might sound whiny and I apologize but I am tired of having to fight for everything.  Whether its for me or my children I am just tired of having to fight.  I must apologize to anyone who reads this, I am so very sorry, you guys are  going to get sick of reading how I grew up but I have always had to fight and I don't mean physically beat someone up though sometimes that would be nice.  Mentally I always have to fight. Whether its fighting for whats right, fighting for others, fighting for my own children , fighting for my grades, fighting to finish school, fighting to find somewhere to live, fighting myself its all a fight and I am exhausted.  I find myself removing myself from everything because people get tired of me and my having to fight all the time.  I want someone to ask how are you and be able to smile and say greatand truly mean it.

Let me say I don't at all expect life on a silver platter, I don't expect things to be easy and everything go perfect what I am asking for is a break.  Things are kinda crazy all around no matter how you look at them.  My church is struggling and it feels like sand slipping through my fingers, people are leaving left and right, and I don't understand. I found this amazing place with truly great people and it feels like its falling out from under me.  School right now is so very hard, I am waiting to speak with the dean but even after all is said and done I am still going to have to take that class again, I am hoping for a miracle with the other class that only time will tell.  At home I don't know where I stand, some days we are wanted but most days we are not.  Do I leave find a place for single moms and kids  and get a job leaving school when I have only 3classes and student teaching left?  Do I stay where I am not being wanted, but finish school and then move out ?  What damage am I doing to my kids living where we aren't wanted ?  Do I move with the risk of not finishing school and never getting ahead ? I don't have a clue.  I just don't know.

Nothing is settled, nothing is sure and I am realizing that I really like things the same, I like to know that things are OK and people are the same. I like to know that from one day to the next people will feel the same about you today as yesterday . I like things at the same time and place where I can count on them. And I can't even connect with anyone right now because I just won't leave the kids, where I know its not good for them.  As good as that is for them, and its making a huge difference I get further and further behind.  A friend of mine wrote in an email :   you will not be left behind and it made me cry so hard because right now I couldn't get any further behind.  I am working so hard trying to do everything and there just isn't enough of me.  There are a lot of big life decisions that need to be made and I don't have a clue where to start or where I need to go.  People say Pray , and oh I pray, I cry, I pray some more and still  nothing.  I beg for some relief some comfort some answers and there just aren't any.  I have said many times that I must be doing something wrong, because maybe a little break is just too much to ask for, once again I don't have a clue.  HA imagine that .

For the Whales

I have this passion for whales that's is so deep, so strong at times it makes my heart hurt. Whales are as close to my heart as my children and my love for teaching.  Whales are everything gentle and kind.  They take care of each other, they help each other.  They have this amazing sense , this peace about them that I have always been drawn too.
I mean lets face it I have always loved animals, they have always been special because animals just don't hurt you.  Oh goodness I sure don't know what I would have done with out animals in my life growing up, they were my world and I would have done anything to keep them safe and sound.  But my passion for whales started the summer of 1988 when I was 13.  There are many special stories that summer but this one is about my love, passion and gratefulness for whales.

It had truly been a hellish year, so many things were going on and I was in such a dark place.  I was so withdrawn and numb inside.  I was going through the motions of life but not really living.  What I had to deal with was way beyond my 13 years and I just couldn't deal with anymore, there was literally nothing left for me to hold onto .  I was scared of people, I kept eating more and more believing that if I was ugly people would leave me alone, I was an absolute mess.  I was at a place where I was more like a living breathing walking dead thing,I didn't even really feel human anymore.  I wasn't connected to anyone or anything, and 99% of me had given up on everything.  I keep looking for the right words to explain that time and I just do not have any.  Imagine staring at a black piece of paper not feeling anything at all, not caring and knowing that no else cared either.  I was living in this cold world and I didn't have an ounce of hope , I had nothing, not even a friend .  My thought  was with a life like mine who in the world would want to be around me anyway even by chance that I did want a friend or two.

So that summer of 88' my grandmother decided that she was going to take me to Florida for a week.  We were going to stay in her condo on Daytona beach and we were going to see every possible tourist attraction that there was.  Its unbelievable, I had no idea what a life saving trip that this would become.  My grandmother was really great, she was trying so hard taking me to all these places, I can't even imagine the money that she spent.  It was so peaceful being away from home, being near the water, getting to see dolphins right off the balcony, It was amazing, and so soothing for my tired soul.  My grandmother was trying so hard to bring me out of my shell to make me happy but my heart was just too far away.  Until we went to Sea World.  And I have to say being the animal activist that I am that I would never encourage anyone to go there, and in no way do I like Sea World, and I Will Never Ever go there again and in no way am I promoting whales in captivity but I am forever grateful that , that summer those whales gave me hope and brought part of me back to life. 

We got there early that day, I can remember being pretty excited.  The first thing we did was go on a behind the scenes tour.  That was where you get to go behind where the general public doesn't get to go.  We got to see where the sick and injured animals live and are taken care of and rehabilitated.  You get this up close view of the animals and the people that work with  them.  Then at the end of the tour comes the part where you get to get up close and personal with the whales.  I can remember the butterflies in my stomach I mean come on when you get that close to something so big its something that is unimaginable.  You are given all these rules to stay behind the yellow line, and blah blah blah.  And I always follow the rules, I mean always but the whale was right there , I mean less than arms length away.  And with out another thought I stepped over the line and I touched her head and I looked right into her amazing eyes and for the first time in I don't know how long I felt something.  I felt alive, I felt in that second that she understood everything and time stood still. The peace that I felt was something I will never forget.  I felt more connected to this huge whale than any living breathing person around me.



Then there was the rush of the tour guide, the panic of the trainers NO NO NO stay behind the yellow line.  I looked at them and stepped back but I never heard another sound,all that mattered was that whale and I. There was just an understanding in her eyes.  A compassion a gentleness that I had never ever experienced in my life.  My words can't even totally explain those few moments that I shared with that amazing beautiful creature.  I was in awe.  I wish there was a way to open my heart and you could see and understand what this meant to someone like me. This was EVERYTHING to me.  Kinda sad that at 13 it took a whale for me to connect to something , to give me hope, to give me purpose but it was something that I never had. I will never for a second forget that connection and so my passionate  journey to Save The Whales began.

I went home that summer different than I was when I left.  I connected with that amazing whale and I finally felt like something mattered and I was going to do whatever I could to help keep whales safe .  I read every book possible on them and I learned about other people in the world who loved whales as much as I did like Jacques Cousteau, and Roger Payne.  These people became my hero's and  I found something to care about.   Then I found out about Paul Watson, who is a man that can understand my passion for whales he was one of the founders of Greenpeace but because of his thoughts about direct action he created his own organization: Sea Shepherd.  Which I am of coarse an active member of, an follow each of their campaigns all over the world, whether its sharks, dolphins or tuna.  And just last Tuesday they left for the southern ocean whaling sanctuary to stop the Japanese from their illegal hunting of whales.  I feel a connection to Sea Shepherd they understand the passion of the whales and the beauty that they give us.  So during this season I am always reminded of my first experience with a whale and look forward to the next. I will always look forward to the day I can be on a ship with others that share my passion for whales and we will see them in their ocean home.

This is for the whales.
I heart your heart.

Brick Walls

Bricks walls are not fun when you smash into them.  They are not fun to tear down and they often make a person want to turn away and find an easier route than facing them head on.  I have torn down so many of the brick walls that I have put around myself.  I have destroyed layers of bricks and lies but I am finding that there are a few remaining layers that are proving VERY VERY difficult.  You know a person can destroy the brick wall around them but they also have to remove all that goes with that layer that have their webs deep in their heart , way beyond the wall itself all the way to a persons core .  And that is where I am finding myself.

I find myself at these places where things are smooth and I think things are totally doable and BAM here comes my brick wall.  For me this time its my classes this semester.  I am giving everything I have and more and its not enough.  I have gone into Algebra the last two semesters being so positive knowing that student teaching is waiting for me on the other end and I  am not enough, I simply do not understand the harder I work the more it seems I fail.  And here is where I get stuck and the webs of the walls  I have torn down jump in to tell me I am not smart, not only not smart but pretty stinking stupid, I shouldn't teach and  maybe just maybe I need to think about some other options, I can't tell you the number of times I doubt myself each day that maybe I am not good enough or smart enough to teach....... 

BUT...........

I am so alive in the classroom, I absolutely love it.  I love the look on little faces when they totally understand.  I love the little hug you get when they are so glad you noticed them and their little heart.  I love every minute , I really mean each and every second of the days I am in school I am just beaming.  I love talking about different subjects and getting the kids opinions and thoughts, I love hearing their little voices get so excited sharing stories.  I love the pictures that I don't have a clue what they are but they are just so excited to make something for you.  I love the kid that always gets in trouble and whose smile can totally brighten your day.  I love to take that kid under my wing that doesn't have friends and needs someone to care.  I love that kid that asks questions all the time and just wants to know more.  I love that kid who tries so very hard and struggles still the same.  I love the kid that is so obnoxious you wish they weren't in your class, I love all those kids and I fear that I am never going to get there to be able to have my very own class of kids.

My first class Math for education majors is rough. I am working so so very hard and my best isn't cutting it.  I sit next to the smartest girl in the class who just gets it she doesn't have to think or work hard her brain just works that way.  Poor girl gets stuck next to me and I will get an answer and look at hers and go "How did you get that ?"  And very nicely she will tell me how and it makes sense but I take a test and I don't have a clue. My teacher says if you are not doing well then you have to work harder, study more but with me that's not the case and I don't have a clue what to do.  She laughs and says well Algebra is the reason that a lot of people don't get their degree, and is proud of herself knowing that instead of stepping in to help or offer suggestions.  My second class is Algebra and honestly its awful.  Its worse than a foreign language, its worse than anything I have known in school.  I spend hours I mean like 4 or 5 on one homework assignment, plus time in the lab and there is nothing my brain is fried.  I see the problems then see them on the test and I don't even have a clue where to begin.  

Of coarse all that on top of trying to keep everything up at home and taking care of Vincent and Mariska and everything else that's going on.  I am determined to pass and at this point I don't have a clue how because what I have isn't enough.  There just isn't enough of me and I totally feel like I keep smashing my head on that brick wall and I want to go really who am I kidding ?  Is this possible ?  And I think it has to be I am a single mom , what in the world am I supposed to do with out my degree , live in a van down by the river ?  Its so frustrating, and people have lives and families and its so very hard to ask for help because I feel guilty being stupid and for taking them away from their life and their families.  I should be able to get this, I should be able to at least pass a test and I can't.  I am almost halfway through the semester and have yet to pass a test.  I don't have a clue if I am going to pass either class and it hurts me, because I just want to teach.  I want to make a life for my children and I and I can't do that without passing Algebra or the other class.  So here is to hoping for some kind of miracle for me because I know there are kids for me to teach and to help.  Here's to hoping for the best and smashing this one HUGE brick wall in my life.

Justice .... Is there any here on Earth ?

You know last night I saw the headlines Sandusky to be sentenced tomorrow .  I have to admit there was a moment that my heart sank.  And Today my entire being feels like its been smashed into a brick wall.  Today in this moment  I just wish cases like this didn't exist.  My heart hurts on its own and it hurts for all of those affected, I wish that mean men would just die the second that they even think about commiting such unimaginable crimes.  But what I want and what I think really doesn't matter.  The truth is the crimes that steal childrens innocence happens all the time and more than we would like to think. Men , women and children are hurt by other people day after day so while there is all this attention on Sandusky there are many more mean men that no one will ever hear of.  There are hundreds even millions more victims that will be silent forever.

So they say he will get 30 to 60 years.  30-60 years for stealing souls and destroying lives. When you think ok the man is 68 hopefully he will die in prison alone, is that justice ?  We can lock him up and throw away the key.  Does that really solve anything ?  What does it all mean?  He can be locked up forever but nothing he did changes, no amount of time that he could spend in a little cell can replace all that he took away from those boys that looked up to him.  Locking him away will save future children and for that I am very grateful, but ........  still so many questions so many concerns.


Oh there are so many thoughts in my head and even this many years later the tears keep coming, My thoughts go out to the survivors.  My heart breaks today once again, as the journey of recovery begins for them. I can not tell you specifically how each of these survivors will react , what their life will be like going forward but  I know its a long and winding road and I hope that they find people that are kind and will walk beside them on this road as long as it may be. 

Today for me I am grateful that Sandusky will spend the rest of his life in jail as deserved and there is a part of me that is sad that my case didn't end up like this one.  My father got off on a lesser included offense and got probation.  He couldn't follow the rules and ended up serving close to a year in jail .  I have to say I was relieved when I knew he was in jail and I wished that terrible awful things would happen to him. For a quick second I thought ok this is justice he is going to be hurt like he hurt me... and I don't like that but I felt it and I was glad.  I thought that was going to be the key to make me feel whole, if he could be raped and understand what that was like.

Then I saw his mugshot. 

His gray hair, his thick glasses, he had this aqua blue shirt on, and he looked terrified.  I wish I never saw it, he looked so afriad no it was way more than afraid and I am the one that felt guilty because I was the one who put him there.  I saw him and felt so awful and so guilty and honestly I wanted to crawl out of my skin.  I absolutly hate that I feel anything for him, I wish that I hated him with my entire soul , I hate that I still have any feelings at all for him.  So justice..... is there any ?  I stood up and protected other children and he lives life with a girlfriend in a big house in Missouri ?  And me I am a single mom trying to keep my head above water .  My heart is absolutly broken.  I can say I am healing and I have come a really long way but oh my goodness my poor soul is exhausted. 

Is any amount of time in jail enough ?  Would I feel any different if my father got 60 years ?  I don't think so, nothing would change really  .  I have realized that I am still waiting for some kind of justice, some sense that things can be made right..... I am waiting for the moment when I can put my hands in the air and  close my eyes and spin around in my own skin and feel whole .   You know that Movie The Doctor when she is dancing in the desert and that amazing song is on Strange Angels  .... oh thats what I want, I want that moment.  I want to know that there is purpose and peace for me.  And I have to stop looking for something that I will never find here on earth. 

Today is one of those days where I feel all that there is yet to let go, every bone in my body wants to curl up in a ball and I want to scream at the world to stop, can't mean people just go away can't there just be more kindness.  All the chains that I have let go, I feel them when I hear so many talking about this case.  My heart is heavy and I wish that it wasn't.  My heart is sad and I wish that it wasn't.  I wish I didn't understand the road that those survivors are  beginning.  There has to be a reson why this is still so heavy on my heart, all the work I have done and its still taking its toll.  I worry people will think I am holding on to my past, that I am dwelling on it and that just isn't it, there are things people need to understand about me about others that are like me.   I would love to wipe my hands clean and pretend ok this is just another news story and I can't do that.  I will not do that.  I need to understand what I can do with my story so that it becomes something hopeful! Oh my heavy heart ....someday someday. 

~To all those survivors, I am so very sorry ~ I heart your heart~

The Little Pink Bike

I am not even sure where to begin, but I need to write .  Everything in my world seems upside down, it doesn't just seem it totally is and then I stop and watch my children jumping on the trampoline and all of the sudden everything is ok.  This is what I have always wanted.  Yesterday I finally finished assembling their net so they can use the trampoline and they were so excited so happy.  Vincents was all over the place doing flips and laughing the sun shining on his face.  Miss Mariska would jump like a frog and lay flat on her back exhausted then do it all over again.  Oh the joy that they bring to my heart and I can't imagine my life with out them and I realize that I love the life that I can give them, I love the little things in life that I can give them like joy and kindness.  They get to do the things I never got to do as a child.  They can smile and laugh and have happy hearts.  They don't have to hide, they don't fear the night, they don't cry themselves to sleep at night and all of these things that I can give them make me so very happy.

I can give them all the things I never had, and yet my heart still misses some of those things, some days.  Just every now and then there are those quiet times when I wonder what that would have been like for me.  Sometimes I still wonder what that would be like not be afraid.  To feel listened too, to laugh without worrying that its to loud and going to bother someone.  Its crazy my prayer at 5 was to die , not to have to live through another night and then I hear the prayers of my children for the people around them and for me to pass Algebra, and to save the whales and I am grateful to have made it here.  I make sure every child I am ever around feels that safety and protection that I never had.  And its this month about 12 years ago that I took the ultimate step and pressed charges on my father. 

I can remember finding out that he was going to get remarried and it made me sick and I heard that she had a young daughter.  My heart sank, I wanted to find his house and see if it was true.  So on a rainy cold Saturday morning I was on a mission to find his house. I looked for hours through different neighborhoods and little did I know it was right up the road from me.   I found it, and it was closer than I ever imagined, and as we drove by there was an empty fish tank on the porch then there was this little pink tricycle and my heart broke.  I can still see it so very clear, and it still makes me cry.  My first and only thought was that I had to keep her safe.  Its one thing that he hurt me, its one thing to be abused but to know its happening to someone else, I was NEVER going to let that happen.   I was a rape crisis counselor at the time and I asked the legal advocate what I could do to keep her safe.  Basically my word meant nothing , I could tell the world what he did to me but that still wouldn't keep her safe, so my only option was to report him.  At that moment there was no time to think or even feel I knew that I had to keep her safe, I knew exactly what I had to do.

I was a nanny at the time in Plano and I called the police department in the city that I lived in and said that I needed to press charges on my father and asked what I needed to do.  My voice was shaking, I was so afraid, I was watching it unfold from the outside not really even being in my body.  I remember the receptionist kinda laughing like this was a prank call or something. I wanted to scream at her like she didn't understand the seriousness of what I was wanting to know.  She said well " You will have to come in and file a report ", there was no thoughts I just said thank you hung up the phone and Drove to the police station in The Colony that same night.  As soon as I heard her voice in the Lobby I knew the woman on the phone was the same person I was now face to face with.  I looked at her and said I am here to file a report against my father.  Her jaw dropped,Her smile was gone, she had finally realized this was something serious she told me to take a seat that an officer would be right with me.  It was surreal sitting there. There was all this laughing and commotion then they realize the seriousness of my being there and things changed fast.  I could see different officers keep looking out the window, the glares, the whispers and all I could see was that little pink bike.  I can remember an officer saying well we have to find a female officer, and blah blah blah.  What felt like forever they finally took me back to a room.  They left the door open slightly and I could hear all their comments, and snide remarks  well why is she doing this now ? Is she telling the truth ?  IS she trying to repay him ?  blah blah blah how about you talk to me and find out !  I went there to tell them the truth about my father and to keep little Angela safe and so the journey began .

They finally found a female officer and sent her in, I am not sure she had ever done anything like this before, but then who has right ?  She asked why I wanted to do this and I told her about the bike and me being abused was one thing but someone else I  just couldn't let that happen.  Time was standing still as we talked .  She actually tried to talk me out of it, I was shocked.  She said that she was abused but she forgave the person and everything was ok. I couldn't look at her face, I remember her hands, they were small and she picked at her fingers her cuticles were a mess, kinda funny the things you notice at times like these.  I can remember feeling so very angry like you didn't see that pink bike her innocence is going to be lost and she will never be the same if we can't keep her safe.   So she came in with her paperwork and they ask their questions you have to tell them all that was done and where and how and how many times.  They have to ask you such awful questions and like a robot I answered them all and she wrote the details of my life from 5 to 13.  Then she said I would need to write a statement.  I was numb, my only thoughts were that pink bike and keeping her safe.  I could hear them talking about me in the hall, and I started to cry, but only a little I had a job to do, I didn't matter, I just had to write it all down, so they could understand and do something to keep little Angela safe.  I was there for what felt like forever. I had gotten more awful stares and whispers that I could have ever imagine but I had finally done something to make sure that no other little girl would be hurt by my father.  The police Officer said that a detective would get in touch with me soon and that she hoped this is what I really wanted to do that I had time to basically cancel my report.  I said thank you and left the police station. I was so alone and so afraid, I just wanted to keep her safe it was too late for me, I was already broken but maybe just maybe I could save her and someday she would understand that I did everything I could for her.  

So the very next day I get the call from my detective. Det. Chris Plemmons.  My heart was pounding out of my chest, I didn't know what he would want, if I could say all the things that needed to be said and his first words to me "  How are you doing ?"  I was shocked he wasn't at all like the police officers from the night before he was kind and caring and I didn't have a clue how I was doing but I knew that someone cared enough to ask.   He was the only reason I made it through my case.  He is now a captain but to me in my heart he is my Det. Plemmons. And I will always heart his heart.

I am so very glad that I pressed Charges for Angela, I loved her from the moment that I saw that little pink bike.  Today she is in High school and has had a few rough spots but she didn't have to grow up with my father.  I testified for her and that was the hardest thing I have ever done but I would do it all over again to keep her safe.  For me I don't know, that time was so hard and it still hurts.  I was working as a nanny full time, going to school full time it was my first semester at UNT , life was crazy.  But I did what I wanted to do, I was able to help keep her safe.  People have said well you made the choice to press charges , but for me there was no choice it was just the right thing to do.

I sometimes feel guilty that I accepted a plea, after almost 2 years I was so exhausted, and I just couldn't do it anymore on my own.  There just wasn't enough of me.  I remember the DA showing me the courtroom and where everyone would be sitting and the fear, the sadness was huge.  During the whole process it was about keeping Angela safe but what about me ?  I never once thought of me until the I saw that witness stand.

I hope when my children learn this story some day that they will be proud.  I hope they can understand that I did all that I could and I hope from the very bottom of my heart they know that I will protect and keep them safe with all that I am and all I will ever be.

Things yet to work on HA imagine that. Welcome to my life, but those that have helped along the way, I am grateful. If anyone even reads this I am grateful.  I feel those days, those moments in the police station still in my heart but someday I won't.  I will remember the feelings but it won't be like being in that room .  So yesterday as I sat watching my children I think, wow look how far my life has come, and at least I can give what I never got. 

Welcome to ME

Well, A few months back I asked what people thought about me writing blog.  Well TaDa ! Here it is , your doing cartwheels now right ? ok so you are not, thats ok.  I am not a great writer but there are so many things in my heart and in my head that need to be shared.   I promise that I don't have any great advise or anything but there is just so much for me to say. Kinda funny starting it now when there are so many things up in the air for me but if I wait until everything is perfect, everything is in its place and I find all the answers I am looking for then it will never happen. So Welcome to my heart. And since the is my very first blog, make a wish.  Because the first time you do something you always have to        make a wish.  So close your eyes take a second and make that wish.

I totally understand that I am weird and I see things different but I hope that maybe my writing will at least make people think.  I don't fit in many places, or with many people,  I am kinda a dork, I have this crazy passion for whales, I am not the life of the party, I am not a big person for groups but thats me. I was never the popular one, I was the one always wanting to just fade in. I am totally a crier, I cry all the time and wonder sometimes if thats my normal state or maybe just the tears I have never cried, still trying to figure that out.  My entire life I have tried to change how I see things, how I view the world around me and its really only brought stress and anxiety and made me feel more alone.   I keep trying to make myself fit into some kind of Normal that I know nothing about.  Growing up the way that I did, was truly crazy making and its a miracle , I mean truly and honestly  a miracle that I am the person I am today.  I praubably shouldn't even be alive but I am ; I am still  breathing, and I have a heart that is healing.  It may take me a very long time to say that I am truly healed but I believe that I am on the right track and moving forward.

I have come a really long way in the past two years and I often forget just how far that I have come.  Things happen and I feel a certain way and I get so angry that my heart still hurts, that I can't stop crying.  My life is what it is and some days that is easier to accept than others.  I am  pretty much an open book, I am so tired of hiding of keepings things quiet.  There are a lot of reasons why I do some of the crazy things I do.  I must warn you my life isn't pretty so in reading this you may find out things that you don't like or don't want to know and thats ok then just don't read it.  This is as real as life gets. This is about my story and how I have gotten where I am today.

There is this story that got me through my early twenties in a Book named Peace is every Step by a Buddist monk : Thich Nach Hahn.  Oh that book kept me going kept me connected to life and made me believe that things were going to be ok.  The story in it about a dandylion. It gave me hope  and literally kept me sane.

I have lost my smile
but don't worry.
the dandelion has it.

 

Its like even if you are able to see the small things in life, even if you can see that the dandelion is holding it for you then there is hope and things are not so bad.  All through my life there were things I was given to help me hold on to make it through another day.  Today I still totally love that story and it warms my heart.  I will always notice the dandelions around me.  Today I have people in my life that are my dandelions and all I have to say is that I heart your heart and am grateful.

So here is about me, my story my craziness but oh how I wish it makes you think and that you listen to your heart....