Who ME Antisocial ??

Well I have to say I was a little worried going to my brothers for Thanksgiving.  He has always been the outgoing one lots of friends all the time, he always knew everyone.  And the more we talked about Thanksgiving, the more nervous that I got.  He was talking about all these people that were going to be there for dinner, and I didn't know any of them.  There were my brothers girlfriends parents and her sister, a few people  that he works with and I was well I was scared.

I have been the one who wants to fade into the background my entire life,  I was never the party girl, never the anything girl really I would just watch and make sure that everything around me was OK.  I have been like that my entire life, I mean literally from as far back as I can remember.  I never had many friends, never was the outgoing social person that others sometimes wanted me to be.  Part of that is just how I grew up but I really think that another part of it , is because that's just who I am.

It was the day after thanksgiving and my brother said what a great day it was that he was worried how I would be around all these people and that he was glad I even talked to some of the people and was "Social".  And I jokingly said yea me your antisocial sister interacting and it was made into a joke , but it was one of those jokes that stings your heart though. I know that I am not the most social person but I try really hard. I always worry that I will say something stupid and look like an idiot, I worry that people won't understand , I worry that people won't want to listen.  I worry that honestly I will be a pest.  So it becomes easier to smile and watch others and make sure that everything is OK..

So his comment had me thinking, I can remember being called a snob in high school for not talking to people and it wasn't that I didn't have anything to say,  it was the thought in my head well who is going to want to listen anyway.  I know even times I have gone out to dinner with friends and there are so many things to say in my head its hard just to talk about the normal everyday things .  I am probably sounding pretty crazy right now, but I promise I am not.  I dread that time in church when they say greet someone , that sinking in my chest, and I find something that needs my attention in my purse.  I hate the first day of classes in school   , not knowing who will be in your class and on and on.

Its kinda funny I am more social now than I have ever been.  I remember walking into James and Amy Wiebe's for the first time for life group.  I honestly had a panic attach and it was worse when Matt Poe asked so tell us about you !  That is a post for later but that was super super hard for me but its gets hard always making sure that others are OK, or worrying how they will take what you say and that doesn't mean I don't love it, just sometimes there are SOOOO many things that I want or need to say and don't. So I honestly don't mean to be anti-social but maybe that's just part of who I am.  Its crazy life group had started again and its bigger than before more people more families and as much as I love it it still scares me to death.  So I know I am socially awkward,  I know that I think different, I view the world different but I promise that I am not being a snob, or not wanting to be involved I am just being me.

I heart your heart my friends who can accept my weirdness , I love you.