Worth

Worth.....This is how mine started.

This is big, really big. When your woth starts like this, it takes time to recover; to believe something different, when this is all you have known. I was never given any worth from the earliest that I can remember, I was given the exact opposite. When you think of worth, what do you think of what value do we place on things ? DO we all have worth? Are we born with worth ? Do we ourselves have worth just because we are living and breathing? Our children, without a doubt I see their worth, I knew their worth when I was pregnant with them. The things that we value the materiel things that we have do those things have worth ? What is worth time and energy ? What worth do I have?  Am I only worth something if I am doing something for you?  So the word is Worth and its something I have a very hard time with. And this past week, its been staring me in the face and it is not comfortable.

When a person grows up like I did, I had no inherent worth. I was not worth two cents, I wasn't worth the dirt under your feet. I had to always prove myself, do more talk less, be seen and definitely not heard. I was not worth anyone's time, anyone's attention anyone's anything. Even when people noticed things or saw things were not right I didn't even have enough worth for them to do anything. And how that affects a life is forever and HUGE. When people start telling you that yes you are worth a lot, and you were always worth a lot and that people should have shown you that. Its is a shock it is a reality that you have never before in your life experienced. I was in my thirties before I even thought about that, that is how deep it goes.

Kind of funny I find myself writing this not using first person and when I try to it is more than difficult, it becomes real and it hurts. I am not sure that I believe I have worth a good part of the time. Those old tapes in my head that if I am not making someone happy, being useful in some way, being productive than I am in no way worth anything. Believing that I have worth or am worthy of even the simplest things, like a hug is hard for me to sit with, and close to impossible to believe , I often say that I need a bat for things to sink in with me.

When One person started talking about my worth some years ago, it was completely foreign and more than difficult. I had worth just because of the fact that I was born ? What and what are you smoking ? You are out of your mind. It left me puzzled, and shocked , its  not something that I automatically understand for myself. As a teacher as a mom as a friend, The people that I interact with I can see that they have worth because very simply they just do. Most people are worthy of the good things in life and deserve all those good things.  I was never taught that for myself, never shown that.

For me things were all turned around and I became a victim so early on that I believed there was no worth to my life I was good for what my father needed. I didn't make anyone happy, I didn't make anyone smile, I was good for nothing but giving him what he wanted. And for my mother I was good to keep secrets and pretend that we are a family and that things were all fine.

Today I am older I don't believe all of the things that I once did but worth is a struggle. When I truly need something it is more than difficult for me to accept that I have a need and even more difficult to accept help. I want so much to be so strong and be able to do it all on my own and yea that doesn't always work.

In the last week, I have been blessed beyond my wildest dreams, given gifts that I am in awe of and my heart is more than excited, its literally busting rainbows!!!  My heart is more than scared because I am not sure that I can prove that I am worth such gifts, yea now that is a bind ! It is such a struggle in my head. My heart is more than grateful and I have to practice that saying yes I will accept that and be grateful. Not accepting and saying but you shouldn't but why me, but…. but…. BUT.....No none of that. And believe me I could come up with many many reasons.

Getting a new car is something more than huge, and the thoughts in my head, I don't deserve this car, it is more than overwhelming. I am more than overwhelmed and completely excited, this is something I would never have the chance to own. I mean I have not been given enough value in the past, to deserve nice good things in life. And I have seen that proved by my family. So when I truly start to believe that I do have worth and they treat me as if I don't, its hard to separate in my mind . With my old van for example. I could write about all the many things that don't exactly work correctly, with broken windows, radio is temperamental, A/C goes mostly on, the broken side mirror that I glued, the passenger door that just doesn't work anymore, there are a lot of things but that is the kind of car that I deserve. Those are the kinds of things that just happen that I just have to get used to, things not worth fixing, that was the message that I often got. Having a new absolutely amazing car, as wonderful as it is, I struggle that I am worth such a gift. I struggle that its too perfect for someone who is so unworthy. That is the exact thought, I know its crazy, I hear its wrong but that is where my heart is.

Being invited for Thanksgiving is such a blessing. Such an amazing dream.   When you don't have family and someone invites you to be with theirs that is huge. And again the gift in that is mind-blowing for someone like me. For someone to want to be with my crazy weird self, that is kind of unheard of in my world. There is such an excitement because these are the people that I love most in this world. It is just one of those things, and that I am still cared for and thought of, I can not begin to tell you what that means to this heart of mine. Its more than grateful, its something heaven sent and that is exactly what it is, its my very own little miracle for this often rough life of mine.

I am having to learn and accept that I do have value, that I am worthy of kindness and respect and I am worthy of those things regardless of the past that I have had. I have accepted the invitation for Thanksgiving, and the gift of such an amazing car !!!! ( Doing cartwheels) Yea that might take awhile to set in, YEARS to set in....but I am working really hard, really trying. That even in my weirdness people want me around, that even not having a job right now, I am still worthy. That It is ok receiving a gift from someone's heart, because that’s just it; its their kind heart. And I am worth kindness, I am worth loving even on my not so great days. Even on the days when all I do is breathe.

Life is strange, and for me life is looking better. I am figuring things out. I am learning to live. Life is moving on , I am still fighting , but I am winning. Well mostly winning and that is a good place to be.

I heart your heart.

 

The things that bring you together or Don't but should

I was watching a video and in it they said that since going through their own tragedy that it brought their family closer that they learned to truly enjoy each other and their family. And that hit me really hard. Because I miss my family, or the idea of what my family is supposed to be and I just need to cut the strings. The big things in my family did almost the exact opposite. Like when I pressed charges on my father, when I had the kids, and when I graduated. Those are things that should bring people closer! You would think there would be a lot of support and kindness and for me there wasn't, EVER. My grandmother was living with us, when I pressed charges and the stares that I got from her were so cold and mean, and not once did she ever talk to me about it. The night I told my mother that my father had abused me we were on our way home from the movies and it was late it was storming outside she said that she couldn't believe that he hurt his own brother. There was that deafening silence then I said that he wasn't the only one and she pulled into a church parking lot and she cried. I don't remember what she said, she gave me a hug but it was like there was a wall it was for her not for me. I just remember watching the windshield wipers as the rain fell. I only told her because I knew that the detective was going to be contacting her about my case and any information that she might have. She sent me flowers the next day they were beautiful but there was nothing for my heart. I tried to talk to my brother, and he kind of laughed, He said "well you can't press charges on someone for being an ass-hole" and he walked away. That was all that was ever said. I went through the entire court system on my own. I was more than terrified, I was more than grateful for my detective, but he wasn't my family. I wanted my family to be with me and support me and I think they thought is was stupid. My mother never asked about what happened to me, she didn't ask anything, she was in her own world. Once when we were all sitting in the Da's office getting ready for trial and the questions that they had to ask, that I had to answer were devastating and not one of them said a word. My mother and my brother sat there in their own world. I was more than embarrassed, and wanted to scream at the same time, while shaking someone ;did you hear what she just asked me? Did you just hear what he did to me? Do you even care that that happened to me, your daughter by YOUR husband? When it was all over and I finally said take a plea I just want it over, my brother was laying on the floor watching TV, and said nothing. My mother gave me a hug and said aren't you glad it's all over. That was it. I don't remember what the rest of the day was like, but I am sure that my heart was broken.  It was one of those moments where time stands still and it feels like everything is moving all around you, but your world has stopped. It was over but nothing was really changed.
 

I think it was my second or third trip and this time I went to Boston on my own, and this time I had to testify, it was unimaginable and terrifying. I wanted to crawl in a hole, I took medicine to calm my heart and there weren't even any tears I just wanted to be back home. I remember my mom picking me up at the airport, and there was a distance she could not understand the trip that I just survived. We never talked about it she never asked. I just talked a little about Ruth, and my disbelief in her lack of caring. Then nothing, but silence. I was on my own. Totally on my own.

So fast-forward a year or so, I was trying to keep up appearances, but I was completely a mess, life was falling apart at the seams and no one was noticing. And I got pregnant with Vincent and Mariska and the hurtful comments never stopped. Cruel things that should never be said were spoken and they hurt. Digs at me at my children that cut to my core, and she said well I know you got pregnant on purpose. She had no clue and again never cared to ask questions. I had learned not to give information, it only made things worse and I wasn't listened to anyway. My brother was angry, just more of the same self centeredness I got from them most of my life. It was so sad.

It was thanksgiving when she said that we could stay, that we could have more than half a room, the kids and I. Then it was December when we found out that I was going to have twins. For a time we were a family, things were good. When I depended on her for everything, when I couldn't meet my own needs things were fine. As they got older as I grew stronger things were not the same. I am not sure if things were always unhealthy or if I was just noticing things but either way it happened. We were in the way, our hearts didn't matter, we took up too much space, we were a burden and my breathing bothered her. It happened so quickly, with in a year things had done a complete 180. Until my heart was so hurt, there was no going back. I lost myself for a short time trying to make everything perfect, trying to keep our things out of her way, still nothing worked, and nothing made it better. I found an email that was written and it was the beginning if the end, I couldn't be hurt anymore, I was working so so so so hard trying to finish school, take care of my heart, care for my children, and the bond was shattered, there was absolutely nothing left once words are on paper that call you names, that damage your spirit. There just is no going back, the damage is done. She wiped her hands and tries to pretend that all is well.

Then I was given such gift that got me out of that situation that allowed my heart to heal. And still there was so much hurt, trips that my brother made never letting me know that he was here, Him changing his number not telling me, and then I stopped hearing from him all together. Trips were made to Victoria and we were not invited, my mother went there for Holidays and there was the hurried conversations realizing that she was there and he didn't say a word. Trips to the state fair and the kids were shown pictures look where we went and they were not invited. That was what the relationships had become, and it made me sad.

I think I thought that maybe graduation would be different; I wanted things to be the way that they once were. A way that I know is gone but still hoped for. And they showed up for my graduation my mother and my brother and it only made me sad because it just did. And people have pictures with their families their parents and I didn't. Not my blood Family and that was sad, more than sad. Maybe graduation would bring us together, it didn't. My brother didn't even show up the next day for my party. No going out to lunch no conversation nothing, and for a second it killed me, it was a realization that I didn't even have my brother, the last family that I had, that I was holding onto. My graduation party was amazing , the best part was when everyone was sitting, talking, relaxing when my favorite people were there and I was there in that moment all of me and that might have been one of the best feelings ever. This was one of the best times EVER, it was safe and peaceful and my heart was more than happy. All I ever needed and wanted was right there in that room.

I realized and am realizing the people that I had pictures with were my family were the most important people in my life, People came from far away just for me, and that made my heart so very happy. The people that were there for me, I still think about that night and my heart smiles I took in every second, I had made it. And as much as those people were there for me that I call my family, they have their own family they all have people to go back too. For me they are it, there is no going back to anything and that is the part that is so very difficult that I have to try and figure out .

In this place that I am in I have to learn that what I have is ok, that the time that I have with my people is precious and I hold on to that. I am grateful for my people, more grateful than any words could ever express. I have to let go of what I wish was and hold on to what I have here and now and that is hard. As happy and as good as those people are there is a sting that just is when your family isn't there as they should be to hold your heart.

And I have to say that the holidays are coming and there is no family to go to, no road trip to the boonies this year I am going to have to make new traditions for the kids and I, things that I will create for our family. And I am excited about that, but my heart still stings, and I am not quite sure what to do with that. I know that I can make a turkey, and its edible and really good, we will make fruit cocktail , and enjoy the holidays being a family, together. So I am going to do that for us and take things as they come, no matter what exactly that might look like. The things that should have brought my family together haven't, and the people who have families already have been my family and that is well worth holding onto even if they are not mine. So what these next months bring, I don't have a clue but I am all in, holding on. So they say when one door closes another opens RIGHT??

I heart your heart

Burden ..It's on US

So this is more than BIG. I am not a Burden, I have a burden. What ? What do you mean I am not a burden ? That it wasn't meant for me to carry alone ?? This...wow....THIS. I have written it down and read it over and over trying to figure out how this fits into my brain Now that is one tangled mess in my life that's for sure. I am not sure that i know how to untangle the two. Having a burden and being a burden are in my book the same thing. My entire life I have felt like a burden, my entire life I have been a bother a pest, a problem. I was not supposed to need or want anything. I was supposed to be seen and not heard, I was supposed to shut up and just do what I was told. It was like that my whole entire life. Needing or wanting anything was seen as a major problem, I was taking too much time. I don't remember a time when I didn't feel like a burden. Even being so little I remember feeling like I was a bother and a Burden even to my mother. All that mattered was my father and what he wanted. And I can remember times when I needed her so much and she just wasn't there. What I wanted, yes EVEN NEEDED as a little girl didn't matter. I was always a bother, my needs didn't matter, EVER. I can remember saying to my mom once when we dropped my father off at the air port that I wish that it was just her and I, her reply said it all "but we are a family". I had little braids, I was sitting in the front seat of the car. I was so little and i knew that nothing was going to stop, nothing was going to change. He was the only thing that mattered his needs, wants and feelings those were what mattered. So today that is a struggle, its been a struggle for some time, that its ok to need something, that its ok to need other people that its ok that I can not possibly carry all that has happened to me on my own, that is big. Because all of my life that is what was expected. Just keep moving and keep carrying all the things that had happened , just do what you have to do to make it . Even when my burden got to heavy and I reached out for help, and to the right people, counselors, youth group leader still I was made to carry that burden alone, no one stepped up NOT ONE PERSON. And that is the worst feeling. I knew just how awful that things were, I couldn't keep quiet anymore so I opened my mouth, I tried to ask for help....And people ignored, people told lies, people didn't want to believe that I was telling the truth. It was easier for people to point fingers at me. To blame me, to say that I was lying than to address the problem and help me. Oh I was screaming out for help and was only let down. So many people that were authority figures, that could have done something just did not and I was the one to pay the price. With that I came to believe that I was the burden, I was the one who was a problem, who had the problem and who had to take care of things on my own.

I can remember talking about Bella for the first time. I was 17, I think. It was in a little Bar in Germany the Crone I think it was. And I talked about her I cried, it was dark, candles were lit and I opened my heart. I had not felt anything in a long time. And I think for the first time ever I was listened to, I was comforted. And even though I didn't have that all the time, I had those moments in Germany and that meant the world. I am not even sure if he remembers, but it meant oh so much to my hurting heart. I missed her, and I was more than sorry. Someone listened and was sorry too. I needed that comforting, I needed to be listened to and until that time no one listened. Not a real live human, I had the whales at 13 but human kindness is something that I craved, that I longed for that I think, I still long for a lot of the time, and it's more than hard to accept.

I was in my thirties until I truly felt that I wasn't a burden to people but it was a feeling that I would feel for a flash then it would quickly disappear. Because I have to fight the feeling of being a burden ALL THE TIME. I was taught that I was always a bother and a pest, so when someone says no you are not, that the things you wanted were normal things, that someone should have done things different that is more than hard to accept and harder for my brain to understand. Even today when I need something I feel needy and useless and I have to remind myself that is the old, having a need doesn't make me needy. But its so strong, and so uncomfortable I try to need nothing. I feel like all the things in my life have made me needy and sometimes that need is so great, that it is unbearable. Its so frustrating the bind that people like me are in. We want to share and be a part. We want to be a part of the group but our Burdens are heavy, and I have not quite figured out how to balance the Burden and the neediness, and wanting someone to be close.

There are all these campaigns out, saying women should not walk alone in the suffering, we should all stand up together, we should all do some thing and those are all just words until something happens close to you in your own backyard and then it becomes personal. And then others begin to ignore. So we say to people speak out, speak the truth and yet most people are not ready to hear it. Most people are not ready to help you carry that burden, that you never asked for but now have to carry. I think people mean well, but they don't know what to do. I can tell you something is better than nothing, a kind smile is better than silence, I note to say hello is better than ignoring. We have to be careful be selective. We have to judge if our story is ok or if our story is off limits.

So the things that have happened to me are a major burden that I will deal with all the days of my life. And I have had some that have helped carry my pain and lessen the burden. I have had some run as fast as they could. So I have to learn that I am NOT a burden. I have a burden and its ok, to let others help. I don't have to carry this all on my own. So I think for many others this is an important truth to come to understand. Many of us feel as if we are a burden because the need in our heart for the things that we should have had all along, but didn't get is huge beyond belief. We are always hoping for relief....ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS.  

 I heart your heart and hope you have help in your Burdens, we were not meant to carry them alone. <3

When I get to Heaven

So a few weeks ago I was asked what I thought God would say to me when I got to heaven. I was caught more than a little off guard, I didn't have a clue. My first thought was that I would fall to the ground and I would cry and cry and cry. My next thought was well is my father going to be there ? If he is there I am out! The people who have hurt me to my very soul, will they be there ? because in all honesty if they are all going to be there forget it. Forget it no thank you. Heaven is supposed to be a safe place, a place where all the things that were wrong here on earth, don't hurt anymore. Heaven is the safest of the safest places. My heart would not be safe with those men in Heaven. I just have not been able to get this thought out of my head. What would God say to me when I get to heaven. I have asked a few people and their responses made me cry, they were so real so heartfelt and I think that I feel there is a part of me, or ok maybe all of me that doesn't deserve that kindness, that can not imagine that kind of unconditional love. I have not been totally accepting and I have more than enough doubt to go around. I have this crazy relationship with God, I see him I believe in him. But he is way over there and I am way over here. Its kind of like we are sitting on the same couch, but are miles apart. That is exactly how I picture it in my head.

You know the scene, you walk into an office and scope out the seats, who looks the least scary, and then you see it, the couch that no one else is sitting on. So you sit down and check out your surroundings. The door opens in walks that "person" there will always be that person that with all the other seats In the room they of coarse sit next to you on the couch that has now shrunk at least 10 times the size that it was before. And you start to sweat and you smile and try not to be totally annoyed, as you look around at ALL THE EMPTY SEATS and yet ….the choice is made and this person sits next to you. And the thought totally crosses my mind to move to the other side of the room for a little more personal space but of coarse, I don't want to seem rude. So I uncomfortably sit and wait. You acknowledge that he is there, you see them believe they are there but you don't really want to be their best friend or anything. Well that right there is God and I sitting on the same couch. I feel as though there are times, he ever so gently nudges me and I acknowledge him, I see him but I am sure not going to scoot over and have a conversation. I feel like he is there waiting for me and I just am not ready to scoot over. I am not ready to hear, I have always been there, I am not ready to express the anger that is inside, thanks for showing up where were you those first 30 something years!!!!  I am not ready to share my heart and trust that it will be cared for .

So yesterday while I was writing an Email it came to me clear as crystal, what I want to hear : I am so very sorry Sherri, things were so hard, so very sorry but I am here and you are safe and sound now. You will never be hurt again. Let's go meet Bella.

That is what I want to hear that he is sorry for all the things that have happened, but that I am finally safe and can't be hurt ever again. That is it, that is it completely.

And I think sometimes that is what I am waiting for. I can't get closer on the couch just yet, because I just can't have my heart broken again or anymore and until someone can make that promise I will be guarded. There are times I feel myself getting closer but I am scared to death. I have given my whole heart and it was not cared for, not remembered, not seen. Its going to take time to get there again.  I am taking the right steps, I am just vey very careful.

So I do know the things that I want to hear, I know that I have a long way to go before we will be friends on the couch and not strangers. I am working on it, harder than you can imagine, but just like all things they take time with me and I am really truly trying.

I heart your heart.