This day I will have

Well this month there are a million and one things that are running through my mind.  I am trying to juggle everything and many days it just IS NOT working. I cried all the way home from school the other night, I just want to do it right, make all the right decisions.  This is just a rough time.  Its the end of a semester, beginning of school, End of Summer, Starting of student teaching, Mariska's surgery.  Its a LOT LOT LOT a whole lot in itself.  Then there is the month....This is August.  Soon it will be the 22 of the month, and my heart is heavy but so hopeful .

These are more for Vincent and Mariska , so they know how very much they are loved.  From the moment that I found out I was pregnant the joy, the love, the excitement was something more than amazing.  Oh I was so sick, I had morning sickness morning , noon, and night.  I can remember standing in line in wal-mart for saltines and ginger ale and I was just dying for someone to ask if I was expecting. Of coarse you couldn't tell yet ,at two weeks along,  but oh I was beaming.  It was one of those moments that you just don't forget.  I stood there in line, smiling from ear to ear I was going to be a mom, and there was nothing better.  I remember the isle, everything, it was like everything was in slow motion, and I felt my belly and I remember thinking, this is real I am going to be a mom, I have a wonderful amazing baby ( babies) in me.  I would always have my hand on my belly and talk to them, there was not one moment I was sad, or disappointed.  There were times I worried that I wouldn't be a good enough mom, and keep you safe, make all the right choices , but the excitement was always always there.  But the love, the pure love that I felt from the time they were little apple seeds in my womb was something amazing. 

Nothing else mattered in life I had Vincent and Mariska and I was going to keep them safe, I was going to make sure that they lived life and had a blast.  I was going to teach them kindness and show them love that they would never doubt.  As they are growing up, I know that I have not missed a second of their lives.  And as they start the fourth grade next week I am more than excited that my classes don't start until Wednesday so I get to pick them up from school. WOOHOO those first days of school are crazy, and so very long ! I think that is the LONGEST DAY OF THE YEAR, really it is !

As they are growing up, the one thing I fear is their questions.  Up until now its been OK for them, they don't have a dad and their mom just dropped two eggs (that always makes me smile).  I do not want to lie to them, and at the same time I don't want them to know the truth either. Not true I want them to know the truth but not the ugliness.  I don't want them to think differently of themselves, I don't want them to think differently of me.  I worry about their tender little hearts.  I know that I have to be strong for them and I usually am but this time of the year there is an ache .  A deep ache for my sweet amazing precious children.  I wish that I could give them a love story about their parents but I can't.  I have always wanted that family picture kind dad Mary Poppins mom and two amazing, kind children that sparkle in life. I have to realize though that I can't give them perfect, but there are some really amazing things that I can give them. I DREAD the day I have to tell them what happened, I don't know how the words are even going to form in my mouth.  But with all that I have I will, I will find just the right soft words for them to help them understand.  I will gently hold their heart answer their questions, and help them understand. I will look into their eyes, hold their hands and tell them the joy, and love and happiness that they brought to my life each and every second.  I want to tell them the stories of sitting in the rocking chair talking to them until I fell asleep. How I would sit and listen to their hearts on a little monitir. How they would usually wake up at 4 am kicking and flipping around, almost like clockwork ! So we, all three of us would be awake and I would just smile, patting my big old belly talking to you, then we would all go back to sleep.  The moment of being in the mall and seeing Santa and crying because I was getting to be their mom. All the Dr appointments and sonograms getting to see them and being oh so excited.  I can't wait to tell them about the Dr saying "you're still smiling" when my huge belly was already measuring 40' and I wasn't sleeping or eating anymore, and I would say well of coarse, why wouldn't I be smiling ? From the moment I knew I was pregnant, I never knew such Joy, nothing else mattered, NOTHING. I never in my life took better care of myself, the huge prenatal vitamins, eating, I never ate more vegetables, no caffeine, I did all the right things.  They were my babies and were the most precious, amazing little ones that made my heart sing. I will tell them about feeling them move for the first time while seeing Christmas lights.  About finding out there was Vincent AND  Mariska, it was so awesome !  Those are the moments that I want them to remember and share .

So as tomorrow comes, there is a sad in my heart that such things have to happen, that they happened to me but I am more than blessed. I do not know how to answer their questions, but I will find just the right words to help them understand.  I want tomorrow to be about the joy that I was given in my children. We will laugh and pack and talk about all the great things in our future  I was meant to be their mom, I know that with all that I am. I don't have the perfect fairy tale story, but I have our story.  And that is something more than miraculous. I have never known such love.

      I heart your hear Mariska Anne and Vincent Guy, Momma loves you more, I promise.

December 8, 2011.  It's TWINS.  

What do you do ??

 I have been writing for a few hours and I keep writing and keep erasing and write then erase some more and what I want to say just isn't coming out.  So many things to say. My heart is weary.  I have had some huge blessings over these last few weeks, and it has been more than amazing.  Truly miraculous things have happened and I am more than grateful.  This road that is my life is crazy, crazy, crazy ! 

I have desperatly tried to understand this life and there just is no making sense of it.  It is what it is these cards that I have been dealt.  I was talking with a friend and she kept saying we'll figure it out as we go.  As things come you do what you do and you do figure it out.  Every day is new territory for me trying to figure things out.  I may be 38 in years but in life I am a lot younger and living in that is difficult.  You know when you are a teenager and you are seperating and trying things out, I never got the chance to do those things.

I don't have a clue how to get out what is in this heart.  But I am sad.  Sad that I am not wanted in my mothers house.  Sad that she doesn't understand me.  Sad that she doesn't care, sad that she is not kind to my children. Sad that she is all into her church yet treats those under her roof the way that she does.  The blessings that I have received these last few weeks , are so very wonderful. There is a part of me that thinks I should be jumping around doing cartwheels already !!!  Really I should! I just want, I need a constant, there is an ache that I need caring and understanding.  I want to know that someone is there, I want to know that no matter what decision that I make, I will still be loved.

It has been a very rough week.  I went to put the iron away and I saw an email that one of my mothers church friends or I guess so called church friends wrote; and it crushed me.  I don't snoop and only noticed it because of my name and the kids.  And it totally destroyed what little I was holding onto. I have known for some time she (my mother) doesn't like me but to see it spelled out so clear......well its indescribable really. There are no words to make you understand the way we have been treated.  We are not respected or liked and that shows in every way, everyday.  You ask how I am I say fine because really, honestly you don't want to know.  Here is the email....the words that were used...... It went like this :



I understand that these were another women's words but that didn't stop the hurt.  I am sure that things were said to make her think those things and honestly, I took them all very personally.  I hate that, this woman thinks I am those things with out even knowing me.  I hate that I don't get to explain to her what things are like now, living under "her" roof.  There is no chance to defend myself and make anyone understand how hard I am working.  This email is crushing, absolutly crushing.  And this is the attitude that I have lived under, even if they were another persons words.
 
I always knew and understood that I had a monster for a father that was a given in my life. But At least there was a mom.  She may have not been there all the time or done the things that I would have liked, but she cared.  I guess maybe a year and a half ago that changed and what does a person do with that ? What does a person do when the one thing that was constant does a complete 360 and could care less ???  What does a person do ?

So who do I ask the important questions I have ?  How do I explain the change to my children ?  How do I do this ?  When something big happens there is no one to call , no one to share with , what does a person do ?  When the tears don't stop and you want to be held what do you do ?  When your daughter has to have surgery and it scares you to death what do you do ?  When you have to make a 63 to pass your class and you get a shoulder shrug what do you do ?  When financial aid is denied and you don't know what to do ?  Who am I suppossed to ask these questions ?  When you get money and don't have a clue what the right thing to do is ?  When you need advise about school, kids, dinner or even buying a house who in the world am I suppossed to ask ?? There is no family, no constant to ask , what does a person do ?

I am really kinda used to doing things on my own I have alwyas done it but why is this so different ?!?!  The way that my mother has treated me and my family for over a year is so hurtful and I don't understand.  I am working the hardest I have ever worked, doing everything that I am suppossed to.  Caring for my children finishing school, I mean I am struggling pushing through figuring everything out.  I know there must be people alone in the wolrd, that are in the same situation and I wonder what in the world do you do ?

The tears started this afternoon with Vincent.  I was making lunch getting ready to do some homework.  He asked me "Mom do you remember when we were going to make the garage your room then Mariska and I would have our own room.  And we were going to have a pool in the back yard ? And it was ok that our pictures were on the wall, and that all the laundry wasn't folded ? What happened to all that mom ?"  And the tears.....yea I know sweet Vincent and I don't have an answer.  Those were the things we had planned. I am so very sorry.

As I look forward, moving is soon, and I am more than blessed to have such a gift. I am excited to start another new chapter, and scared out of my mind !  Because more than anything its coming to survival mode.  I wish it was under different circumstances, I wish I didn't have so many questions.  I wish there was even a little more constant.  I wish there wasn't despearation in my heart. Between now and the move it will be hard, but peace will come, I have to believe it will come.

An Import

Today I am in a much different place than I was a year ago.  I wanted to get this here on my blog, since it was just a facebook note before. So I guess you could say this is a type of import. Each year around this date Aug 22 I am going to write my thoughts and feelings and where my heart is surrounding that day. But as time goes its about not just my heart but also Vincent and Mariska's heart, as they get older and come to understand me as their mom. There is not any less brokenness its just different.  I am not in a place today of trusting God and believing like I did last year.  I still believe but I don't feel like I am growing in faith like I once was. I don't have people around to help me understand, there is no support.  I am in a place where  I have joy in my children each and every day.  I love them more than life, and am grateful to be their mother.  We are moving forward and excited to be in our own home. Student teaching is around the corner and dreams will be coming true.  So this is what I wrote last year, this year it will be different, as every year that follows.  I kinda laugh at one of the first lines "I have people that I don't want to hide from", no this year its just me. There just are no people, amazing how a year changes so many things. So this was last years and This years will come soon enough.

Have the day you have with a broken but grateful heart.

I want to be this strong person that isn't affected by my life. But the truth is I am very affected every day through the smiling and laughing. I usually hide away and cry this time of year but this year its different and I have people that I don't want to hide from . I have people that care and crazy as it is people that even WANT me around. Talk about a foreign idea !! Every year Aug 22 is kinda a bad day but more than a blessing. A day that ALSO breaks my heart and gives me the most joy I ever imagined. 9 years ago on this day I got pregnant with my children.

I remember everything so clearly , another one of those amazing days, it was sunny and bright, I kinda felt like I was coming out of a hole. It had been a few years since I had to testify, I despartly wanted to be normal, to feel normal to be involved in normal life experiences. I met someone online and we were going to go shopping. He worked for Raytheon and was taking a contracting job in Afganistan. I should have known so many things, recognized a lot of things as I talked to him on the phone but I just didn't. I felt so normal , I took my shower wondering where we were going to go , my head is thinking what are we going to do ? I mean I was going to help him pick things out for his trip Right ?? I was going to go shopping have normal conversation, I was going to be a real person. I dreamed of "NORMAL" things in my life and I thought this was a start. I could not have been more wrong. He never had any intention of going shopping. And on his way out the door he kept commenting on his shiny BMW.

So I recently heard a saying HAve the day you have and this year on Aug 22, I am going to have the day I have. I will cry at my broken heart for what happened . I will smile at the blessings of my children. I will laugh at where I am and I will be grateful , so very grateful that I have the most special children in my life. And this year I will not hide away, I will not listen to the lies , I will not beat myself up for things that I can not change. I would have that day all over again to have my children, I am finally understanding it was that bad, but I am grateful for Mariska and Vincent.
Wednesday I am just going to have the day that I have. someday there will come a day when I have to explain things to my children, I will have to listen to their heart and help them understand, those days are coming so on this day, I will have my broken heart yet I will be grateful for what I was given and be strong for the two most precious imoprtant people in my entire life. One day I will have to hold their hearts and help them understand.
9 years ago that was the day that I had, Today this is the day that I will have and someday this day will be another day of my story and I won't feel the brokenness of my heart. All I have is this day and as sad and broken as my heart is I am grateful for what I have in this moment.

This is heavy on my heart, a friend of mine told me about Isaiah 61:3
And provide for those who grieve in Zion
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes
the oil of gladdness instead of mourning
and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
A planting of the lord for this display of his splendor.
Anyone who knows me knows I don't know much about the bible at all, I am so new on this journey trying to figure everything out, but with my whole heart I pray that even my life can be turned into something amazing , ashes to beauty, I want to believe that, even for me. I want to understand the bigger plan and know that; out of my life story amazing things are going to come no matter how hard it is for me to get my head around . So with that, I am going to go have the day that I have and be grateful; for the beauty that I have in my children is somethong wonderous and someday I hope to find that in myself. So this week may be a little rough, but I am going to hold on to new good things in my life and someday my heart won't be so broken.