These are more for Vincent and Mariska , so they know how very much they are loved. From the moment that I found out I was pregnant the joy, the love, the excitement was something more than amazing. Oh I was so sick, I had morning sickness morning , noon, and night. I can remember standing in line in wal-mart for saltines and ginger ale and I was just dying for someone to ask if I was expecting. Of coarse you couldn't tell yet ,at two weeks along, but oh I was beaming. It was one of those moments that you just don't forget. I stood there in line, smiling from ear to ear I was going to be a mom, and there was nothing better. I remember the isle, everything, it was like everything was in slow motion, and I felt my belly and I remember thinking, this is real I am going to be a mom, I have a wonderful amazing baby ( babies) in me. I would always have my hand on my belly and talk to them, there was not one moment I was sad, or disappointed. There were times I worried that I wouldn't be a good enough mom, and keep you safe, make all the right choices , but the excitement was always always there. But the love, the pure love that I felt from the time they were little apple seeds in my womb was something amazing.
Nothing else mattered in life I had Vincent and Mariska and I was going to keep them safe, I was going to make sure that they lived life and had a blast. I was going to teach them kindness and show them love that they would never doubt. As they are growing up, I know that I have not missed a second of their lives. And as they start the fourth grade next week I am more than excited that my classes don't start until Wednesday so I get to pick them up from school. WOOHOO those first days of school are crazy, and so very long ! I think that is the LONGEST DAY OF THE YEAR, really it is !
As they are growing up, the one thing I fear is their questions. Up until now its been OK for them, they don't have a dad and their mom just dropped two eggs (that always makes me smile). I do not want to lie to them, and at the same time I don't want them to know the truth either. Not true I want them to know the truth but not the ugliness. I don't want them to think differently of themselves, I don't want them to think differently of me. I worry about their tender little hearts. I know that I have to be strong for them and I usually am but this time of the year there is an ache . A deep ache for my sweet amazing precious children. I wish that I could give them a love story about their parents but I can't. I have always wanted that family picture kind dad Mary Poppins mom and two amazing, kind children that sparkle in life. I have to realize though that I can't give them perfect, but there are some really amazing things that I can give them. I DREAD the day I have to tell them what happened, I don't know how the words are even going to form in my mouth. But with all that I have I will, I will find just the right soft words for them to help them understand. I will gently hold their heart answer their questions, and help them understand. I will look into their eyes, hold their hands and tell them the joy, and love and happiness that they brought to my life each and every second. I want to tell them the stories of sitting in the rocking chair talking to them until I fell asleep. How I would sit and listen to their hearts on a little monitir. How they would usually wake up at 4 am kicking and flipping around, almost like clockwork ! So we, all three of us would be awake and I would just smile, patting my big old belly talking to you, then we would all go back to sleep. The moment of being in the mall and seeing Santa and crying because I was getting to be their mom. All the Dr appointments and sonograms getting to see them and being oh so excited. I can't wait to tell them about the Dr saying "you're still smiling" when my huge belly was already measuring 40' and I wasn't sleeping or eating anymore, and I would say well of coarse, why wouldn't I be smiling ? From the moment I knew I was pregnant, I never knew such Joy, nothing else mattered, NOTHING. I never in my life took better care of myself, the huge prenatal vitamins, eating, I never ate more vegetables, no caffeine, I did all the right things. They were my babies and were the most precious, amazing little ones that made my heart sing. I will tell them about feeling them move for the first time while seeing Christmas lights. About finding out there was Vincent AND Mariska, it was so awesome ! Those are the moments that I want them to remember and share .
So as tomorrow comes, there is a sad in my heart that such things have to happen, that they happened to me but I am more than blessed. I do not know how to answer their questions, but I will find just the right words to help them understand. I want tomorrow to be about the joy that I was given in my children. We will laugh and pack and talk about all the great things in our future I was meant to be their mom, I know that with all that I am. I don't have the perfect fairy tale story, but I have our story. And that is something more than miraculous. I have never known such love.
I heart your hear Mariska Anne and Vincent Guy, Momma loves you more, I promise.
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| December 8, 2011. It's TWINS. |
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