An Import

Today I am in a much different place than I was a year ago.  I wanted to get this here on my blog, since it was just a facebook note before. So I guess you could say this is a type of import. Each year around this date Aug 22 I am going to write my thoughts and feelings and where my heart is surrounding that day. But as time goes its about not just my heart but also Vincent and Mariska's heart, as they get older and come to understand me as their mom. There is not any less brokenness its just different.  I am not in a place today of trusting God and believing like I did last year.  I still believe but I don't feel like I am growing in faith like I once was. I don't have people around to help me understand, there is no support.  I am in a place where  I have joy in my children each and every day.  I love them more than life, and am grateful to be their mother.  We are moving forward and excited to be in our own home. Student teaching is around the corner and dreams will be coming true.  So this is what I wrote last year, this year it will be different, as every year that follows.  I kinda laugh at one of the first lines "I have people that I don't want to hide from", no this year its just me. There just are no people, amazing how a year changes so many things. So this was last years and This years will come soon enough.

Have the day you have with a broken but grateful heart.

I want to be this strong person that isn't affected by my life. But the truth is I am very affected every day through the smiling and laughing. I usually hide away and cry this time of year but this year its different and I have people that I don't want to hide from . I have people that care and crazy as it is people that even WANT me around. Talk about a foreign idea !! Every year Aug 22 is kinda a bad day but more than a blessing. A day that ALSO breaks my heart and gives me the most joy I ever imagined. 9 years ago on this day I got pregnant with my children.

I remember everything so clearly , another one of those amazing days, it was sunny and bright, I kinda felt like I was coming out of a hole. It had been a few years since I had to testify, I despartly wanted to be normal, to feel normal to be involved in normal life experiences. I met someone online and we were going to go shopping. He worked for Raytheon and was taking a contracting job in Afganistan. I should have known so many things, recognized a lot of things as I talked to him on the phone but I just didn't. I felt so normal , I took my shower wondering where we were going to go , my head is thinking what are we going to do ? I mean I was going to help him pick things out for his trip Right ?? I was going to go shopping have normal conversation, I was going to be a real person. I dreamed of "NORMAL" things in my life and I thought this was a start. I could not have been more wrong. He never had any intention of going shopping. And on his way out the door he kept commenting on his shiny BMW.

So I recently heard a saying HAve the day you have and this year on Aug 22, I am going to have the day I have. I will cry at my broken heart for what happened . I will smile at the blessings of my children. I will laugh at where I am and I will be grateful , so very grateful that I have the most special children in my life. And this year I will not hide away, I will not listen to the lies , I will not beat myself up for things that I can not change. I would have that day all over again to have my children, I am finally understanding it was that bad, but I am grateful for Mariska and Vincent.
Wednesday I am just going to have the day that I have. someday there will come a day when I have to explain things to my children, I will have to listen to their heart and help them understand, those days are coming so on this day, I will have my broken heart yet I will be grateful for what I was given and be strong for the two most precious imoprtant people in my entire life. One day I will have to hold their hearts and help them understand.
9 years ago that was the day that I had, Today this is the day that I will have and someday this day will be another day of my story and I won't feel the brokenness of my heart. All I have is this day and as sad and broken as my heart is I am grateful for what I have in this moment.

This is heavy on my heart, a friend of mine told me about Isaiah 61:3
And provide for those who grieve in Zion
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes
the oil of gladdness instead of mourning
and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
A planting of the lord for this display of his splendor.
Anyone who knows me knows I don't know much about the bible at all, I am so new on this journey trying to figure everything out, but with my whole heart I pray that even my life can be turned into something amazing , ashes to beauty, I want to believe that, even for me. I want to understand the bigger plan and know that; out of my life story amazing things are going to come no matter how hard it is for me to get my head around . So with that, I am going to go have the day that I have and be grateful; for the beauty that I have in my children is somethong wonderous and someday I hope to find that in myself. So this week may be a little rough, but I am going to hold on to new good things in my life and someday my heart won't be so broken.