Do I still believe in God, I want to, oh I want to believe that .......truthfully I am not sure some days and other days I do, I think that I do ? Here would be nice to have that person to call and ask questions and think what about this what about that ? Someone I could express my doubt to that would understand I could feel him once I knew he was present but that is gone. You know all those songs that say you are never alone and I am his and he is mine. NO I do not believe that. I have asked women to be my mentors, and that has taken every ounce of courage that I have and things have fallen through. I am the common denominator so I know it is me, just not sure why. I can not be broken anymore, put myself out there to be alone. Like I have always said better to be alone in your thoughts when no one knows them then to share those thoughts and still have no one there.
SO I will hold on to those that I love be grateful for those that showed me it was possible. be grateful for the times that I felt like I belonged and be grateful for even the smallest moments that people listened to my lack of faith. I am more than sorry with all that. I want to believe like some but I don't and I can not fake it.
I am not sure I know how to pray, never have really. I sit , I think I send good thoughts, I wish good things for people, I light candles and cry and feel for those that are hurting. Things are heavy and in my looking for the light it seems I am one that finds more heavy, and I won't do that.
It's not who I am to be something that I am not, I am crazy me. I am a really good teacher. I am a good mom, on most days I love with my whole heart. I am kind and care and have passion about the world around me even on the days when it seems to be falling apart. I am not saying that I am turning my back on god and religion that is not it all. I am saying that I am done asking for someone to walk beside me through it, I am done trying to fit when I know that I don't. I am done looking for a place that fits whats in my heart and the things that I believe. I believe in people I believe in kindness, I believe in the joy of nature those are the things that keep me going.
I will not pretend to be a part of a church that I just don't fit into who they are or what they believe. I believe in good kind people. I believe that all people should be happy I believe that if you love someone you have a right to live happily ever after together. I believe that there are things that are done to people that are unforgivable, not all wrong doings are the same, I believe in laughing and that the Dalai Llama is a man with more kindness than many can comprehend and he isn't going to heaven ? But my father will ? I have a problem with that.
I think it was a friend in Colorado that made this ok with me. That lifted a veil that made me feel like there was a place for me. She was sharing her heart and talking about how heavy that she felt and she said that to deal with that she prays, and automatically in my head I felt like I shouldn't be listening like someone how I didn't deserve to be there but then she kept going, saying praying is just what I do but you don't thats ok I know that we all need each other......WHAT.....it was ok that praying wasn't my way of dealing with the heaviness ? A whole new world. Thank you my friend for including me. I feel the heaviness all around me and we all do different things to deal with that, as we live life. That is huge, and lifted a burden that no one person should have to carry. We should all do this together, reguardless of a certain belief its about doing this life together. And for once I didn't feel like an outsider.
I heart your heart, oh I heart your heart.
