Amazingly Brave

So the word is Brave, that was my homework to look the word up and to do some research on the word.  When I think brave I think running into a building to save someone, I think firemen and police.  I think someone doing something that I wonder if I would be able to do.  Yesterday I had a training for work about trauma informed care and about their little minds and things that we can do as teachers.  It was really really good and I think look at the impact that this can make for children trauma can literally change their physiology.  So its not all in the mind its not just something from the outside there are literally changes in the brain that make so many things that much more difficult.

And for me I think there were so many red flags.  I couldn't even read until third grade,  School was always more than hard,  even college I loved it but I had to work really really hard.  The crowds the triggers the boys the groups of men that all reminders made things exceptionally hard. Being in that class a lot of things made sense and it is more than amazing that I was able to make it through school, that I was able to make it through college and get my degree.  That is pretty amazing.  And my first semester at school going through the justice system that is either pretty stupid or pretty brave. Maybe even it was a little of both.

 It's amazing to me that I  have for the most part been able to outwardly contain all that was going on inside.  Like no wonder there is a little 5 year old in the corner scared to death of everyone and everything, because for her entire life she had to be. People are not kind, they are not here to help and they will end up leaving you or hurting you.  She had to hide she had to be quiet she had to learn things quickly or risk even more pain and embarrassment .   Yes; now its not a good thing, and many of those things that have kept me sane that have kept me together just don't work anymore.  I am in a much different place and it still makes me more than angry that I hold on so tight to all the things that have happened to me like some goblin keeping their jewels safe.  Because holding on so tight keeping things quiet and smiling through it all has kept me alive, has gotten me through school and college and literally gotten me thru life in general but at this point all those things that kept me alive that allowed me to smile are not helping me at all.  There is no need to keep that little 5 year old safe,  even though that thought is burnt in my brain like the need to breathe. At all costs just keep her Safe she can not handle any more hurt, she wouldn't make it.  I have to keep her safe at all costs because I know that anymore hurt, pain or abuse and she would shatter into pieces and there would be no putting her little soul back together, she surely wouldn't make it. 

I like the saying that I have a 100% record of making it through the really hard days and I would like to think that makes me Unbelievably Amazingly brave.

I heart your heart

Never enough EVER

Never the favorite, never a first never the one that is picked first for anything. Never the one that is thought of that is valued that ;that matters at all. Decisions are made, your heart never taken into consideration.  Always left behind never even a thought for people and that gets old and it really hurts.  With my brother being around its amazing the things that are brought up from when I was growing up.  I was never chosen I always came in second.  And Once again I see that and its more than frustrating.  Father's day I was not a thought, Fourth of July not a thought, as a history I am never enough.  Not religious enough not athletic enough, I am not anything enough to be a first pick to be a favorite..  I am just never that enough. I don't understand why.  People say these kind things about the person that I am yet I am still not enough.  What I want what is it that I do want I want to be enough and just for once in this life I want to be first, I want to be someones choice .  This makes me so very very sad I can't even, this lonely place I feel so other than so different so dirty and gross and disgusting.  In my head that is the reason its because of the gross and disgusting that I am left without a thought, left to be second or completely left out .......

I heart your heart.

Mother

Oh my goodness, my heart.  You know there is a piece I want more than anything is for people to give a shit.  To care to be concerned. This morning was everything rough there were crazy emotional nightmares last night and every night since Thursday.  Hiding and being seen and wanting to speak out wanting so much to make a difference for others.  And then today waking up with crazy nightmares, and being beyond exhausted the dogs were crazy, running around.  I was lying on my stomach talking to Mariska and they started biting my hair and my neck, first they were playing but they quickly were not playing and got too rough.  I asked for help as I tried to bury my face from the dogs and Mariska couldn't hear me,  And it got worse they got rougher and I finally was able to ask for help a little louder and got the dogs off myself.  Then my mother shows up at the door, I asked Mariska to help, that I was serious and my mothers reaction hit me like a ton of bricks and a knife through my heart and a realization that it has been like this my entire life.  He was the most important then her and then me........ 

She said "well I just got here".....and she stood there in my door way...doing nothing showing no care or concern

No are you ok; can I do anything nothing; just nothing and she walked down the stairs.  Well "I just got here" rang in my ears all morning and each time making me more and more angry and I think that what it has been like most of my life.  And certain situations come to mind, one that I remember so vividly it still tears at my very being.  When I couldn't stop crying and woke him up and she went to take care of him,  I was devastated I laid there my little world spinning tearing my tissue into smaller and smaller pieces hoping that soon I would stop hurting stop crying.  I couldn't make my little body stop hurting and she was all about him.She was there for a minute but really she was worlds away  I can see them both standing in my room and I just wanted someone to protect me take care of me, ask me what happened DO SOMETHING...ANYTHING....I don't remember their words but he left my room and she went right after him.   And you know what I was worried about, I was worried about what he was going to do to her....as she left me in my bed in pieces I was worried about her. That is more than hard to comprehend , I just wanted someone to stand up for me to make sure that I was ok.  And I think you know where did I get any sense of direction what so ever.  I had to handle everything about that night on my own, what he did to me, understanding the pain, understanding being left.  I want to understand how a little girl of 5 gets her head around a night like that.

I think about all the times that I was being hurt and she saw nothing heard nothing noticed nothing and that breaks my heart.  I wanted so much to be held and cared for and protected.  No one ever protected me EVER and today I feel that I want someone so much to keep me safe to hear me to acknowledge the things that I am afraid of .  So crazy making the house that I grew up in and the terror and the loneliness, there was no one .

I hate this this night sticks out so much in my mind.   It wasn't even the rape that stands out, that was common, it was more painful more violent it was all the reactions afterwards, mine and everyone else's.  I was angry at myself for crying for not being able to stop hurting for waking everyone up for not talking for worrying about my mother; for seeing my mother in front of him and thinking I just had to do that.  I saw her as a victim.  I see him so clear sitting there with his headphones on and her kneeling in front of him, I think that I beat myself up for not running to save her , when all I wanted to do was run to him and have him be proud that I didn't tell her anything.  I don't know how to make sense of this night and so many little pieces. I see them  so very clear.  These are the things that so hurt my heart.  I don't understand why I can't get over this piece why I go over it so many times in my head, because I want so much to make sense of it like just one time something is going to make sense and then I will be able to let it go.....I want to let it go I see letting it go and it leaving my hands but I open my eyes and my fingers have a death grip I want it to make sense to this heart of mine.  I just wanted someone to notice and care.

I heart your heart.