The nightmares have been brutal. I have them a lot and most of the time I wake up and things are ok just another night in my life. Then there are other times when they are so vivid so real so sad that even after I wake up they are still there still going on and those are the days that it is rough to keep going. Since starting back in counseling, the nightmares are picking up again the bad kind. The ones that I can't get out of the ones where bad things happen and no one cares and people look on like everything is fine. The problem nothing is fine and it breaks my heart. The other night it was a dream that my parents were getting back together. It was this huge apartment maybe even a house , there were two floors. Lots of people were there everyone was waiting for someone to arrive. People were coming and going . Of coarse I was the one watching everything going on trying to figure it all out. Then my father walks in. I go right up to him screaming at him and hitting him really hard telling him how much that I hate him. He cries like a baby and tells everyone how h hasn't done anything wrong. Of coarse everyone feels sorry for him. Oh poor bob. I am more than disgusted and am worried about the animals so I do something trying to make sure that they are all safe. I tell asshole to leave them alone that they are all fine, I know he will only hurt them. He sneers he is so awful and everyone things he is so great. I am sitting at a table caring for all the little kids , there is lots of crying and arguing from all the adults around. I am trying to create a bubble around the kids to make them safe and happy. It seems that there is evil all around and I am more than aware. I see him again he pats my mom and says its time for everyone to go and get stuffed and that evil laugh and his beatty eyes my mom smiles and doesn't say a word......I am screaming on the inside because its more than obvious that no one can hear me or even cares........and I wake up in this panic just like the night that I couldn't stop crying. I knew so many things that I shouldn't. I knew what it meant to get stuffed and it broke my heart to me that meant my mother was going to get hurt too. He had lots of little phrases like that . They all broke my heart, I knew as far back as I can remember exactly what they all meant.
Another night just as bad. It's this huge creepy dark house. There are people everywhere and I just keep trying to clean up make sure that everything is in order. I try to ignore everything that if I can just fix things enough everything will be OK. People keep telling me you have to talk about it, you have to talk about it over and over and in my heart I know that it won't make a difference but everyone I see tells me too. Over and over and all I want to do is clean up the mess and make everything pretty , put everything back in its place. Finally there is someone that starts screaming at me to talk about it and I stop everything and I stare at them. We are standing out by the pool everyone is dressed so nice, the moon is out and I with out a work. Take all my clothes off , every black and blue blaring every scratch ever scar more than visible. My body is covered from head to toe. and I jump with my arms up in the air for everyone to see the gross and disgusting, everyone can see each and every hand print of those that have hurt me Everyone can see what my body looks like from the hands of others. I fall into the water, all those that told me to speak now staring with their jaws on the ground but as I fall into the water they continue their conversations, they drink their drinks and I sink to the bottom not one person reaching out not one person asking not one person even caring after all they were the ones that so badly wanted me to talk. Because at that point there are no words, there are no words left to describe the things that this body has been through. Its heart breaking, not only is this a nightmare but its whats inside. I could show people the bruises the sadness the pain and it wouldn't make a difference so why bother and I Smile. It's better to smile then to face the bruises sometimes.I heart your heart
