My last Saturday night

Well its been some time and I still keep waiting for that void to be filled.  I am waiting for the space that once was so full in my heart just to close and go away and it isn't. No matter how hard I try its wide open and it doesn't feel good.  I don't even remember anymore if it was three or four years ago but .. I found The Corners or The Corners kind of found me . A church finding me that is kinda funny.  I was totally supposed to be there and truly believe with my whole heart it was some kind of divine intervention that is way beyond my understanding.    I used to tease that I would get struck with lightning bolts if I ever walked into the building.  I would walk into the youth building just glaring thinking yea right, why am I here, you could say I had a chip on my shoulder, A PRETTY BIG chip. I DID NOT believe in God and no one was going to change my mind.  But the people that I had met that were making a huge difference in my life were a part of this Church and they were real , and honest and true and so very kind. The people that I first met there were more than special.  All the things that I had been looking for my entire life, I was finding in this foreign place. 

It was around Christmas time and a friend of mine was an Angel in the Christmas play (which was a perfect fit !) invited me to go.  I was absolutely terrified, I would tease about getting hit with lightning bolts  but I think in a way I was serious, how could I, me, Sherri walk into a church?  It took every ounce of courage of strength I had to walk into that building.  And each and every person I came in contact with was so welcoming and so warm, people accepted me just because I was.

At that point I didn't even really believe in God.  I was settled that it was me alone in this world and that was that.  And the play was amazing and amazing things happened, I was noticed, I was welcomed and from that moment on The Corners became my church home.  I grew up in a church but I use that term loosely it was about as dysfunctional as a church can get and it was not a good experience.  But The Corners had my heart, it was the most amazing place with the most amazing people.  Then the following year we sold the building, OK I can go with that we are just moving into a new building.  Lots of people started leaving.  I thought that's OK, this is my home. I think I got used to people leaving.

I was there to help clean up in the new building, I scrubbed floors, cleaned windows, I was a part of something so very real and so true, it was AMAZING.  Then  Pastor Randy was having heart trouble, he was in and out of surgery.  Then not long after that he said that he was stepping down as lead pastor.  Oh my heart...I was feeling every emotion possible, so many people that I have loved have left and from where I come from I love you and I love you forever and it was so very difficult.

I found so very many things in this place and it was falling apart.  I even would sing.  And that doesn't sound like a big thing but for me it was really big.  We had a worship leader that was so true, he would speak from his heart and had a peace that was indescribable and I could sing.  I sang with my whole heart. And I would cry and look forward to the next service.  I started working with the children's ministry and I loved it.  I was afraid that I couldn't teach them what they needed to know, because i didn't know very much, but was encouraged and guided and I knew I was meant to be there with those little ones.

I found God in this place, I found real honest kind people.  I found a group of people that were truly amazing  in and out side of church. They lived how they believed, It was really and truly an amazing, awesome spectacular place.  A place that for once in my life I was accepted, for exactly who I was and I was learning so many new things about me , the world, the church, I was growing and was in a place that was truly remarkable.

Still more people leaving.  And more. And more. And more.

My home Church was turning into something different. Something was was not kind, and gentle.

Soon I started to only go because I was committed to the children's ministry.  Even then after some time I found myself dreading going.  People were different, I was different.  I so wanted to go but I wanted it to be what it once was.  I know change, I understand it, its a part of life but this kind of change was a totally different path.  This change was a bulldozer that was running over people in the process.  During this time I felt the pull in my heart this was not my place anymore, there was no time for me, no people for me, and it was terrifying.  I had never known a place like this before and it was seeping right through my fingers.  Oh I tried so very hard to hold on....But there was nothing to hold anymore. Everything that was so near and dear was gone.

I went one Saturday and There was a new Person and I went to  the back of the church in tears asking who is that ?  I am sure my eyes were as wide as can be, I was in shock, I was sad, I was in disbelief.  I think I knew then but I wanted to make sure.  SO I went that LAST SATURDAY.

We sat in the back, the kids and I, A totally different from where we always sat, and even Jake the worship pastor was different, he was pushed aside and the peace that he gave was trampled on, and then someone else got on the stage and made it about them and I couldn't take it any more, and we left before the music was even over, the music that I loved that I could finally sing to was silent in my heart. 

I walked to the back of the church unable to breathe. The place where I found life was gone, the place I loved so much was not there anymore.  And literally I walked to my car, trying to catch my breath, there were no words and so very many feelings. The kids quietly followed me asking if I was ok.  I said I wasn't but that we would be. I told the kids that this wasn't the right place for us anymore and that this would be our last time. There was silence. I pulled myself together.  And we walked back into the entry way waiting for the kids since I was scheduled to be in the Children's Department.  One of the elders walked out said Hello, and its kind of funny, he sent his wife out to see if I needed to check the kids in.  She came and gave me a hug and said Hello.  I said I was fine and she walked back into service.  Oh I wanted to hold onto her and ask her so many things what happened to this place ? where its OK to push people aside, to push peace aside and create a show ?  I smiled and cried and waited for the kids. 

When we got to the Children's ministry it was rough, I knew I would be leaving this place that I loved so very much.  And of coarse a song that always made me cry, was the first song we put on. The Children's minister, Julie would sing it and I would cry every time she put it on. She started to sing and I had to go out in the hall. Her singing with the passion in her heart for what she was doing was what I was going to miss.  My heart was so very sad.  I was going to miss these little ones. I was going to miss Julie singing that song. In her singing I wanted to believe every word like she did and that was such a gift, such an amazing gift ! I can only imagine what my eyes looked like, but I knew I was done, this wasn't the place for me anymore. This would be a night of so many lasts for me.

I was terrified to leave I had found so many things that I needed, that I was looking for.  I am afraid that I won't find people like this again.  I am afraid of loosing the people that I loved that made such a difference in my life.  I am afraid of never finding a place where I fit like that again.  I could write pages and pages of things that I am afraid of.  I am afraid of them all and then some.  For me this was special, not just another church, it was my home a place that had my heart. The first place ever.

Some of my fears have come true, some have not.  I don't get to see the people that I loved there often.  I am not sure I have it in me right now to look for another place where I fit in.  Where I am safe. I know that I loved that place and what it used to be, what it showed me was possible will forever be a part of my heart.... But I must Let Go.....

Little Life stories

Little life stories..... Do you know that those who are teachers are a big part of that ?  Of a child's life story ? Just think about how important that is ?  So much more than just a job.  Everyday we have these little ones come into our class that look to us for approval, for acceptance, for comfort.  These little kids come into our classrooms as a little open book at the very beginning of their life.story. Each and every day we make decisions that affect their story forever.  I think sometimes its so easy to forget just what we mean in their lives.  I think its forgotten just what we mean to those little lives that we love during our day.

This time next year, I will be done with all my classes, student teaching will be over and I will be looking for a job or maybe hopefully already have a job ( please, please, please, PLEASE)  There are so many reasons why that is super amazingly cool and over the top exciting.  Wow I haven't even really started writing and here come the tears.  Because I know with my entire heart that I am supposed to be a teacher.  I do not know many things for sure in my life but this is one of them. I was meant to teach.  I am sure I will cry those first days in my own class, and even the days that follow.  I was meant to hold those little hearts in my room for the day and make them proud of themselves and the work that they do.  Each child will be so very worthy from the second that they come into my class.  I was meant to make them feel safe and sound and to cherish and nurture their little souls with all that I am.  I will get the privilege to care for them, teach them and help them as each of their little stories are written.  Really how cool is that ?  People say oh just wait .... And I say OK.  I am more than ready.  I am sure there are going to be rough days and rough children and even harder parents but in the end for me its about the kids.  Its about showing them the good things in life. Its about showing them how special that they are in each and every way.  I will get to teach them about all the cool things around them even math because someday Algebra just might be important, not sure yet but maybe !?!  I am going to get to share about all the amazing things around them.  I will show them kindness and teach how very important that it is in the world.  I can not think of anything more important than caring for those little hearts that I will have in my class.

I TOTALLY love children, they are kind of amazing when you really think about it.  I remember my kids first grade conference and saying something about my kids and how they weren't doing something, that I thought they should be.  And their wonderful teacher Mrs. Bell said "Well they have only been around for 6 short years you know ?"And I stopped for a minute, wow, how true is that ?  Think about it.....

These little ones have only been around for a short time and have so much to learn in so many areas.  It's our job to help them with ;to guide them.  Oh I just love their little hearts their innocence, their laughter, I love that they think they are invincible, I love how funny they can be, or how funny they "think" they are, and that can be anything they imagine.  So for a minute just think....6 years?  That doesn't seem like very long at all.  So we must be patient, and kind and repeat directions over and over and teach kindness and love and respect because they have only been in this world a very short time.

I was never a kid that got to do any of those things and I think that is part of why its so very important to me now and the kids that I teach.  I want to be able to give the things that I never got.  I will take such good care of their hearts because its the only one that they will ever have.  We can help it grow and make it beautiful or we need to find another job.  I will always stop for the crying little one in the hall, that needs some extra TLC.  I will always work with that hard to love kid who gets on your very last nerve.  I will try to answer the one who has a question for everything.  I will love the kid that is different; because I was that kid.  Believe me, I know there are those kids that annoy and pester and get on those last nerves but I will end each day letting them know that regardless of absolutely anything... anything at all that they are special and amazing in so many ways.

I think I totally come at teaching from a different angle;  it was never what I imagined myself doing.  I was going to school for  Psychology, well child psychology because honestly you can have the adults, my heart is for the kids.  The more that I got into it I realized that I was going to be dealing with the "PARENTS" and knew that was going to be the hard part.  I wanted to help kids feel all the good things in life that I never did.  I wanted kids to be able to play and be free and feel worthy of all that this crazy world has to offer.  I come into teaching knowing all the things I so desperatly needed but never got, and wanting to be able to make a difference.

Well things got sidetracked, I pressed charges on my father, testified in Boston, had Vincent and Mariska , things were CRAZY, totally crazy.  I don't remember even really changing my major it just happened.  Once I went back to school when the kids were close to three I knew that teaching was my home, my  heart and exactly where I needed to be.  And here I am that being closer than ever, and it's so VERY exciting.  I have a huge responsibility to my children, but to all those little life stories that I will get to be a part of.  I see teaching as a privilege and I look forward to seeing how all those little life stories progress and how I can make them better.

So to all the children that will be in my class I so look forward to meeting you and seeing what I can do to make your story something wonderfully amazing.