Off the Record

So I am not sure where to begin really.  My heart is sad and I want to be proud and think wow I did this and look where I am things are ok ! But I don't I look at it and think, I am proud of myself. I think  wow, My hair, glad it was a good hair day but man I talk to much with my hands,  and cry oh my goodness I am such a cry baby.  I watch in awe of Tami and Jaime. They speak so well and so clear. They are speakers and do it so well. Me, I think oh my goodness I am such a mess, there were to many ugly cries going on.   And it all comes back, and I can remember getting home from that first report and hearing this song on in my car. I cried all the way home not remembering how I got there. Then I got home and stood there in my room, crying thinking  what in the world have I just done.  The room was spinning and I felt oh so small was I doing the right thing, With out a doubt I knew that I was but at what cost to myself.  I had no clue.

Jewel:  Hands

I got the email late Friday night from Val sending the link and   I froze.  I was terrified of seeing my story,  I was terrified of how I would see myself.  Emotions went flying everywhere and nowhere,   literally I froze,  things flooding my head,  the pictures of being little, my father, wearing his shirt, that look of innocence on my face,  it was real and maybe more real than it had ever been.  It stopped everything in its tracks and all I really wanted to do was go to DC and get a hug from Val and Neil.  I wanted to be in that hotel room and feel the power that I did that day with my story.  Those people in that room Jim, Val and Neil, MJ were literally holding me up, they were holding my heart in their hands.  I wanted more than anything just to be back in that room feeling so understood and supported.  Those people are my people because they get it,  they understand .  And I didn't watch the preview until later.  I went to bed nightmares every second, around 3 am I got up and watched a few minutes of it, and there was a feeling of numbness and I couldn't watch it all at once.  I was scared to watch,    these people were so amazing Tami was so well spoken and so strong,  Jaime, how he spoke,  you wanted to listen to him and hear what he had to say.  Me I watched but was in another space.  I went back to bed, not sleeping really, tossing and turning and watching a little at a time, bits and pieces.  I was between the nightmares, and awake.  I looked at my phone and there was a missed call from Val and a message, I am one that answers right away and yet I was still frozen. And another call, saying that she was worried about me and wanted to make sure that I was ok, I felt like she had my heart.  I was grateful, once again I was back on earth.  I listened to her message over and over and finally took a minute and answered her telling her how much that I loved her that it was amazing that I was a huge crybaby.  So much of me wanted to apologize,  I was the messy cry baby not strong and proud.

I was helping my mom pack, all day and just stayed busy, I want to apologize that I wasn't more, more proper, more I don't know better spoken that I felt like  , well I don't know really I am trying to figure out the feelings and I am not sure that I have a clue.  When you have grown up the way that I did, and then meet people like Val and Neil people who hear you and listen with their whole heart, who look at you and see past the hurt to really hold your heart I can not in words even tell you what that means.  When you are on your own from the time that your 5, with only a few sticking around to see you, truly see you it means more than words.  It means EVERYTHING.  I didn't get that until I was in my thirties, that's a long time to be alone, and when someone reaches out to you when you feel so awful you hold on for dear life.

When you see a part of your life in black and white like that, its all there right in front of you, and you can't turn away.  I can't turn away from those pictures, I can't pretend that this is for everyone else.  A part of this has to be for me.  To recover to heal, to find my voice in all that has happened to me.  Val helped give me my voice,  I see Off The Record and I think oh my goodness there are so many things to do, there are so many places that I need to visit there are so many words that I still need to speak, and I want to do more.  There is a part of me that wants to share it with everyone one who was there who helped me who listened Det plemmons, I am not sure what I would have done with out him, he was never doubtful just showed me the utmost kindness, Sam Schoenfeld who understood my need to protect and   wanted the same.  To people like Neil who fight for people like me, who see the injustice and want to make things different.  I feel like he saw the depth of the pain that day, and standing in front of that hotel, him touching my face and holding me, that is a moment that gave me years of safety that I never felt before.  People like Val who in going through her own hell wouldn't let it go and wanted to make it different for others.  Who reached out to me as a nobody and wanted to hear my story.  When I first emailed her her first words to me were how can I help ?  WHAT, how can you help, she didn't even know me but yet she saw my heart. you just by speaking by giving me a voice by listeneing you have helped beyond words.    She is a woman so strong and brave, and I long to be all the things that I se in her.  She is everything honest and true.  Oh I love these people.

I could't wait to see the end result and when it came to be I was terrified.  Its out there I can not deny the impact.  I can be ever so grateful for all those that have helped but I also have to hold my own heart and maybe that is the part I have been missing.  I am just so very sad in the documentary and I don't like that part.  I don't want to be sad, I don't want to be affected so maybe this is the next step.  This is out there a part of my life that I can't get back that I can do over, but that I can choice today to have a voice about and to make a difference for others.

I am sure there is a long road ahead of me,  I want things to change I want detectives to be different I want the system to change and I need to be a part of that, I want to be a part of that making things different.  I can't forget myself.  When I did this all those years ago I forgot about me , it wasn't important.  Today I have to be important and continue to make a difference if I feel that dread, and shame the rest of my life I will never find the things that I truly long for.  I have a feeling there is going to be a flood when those feelings come.  I am scared, terrified but I have a few forever people that are never going away and for them, they are my world, they are making things better for me and for so many others like me.

At this point, its not about everyone else , its about me and I am not comfortable in that place, but I have to if I am ever going achieve the dreams I hold in my head.  I have to if I am ever going to let go of that sad that I hold so tight.

Oh Goodness these people, I heart your heart.  I miss you more than words. 

My Person, 

The song I listened to on repeat while going through the entire court process, I feel like they help me, they were my snow on the sahara, they were there when I had nothing.  I will forever love them,  and I look forward to their safety, their loving arms, and ultimate kindness again. I heart your heart. 

 

A day of Miracles

This day is sometimes hard, often confusing and always brings many questions, tears, heartache and joy.  I look at my children and there is a peace, they are true joy in my life, they are my miracles of August 22, 2003. I can tell you that I started the day as many others. Just another day, I write that and it doesn't fit, it was just another day but to me this day changed EVERYTHING.Its a day that will affect my life, and the lives of my children forever. Because in 2003 I just wanted to be normal more than I wanted anything. I thought I was going to do normal things and for once be a normal girl.  I had no idea he had other plans.    This year on this day I have everything that I ever wanted and more and yet there is still a pain in my heart and I am not sure what to do with it. So on this day this year I am going to be grateful.

Today I woke up not really thinking about the day it was the first day of seventh grade!! Wow how crazy is that.  The kids were up early and  were ready to go they may not admit it but they were more than excited that school was starting again.  Today is an anniversary for me that people don't want to hear about, talk about or  even acknowledge.  Some years that has been really hard.  There are no cards no calls to make sure that I am doing ok. No one checks, its just me and this day.  This is an anniversary that isn't important to them.  But it is to me, this is my day of Miracles.

  So today Monday August 22,2016  I will be in my class, I will be loving life as a teacher,  my first year as a real teacher, totally certified in every way. My mom dropped the kids off at school, so I could make it to work by 7 and meet my kids at school. I hoped  that it is everything that Vincent and Mariska thought it would be; this first day.  I will beg for that first day of school photo, not believing its the start of seventh grade.   I loved hearing all about their day, friends that were in their classes, who they ate lunch with, the teachers they had.  They have an amazing math teacher this year from the Bahamas and he has an accent and the kids just love that. They were in need of a really good teacher and they got many this year I am more than excited for them.  Vincent is playing his game on the x-box his man time before dinner, I used to think it was crazy but he needs those few minutes of down time before dinner. Mariska is on you tube looking up dinner ideas and desserts that she wants to make.  Me I am here. Writing, grateful for the day that I had.  Thinking of my miracles. My heart is full, I am getting ready to make dinner, the kids will sit at the bar and again tell me all about their day and their teachers and things that they might need for the year. While dinner is cooking we will look over all the paperwork, I will sign and sign and sign some more.  We will eat dinner together watch some crazy reality TV I am sure, and we will laugh.  I will say goodnight give them a hug and a kiss grateful that they had the most amazing first day of seventh grade! Wow how did that all happen so fast.  I will clean the kitchen, fix the pillows on the couch, line up all of the channel changers on the coffee table making everything just right. I will check all the locks for the hundredth time, I will look around the house making sure that everything is in its place.  Practically perfect.  I will crawl into bed and be more than grateful that the day was full and wonderful and I might cry a little because my heart is still a little broken on this day every year. But I will smile at my special  miracles and know everything will be ok.  Someday. Today was a great day, a more than awesome great day. My job is amazing, I love the people that I work with,  my kids are extraordinary, my house is perfect and today even today was perfect .

I heart your heart . 

And so it goes

Things happen when you least expect it too. And so it goes.   Last night the nightmares began only last night they were about Bella.  I was happy and laughing people were there friends were there,  I was going crazy looking for pictures, pictures of the kids I think how they have grown and changed.  It was over a few days I think.  I was happy but there was a sad,  and then someone came into my room and sat on my bed, and they put two little outfits on the bed and asked whose are these?  And the dread, the shock, the oh my goodness, what do I do now hits. And I sat there on the bed unable to produce any words.  Tears streamed down my face and I said I can't I just can't and I left the room,  this person was kind and caring and everything perfect but I just couldn't.  I always say that I want people to speak about her yet this was my chance and I couldn't.  I didn't have the words,  couldn't explain the feelings.  So many little details running through my head,  I wish that I could have truly experienced something like this.  Someone giving me the time, someone wanting to know about her.  I just never did.

The entire nightmare,  I was running and yet when someone came there were no words and I spent the rest of the dream knowing that this is what I wanted and I didn't know how.  I don't know how to say the words I don't know how to sit with it.  And I finally called and asked if we could meet and talk, and it was everything perfect only I woke up before any words are spoken, the story of my life.

So many words need to be spoken and yet, I am quiet.  There are not people to share with.  There are not many people willing to stay.  Someday, I have to believe that someone someday will be all that I hope that can listen and still stay.  That can understand those days when there are no words.  They can understand those days when there are only tears.  That can share the joy on the days my heart smiles.  Yes someone someday for all of my days.

               I HEART YOUR HEART