And so it goes

Things happen when you least expect it too. And so it goes.   Last night the nightmares began only last night they were about Bella.  I was happy and laughing people were there friends were there,  I was going crazy looking for pictures, pictures of the kids I think how they have grown and changed.  It was over a few days I think.  I was happy but there was a sad,  and then someone came into my room and sat on my bed, and they put two little outfits on the bed and asked whose are these?  And the dread, the shock, the oh my goodness, what do I do now hits. And I sat there on the bed unable to produce any words.  Tears streamed down my face and I said I can't I just can't and I left the room,  this person was kind and caring and everything perfect but I just couldn't.  I always say that I want people to speak about her yet this was my chance and I couldn't.  I didn't have the words,  couldn't explain the feelings.  So many little details running through my head,  I wish that I could have truly experienced something like this.  Someone giving me the time, someone wanting to know about her.  I just never did.

The entire nightmare,  I was running and yet when someone came there were no words and I spent the rest of the dream knowing that this is what I wanted and I didn't know how.  I don't know how to say the words I don't know how to sit with it.  And I finally called and asked if we could meet and talk, and it was everything perfect only I woke up before any words are spoken, the story of my life.

So many words need to be spoken and yet, I am quiet.  There are not people to share with.  There are not many people willing to stay.  Someday, I have to believe that someone someday will be all that I hope that can listen and still stay.  That can understand those days when there are no words.  They can understand those days when there are only tears.  That can share the joy on the days my heart smiles.  Yes someone someday for all of my days.

               I HEART YOUR HEART