Summer

I wish that I was writing more but it just isn't happening.  I am trying to figure out what it is that I feel There are so many new things happening that my brain is just often way more exhausted than I would like it to  to be, and I often don't have the time. Well I just don't take the time, I just don't take the time, there are is always floors to clean laundry to do,  counters and bedrooms to fix.  I busy myself a lot of the time, and don't give myself this space so I am really going to try because this is really more important for my heart, than a nap on the couch or cleaning whatever it is that needs to be done.

So many things are changing, I feel like I am coming into my own skin a little and that feels good.  Just a little not totally but that is completely different for me Making decisions that are right for me and not worrying about other people.  I ALWAYS worry about others. I have been deleting people on Facebook, that sounds so mean but really its not, its just that I want people that are involved in my life that care that are in my every day to know all the good things that are happening , that want good things for me.  Why keep those around that have hurt my heart ?  Those people are a  reminder of things that could have been once but are not Now,  its just the right thing for me.   I have been taking care of my needs even making a DR appointment. I know Texas may get a blizzard!

I think a turning point was when my favorite came to see my house.  My mom had been staying with me that week while I was teaching Summer School, and Vincent was taking his robotics class.  The last few months when no one was there she had really been helping. She had been kind and was listening and all things that I needed.  I could not tell her oh James is coming you have to go home.  It was a pull in my head,  she has been helping me out, I cant just send her home and then ask her to come back.  So I didn't and she stayed.  I am sure that James was shocked walking in given the relationship that my mother and I have had.  But I have softened some letting her back in I am still cautious, but it feels like its also the right thing to do.  I got to the point where I was done,  there was no more of me to give to her and she reached out and I decided that it was time.  She even asked , and said that she would leave, but if someone is a part of your everyday , that was just not something that I could do.  Would I have said more if she wasn't there probably but she was there and I was grateful, and I got to see my favorite not for very long but it was perfect and he got to see my house.   That was a really huge decision for me, and I truly feel that I made the right one.

Teaching Summer school was interesting I met some amazing people and in the end I am glad that I did it.  There were a few days that I wan't so sure,  there were some rough kids but when I really got the chance to work with those that just needed that extra help, I was all set.  I met some other amazing teachers and it was fun.

I stopped seeing, Matthew well I guess not officially but his health wasn't great and there were many missed appointments and it just wasn't what I needed, or what was working for me,  just one of those organic things that just happened, and I met someone who is everything kind and soft spoken.  He even does EMDR, which I am hoping will help with some of the intense flashbacks and nightmares.  It is not going to be easy at all!!  It's going to be really hard.  I am realizing that I don't like to stay connected that I am not present in my body a lot of the time and there are a lot of things that I am going to have to learn but its going to be worth it.  I am just keeping my fingers crossed everything will work out with my insurance and I can continue to see him, I think I can get to where I want to be with him.  He is a kind gentle soul that will help my heart as I continue with this life journey of mine.

Looking at houses is on the top of the list lately , since my mom lost her job.  She is getting older and I am not sure how she would be able to work and still paying all of her bills. Getting laid off at 63 is not good for anyone.  And things are going really well with us so we are looking at a place for all of us to live.  Then I would not have to worry about her, and she will not have to worry about a mortgage payment.  Its all a work in progress but I am thinking that its a good thing.  Amazing how things fall into place , leaving my perfect house now will not be easy, but there are things ahead that are amazing and exciting and I look forward to whats going to happen and how relationships will grow and change.

I go back to school Thursday and I can't believe it! But I am excited I miss my littles and I hope they had a wonderful Summer and are looking forward to an amazing year.

There was lots of netflix this Summer, lots of naps, lots of laughing and good things.  It was the most fabulous Summer that I have had in a very long time and oh it went by so very fast.  but looking ahead things are going to be awesome and I look forward to many new things new people and new life choices that right for my family ,

Much Love I heart your heart

If you follow my journey thank you, I am grateful, its going to be an amazing year !!!

Unfriending

Who ever thought I would be one of those people! One of those people that unfriends someone well yea that is me.  And I say that with  a smile, I am kind of proud of myself. Lately it seems my friends are dwindling in some areas and growing in others and I am totally ok with that.  I would rather have my own friends than someone else's friends that is where I am. It's nice deleting people that were always some one else' friends it just took me some time to figure that out.  I wanted them to be mine more than anything and I tried more than hard but if you have to force something then its not really meant to be;. Right?  So in this process the last few months I have begun to unfriend people .  First it was a person here or there that I no longer spoke to, then it was you know what,  these people are reminders of things that hurt, of people that weren't there, of people that were only around me because they were other peoples's friends and I was over it. They were people that were my friends because of association and that is not a friend at all.  I want my own people .  People that have an interest in me and my life, people that I have things in common with that I can share and be respected. People that do not try to put me in a box.

I am not the oh poor girl lets be her friend, Yea NO THANK YOU not interested.  If you are not going to be genuine then please don't bother.  There has been much ingenuousness in my life and I am over it if you care stick around, love me and all my craziness or don't.  I can not make people like me, make them listen or understand, make them hear me so it was time to say goodbye.  I do not wish them bad I just won't be fake. I am not even sure that I know all the ways that this will affect me.  I just can not do it anymore.  I will not be around people that I don't like. I will be polite and courteous but I will not be fake.  Those people that I have unfriended do not deserve to know all the great things that are happening in my life.  I don't want to be the topic of conversations that I am not a part of.  I can say that to unfriend a few people it hurt people that once help my hand and cried with me , then I became an inconvenience and was no longer contacted.  I can not do that.  I am at a point in this life I would rather have my few favorites that I know are there than hundreds that see me drowning and look the other way.

In many ways I am different , relationships, connections are different because I never really had them and I want them more. More than the average person I think, whatever that is!!  I want connection more than you can even imagine but I want the real kind.  The kind where well my house isn't perfect but come on in this is me.  I am not at all saying that I am perfect and I am sure that I have unintentionally hurt others but I will not cry with you be there then turn the other way, EVER EVER!!  It's not in my bones to do that.

I know that I talk about my favorites all the time and I have to say that for once I am not sorry.  Those people have been there, loved me, held me and cared for me.  Even my moments when I pushed them away, told them that I didn't want to be a pest or was not the most lovable they loved me.  I am sure that never again will I have favorites like them, but the life things that I have learned from them.  And often I try to push them back thinking why in the world would they want to be with me and they push back and they are there and they make time for me, how incredible is that!!!  It's more than amazing.  I am beyond grateful the things they  have taught me about myself, life,  friendships, such important things.  And these are people I don't talk to all the time, but they are there all the time and if they didn't want to be they very easily could fade away and they have never done that.  Oh I love them, so very very very much.  When they moved away I was terrified but in that I have grown stronger and the relationship has changed and become what it is today.

I was terrified unfriending people I mean come on I don't have many friends to begin with and here I am just clicking away. Click.....Click.....Click.......  But it was good for me so very good.  I want real friendships and if I just have a few that is totally ok, because the few that I have are the ones that totally matter.  So to my friends that have stuck around oh how I heart your heart I love you and and am more than grateful.

I heart your heart