Unfriending

Who ever thought I would be one of those people! One of those people that unfriends someone well yea that is me.  And I say that with  a smile, I am kind of proud of myself. Lately it seems my friends are dwindling in some areas and growing in others and I am totally ok with that.  I would rather have my own friends than someone else's friends that is where I am. It's nice deleting people that were always some one else' friends it just took me some time to figure that out.  I wanted them to be mine more than anything and I tried more than hard but if you have to force something then its not really meant to be;. Right?  So in this process the last few months I have begun to unfriend people .  First it was a person here or there that I no longer spoke to, then it was you know what,  these people are reminders of things that hurt, of people that weren't there, of people that were only around me because they were other peoples's friends and I was over it. They were people that were my friends because of association and that is not a friend at all.  I want my own people .  People that have an interest in me and my life, people that I have things in common with that I can share and be respected. People that do not try to put me in a box.

I am not the oh poor girl lets be her friend, Yea NO THANK YOU not interested.  If you are not going to be genuine then please don't bother.  There has been much ingenuousness in my life and I am over it if you care stick around, love me and all my craziness or don't.  I can not make people like me, make them listen or understand, make them hear me so it was time to say goodbye.  I do not wish them bad I just won't be fake. I am not even sure that I know all the ways that this will affect me.  I just can not do it anymore.  I will not be around people that I don't like. I will be polite and courteous but I will not be fake.  Those people that I have unfriended do not deserve to know all the great things that are happening in my life.  I don't want to be the topic of conversations that I am not a part of.  I can say that to unfriend a few people it hurt people that once help my hand and cried with me , then I became an inconvenience and was no longer contacted.  I can not do that.  I am at a point in this life I would rather have my few favorites that I know are there than hundreds that see me drowning and look the other way.

In many ways I am different , relationships, connections are different because I never really had them and I want them more. More than the average person I think, whatever that is!!  I want connection more than you can even imagine but I want the real kind.  The kind where well my house isn't perfect but come on in this is me.  I am not at all saying that I am perfect and I am sure that I have unintentionally hurt others but I will not cry with you be there then turn the other way, EVER EVER!!  It's not in my bones to do that.

I know that I talk about my favorites all the time and I have to say that for once I am not sorry.  Those people have been there, loved me, held me and cared for me.  Even my moments when I pushed them away, told them that I didn't want to be a pest or was not the most lovable they loved me.  I am sure that never again will I have favorites like them, but the life things that I have learned from them.  And often I try to push them back thinking why in the world would they want to be with me and they push back and they are there and they make time for me, how incredible is that!!!  It's more than amazing.  I am beyond grateful the things they  have taught me about myself, life,  friendships, such important things.  And these are people I don't talk to all the time, but they are there all the time and if they didn't want to be they very easily could fade away and they have never done that.  Oh I love them, so very very very much.  When they moved away I was terrified but in that I have grown stronger and the relationship has changed and become what it is today.

I was terrified unfriending people I mean come on I don't have many friends to begin with and here I am just clicking away. Click.....Click.....Click.......  But it was good for me so very good.  I want real friendships and if I just have a few that is totally ok, because the few that I have are the ones that totally matter.  So to my friends that have stuck around oh how I heart your heart I love you and and am more than grateful.

I heart your heart