My brain has been Hijacked

So today is PTSD awareness day. And its something really important that I wish more people understood. Its something that affects more than just our veterans it affects people in the everyday as they try to live their lives and recover from the most unimaginable of things. I get told ALL…..THE……TIME…..to let go to move on, that I am dwelling on things that I am looking at it too much. Part of that is true a small part, but the larger part is my brain. My brain was in such a state of panic and chaos for so long that my brain, still worries about all that has happened. I have been told before that I suffer from PTSD. And I am not sure that it sunk in, ok fine then what can I do to fix it? And there haven't been answers. And again recently someone has said those are all PTSD symptoms. But this time it sunk in differently and it was a wow moment and it was overwhelming.

Yes Sunday, just this past Sunday and I am 40 years old !!!! I learned that my brain has basically been hijacked. And I can tell you that there is a huge relief in that; I am not crazy my friends my brain is doing this . My brain is bringing the pictures and nightmares back, its not that I am unwilling to let go, or not working hard enough That’s not a get off the hook free pass for me either, it means that I have to work a little harder and work differently but it explains a lot of the things going on with me, and there is some crazy comfort in that.

So let me tell you a little something about PTSD. It hurts. Really hurts and some days I just wish that there was this huge grotesque scar that oozed so people would see what my insides feel like and look like. The things that I see the pictures in my head. But no; people see me smile and doing all the things that I am supposed to do and assume that all is well. Well she doesn’t look hurt anymore, it was so long ago, it couldn't still hurt, she just needs to move on and let it go. If someone were in a terrible accident would the same things be said to them ? If someone was in a terrible accident and their guts were falling out all over the road you wouldn't yell at them tell them to stop crying and move on ? RIGHT??? You wouldn't hand them a little band aid and tell them to get over it and walk away? Would you ??

Well my friends my guts are everywhere and I am trying to heal those wounds as quickly as I can. I am working more than hard and crying more tears than you can imagine. I work and take care of my children, do the normal life things dinner, dishes, laundry with my innards hurting like hell , with brutal flashes of memory, and pictures oh the pictures in my head of things I can not change. When all the daily life chores are done and my sweet children are safely sleeping, then I can attend to the gaping wound in my soul that no one can see. I work more than hard doing what I can , sometimes that just is not enough! Another big piece of this is you got it my brain.

My brain has been working to keep me safe from all that has happened in this lifetime. Working overtime 24 hours a day 7 days a week, 365 days a year since before I can even remember because I never knew when someone was going to take something that wasn't theirs to take, I never knew when the next attack was coming. This was all my brains normal. My brain has been working non stop to make sure that I don't forget how unsafe and cruel that this world can be, that we have seen from this world.

So even when someone is kind my brain will show pictures and feelings not letting me forget all the ways that people have been unkind. My brain is always there reminding me but look, Look at all these terrible things that can happen, and they already have don't you forget. We can't let that ever happen again. It takes 100 good things for my brain to let go of one bad thing. It takes 100 good things for my brain to let go of one bad thing. Let that sink in, yea I have a lot of catching up to do. I have had more than my share of terrible awfulness that has happened, believe me I am more than sorry. My mother once told my father that for every nasty thing he did he owed me twenty good things, and he kind of laughed and shrugged his shoulders and said well then I will never get caught up. He was serious. And that was only 20 things, for every bad !!!!

Within the last say 5 years of my life so many good things have happened, and I have healed so very much, but remember that 100 good kind things to heal the terrible awful because that is all that my brain and my heart have ever known. There were good things mixed in every now and then but they were few and far between. Some of the kindnesses that I experience today are firsts for my life and I understand that is a lot for a single person to comprehend. Just for one second, imagine never feeling safe, loved or protected growing up?! Imagine that . I was worth nothing in this life other than doing what someone wanted me to do whether it hurt me or not, they wanted it and were going to take it! That was my reality, that was my everyday as far back as I can remember. I have come a really long way, but I have a ways to go and for people like me, people like you can be one of those hundred moments than can truly truly make a difference. So yes, my brain has absolutely been hijacked but I am fighting, I am fighting the old thoughts and feelings that invade my brain, in a moments notice. Around every corner in my brain there is the fear of another attack just waiting for its chance to happen, and we just can't let that happen, so my brain reminds me of just how awful that things were.

To just realize this about my brain is so powerful. I can not even understand all that it means really, there are so many implications for me in everything that I do. Because I do work oh so hard trying to be ok, trying not to be sad, trying not to miss all that I never got in life, not feeling the shame for the things that I want, or the things I have done. I work oh so very hard and yet the nightmares and the pictures, the flashbacks of seeing that little innocent helpless girl are all there in my head everyday. I can be having a normal conversation and I see things like it was yesterday, they are so vivid, so real in my brain. That is my everyday, Every single day.. No matter how hard that I have worked those things have remained. Sometimes they get better sometimes they get worse but they are always there. And that is my brain trying to keep me safe, that is what it knows.

I can remember the first time someone telling me that my father wasn't coming down the hall anymore….I was 35 years old…..the shock, it was like what, he isn't coming down the hall anymore it was something I never realized. I knew that but in my head that fear was more than real and more than present, that is how strong that this is my friends. And there are thoughts there are things that I believe with every cell in my body that I have to work on changing. There are even thoughts that happen so automatic, that I don't even know what they are yet. Yes, my friends this is what PTSD is all about.

No one can see my wounds, they are invisible to the world for the most part, but I promise you that they are there, Even when I smile. There are a few that know they are there and those are the most precious people. I have invisible wounds, but I have fighting spirit and I am not willing to stop. I just have to fight my brain a little we need to come to an understanding that I am grateful for the help I received, I survived, but I also have a life to live today that I need to get busy living. I understand the fear but I can not live there. I understand the terror, but I am safe. I know the pain but today there is great joy, I just have to feel it. I may always be a little scared but that's life. Life has not been kind, but I am on a road, a great road that can only lead to good things, and I know there are still hard times ahead but I am no where near where I used to be and that is a great thing. Time to take my brain back, this flight is over. I just have to keep gathering the good kind things and someday my heart will overflow with all the wonderful amazing things that this crazy life has to offer.

I heart your heart.

 

 

Blue October : Bleed Out 

My Victm impact Statement

My Victim Impact Statement I wrote it February 8, 1999 on a word processor , how crazy is that !!! Wow so long ago.

　

In the beginning of this whole process, I was doing this for other little kids so they would not have to go through the fear , shame, helplessness and the isolation that my father put me through. For to long, I really believed that I was the only one. That is so much easier to believe because you truly think you did something to cause the abuse. I just kept telling myself it happened keep it to yourself and don't talk about it. Finding out that he also hurt my uncle hit me really hard. I was not the only one anymore there was someone else who knew my father the way that I did. It was a relief to know I was not the only one, but then it hits you who else has he hurt? Then I heard that he was going to be a school crossing guard. I really lost it, this was a man who hated kids and I could not understand why he would do this. It scared me, well there were no children of his left to hurt he would move onto others and I could not let that happen. I had to do everything possible to make sure he would not be able to hurt anyone else. Now it is not just about other little kids its about me. He hurt me, he did those terrible things to me. He took my childhood and everything that it meant. Asking me to tell you how what he did affected me is like asking a blind person to explain what light is when all they have ever known is darkness. It is so hard for me to tell you all the ways that I have been affected when all I have ever known is what he created. His cruelness was all that I ever knew. He took everything that I was as a little girl. He did not physically kill me but piece by piece he took my trust, my innocence and my happiness. He affected my mind , body and soul. All I ever wanted was for him to be my dad and be nice to me and keep me safe and love me all of the time. He never gave me anything, he just kept taking until there was almost nothing left. I think back and I would make excuses for him. I kept telling myself that I must have done something to make him mad. Or if it happened in his bed, I would just say it's ok he must have thought that I was my mother. In my little head that is what I told myself. I just could not understand why he would hurt me like this. He would not even say anything to me. I remember the look on his face It was like I wasn't even there it was about him and what he wanted. He didn't see me crying or acknowledge my cries he really did not care that he was hurting me. I had to live in a constant state of fear, always looking over my shoulderhaving to be prepared for whatever might happen next. I hate that I never got to play like other little kids. I always had to be so grown up. I remember seeing other little kids being on the playground and they seemed so happy. I wanted to be a part of that but I knew that if they knew the things that I did they would never want to play with me. I learned to keep to myself and just try to make it through and hope that someday I would be able to play. I would just hope that I would make it through the night and see another day and maybe he would stop, maybe he would not hurt me anymore. I will never be able to erase all the pictures in my head. He ruined my childhood, I can not get that back. I try to understand why he hurt me like that. I don't think I will ever know. I tried so hard to make him happy nothing ever worked. Everything was taken for his pleasure. So many things he took can not be replaced or even repaired but maybe this is a start. It was done, I have to live with it day after day. The nightmares do not go away. I wake up at night and my legs are asleep again and he is at the foot of my bed with that look on his face. Even today I wake up in the morning and there are bruises all over my legs because I still try to fight him in my sleep. I hate that I am 23 and am still scared of the dark and have to sleep with a light on. I get so sad, it runs through my head a million times a day sometimes and I want to scream and tell everyone to stop until I feel better and figure everything out. Other times all I want is to curl up in a ball and make it all go away. I do not understand how he could hurt me I was his little girl I loved him so much, all he ever did was hurt me. I just want to be ok and know that he will not be able to hurt anyone else ever again.

I had never read this really I wrote it and forgot about it, it didn't mean anything to anyone. The DA asked me to write a Victim Impact Statement and I always just did what I was told. I sent it in to them but that was all. Never heard anything else about it. I never got to read it in court or to anyone really, I felt as though it was a formality and nothing more. But while filming the documentary they asked if I would read it. And I didn't think it really meant anything I didn't think that it said anything of importance, I didn't think that reading it would affect me at all and I was wrong. I started reading and the tears started flowing. I was sitting in a room full of people who were listening and were hearing the impact that my fathers abuse had on me. That was powerful. That was something I had waited a long time for, and not had the chance. I have had people hear me, and the impact but this was something different. This was for my voice, this was so others would understand and do things differently. I have spoken with a few other survivors who have shared their story and are making a difference and I have been placed in the same category with them and yet for me it doesn’t fit. I look to these people in AWE, like wow what you do is something more than amazing and yet I can not see that for me. That feeling that these other people have something special that I just don't have is huge. I see myself in ways that you all can not even fathom. I see awful ugly, I see someone who hates the thought of living the rest of my life in my own skin. I see these others as so brave and courageous and I want to ask them so many questions, how do you do it, why do you do it, why do you keep telling your story when it hurts like hell!!!! I know for me each time I talk about it there are different things that I think and feel, and sometimes its not hard at all sometimes it’s a relief to get the things that are in my head out of my mouth and out in the world. Others time its just all this confusing messed up pictures in my head and I don’t even have any words. It goes back and forth between the two all the time. I keep thinking that someday I am going to talk about it and a light bulb is going to go on and all of the sudden its all going to make sense and its not going to hurt anymore and all the broken pieces are going to fit nicely together and I will be able to gently forever breathe but HELLO CALLAHAN its not going to work like that. Life doesn't work like that. I think I am finally in a better place and moving forward ever so slowly but still moving forward and that is a good thing. I am working with someon who really knows their stuff, I am doing things in a way that I have never done them before and I thik its only going to make things better for me. There are some little things I have to work on about me before I reach in and take care of a few big pieces. I have forever people that are so supportive and truly hear me. Even when I don't say anything they still understand, that is good. The documentary will be out, and I am sure again that will change things. I have found my voice and I don't ever want to loose it ever again. I so hope that it will help others. In all pieces are coming together, I just wish they were a little faster coming together, All my pieces are in the same book but some are the very first chapters some are the last and some chapters are on repeat, yes a work in progress for sure. Some things feel incredibly huge, and I working on making them pebbles instead of boulders. I just have to keep breathing, keep going knowing that good things are ahead I just have to keep believing and know that I am further than I was a few years ago and further than I was even a few months ago.

 

I will make it I will, I have too, that is what I do.  Survive.

I heart your heart.

On being ugly finally wanting more

An import from a long time ago. June 22,2012. Kind of cool when you write then find it again years later.  Another wish in this crazy life of mine, maybe someday, MAYBE.

 

Well lately its been on my mind. Marriage, dating, is this something i want , am i sure ? what if my heart gets broken, would he make a good dad . can I trust someone enough with my heart ? With my children ?what if what if..... I have never really allowed myself to even think about the possibility that I could love someone that much to Marry them but more than that; that anyone could ever love me, like me like that. Today I thought about it even more There was this really cute guy his name was Bradley, he is always smiling, very friendly he has kind eyes and today when we were in the grocery store we got the crazy check out lady and she started talking about Marco Polo and I just listen and smile and she calls over Bradley and started asking him if he knows who he is and he went into that he was an explorer and where he went and things he did but ME I didn't hear a word about Marco Polo and the lady said oh he was like Jacques Cousteau and we (Bradley and I) kind of looked at each other he was like no not really, I am just standing there and I think wow, he is kind of cute like he was totally entertaining the crazy checkout lady ,he was kindly interacting with my kids , I don't know there was just something that made me smile and think maybe could somebody like that love me some day ??

I mean my entire life people said I was one thing then hurt me so I think well fine if I just get ugly then I won't be hurt and people will go away. And for a time that worked, for a time it kept people away and I guess my goal was accomplished. Then I thought you know I don't want to be ugly lost over 120 pounds and was scared to death. I can remember wearing one of my favorite shirts in Hastings and a guy commented on it and I had such an attitude like how dare he look at me how dare he notice. I was polite of coarse but my insides were screaming at him for noticing me. I loved being skinny, I loved being in my own skin for me but I hated people noticing me . There was this guy in one of my psych classes that held doors open for me, that smiled at save the whales all over my paper, I am kind of crazy about getting to my classes on time and he would get there the same time I did! and I would never go out with him, there was Scott who was amazing and so kind, he stood up for me, oh my goodness we would laugh so hard together, we liked some of the same things and yet I was so afraid. There was Yan from Germany, that was AMAZING, I even still have the little monkey from the drink that he bought me. He still brings a smile to my face. One night we were standing in this movie thing kind of like the Omni theatre and I got dizzy and grabbed his arm, and I let go as soon as I did. But he smiled and looked at me with those blue eyes and said its ok you know, i don't bite. And I can remember every second to holding on to his arm, to his smell. He was just there just kind, and I want to give myself the chance to find that.

My entire life i have always just wanted to fade into the background, not making any waves not being a pest not bothering people. But what if I don't want to just fade in anymore what if I don't want to be ugly anymore....... I am at a place where i have true honest friends that I have to say are amazing and things they say about me are sometimes quite overwhelming, who am i to stand out to make a difference who am I for people to notice. Ugly has been my safety only really it wasn't and I am scared to let it go.

All the firsts that I have never had in life maybe its time to jump in, do what feels right for me and see what happens. I am not expecting to find prince charming tomorrow ,though some friends of mine have some pretty amazing stories, or snap my fingers and be skinny again, but I want to love someone and I want to be loved, I want to be special I want the fairy tale I want good things for me. Last night a friend of mine sang in this little coffee shop, which I thought was quite cool, she was amazing. I was watching all the couples around me and my brain doesn't stop like what if someday I could be like one of them, what if someday I could have that special person sitting next to me, what if someday Julie sang at my wedding.... Seriously I have never ever had these thoughts ... I want someone in my life ....I don't want to grow old alone......

I found this perfect little saying that kind of says it all.

He held her like a seashell, And listened to her heart .

　

this is exactly what I want, maybe just maybe someday, because I am ready .

 

OK well maybe not so ready but maybe someday, just maybe. 

　

　

　

This is crazy I wrote this in 2012! Sometimes I think I am so ready to move on, so ready to be a normal person and then at the same time I read this and go HELLO there is no way in hell you are ready for a relationship and don't even think about Marriage, I mean seriously that is one thing that is back in the depths of my brain that is so far out in left field, its more of a joke to me. And in the same breath I want a good guy. I know I am crazy, Imagine that. Maybe someday I just don't know when that is. I want a good guy, not someone to fix me but someone who will be ok with my bad days and not hate me or think I am this awful terrible person. I don't want to grow old alone and at the same time I don't have a clue how I am supposed to get to where I will let someone in either. I have always been ugly and didn't like it when I wasn't I take that back. I liked it for me, but I hated the attention. I am not ready for that part at all. I don't want someone all over me and giving me compliments I want someone who will laugh with me and cry with me and do life, doing what we do. That is what I want. I want him to be kind and helpful and I want someone who notices the little things and makes a difference for people. I want someone who is gentle and funny and compassionate. Ok maybe I do want all these things and sooner than later , YES I would love that, but I am not ready. There are pieces of me that I still have to figure out. There are pieces of me that are no where ready, that 5 year old cowering in the corner yea we need to have her grow up to be ready for any kind of a relationship. Maybe someday maybe. So lets re-read this again in another 5 years and see where I am then. Hopefully better than I am today and maybe ready for that perfect person just for me. 

I heart your heart  

It's going to break your heart and that breaks mine

This time of year is rougher than normal for me and there are reasons that I understand and some that I don't. Father's day is Today and it's usually not that big of a deal. I am not big on the day but its not terrible either. This year is proving to be a bigger deal than what I would like. I would like to buy the corny father's day card, and stupid tie and whatever it is that you buy a dad on father's day . I would always go out of my way and buy him something special something that I knew he would like. I wanted so much for him just to love me, and I knew he didn't just because I was me, so maybe if I got him just the right gift, well that didn't work either. Even once they got divorced, it was sad the number of things that he left behind that I had given him. I guess it was that punch in the gut that wow, I truly meant nothing to him. This year I am not buying anything and my children are not buying anything either. And this year its bothering me, for so many different reasons.

Because I just got back from DC and I am still trying to let it all sink in, the things that I did to keep another little girl safe. Going through the court system how I was treated and I did it on my own. I think its also the kindness that I received in DC the gentleness, I was listened to and heard and oh I really wanted a nice kind good gentle loving dad that was gentle and loved me just because I was me.

And for my children because they are asking more questions, and there are no easy answers. Vincent understands more than I would like to think. He doesn't know exactly but his little mind is spinning. There was even a date line on talking about sexual assault. And I started crying, In one part and I didn't at all mean to it just happened and Mariska said mom why are you crying and I said that I was fine she asked again. And Vincent stepped up and said just stop Mariska leave it alone. He was keeping me safe watching out for me, then asked in a few minutes later if I was ok. My son should not have to recognize that. He should not have to deal with that. And at the same time I think all that is going on with the documentary and everything, is getting us both ready for the inevitable. That hard conversation that is going to break my heart. That I hope I am going to have the right words for.

This week I miss not having a dad. Someone I can go to and ask ok I don't have a job what in the world am I supposed to do, how do I consolidate my student loans? What is a good computer to get ? My key is doing something crazy can you check it out for me ? I have never had anyone to ask those questions too and it makes me sad. I never had a shoulder to cry on, and say my heart was broken dad can you fix it for me can you make it all better? Because he was the one who broke it before I even knew that It was whole. That is just sad.

Everyone will be with Family and laughing enjoying things and I will too for my children. But its just not the same, not the same at all and it hurts this year. No child should have to press charges on her father to keep other children safe. NO daughter should have to go through court, and talk about the terrible things that were done , never should a daughter have to do that, …

And at the same time no son and daughter should have to hear that their mother was raped and that is how they were conceived. Fathers day has never been a big deal in my house, it has always been the joke, well mom just dropped two eggs and had us. And that made me smile, they were all that mattered/ From the moment that I found out that I was pregnant they were all that mattered. I never took better care of myself, I never was more excited, I was going to be a mom and nothing else mattered in the entire world. I was going to keep them safe and sound and protect their little hearts and make sure that they were always taken care of and listened to. And for eleven years that is how things have been. The answers that I have had for them have worked, they have never asked anything specific. They have never asked those questions about their father. This year they have said that they wanted one, and I blow it off, I am not sure that I will ever get married and be able to give them that. Lately things have gotten rough.

Vincent knows more than I give him credit for, he is putting pieces together and things are making sense. Everything I do seems to make him crazy, He seems to hate me most of the time and I don't know what to do. It all started on Thursday. Vincent and Mariska went to a friends for the afternoon they went swimming and just enjoying the day. Well Mariska comes home in tears and of coarse in true Callahan fashion tells me I am fine. I know her too well and I know that she is not, something is going on and Vincent is hanging around waiting to see what she is going to say. He goes upstairs to change and the tears start again from Mariska, and I get the story. Vincent was making fun and poking at her and her feelings were hurt, because everyone was laughing and the other kids brother had friends over so it was exceptionally worse. And her little heart was crushed. My blood was boiling, I was more than angry. I called Vincent down from upstairs, and I asked him what happened of coarse there was enough denial to stretch to the moon and back. He pretended that he didn't have a clue what I was talking about. I tried to stay calm, but of coarse he didn't do anything. I was just trying to breathe. They finished their shower; Vincent still with his attitude, and I asked him do you understand why that wasn't ok. He had this look in his eye, he doesn't care, and I got him to start talking and he really didn't have a clue, he said that Mariska was laughing too, and I started yelling, I said yes I bet she was what else did you want her to do, she was laughing because she didn't know what else to do. Was she supposed to run home crying and have everyone make fun of her no she stayed and laughed because she was more than hurt and that got him. I told him that he was her brother and that she is more important than anyone and he needs to make sure that she is respected and cared for not made fun of. I said that my own brother made fun of me all the time and that it doesn't feel good, and I would often laugh because you don't know what else to do. He knew that he was wrong, he felt bad. SO he pushed and shoved his way through the kitchen, and Mariska told him the tater tots were ready and he bit her head off, and I was done. I had reached the max, and I just told him to leave. He came back for dinner, and was still quiet tears streaming down his face. And I put my hand on his arm trying to ask him to talk to me, to tell me what was going on that I felt like he hated me all the time and I needed to understand so we could make it better. He would stop crying then start again, I would ask him what was wrong and the words I hate most would come out of his mouth "Nothing"

I was getting frustrated you just don't cry like that for no reason and I was asking him are you mad at me, is it Mariska, is it Granny, I was naming everything that I could possible think of then it hit me. He had been making comments for days about how he hated fathers day and couldn't wait for it to be over. And I asked him Are you upset that its fathers day……And those moments…..so many things came together…..And he broke, the sadness that was coming from his heart was unbearable. And I asked what about it, and he couldn't even speak. His sadness is that deep that present, and my heart was breaking I knew what this meant, I could see his hurt heart and I knew that the conversation that I was going to have to have was going to hurt even more.

I sent a friend a message in a panic , like Oh My God this is the moment I have dreaded forever this is the moment that I never wanted to face, that I thought somehow I could get away with not sharing not letting them in on this part of my life. You see that’s the problem its their life too. I have said it would be so much easier to tell my children that I was just a terrible awful slut, that feels better than telling them the truth. But the answer that I got back. "Nope, because that wouldn't be the truth for him or for you. What he needs is as much of the truth you think he can handle. Anything would be better than the truth, I am their mom supposed to keep them safe and sound and keep their heart safe. I don't want to break their heart, but really its already broken. The truth is scary and it hurts more than you can imagine, my children are my life. From the second I found out that I was pregnant they were all that mattered. It was me and them, and that is what is important. I was going to be a mom and that was all that mattered, how I got pregnant and by whom just didn't matter.

But Vincent is putting pieces together and I need to have this conversation and I am beyond terrified because for eleven years I have put that part on the back burner, I said that it doesn't matter, I try to ignore that fact, at all costs. I don't think about it don't name it don't claim it thinking somehow by doing that it wouldn't be true. And its that moment....Right Here Right Now and I am not ready, but this is a moment that no parent could ever possibly be ready for. So today, I have to have this conversation with my children about their father. About what he did and the person that he is and I can not tell you in any words known the depth of this pain.
　

My dear sweet Mariska and Vincent,

I want you to know that I love you more than I Love life. You have made me happier than anything I have ever known. From the moment that I found out I was pregnant with you, the joy in my heart was something that I had never known. I was going to be a mom and there was nothing else better in this world. I was going to keep you safe and sound and protect you from all the awful things that I have experienced in life. I talk to you all the time about how happy I was when I was pregnant, how I loved to feel you move, and I would sit in my rocking chair for hours talking to you and listening to your little hearts just waiting for the day when I would finally get to hold you. I have told you the stories about getting stuck in the tub, and drinking so much milk and eating green beans and chicken and never any caffeine or anything that I wasn't supposed to eat. I took every single huge pre-natal vitamin, I knew that it was best for you. I told you about that first sonogram and how excited I was and she said well there's two …..TWO BABIES and she asked if I still wanted to know if you were a boy or a girl and I cried and said YES, YES of coarse. And she said well baby A is a girl and baby B is a boy. My heart grew and I knew your names, you were my sweet amazing Vincent and Mariska and I never for one second want you to doubt how much I love you and when I have to tell you this hard truth you need to remember all those conversations and that sparkle in my eye as I remember because I would go through everything all over again to get to be your mom. You make my life worth living, you have made me the person that I am.

I am sure that you have questions that you don't even know how or what to ask. You are asked questions in school, how do you not have a dad ? It takes two people a mom and a dad, and you have made little comments here and there that I have ignored and I am more than sorry. I just didn't know what to say. So it is the time, and I need to share this part of our story , its your story its my story and together we can do this, because you mean the world to me.

I was having a rough time, it was after I had gotten back from going to court in Boston and I just wanted to be normal. I had so much going on and I was lonely and scared And I talked to someone over the internet and we were going to go shopping. He was going to pick me up and I was going to help him. That simple. And he showed up at my house and I realized with in a few minutes, that he had no intention of taking me shopping with him. And he hurt me, he forced me to have sex with him. He raped me. And then he left and two weeks later I found out that I was pregnant with you. And I laid on the floor crying with Rizzo, my dog, I was worried about the kind of mom that I was going to be, but every bone in my body was excited, you made me a mom. He did something terrible , but I got my biggest blessings in the both of you. Once I found out that I was pregnant with you nothing else mattered, what he did, who he was, nothing else mattered I was going to be your mom. And to have you both I would do it again with out a single thought. I don't know the questions that you are going to have for me, but I am here and will answer anything that I can. I want you to know that I am more than sorry, that you have to carry this burden but together we can carry it, you don't have to carry it alone, I will always be your mom and love you more than you can imagine. I am sorry that you don't have a true dad but the three of us are a family and we can do this together, I love you so very very much and you always have to remember that any any time that you need to talk or that you have questions I am here, and will answer anything that I can.  I fear that this will break your heart and that is what scares me the most,I am causing you this pain but I can hold your heart and help you heal you just have to let me. 

Oh my Vincent and Mariska, I love you I love you I love you, I hope you always always know that.

I heart your heart

Rape : More than ugly

 

I avoid this word at every turn. It's ugly, life altering. It means terrible awful things. Its more than painful its devastating. At least for me. It's also something that has touched my life from the time that I was 5 years old. And for the last time when I was 29. I try to not say it, I try to say other words that don't sound so harsh. I try to explain different parts of my life and use more friendly words, words that are gentler to hear, there is my favorite well "he hurt me". That doesn't touch the gravity of the things that have happened. I have had people say; Do you consider it rape? and my first response is to cringe and say that is such an ugly word, and almost blow it off like no big deal. I have told my story and had someone say: Did he rape you? My response was "I don't know. he just didn't listen. But I go on and say," I just kept saying no, that that we were supposed to go shopping but my words and pleas didn't matter. And then I just went away until he was done. Yes, Rape in every sense of the word.  And at 5 , I didn't even know what it was, I knew that it wasn't right, that things hurt me, that crying or gettig sick was not the appropriate response.That is hard to accept. This word hurts my heart so very much. It can be more than violent almost life ending and it can be a simple fact of someone getting what they wanted regardless of your cries and fighting. I learned early that sometimes they are going to get what they want no matter the cost to me, and you don't fight. Sometimes the cost was just so great, that my mind had to disappear, and parts of me have just never made it back. I always try to down play, or say other things that don't sound so awful but the reality of the matter is that Rape has been a part of my life for more years than it hasn't.. And that is why I do some of the things that I do. Not at all am I making excuses for but giving an explanation. I am trying to fight the violence and be a normal mom, and friend and teacher and its exhausting. Because when a person is raped by so many men for so many years it affects all of you, you loose a part of yourself, I have lost parts of me that I can never get back. My soul has been touched by evil in ways that no human should ever know.

I have always said one rape would have been a relief. If it was just my father or just Albert, just Don and them. The fact is that because there were so many, that they all played off each other because my father started so early, a predator like Albert found me an easy target. Whether my father knew that I was being raped by him at the same time that he was I will never know, but I have to say how could he not. A five year old is not made for sex, but it happened nightly by my father, then Albert when ever he got the chance, lots of dreaded weekend trips. I was not a normal little girl, how could I be. Some mornings I woke up to having to hide my bloody underwear in the trash. I would wake up unable to feel my legs, they had a constant tremble from the pain. My little body was so very hurt and there was nothing that I could do to make it better. Those first years were the worst, little bodies just are not made for what all those men wanted. And yet I have trouble with the word rape. I can use the word when its removed from my story. Then I think wait a second that is exactly what happened to me. Rape was the reality of the life that I lived ; its absolutely overwhelming. People ask how did you ever make it ? People say its amazing that I am as capable as I am today and I shrug my shoulders . I can tell you I don't at all feel very capable. You survive because that is all that I knew how to do. I learned so very early to just float away, wait until they were done. Let them get what they wanted then wait for them to leave, then gather yourself try to clean up the mess, and be as normal as possible. THAT WAS MY NORMAL. Try to get at least some sleep and in the morning everything will be normal you will be expected to get up go to school, be a normal student then the process starts again the following night, that was my life. How did I do it, it was just what I had to do, there was no other option for me, giving up was never an option, there were always animals to save me, they soothed my soul, or kids to keep safe there was always someone that needed me and that is why that I made it. There was a drive, a deep pull to make sure this didn't happen to others. Even when I was that small my goal was always keeping others safe, I was never a thought but I was going to keep others safe. I wasn't worth anything but was going to make sure others were.  I could never tell anyone what was happening to me, never explain all that I had endured, but then again no one ever asked.

Sometimes I just try to get it all out, because if I go piece by piece trauma by trauma; rape by rape I fear that I will never be done, never be whole. I fear that my heart would completely cave in.   There are so many layers, so very much for one life to process. And I can ignore the word, pretend that kind of vile word doesn't apply to me but it does; in every aspect of the word, in so very many ways and it scares me. It has changed me, it has hurt me it has taken things away from me that I didn't even realize that I was supposed to have. This word fit’s the things that have happened to me. Some were of the most violent kind, some were not violent, my mind went far away but still rape none the less. My life that I have to recover from.

I am still breathing still fighting, still willing to do whatever necessary to make sure that others are treated differently that others are not ignored and disrespected. I continue to look for meaning in all the things that have happened, these cards that I was dealt. I don't know the meaning but I do believe that I am going to find out, that I am closer than I have ever been. Yes the word rape; it is ugly, more than ugly but I am still me, it has happened I am still me. I have survived many, many and yet all that was taken, stolen destroyed there are pieces that were never touched and those are the pieces that survived. Those are the pieces that I need to build and believe that even through all that happened, I am still worth the good things that life has to offer. I am worth living and being a true survivor, I may not be where I want to be, but I am moving forward. That ugly word hurts like nothing else but I won't let that ugly word win. Yes I have been raped, but I can't let that word win. I can't hide behind the words that I am too scared to face. I have to face it, I just have to. And I am sorry.

I heart your heart

Desperate Aching Wonder

I heard these words in a song the other day and it made me cry. Washington DC was more than amazing more than I ever imagined that I would get to be a part of something so amazing. Something that would give me a voice and my heart is sad. There is a huge piece of my heart that is still there with those amazing people that listened to me ;heard me and cared for my heart. They had an understanding of me and I didn't even have to explain!!!! For someone like me that is more than a miracle. I was understood there, and that is something huge. I wonder if I will really truly be able to make a difference. It's a desperate Aching Wonder, because for me there is a drive to make a difference to make people understand. I want so much for others to understand how people like me see the world, and experience life. People were listening and hearing me there; will they listen to me here ? Will my voice be heard and acknowledged ? Desperate aching wonder yes, yes that is it. I am desperate for my aching heart that I will find a place where I belong where I am understood where I am looked at with kindness and not whoa! That girl is all kinds of crazy. And people don't say it out loud but I feel it, I know and they move away and I think that I have done something terribly wrong. But that’s just me. That’s just them. I see the world different and its hard for others to take the time to understand. I want so much more from myself and from others. I don't want special treatment , I want understanding, I was patience, I want someone to sit with me and let me cry then laugh with me, when its all over. People don't even have to sit with me just let me cry and soon I will be all-right. This trip was a new beginning for me and there are once again so many unknowns. I had a voice and I am terribly afraid of loosing it. I am afraid that here I am going to loose it, my voice is going to fade and once again I will be silent. That fear is incredibly huge. I have had a taste of the freedom that comes with having a voice, of people who look at you and see past the trauma, past even the tears and see the fighter that I have been my entire life. There are a few people like that in different states and I need more of that. I don't want people to see me and think oh poor thing, I want people to say I am so very sorry that happened what can I do. How can I help, what can I do to make a difference. No matter how loud that my voice gets, I can not change things for me, the things that have happened to me are there for life, I have hope that the pain will lessen, that happens with the right people but I will never make those pictures in my head totally go away. But I have the power to make things different for others and I will not stop, as huge as a task as that is, I WILL NOT STOP. I can't , I couldn't stop if I tried.

And again I am starting with a new counselor, he is a genuine good guy, born in Boston went to Yale. He knows his stuff, he is laid back and kind, I don't scare him at least not yet, and that is a good thing, I really think that he is going to help me in these next steps of my journey. Its time that I figure out these last pieces, that I really work on me as a person not just the person I was but the woman that I want to be today. When I am around these people, these people that care and understand and hear me truly hear me ;I see different parts of me come out that I like, that isn't so weighed down by all the things that have happened. There are some things that I will always do different, but I have to find a way to do things that fit with the person I want to be today and not the person that I was. Gosh, I do hope that this makes sense. It was my last day in DC and Valerie asked what do you want for you, and the question took me by surprise. I am not sure. I want my own place, my own home for my children. I know that I want my own classroom I want a full time Job in a class with my own kids, but for me just me ? I want to belong somewhere, I want to fit in somewhere. My new counselor asked what about a relationship is that something that I want ? And I don't know, part of me can't ever imagine someone loving me like that. And another part says Yes, Yes, Yes I do want that someday. I want to be special to someone, I want there to be a guy out there that loves all the crazy little things about me and can laugh when I say save the whales, and will help that single mom whose little one needs a friend, and who can listen to my heart and hold it so gentle knowing its one of those days and tomorrow will be better. I want those things for myself. I want to be skinny again. And that scares the absolute shit out of me I can't even tell you. In my head being skinny means being hurt and I can never be hurt like I have been ever again. I would not make it, I would not. In my head I know how very crazy that is, but its going to take my heart some time to catch up, being skinny doesn't mean I will be hurt but my mind has made that connection and I have to break it and make new connections. You have no idea how hard that , this is. Food was my friend, people were never there, food was. People said I was beautiful, well then lets just eat a little more so I won't be beautiful and I won't be hurt. Yea, just the tip of the iceberg on this one. There is so much that is intertwined, that I have to pick apart. Its about being comfortable in my own skin, its about being present in my own body and I can tell you close to 90% of the time I am not. Yes, lots of things to work on. There are still parts of me that feel like that little kid that is scared to death of EVERYTHING. There are things that I do reactions that I have to things that come directly from the five year old that had to grow up too fast. There was no fun, no just do something because you feel like it. I have to learn to have fun for me, and I don't even know what that looks like. I have to look at and figure out what it is that I want and go for it. And finding my voice is a big part of that. I know that no matter what relationship that I am in, or what size that I am or what friends that I have I will always still be crazy Sherri past and all and that has to be ok for me. I can't hate on the person that I was that I have been, I survived, I survived oh so much and there are reasons why I do the things that I do. But its also time to do things different. Figure out where I need to go from here, how can I grow, change and become that woman that I so want to be but am scared to death to find. She is under the weight, under the trauma, under the thoughts of what every one always said that I was, What am I ? Who am I? What in the world do I want for myself ? So its with Desperate aching Wonder that I am about to start a new journey and figure it all out. I can guarantee its going to be rocky, there are going to be good days and I am sure not so great days, but I am sure that each day I will be further than I was the day before and in the end someone is going to emerge and those special people that get me even today will go, "oh there she is we always knew she was in there". And they will give me a hug. Yes, that is the moment that I am most looking forward too.

I heart your heart.

My face

A persons face is an important thing. It can tell us so much. Are they gentle, kind, are they happy or sad. The eyes; you can see so much in a persons eyes. I have realized lately that a few of the most meaningful moments in my life had to do with my face. It was some one touching my face, it was someone showing such caring kindness and I felt important. I mattered, I was seen. It was someone looking at me truly looking at me and seeing me. I felt like I mattered, I was a person to them I was important. Even in movies I love when characters are talking and one person will put their hands on a persons face such a nurturing gesture, I have always said I will know the person I am going to marry by that touch. I know crazy, but that is how important that it is. Not that I am there, or anything I may never ever be but if I do I will be sure in how he touches my face. I know crazy, but I am me.

We all know that my story growing up wasn't at all pretty I always felt ugly less then , I was never worth anything. People didn't look at me and truly see me, they saw what I could do. How I could make them happy.  My face was hurt , my mouth was made to do things, My eyes saw things that no person should ever see . I never remember people looking at me like I was important like I mattered, I wasn't looked at with that look of love, just that kind gentle look when someone is really important I never got that., I was never valued or treated with respect. I never had someone touch my face nicely, I never had someone look at my face , and their eyes smile just because I was me. My face was only good for giving people what they wanted. And for lying, having to smile and pretend that everything was ok.

After this trip to DC and I was shocked at how important it was when some one gently kindly touched my face. The emotions were crazy. I didn't understand why it was such a big deal but I have been writing so much lately, with so many tornadoes swirling in my head and I finally figured it out. Because my face was never important never valued and I have had three people in my life that have looked at me different that looked at me like no one has looked at me my entire life. They looked at me like I mattered.  The little five year old whose life was stopped with so much abuse, is being heard and she  feels like she matters.

The first person was Andy. Some have said that he doesn't count that he was a monster but I don't see him that way. He saved me, he was the reason that I didn't curl up and die when I was gang raped at 13. Yes he was one of the five but he was also the only kindness that I saw that terrible day. He saw me, the other four never saw me. I was nothing to them I was something to be used, but to Andy I was a person and he was sorry, there were times in my shame that he looked away he couldn't' handle the things that were happening to me he didn't want to be there to be a part of it but he was and I will never understand those reasons, why he was involved with them but he was different. The day had been going on for some time. It was hellish indescribable. They had brought me into my brothers room they said they all wanted some private time, I will never understand why. They were brutal, I will never speak some of the things that were done in that room. I wasn't a human, I was no longer a little girl. I was dying in that room, I wanted the next person to kill me get it over with, I didn't want to live. I think part of me wondered if I was already dead . I was trying so hard to comprehend the things that had gone on, why they were still there, why so many turns, why why why. I was lying there naked on the floor, shaking, I knew someone was going to walk through the door, this time it was Andy, I absolutely freaked out, when he touched me , I screamed like my life was ending , like his hands were blades; I thought he was there for his turn like all the others. I am not even sure if I knew it was him it was another body that was going to hurt me terribly. Only he was not. He was gentle, kind, he told me that he was sorry, that I would be ok, I am not sure that my brain could even comprehend what he was saying after going through what it did. He kept telling me it was ok, he wasn't going to hurt me, when I realized that he wasn't going to take his turn, I sobbed, someone saw me and the condition that I was in. I held on to him for dear life. He covered my shivering body, he wiped off my face, at least for those moments in that room with him I got a break from all that had gone on that day. He was my safety, he took care of me. Once he put his hands on my face and said its ok I am not going to hurt you. In those moments I am not sure that I believed him but I needed too. I was grateful. There were a few times during that day, that I just wanted to see him make eye contact so at least I knew that I was still a real live person and that everything was going to be ok. He saw me, he put his hands on my face and told me I was ok. I was 13.

Next time I was 39. It was my graduation and I got a hug from someone and they looked at me they saw me. Maybe even they were proud of me and I felt it all. I felt those things. The way that he looked at me, I mattered. And I got a hug and he gently kissed my cheek. What, me are you sure you want to do that, it was the most perfect gentle moment. No one ever gave me a kiss like that. And on my cheek, my face that I hated that was so disgusting but they didn't see it the way that I did. And it meant the world and at that moment nothing else mattered. And I don't even have many words to describe it, it was so perfect and a moment that I am going to hold in my heart forever. I mattered, and I was truly seen. Someone was proud of me. For someone to finally get that message, at 39 was more than amazing, it was greatness. No one ever looked at me like that. My father only looked at me with such disgust and hate and contempt and to be that old and have someone look at you, with nothing but good things, it's a feeling that I truly can give you only a glimpse at because I can't even get my own head around those moments. I felt like wow this much be what its like to be a little five year old girl who is getting everything she ever wanted. That’s what it was like; like I was getting everything I ever wanted only I wasn't that little girl that was hated anymore. I was me at 39 and even all the terrible things that happened someone was able to look at me and see me, not all the terrible things.

And the last time was a few short weeks ago. When I finally came to the realization why these moments were so very important to me. Because there is a huge part of me that still feels like that scared hurt five year old. I know I shouldn't but I often do. She never got any of the things that she needed she was never told that she was amazing that she was precious, that she mattered, that she was important. She never got that gentle touch to let her know that she was safe and sound. She was never important enough, cared for enough. It was after we filmed for the documentary, My brain was swirling, I felt everything and nothing all at the same time. And I was given a hug and he gently , so gently touched my cheek and said the most amazing things to my heart that went straight to the five year old that feels so dirty and unlovable. And he cried, and I cried and I didn't ever want that to end. Someone once again saw me, not all the terrible things that had happened, not the things that my face had done or been. They saw me all of me and what I was today, what I felt was exactly perfect. I felt like I mattered, I was important enough for someone to care and be gentle and be kind. Oh my heart, my heart grew and there was a piece that will never be the same, that piece will be something much better.

Oh how those things make a difference. Oh how little ones want to be looked at like they are all that matters in the world I know there are more important things out there than me and what I believe and what I have survived. But those moments are the moments that heal; they are the moments that bring me that much closer to me being able to be kind to myself and be able to embrace the little five year old that I once was. If these people can see me and wish things were different. If they can see me and not see what has happened. I should be able to do the same and I sure hope that , that is exactly where I am headed, and that in the end, everything will be ok. Someday I will really truly be ok.  Now finally at 40 years old I am learning and getting the things that I never got as a little girl.  I am learning the important things, Andy is not a forever person but I am grateful for him still. The other two are people that have more than made an impact, on my heart and soul they have showed me things I didn't even know that I longed for.  Things are getting better, I am learning, and that little five year old that stopped living, that stopped growing at such a tender age will slowly catch up to the person that I am becoming today. We will make it because that is what we do and we have forever people to help us.     

 

I heart your heart.