Rape : More than ugly

 

I avoid this word at every turn. It's ugly, life altering. It means terrible awful things. Its more than painful its devastating. At least for me. It's also something that has touched my life from the time that I was 5 years old. And for the last time when I was 29. I try to not say it, I try to say other words that don't sound so harsh. I try to explain different parts of my life and use more friendly words, words that are gentler to hear, there is my favorite well "he hurt me". That doesn't touch the gravity of the things that have happened. I have had people say; Do you consider it rape? and my first response is to cringe and say that is such an ugly word, and almost blow it off like no big deal. I have told my story and had someone say: Did he rape you? My response was "I don't know. he just didn't listen. But I go on and say," I just kept saying no, that that we were supposed to go shopping but my words and pleas didn't matter. And then I just went away until he was done. Yes, Rape in every sense of the word.  And at 5 , I didn't even know what it was, I knew that it wasn't right, that things hurt me, that crying or gettig sick was not the appropriate response.That is hard to accept. This word hurts my heart so very much. It can be more than violent almost life ending and it can be a simple fact of someone getting what they wanted regardless of your cries and fighting. I learned early that sometimes they are going to get what they want no matter the cost to me, and you don't fight. Sometimes the cost was just so great, that my mind had to disappear, and parts of me have just never made it back. I always try to down play, or say other things that don't sound so awful but the reality of the matter is that Rape has been a part of my life for more years than it hasn't.. And that is why I do some of the things that I do. Not at all am I making excuses for but giving an explanation. I am trying to fight the violence and be a normal mom, and friend and teacher and its exhausting. Because when a person is raped by so many men for so many years it affects all of you, you loose a part of yourself, I have lost parts of me that I can never get back. My soul has been touched by evil in ways that no human should ever know.

I have always said one rape would have been a relief. If it was just my father or just Albert, just Don and them. The fact is that because there were so many, that they all played off each other because my father started so early, a predator like Albert found me an easy target. Whether my father knew that I was being raped by him at the same time that he was I will never know, but I have to say how could he not. A five year old is not made for sex, but it happened nightly by my father, then Albert when ever he got the chance, lots of dreaded weekend trips. I was not a normal little girl, how could I be. Some mornings I woke up to having to hide my bloody underwear in the trash. I would wake up unable to feel my legs, they had a constant tremble from the pain. My little body was so very hurt and there was nothing that I could do to make it better. Those first years were the worst, little bodies just are not made for what all those men wanted. And yet I have trouble with the word rape. I can use the word when its removed from my story. Then I think wait a second that is exactly what happened to me. Rape was the reality of the life that I lived ; its absolutely overwhelming. People ask how did you ever make it ? People say its amazing that I am as capable as I am today and I shrug my shoulders . I can tell you I don't at all feel very capable. You survive because that is all that I knew how to do. I learned so very early to just float away, wait until they were done. Let them get what they wanted then wait for them to leave, then gather yourself try to clean up the mess, and be as normal as possible. THAT WAS MY NORMAL. Try to get at least some sleep and in the morning everything will be normal you will be expected to get up go to school, be a normal student then the process starts again the following night, that was my life. How did I do it, it was just what I had to do, there was no other option for me, giving up was never an option, there were always animals to save me, they soothed my soul, or kids to keep safe there was always someone that needed me and that is why that I made it. There was a drive, a deep pull to make sure this didn't happen to others. Even when I was that small my goal was always keeping others safe, I was never a thought but I was going to keep others safe. I wasn't worth anything but was going to make sure others were.  I could never tell anyone what was happening to me, never explain all that I had endured, but then again no one ever asked.

Sometimes I just try to get it all out, because if I go piece by piece trauma by trauma; rape by rape I fear that I will never be done, never be whole. I fear that my heart would completely cave in.   There are so many layers, so very much for one life to process. And I can ignore the word, pretend that kind of vile word doesn't apply to me but it does; in every aspect of the word, in so very many ways and it scares me. It has changed me, it has hurt me it has taken things away from me that I didn't even realize that I was supposed to have. This word fit’s the things that have happened to me. Some were of the most violent kind, some were not violent, my mind went far away but still rape none the less. My life that I have to recover from.

I am still breathing still fighting, still willing to do whatever necessary to make sure that others are treated differently that others are not ignored and disrespected. I continue to look for meaning in all the things that have happened, these cards that I was dealt. I don't know the meaning but I do believe that I am going to find out, that I am closer than I have ever been. Yes the word rape; it is ugly, more than ugly but I am still me, it has happened I am still me. I have survived many, many and yet all that was taken, stolen destroyed there are pieces that were never touched and those are the pieces that survived. Those are the pieces that I need to build and believe that even through all that happened, I am still worth the good things that life has to offer. I am worth living and being a true survivor, I may not be where I want to be, but I am moving forward. That ugly word hurts like nothing else but I won't let that ugly word win. Yes I have been raped, but I can't let that word win. I can't hide behind the words that I am too scared to face. I have to face it, I just have to. And I am sorry.

I heart your heart