This time of year is rougher than normal for me and there are reasons that I understand and some that I don't. Father's day is Today and it's usually not that big of a deal. I am not big on the day but its not terrible either. This year is proving to be a bigger deal than what I would like. I would like to buy the corny father's day card, and stupid tie and whatever it is that you buy a dad on father's day . I would always go out of my way and buy him something special something that I knew he would like. I wanted so much for him just to love me, and I knew he didn't just because I was me, so maybe if I got him just the right gift, well that didn't work either. Even once they got divorced, it was sad the number of things that he left behind that I had given him. I guess it was that punch in the gut that wow, I truly meant nothing to him. This year I am not buying anything and my children are not buying anything either. And this year its bothering me, for so many different reasons.
Because I just got back from DC and I am still trying to let it all sink in, the things that I did to keep another little girl safe. Going through the court system how I was treated and I did it on my own. I think its also the kindness that I received in DC the gentleness, I was listened to and heard and oh I really wanted a nice kind good gentle loving dad that was gentle and loved me just because I was me.
And for my children because they are asking more questions, and there are no easy answers. Vincent understands more than I would like to think. He doesn't know exactly but his little mind is spinning. There was even a date line on talking about sexual assault. And I started crying, In one part and I didn't at all mean to it just happened and Mariska said mom why are you crying and I said that I was fine she asked again. And Vincent stepped up and said just stop Mariska leave it alone. He was keeping me safe watching out for me, then asked in a few minutes later if I was ok. My son should not have to recognize that. He should not have to deal with that. And at the same time I think all that is going on with the documentary and everything, is getting us both ready for the inevitable. That hard conversation that is going to break my heart. That I hope I am going to have the right words for.
This week I miss not having a dad. Someone I can go to and ask ok I don't have a job what in the world am I supposed to do, how do I consolidate my student loans? What is a good computer to get ? My key is doing something crazy can you check it out for me ? I have never had anyone to ask those questions too and it makes me sad. I never had a shoulder to cry on, and say my heart was broken dad can you fix it for me can you make it all better? Because he was the one who broke it before I even knew that It was whole. That is just sad.
Everyone will be with Family and laughing enjoying things and I will too for my children. But its just not the same, not the same at all and it hurts this year. No child should have to press charges on her father to keep other children safe. NO daughter should have to go through court, and talk about the terrible things that were done , never should a daughter have to do that, …
And at the same time no son and daughter should have to hear that their mother was raped and that is how they were conceived. Fathers day has never been a big deal in my house, it has always been the joke, well mom just dropped two eggs and had us. And that made me smile, they were all that mattered/ From the moment that I found out that I was pregnant they were all that mattered. I never took better care of myself, I never was more excited, I was going to be a mom and nothing else mattered in the entire world. I was going to keep them safe and sound and protect their little hearts and make sure that they were always taken care of and listened to. And for eleven years that is how things have been. The answers that I have had for them have worked, they have never asked anything specific. They have never asked those questions about their father. This year they have said that they wanted one, and I blow it off, I am not sure that I will ever get married and be able to give them that. Lately things have gotten rough.
Vincent knows more than I give him credit for, he is putting pieces together and things are making sense. Everything I do seems to make him crazy, He seems to hate me most of the time and I don't know what to do. It all started on Thursday. Vincent and Mariska went to a friends for the afternoon they went swimming and just enjoying the day. Well Mariska comes home in tears and of coarse in true Callahan fashion tells me I am fine. I know her too well and I know that she is not, something is going on and Vincent is hanging around waiting to see what she is going to say. He goes upstairs to change and the tears start again from Mariska, and I get the story. Vincent was making fun and poking at her and her feelings were hurt, because everyone was laughing and the other kids brother had friends over so it was exceptionally worse. And her little heart was crushed. My blood was boiling, I was more than angry. I called Vincent down from upstairs, and I asked him what happened of coarse there was enough denial to stretch to the moon and back. He pretended that he didn't have a clue what I was talking about. I tried to stay calm, but of coarse he didn't do anything. I was just trying to breathe. They finished their shower; Vincent still with his attitude, and I asked him do you understand why that wasn't ok. He had this look in his eye, he doesn't care, and I got him to start talking and he really didn't have a clue, he said that Mariska was laughing too, and I started yelling, I said yes I bet she was what else did you want her to do, she was laughing because she didn't know what else to do. Was she supposed to run home crying and have everyone make fun of her no she stayed and laughed because she was more than hurt and that got him. I told him that he was her brother and that she is more important than anyone and he needs to make sure that she is respected and cared for not made fun of. I said that my own brother made fun of me all the time and that it doesn't feel good, and I would often laugh because you don't know what else to do. He knew that he was wrong, he felt bad. SO he pushed and shoved his way through the kitchen, and Mariska told him the tater tots were ready and he bit her head off, and I was done. I had reached the max, and I just told him to leave. He came back for dinner, and was still quiet tears streaming down his face. And I put my hand on his arm trying to ask him to talk to me, to tell me what was going on that I felt like he hated me all the time and I needed to understand so we could make it better. He would stop crying then start again, I would ask him what was wrong and the words I hate most would come out of his mouth "Nothing"
I was getting frustrated you just don't cry like that for no reason and I was asking him are you mad at me, is it Mariska, is it Granny, I was naming everything that I could possible think of then it hit me. He had been making comments for days about how he hated fathers day and couldn't wait for it to be over. And I asked him Are you upset that its fathers day……And those moments…..so many things came together…..And he broke, the sadness that was coming from his heart was unbearable. And I asked what about it, and he couldn't even speak. His sadness is that deep that present, and my heart was breaking I knew what this meant, I could see his hurt heart and I knew that the conversation that I was going to have to have was going to hurt even more.
I sent a friend a message in a panic , like Oh My God this is the moment I have dreaded forever this is the moment that I never wanted to face, that I thought somehow I could get away with not sharing not letting them in on this part of my life. You see that’s the problem its their life too. I have said it would be so much easier to tell my children that I was just a terrible awful slut, that feels better than telling them the truth. But the answer that I got back. "Nope, because that wouldn't be the truth for him or for you. What he needs is as much of the truth you think he can handle. Anything would be better than the truth, I am their mom supposed to keep them safe and sound and keep their heart safe. I don't want to break their heart, but really its already broken. The truth is scary and it hurts more than you can imagine, my children are my life. From the second I found out that I was pregnant they were all that mattered. It was me and them, and that is what is important. I was going to be a mom and that was all that mattered, how I got pregnant and by whom just didn't matter.
But Vincent is putting pieces together and I need to have this conversation and I am beyond terrified because for eleven years I have put that part on the back burner, I said that it doesn't matter, I try to ignore that fact, at all costs. I don't think about it don't name it don't claim it thinking somehow by doing that it wouldn't be true. And its that moment....Right Here Right Now and I am not ready, but this is a moment that no parent could ever possibly be ready for. So today, I have to have this conversation with my children about their father. About what he did and the person that he is and I can not tell you in any words known the depth of this pain.
My dear sweet Mariska and Vincent,
I want you to know that I love you more than I Love life. You have made me happier than anything I have ever known. From the moment that I found out I was pregnant with you, the joy in my heart was something that I had never known. I was going to be a mom and there was nothing else better in this world. I was going to keep you safe and sound and protect you from all the awful things that I have experienced in life. I talk to you all the time about how happy I was when I was pregnant, how I loved to feel you move, and I would sit in my rocking chair for hours talking to you and listening to your little hearts just waiting for the day when I would finally get to hold you. I have told you the stories about getting stuck in the tub, and drinking so much milk and eating green beans and chicken and never any caffeine or anything that I wasn't supposed to eat. I took every single huge pre-natal vitamin, I knew that it was best for you. I told you about that first sonogram and how excited I was and she said well there's two …..TWO BABIES and she asked if I still wanted to know if you were a boy or a girl and I cried and said YES, YES of coarse. And she said well baby A is a girl and baby B is a boy. My heart grew and I knew your names, you were my sweet amazing Vincent and Mariska and I never for one second want you to doubt how much I love you and when I have to tell you this hard truth you need to remember all those conversations and that sparkle in my eye as I remember because I would go through everything all over again to get to be your mom. You make my life worth living, you have made me the person that I am.
I am sure that you have questions that you don't even know how or what to ask. You are asked questions in school, how do you not have a dad ? It takes two people a mom and a dad, and you have made little comments here and there that I have ignored and I am more than sorry. I just didn't know what to say. So it is the time, and I need to share this part of our story , its your story its my story and together we can do this, because you mean the world to me.
I was having a rough time, it was after I had gotten back from going to court in Boston and I just wanted to be normal. I had so much going on and I was lonely and scared And I talked to someone over the internet and we were going to go shopping. He was going to pick me up and I was going to help him. That simple. And he showed up at my house and I realized with in a few minutes, that he had no intention of taking me shopping with him. And he hurt me, he forced me to have sex with him. He raped me. And then he left and two weeks later I found out that I was pregnant with you. And I laid on the floor crying with Rizzo, my dog, I was worried about the kind of mom that I was going to be, but every bone in my body was excited, you made me a mom. He did something terrible , but I got my biggest blessings in the both of you. Once I found out that I was pregnant with you nothing else mattered, what he did, who he was, nothing else mattered I was going to be your mom. And to have you both I would do it again with out a single thought. I don't know the questions that you are going to have for me, but I am here and will answer anything that I can. I want you to know that I am more than sorry, that you have to carry this burden but together we can carry it, you don't have to carry it alone, I will always be your mom and love you more than you can imagine. I am sorry that you don't have a true dad but the three of us are a family and we can do this together, I love you so very very much and you always have to remember that any any time that you need to talk or that you have questions I am here, and will answer anything that I can. I fear that this will break your heart and that is what scares me the most,I am causing you this pain but I can hold your heart and help you heal you just have to let me.
I heart your heart
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