My face

A persons face is an important thing. It can tell us so much. Are they gentle, kind, are they happy or sad. The eyes; you can see so much in a persons eyes. I have realized lately that a few of the most meaningful moments in my life had to do with my face. It was some one touching my face, it was someone showing such caring kindness and I felt important. I mattered, I was seen. It was someone looking at me truly looking at me and seeing me. I felt like I mattered, I was a person to them I was important. Even in movies I love when characters are talking and one person will put their hands on a persons face such a nurturing gesture, I have always said I will know the person I am going to marry by that touch. I know crazy, but that is how important that it is. Not that I am there, or anything I may never ever be but if I do I will be sure in how he touches my face. I know crazy, but I am me.

We all know that my story growing up wasn't at all pretty I always felt ugly less then , I was never worth anything. People didn't look at me and truly see me, they saw what I could do. How I could make them happy.  My face was hurt , my mouth was made to do things, My eyes saw things that no person should ever see . I never remember people looking at me like I was important like I mattered, I wasn't looked at with that look of love, just that kind gentle look when someone is really important I never got that., I was never valued or treated with respect. I never had someone touch my face nicely, I never had someone look at my face , and their eyes smile just because I was me. My face was only good for giving people what they wanted. And for lying, having to smile and pretend that everything was ok.

After this trip to DC and I was shocked at how important it was when some one gently kindly touched my face. The emotions were crazy. I didn't understand why it was such a big deal but I have been writing so much lately, with so many tornadoes swirling in my head and I finally figured it out. Because my face was never important never valued and I have had three people in my life that have looked at me different that looked at me like no one has looked at me my entire life. They looked at me like I mattered.  The little five year old whose life was stopped with so much abuse, is being heard and she  feels like she matters.

The first person was Andy. Some have said that he doesn't count that he was a monster but I don't see him that way. He saved me, he was the reason that I didn't curl up and die when I was gang raped at 13. Yes he was one of the five but he was also the only kindness that I saw that terrible day. He saw me, the other four never saw me. I was nothing to them I was something to be used, but to Andy I was a person and he was sorry, there were times in my shame that he looked away he couldn't' handle the things that were happening to me he didn't want to be there to be a part of it but he was and I will never understand those reasons, why he was involved with them but he was different. The day had been going on for some time. It was hellish indescribable. They had brought me into my brothers room they said they all wanted some private time, I will never understand why. They were brutal, I will never speak some of the things that were done in that room. I wasn't a human, I was no longer a little girl. I was dying in that room, I wanted the next person to kill me get it over with, I didn't want to live. I think part of me wondered if I was already dead . I was trying so hard to comprehend the things that had gone on, why they were still there, why so many turns, why why why. I was lying there naked on the floor, shaking, I knew someone was going to walk through the door, this time it was Andy, I absolutely freaked out, when he touched me , I screamed like my life was ending , like his hands were blades; I thought he was there for his turn like all the others. I am not even sure if I knew it was him it was another body that was going to hurt me terribly. Only he was not. He was gentle, kind, he told me that he was sorry, that I would be ok, I am not sure that my brain could even comprehend what he was saying after going through what it did. He kept telling me it was ok, he wasn't going to hurt me, when I realized that he wasn't going to take his turn, I sobbed, someone saw me and the condition that I was in. I held on to him for dear life. He covered my shivering body, he wiped off my face, at least for those moments in that room with him I got a break from all that had gone on that day. He was my safety, he took care of me. Once he put his hands on my face and said its ok I am not going to hurt you. In those moments I am not sure that I believed him but I needed too. I was grateful. There were a few times during that day, that I just wanted to see him make eye contact so at least I knew that I was still a real live person and that everything was going to be ok. He saw me, he put his hands on my face and told me I was ok. I was 13.

Next time I was 39. It was my graduation and I got a hug from someone and they looked at me they saw me. Maybe even they were proud of me and I felt it all. I felt those things. The way that he looked at me, I mattered. And I got a hug and he gently kissed my cheek. What, me are you sure you want to do that, it was the most perfect gentle moment. No one ever gave me a kiss like that. And on my cheek, my face that I hated that was so disgusting but they didn't see it the way that I did. And it meant the world and at that moment nothing else mattered. And I don't even have many words to describe it, it was so perfect and a moment that I am going to hold in my heart forever. I mattered, and I was truly seen. Someone was proud of me. For someone to finally get that message, at 39 was more than amazing, it was greatness. No one ever looked at me like that. My father only looked at me with such disgust and hate and contempt and to be that old and have someone look at you, with nothing but good things, it's a feeling that I truly can give you only a glimpse at because I can't even get my own head around those moments. I felt like wow this much be what its like to be a little five year old girl who is getting everything she ever wanted. That’s what it was like; like I was getting everything I ever wanted only I wasn't that little girl that was hated anymore. I was me at 39 and even all the terrible things that happened someone was able to look at me and see me, not all the terrible things.

And the last time was a few short weeks ago. When I finally came to the realization why these moments were so very important to me. Because there is a huge part of me that still feels like that scared hurt five year old. I know I shouldn't but I often do. She never got any of the things that she needed she was never told that she was amazing that she was precious, that she mattered, that she was important. She never got that gentle touch to let her know that she was safe and sound. She was never important enough, cared for enough. It was after we filmed for the documentary, My brain was swirling, I felt everything and nothing all at the same time. And I was given a hug and he gently , so gently touched my cheek and said the most amazing things to my heart that went straight to the five year old that feels so dirty and unlovable. And he cried, and I cried and I didn't ever want that to end. Someone once again saw me, not all the terrible things that had happened, not the things that my face had done or been. They saw me all of me and what I was today, what I felt was exactly perfect. I felt like I mattered, I was important enough for someone to care and be gentle and be kind. Oh my heart, my heart grew and there was a piece that will never be the same, that piece will be something much better.

Oh how those things make a difference. Oh how little ones want to be looked at like they are all that matters in the world I know there are more important things out there than me and what I believe and what I have survived. But those moments are the moments that heal; they are the moments that bring me that much closer to me being able to be kind to myself and be able to embrace the little five year old that I once was. If these people can see me and wish things were different. If they can see me and not see what has happened. I should be able to do the same and I sure hope that , that is exactly where I am headed, and that in the end, everything will be ok. Someday I will really truly be ok.  Now finally at 40 years old I am learning and getting the things that I never got as a little girl.  I am learning the important things, Andy is not a forever person but I am grateful for him still. The other two are people that have more than made an impact, on my heart and soul they have showed me things I didn't even know that I longed for.  Things are getting better, I am learning, and that little five year old that stopped living, that stopped growing at such a tender age will slowly catch up to the person that I am becoming today. We will make it because that is what we do and we have forever people to help us.     

 

I heart your heart.