My Victm impact Statement

My Victim Impact Statement I wrote it February 8, 1999 on a word processor , how crazy is that !!! Wow so long ago.

　

In the beginning of this whole process, I was doing this for other little kids so they would not have to go through the fear , shame, helplessness and the isolation that my father put me through. For to long, I really believed that I was the only one. That is so much easier to believe because you truly think you did something to cause the abuse. I just kept telling myself it happened keep it to yourself and don't talk about it. Finding out that he also hurt my uncle hit me really hard. I was not the only one anymore there was someone else who knew my father the way that I did. It was a relief to know I was not the only one, but then it hits you who else has he hurt? Then I heard that he was going to be a school crossing guard. I really lost it, this was a man who hated kids and I could not understand why he would do this. It scared me, well there were no children of his left to hurt he would move onto others and I could not let that happen. I had to do everything possible to make sure he would not be able to hurt anyone else. Now it is not just about other little kids its about me. He hurt me, he did those terrible things to me. He took my childhood and everything that it meant. Asking me to tell you how what he did affected me is like asking a blind person to explain what light is when all they have ever known is darkness. It is so hard for me to tell you all the ways that I have been affected when all I have ever known is what he created. His cruelness was all that I ever knew. He took everything that I was as a little girl. He did not physically kill me but piece by piece he took my trust, my innocence and my happiness. He affected my mind , body and soul. All I ever wanted was for him to be my dad and be nice to me and keep me safe and love me all of the time. He never gave me anything, he just kept taking until there was almost nothing left. I think back and I would make excuses for him. I kept telling myself that I must have done something to make him mad. Or if it happened in his bed, I would just say it's ok he must have thought that I was my mother. In my little head that is what I told myself. I just could not understand why he would hurt me like this. He would not even say anything to me. I remember the look on his face It was like I wasn't even there it was about him and what he wanted. He didn't see me crying or acknowledge my cries he really did not care that he was hurting me. I had to live in a constant state of fear, always looking over my shoulderhaving to be prepared for whatever might happen next. I hate that I never got to play like other little kids. I always had to be so grown up. I remember seeing other little kids being on the playground and they seemed so happy. I wanted to be a part of that but I knew that if they knew the things that I did they would never want to play with me. I learned to keep to myself and just try to make it through and hope that someday I would be able to play. I would just hope that I would make it through the night and see another day and maybe he would stop, maybe he would not hurt me anymore. I will never be able to erase all the pictures in my head. He ruined my childhood, I can not get that back. I try to understand why he hurt me like that. I don't think I will ever know. I tried so hard to make him happy nothing ever worked. Everything was taken for his pleasure. So many things he took can not be replaced or even repaired but maybe this is a start. It was done, I have to live with it day after day. The nightmares do not go away. I wake up at night and my legs are asleep again and he is at the foot of my bed with that look on his face. Even today I wake up in the morning and there are bruises all over my legs because I still try to fight him in my sleep. I hate that I am 23 and am still scared of the dark and have to sleep with a light on. I get so sad, it runs through my head a million times a day sometimes and I want to scream and tell everyone to stop until I feel better and figure everything out. Other times all I want is to curl up in a ball and make it all go away. I do not understand how he could hurt me I was his little girl I loved him so much, all he ever did was hurt me. I just want to be ok and know that he will not be able to hurt anyone else ever again.

I had never read this really I wrote it and forgot about it, it didn't mean anything to anyone. The DA asked me to write a Victim Impact Statement and I always just did what I was told. I sent it in to them but that was all. Never heard anything else about it. I never got to read it in court or to anyone really, I felt as though it was a formality and nothing more. But while filming the documentary they asked if I would read it. And I didn't think it really meant anything I didn't think that it said anything of importance, I didn't think that reading it would affect me at all and I was wrong. I started reading and the tears started flowing. I was sitting in a room full of people who were listening and were hearing the impact that my fathers abuse had on me. That was powerful. That was something I had waited a long time for, and not had the chance. I have had people hear me, and the impact but this was something different. This was for my voice, this was so others would understand and do things differently. I have spoken with a few other survivors who have shared their story and are making a difference and I have been placed in the same category with them and yet for me it doesn’t fit. I look to these people in AWE, like wow what you do is something more than amazing and yet I can not see that for me. That feeling that these other people have something special that I just don't have is huge. I see myself in ways that you all can not even fathom. I see awful ugly, I see someone who hates the thought of living the rest of my life in my own skin. I see these others as so brave and courageous and I want to ask them so many questions, how do you do it, why do you do it, why do you keep telling your story when it hurts like hell!!!! I know for me each time I talk about it there are different things that I think and feel, and sometimes its not hard at all sometimes it’s a relief to get the things that are in my head out of my mouth and out in the world. Others time its just all this confusing messed up pictures in my head and I don’t even have any words. It goes back and forth between the two all the time. I keep thinking that someday I am going to talk about it and a light bulb is going to go on and all of the sudden its all going to make sense and its not going to hurt anymore and all the broken pieces are going to fit nicely together and I will be able to gently forever breathe but HELLO CALLAHAN its not going to work like that. Life doesn't work like that. I think I am finally in a better place and moving forward ever so slowly but still moving forward and that is a good thing. I am working with someon who really knows their stuff, I am doing things in a way that I have never done them before and I thik its only going to make things better for me. There are some little things I have to work on about me before I reach in and take care of a few big pieces. I have forever people that are so supportive and truly hear me. Even when I don't say anything they still understand, that is good. The documentary will be out, and I am sure again that will change things. I have found my voice and I don't ever want to loose it ever again. I so hope that it will help others. In all pieces are coming together, I just wish they were a little faster coming together, All my pieces are in the same book but some are the very first chapters some are the last and some chapters are on repeat, yes a work in progress for sure. Some things feel incredibly huge, and I working on making them pebbles instead of boulders. I just have to keep breathing, keep going knowing that good things are ahead I just have to keep believing and know that I am further than I was a few years ago and further than I was even a few months ago.

 

I will make it I will, I have too, that is what I do.  Survive.

I heart your heart.