My brain has been Hijacked

So today is PTSD awareness day. And its something really important that I wish more people understood. Its something that affects more than just our veterans it affects people in the everyday as they try to live their lives and recover from the most unimaginable of things. I get told ALL…..THE……TIME…..to let go to move on, that I am dwelling on things that I am looking at it too much. Part of that is true a small part, but the larger part is my brain. My brain was in such a state of panic and chaos for so long that my brain, still worries about all that has happened. I have been told before that I suffer from PTSD. And I am not sure that it sunk in, ok fine then what can I do to fix it? And there haven't been answers. And again recently someone has said those are all PTSD symptoms. But this time it sunk in differently and it was a wow moment and it was overwhelming.

Yes Sunday, just this past Sunday and I am 40 years old !!!! I learned that my brain has basically been hijacked. And I can tell you that there is a huge relief in that; I am not crazy my friends my brain is doing this . My brain is bringing the pictures and nightmares back, its not that I am unwilling to let go, or not working hard enough That’s not a get off the hook free pass for me either, it means that I have to work a little harder and work differently but it explains a lot of the things going on with me, and there is some crazy comfort in that.

So let me tell you a little something about PTSD. It hurts. Really hurts and some days I just wish that there was this huge grotesque scar that oozed so people would see what my insides feel like and look like. The things that I see the pictures in my head. But no; people see me smile and doing all the things that I am supposed to do and assume that all is well. Well she doesn’t look hurt anymore, it was so long ago, it couldn't still hurt, she just needs to move on and let it go. If someone were in a terrible accident would the same things be said to them ? If someone was in a terrible accident and their guts were falling out all over the road you wouldn't yell at them tell them to stop crying and move on ? RIGHT??? You wouldn't hand them a little band aid and tell them to get over it and walk away? Would you ??

Well my friends my guts are everywhere and I am trying to heal those wounds as quickly as I can. I am working more than hard and crying more tears than you can imagine. I work and take care of my children, do the normal life things dinner, dishes, laundry with my innards hurting like hell , with brutal flashes of memory, and pictures oh the pictures in my head of things I can not change. When all the daily life chores are done and my sweet children are safely sleeping, then I can attend to the gaping wound in my soul that no one can see. I work more than hard doing what I can , sometimes that just is not enough! Another big piece of this is you got it my brain.

My brain has been working to keep me safe from all that has happened in this lifetime. Working overtime 24 hours a day 7 days a week, 365 days a year since before I can even remember because I never knew when someone was going to take something that wasn't theirs to take, I never knew when the next attack was coming. This was all my brains normal. My brain has been working non stop to make sure that I don't forget how unsafe and cruel that this world can be, that we have seen from this world.

So even when someone is kind my brain will show pictures and feelings not letting me forget all the ways that people have been unkind. My brain is always there reminding me but look, Look at all these terrible things that can happen, and they already have don't you forget. We can't let that ever happen again. It takes 100 good things for my brain to let go of one bad thing. It takes 100 good things for my brain to let go of one bad thing. Let that sink in, yea I have a lot of catching up to do. I have had more than my share of terrible awfulness that has happened, believe me I am more than sorry. My mother once told my father that for every nasty thing he did he owed me twenty good things, and he kind of laughed and shrugged his shoulders and said well then I will never get caught up. He was serious. And that was only 20 things, for every bad !!!!

Within the last say 5 years of my life so many good things have happened, and I have healed so very much, but remember that 100 good kind things to heal the terrible awful because that is all that my brain and my heart have ever known. There were good things mixed in every now and then but they were few and far between. Some of the kindnesses that I experience today are firsts for my life and I understand that is a lot for a single person to comprehend. Just for one second, imagine never feeling safe, loved or protected growing up?! Imagine that . I was worth nothing in this life other than doing what someone wanted me to do whether it hurt me or not, they wanted it and were going to take it! That was my reality, that was my everyday as far back as I can remember. I have come a really long way, but I have a ways to go and for people like me, people like you can be one of those hundred moments than can truly truly make a difference. So yes, my brain has absolutely been hijacked but I am fighting, I am fighting the old thoughts and feelings that invade my brain, in a moments notice. Around every corner in my brain there is the fear of another attack just waiting for its chance to happen, and we just can't let that happen, so my brain reminds me of just how awful that things were.

To just realize this about my brain is so powerful. I can not even understand all that it means really, there are so many implications for me in everything that I do. Because I do work oh so hard trying to be ok, trying not to be sad, trying not to miss all that I never got in life, not feeling the shame for the things that I want, or the things I have done. I work oh so very hard and yet the nightmares and the pictures, the flashbacks of seeing that little innocent helpless girl are all there in my head everyday. I can be having a normal conversation and I see things like it was yesterday, they are so vivid, so real in my brain. That is my everyday, Every single day.. No matter how hard that I have worked those things have remained. Sometimes they get better sometimes they get worse but they are always there. And that is my brain trying to keep me safe, that is what it knows.

I can remember the first time someone telling me that my father wasn't coming down the hall anymore….I was 35 years old…..the shock, it was like what, he isn't coming down the hall anymore it was something I never realized. I knew that but in my head that fear was more than real and more than present, that is how strong that this is my friends. And there are thoughts there are things that I believe with every cell in my body that I have to work on changing. There are even thoughts that happen so automatic, that I don't even know what they are yet. Yes, my friends this is what PTSD is all about.

No one can see my wounds, they are invisible to the world for the most part, but I promise you that they are there, Even when I smile. There are a few that know they are there and those are the most precious people. I have invisible wounds, but I have fighting spirit and I am not willing to stop. I just have to fight my brain a little we need to come to an understanding that I am grateful for the help I received, I survived, but I also have a life to live today that I need to get busy living. I understand the fear but I can not live there. I understand the terror, but I am safe. I know the pain but today there is great joy, I just have to feel it. I may always be a little scared but that's life. Life has not been kind, but I am on a road, a great road that can only lead to good things, and I know there are still hard times ahead but I am no where near where I used to be and that is a great thing. Time to take my brain back, this flight is over. I just have to keep gathering the good kind things and someday my heart will overflow with all the wonderful amazing things that this crazy life has to offer.

I heart your heart.

 

 

Blue October : Bleed Out