Vulnerable

 

What a week it has been. I am overwhelmed , grateful and Indebted to people who don't give up on me. I know I am not an easy friend. I feel like I am one of those people that something is always wrong. I try so hard to smile and be fine. But there are also days when the weight that's in my heart becomes to heavy to hide. I am sure it started on super bowl Sunday , not a day with good memories and it just breaks my heart; and it has just continued. First it was that stupid game then it was Valentines, then a week of being home because of ice snow and freezing temperatures.

Here are the things that have mattered that are forever's, that keep me strong.  That keep me with this crazy warrior heart that never ever fucking gives up even when I am sure that I want to.  

If you are here, your name, your heart, how you reached out to me; know I more than consider you a forever; so be gentle with my heart. I don't break but I bruise easily and know how very very grateful that I am. 

It started last week with Valentines day really. This is one of those holidays I can't ruin for others so I am silent and wait for the day to end.  I hate this holiday more than you can know.  And yet my friend Valerie, she was the director of my documentary, sent me a text first thing Saying happy valentines day and hoped I was well.  That meant the world and made the day that much more bearable. She is a forever even before I met her in person and that is something truly special.   Again a few days later thrilled to hear from Valerie again, she was making sure that the kids and I are ok , and safe from the artic blast.  Those are the things that mean the world when you don't have a tribe or people that are all yours. Then to have someone reach out and make sure your good.  Just my heart.  Again a few das later she reached out again, she made me cry because she is just that special to me.  Then I hear from Neil  , he co produced the documentary. He is something truly incredible, I have never in my life known that kind of gentle kindness and the only time that I have said I want a dad like that.  This was part of his email. 

You should know by now that we will always consider you and your family to be near and dear to us.  Guess you’re stuck with us!

Let us know how you’re doing.  Stay safe.

Neil

That.  That is a forever.  And for once in my life its not just me.  There have been plenty of times, I call people forever's and yet its just that one sided, and how those sting . But with Neil and Val they are forever's. I am theirs and thy are mine that is such a rarity and that , that is a reason to keep fighting. 

Then I was like really done.  I was tired of boiling water, tired of being cold, tired of melting snow to flush the toilet.  Exhaustion had set in , I posted a Facebook post ,  I didn't ant anyone to answer or respond it was just a fact that things were not good.  And I had people with snow experience offer to come pick me up and take me to their house to have a shower and warm up.  Like for me they offered that for me...... that is mind blowing.  More tears, that I wasn't alone that someone saw and heard me.  That is forever.  Someone offering to care for me.....I have not known much of that. 

The ones who stuck their head in my room and said Hello, the ones who offered to help with my car. Like they said you know you can always ask me for help.  That, so much that.  Those are the things that are forever that I will never ever take for granted. Wednesday when another forever showed up for me,  hearing him coming knowing that who I was in that moment was ok, that the tears were ok, that my heart was going to be cared for; that is a feeling I want to hold. 

Then tonight.  One of my favorites sends me this. After a hellish day, my brother shows up then , its just Drama and hurt.  This is a forever.  

So in these hellish last few weeks these forever's that I have, have made such a difference and I don't know what in the world that I would do with out them. 

I hope that they all know how very grateful that I am and even though this heart of mine is more than heavy right now, its a time and I am going to keep fighting and I will be ok.  Who wouldn't be ok with people like this around you.  I truly love you guys. 

I feel so all alone in this world, then look at all those people that reached out that show up for me, what right do I have to stop fighting when there are people on my side. Truly Truly Grateful.

I heart your heart. 

Soul Sad

 

I think I am coming to realize that there will be a level of sad for me always. I wish I could draw a picture of what that looks like but I am no Artist. All I have is this gentle heart of mine, not so great English, lots of run on sentences  and oh so many words. 

So here I try.

So much has been violently taken in my life. I have had to fight for everything. For myself, my children, other children. Not one aspect of my life has been handed to me, not even even childhood.  I am a fighter that is what I do, but I also believe there is a level of  inherent sad that I never remember not having. I have come a really long way, that is true.  But that sad, that deepest soul sad is something indescribable that I hope you never know.  What people see on the outside is more than different from the inside.

 With any amount of happy, there is a tinge of sad. Sometimes unimaginable, sometimes just a little pebble in my shoe but its always always there. I have had to learn to see things different my entire life, because I never knew any other way. All those good warm happy feelings are not things I started out with. There is a sad that comes with an entire life lived in Survival Mode. There is a soul sad that comes with my life, that never ever goes away.  I do not have words for these last few weeks for me and I won't even try right now, because no words would do them any kind of justice.  

I have missed out on big life experiences, I have had experiences that directly have come from the violence in my life.  I am not saying that there are not good things, or that I am not happy , because there are times that I am truly happy.  I am saying that with my happy there is a kind of soul sad, that just is for me.  Because there are things that will always be a struggle.  There are things that will make me hold my heart and just sway with the trees until the longing go away.  There are happiest of days, that I don't ant to move because life hurts.  There are days I am ready to go, have great happiness and there are moments that deepest sad creeps in and their is no reprieve. 

I think that the older I get, the more that I realize,  this is just how things are.  I have an unbelievably amount of love and happy in my heart , that is part of who I am.  But this soul sad is also a part of who I am, and it is not something that I can pretend isn't there. 

I have been told, it sucks to be you, 

I have been told church is the only thing that will fix it, 

I have been told I made my bed so lie in it, 

I have been told so many things and really I only wanted to be heard, this is a kind of sad that just is that at times needs to be heard and at times just needs to sit in the quiet.  I am learning that to survive even this soul sad, I need to give it space and remind it that there are good things in life and not to let it take over.  

These last few weeks, soul sad has been winning. Soul Sad has been a battle, that I continue to fight.  I am sure there will be a day the fog lifts again.  This is just another part of the consequences of this life that I have lived.  Of the things that have been done.  So to all of you that have said the things above, you should know better.  This Soul Sad is not a sad that can be ignored, or I can pretend that it doesn't exist.  It's there. And I will continue to write with my incorrect English, and run on sentences, for even a little piece of freedom and an acknowledgment that this Soul Sad is more than real and it affects the person I am whether that fits into who you think I should be or not.  

To my soul sad, I know you are there and I do understand and I will keep fighting,  you will not win but I will acknowledge you are there, take a moment or an hour , days or even weeks to hold you and I will come out on the other side of the darkness. 

I heart your heart. 

I'm ok because I have to be....

 

I'm ok because I have to be, NOT because I am. 

I was standing in the kitchen then this. It made me want to cry, Scream even. I am tired of fighting. I am tired of the pretending and smiling and feeling like there is something terribly inherently wrong with me. But yet, that is exactly what I do. I smile, I get up every single day and do all that is expected. I keep going keep fighting because that is all I have ever done. I am glad that I fight, I am also tired.

This is the place that I am in. I don't know how to get out of this stuck place. I feel weak, and sad.  I feel discouraged , irrelevant and helpless.  I can't see the other side of whatever this is.  I feel worthless in a way and that is a feeing that I have struggled and fought with my entire life.  I am questioned as a parent and someone that said they were here as a support for me is everything but. My decision as a single parent is questioned and I get the shoulder shrug, not the disrespectful, rude almost 17 year old and I do not understand that.  I will never understand really.  

I am ok because I have to be and I am trying really hard for everyone to believe just that. Inside I am screaming and so angry that I am even beyond tears.  I would like to understand this alone feeling. I had people reach out and make sure I was ok during that crazy artic blast I had people reach out, offer their warm homes, their fireplaces, even their showers;  those things were so extremely kind and yet this feeling of aloneness is extreme.  In this world its me, and I don't know how to do things different.  It's always been just me from the time I was 5, and today at almost 46 that is what I know and I don't want it to be like that anymore.  I need people , how awful is that.  That is a feeling that feels disgusting to me. I want and need people and that scares the shit our of me.

It was a beautiful day outside , So I had Mariska get my book and we were going to sit out back and enjoy this almost 80 degree weather.  Then Vincent comes out, and is just negative.  Then my mother comes out. I just needed some time to be me, to be with nature, to feel the breeze and look at the trees.  I need that and I don't get it in my own house. 

Vincent argued all night no matter what.  He was defiant and obnoxious.  Even walked out of the house is one night a week to stay home too much to ask for ?  He doesn't care, I don't know what to do and there is no support for my choices and decisions. I looked at him tonight and I saw Charles and it scared the life out of me.  His build his muscles, how he was standing his lack of respect, and not hearing me.  That is my son that I love more than anything and I literally don't have a clue what to do those feelings.  His chest, his muscles, oh my heart.  NO one should ever have to deal with things like this. Unimaginable.

I am in a place that I am not going to do things different to make others happy.  I need to be me.  I need to have my things in their place. I need to have things tidy and neat.  I need , see there is it again....I need..... I need .......my only thought what a needy Bitch. That hurts my heart.  I need so much right now and it feels very far away.  Even the last few weeks I find myself not wanting to come home, to my beautiful home and that is a place that no one should be in. 

I am more than trying to smile to be happy to be ok because that is what is expected.  I promise you I am so not fine and I can't even tell you all the ways that I am not. 

I heart your heart

Inside out

 

If you saw what I felt from the inside out

You would run. Run far away.

Because I promise If I could run I would.

But running for me isn't an option, just A dream in my wild imagination.

Because the things inside ;happened to me; are a part of me, and there is no reprieve

I could run forever and still not get away. 

Because no wish in the world can make the things in my head any better.

They are what they are, and they will hurt my heart for always

So I can run with utter exhaustion trying. Or stand in the horror, frozen in pure evil.

Feel it, cry it out, write, scream and talk. Do it all; with all that you are 

Do anything just to survive the aftermath, just please don't give up.

Because your going to want to, your going to want to stay in bed, cover your head

And scream at the world. Scream until your throat hurts, until you think your still 

Screaming and realize there is no voice left, just incredible silence

You will want to give up so fiercely....

Because the energy it takes to keep breathing is immense, and unattainable

The energy it takes to smile and do everything your supposed to is a weight like no other

Because there will be days that are so heartbreaking that you will wish that one of your 

Assailants just finished you off,  killed you squeezed a little harder and taken 

your breathe for the very last time; it's just that heavy. 

A kind of heavy that is too much to bare, yet what I carry is a burden that can't be shared

This is a burden to carry alone and little by little as you collect more pieces of your puzzle

Maybe with some time patience and  if you get lucky, someone who can handle your dark

 will be ok with your inside out. I think sometimes, that keeps me going. 

Someday 

I 

just 

hope 

being inside out 

will be ok and not so devastatingly isolating . 

I heart your heart.

Just doesn't work anymore

 This one is hard. It makes me cry; the ugly kind of cry. Even the mere mention and it literally breaks my heart. This is one of  those things that isn't easily spoken and there is such shame and hatred for doing something like this just to make things better, make them hurt less. Literally this made everything go away for even a short time, and I was more than grateful.  It was the chips that took away the gnawing in my soul, at least for a time.  Chips somehow made everything disappear , the feelings, the thoughts even sometimes the physical pain. I can remember the first time realizing what it was that I was doing, that I was eating just to not have to feel.  I was sitting beside the orange chair that was in my parents bedroom. The one that Don had sat in.  The one where the phone call was made calling the others. The bedroom where so much innocence was taken.

They were these cheesy nacho  tortilla things,  and I was smart enough to put them in a container because then you didn't hear the sound of the bag.  And I sat there beside the chair under the window and I was eating them as fast as I could. I was in my own little world and for that time my world didn't hurt.   I remember our foreign exchange student, Oliver walking in and saying hello.  I sat up trying to be normal and I asked him if he wanted any.  He made some snarky remark and  he said no, that he would rather an apple.  I felt awful, like I was doing something terribly wrong, ashamed to be sitting there, ashamed that I was so happy sitting there eating them .  And I can remember thinking an apple isn't going to take away all that is wrong inside of me.  An apple isn't going to ease the ache in my bones, the strain in my hips or the lack of restful sleep. An apple won't take away the pain inside  that seems endless when even walking is painful.  

This is so brand new, and something I have  never ever spoken of ever.  I think now its becoming an issue because it just doesn't work like it once did.  Now I eat chips and I get so angry that what once made everything all better now is just a reminder that there is nothing that is going to take it away.  There is nothing to ease the ache; to stop feeling the weight of every trauma under my skin and through each and every cell.  There is nothing that takes that kind of pain away.  I have always hated being in my own skin, being a girl, having to do the things that I did.  The things that I had to learn to do. The things I had to learn to do better  to make things easier on myself.  How do I even write that, how am I worthy after that ? How did I as a little girl learn to do things that I should have never even known what they were in the first place.  I see those things, in pictures, in memories, I even sometimes feel like its happening and there is nothing worthy there. I can not find an ounce of worth in any of the gross and disgusting, and lately that feels devastating.  It took me so long to come to want little Callahan around.  To understand that she was this innocent little kid.  Yes somewhere that changed, yes she was innocent but I don't see that thirteen year old like that. I don't see her as a little girl.  I see the jobs she did, I see what was done to her, I see ways in which she reacted and she is disgusting. I hate her. 

Eating something crunchy was a way to forget , to forget what he did. I don't totally understood how it worked, but that was my out if for a short time. Sometimes there were things that seemed worse than the rapes.  At least with being raped I found it easier to go away someplace far far away.  I was not meant to serve his every need , though I didn't have a choice.  So I would sit and hide and hope that this time the chips would make everything ok and I could just forget the things that he did.  

I sit here and my fingers are refusing to move the weight of this is immense. Literally my heart feels like its in a vise and what is left is draining. Its a dead kind of heavy that hurts. My chest  is pained and there is no way around this other than through it.  But I don't want to, this deep dark secret that kept me alive. I have trouble seeing the worth in a girl hiding behind a chair eating a container of chips. I struggle finding worth in a girl learning to do things different to make things easier. I struggle with the worth because of the things that I did, the things that I knew. There were so many times I literally gave up because I knew it was going to get taken whether I wanted to or not.  I struggle forgiving myself for that. 

Chips was my way of coping and I am feeling kind of lost because that just isn't working anymore.  Now it seems so simple eating some chips to make all the evil in the world go away, today, that just isn't working.  I feel so stuck because the feelings are so big, and I can not find the love for that little girl that was so alone.  SO I guess its out and maybe just maybe the load will lessen. I guess they say that the more you shine the light on something it looses its power right ?  It feels selfish and stupid sharing, , I just can not keep it inside, I have never told this to anyone and I can't let it keep hurting my heart.  

So what does a girl do when the things that used to work to make things go away to make them better doesn't work anymore ?  That is a very scary place to be, and I think that is part of the reason why I feel like I am on permanent not ok MODE. Like I want to scream how not ok that I am and at the same time the world keeps spinning and all I want it to do is stop until I can catch up. Someday, Someday, just maybe I can catch up. 

I heart your heart.

Enlightened witness

 

I think this is what every one wants really. When we share our stories of horror of shame of the most unbelievable crime that can be committed, we want someone to sit beside us. We want some one to pass us the Kleenex listen to our heart and offer some tea. There is nothing a person can do to heal this oh so hurt heart. All that I ask is that you are a witness. That you hear me see me and do things different. I ask that you give me time, I ask that you understand the depth of the pain is something that takes a very long time to heal.  There will be days when I can laugh, I can smile and all is well with the world.  Then there will be days when the darkness is overwhelming when the nightmares come to stay for a bit and there is little sleep to be had.  This is something that happens and nothing that can be made to go away.  It's all a part of the healing.  Sometimes I want to talk sometimes I just want to sit, watch a movie to help me cry, because the emotions are too much and I have shut all feeling off for a time. I know I am complicated and needy.  I need you to stay, just to be.  I need you to check on me and make sure that I am ok.  I need you to be gentle with my heart, because there are times its more fragile than you could ever imagine. I am not a flower that will shatter but your actions make more of a difference than you know. I just want to know that you care whether I am happy and all is well or if I am sad and want to run away.  I need you to remember that every day I am fighting and some days I just might need a little more effort.  I so understand that each and every one of you has your own lives.  But I can also tell you a quick hello takes a mere seconds and literally means the world.  If I let you know any of this, or share pieces of my heart you are important and I think a lot of you.  So whatever you do walk away now if you can't handle this heart of mine, because you can not meaning to or not YOU can not add any more heartache to this  tender heart of mine. Just be there laugh with me cry with me celebrate with me and know that good things will happen. I need to be enough exactly where I am on any given day.  I will move the moon for you, all I ask is that you value and respect where it is that I am.  I am not asking you to move the moon just be a witness for me and be patient. 

I heart your heart 

Super Bowl Sunday

 

The super bowl has never been my favorite. I am not a huge fan of football. I don't really understand the game and comment more if they are cute how old they are and if they have a family. You know the important things. Superbowl has been a day, where I have been made to feel small and insignificant. My feelings have never been seen or validated, but pointed out and laughed at. 

There was the time I was invited a Superbowl

party. It was a time I had nothing, and used my last 20 dollars to bring cupcakes. I didn't know a lot of the people, and was generally uncomfortable. Most of the people were church staff and friends, So yea I was out of place.  I didn't eat or drink anything. I was just an observer, then the host comes up to me and asks for money for the pizza. My heart sank, he knew I had nothing . I am pretty sure I went to my purse and got my gas money for the week. Always behind and out of place.  I never did eat any of that pizza, Nothing like adding to your already uncomfortable. I am pretty sure we left not long after that. 

Done with super bowl parties for a few years.  Then we were on our own living with someone in Plano. She gets in my face laughs, and says I probably want to make plans , for tomorrow she is having a super bowl party and knows how I feel about people I don't know and laughs in my face. I had nothing. I was hurt, no one likes being laughed at. I went to my room and called a friend asking if I could be there. She was already going to a party but I was invited and included. Once again, mostly church staff. It was ok. At least I felt welcomed. I remember the host was pregnant and I brought her flowers. 

So today all these years later, these two days stand out and still sting. I think I am much better off just doing things on my own. Maybe someday I will have my very own Superbowl party. And I will invite who I want, will include everyone  and not expect a single thing. Just gather and enjoy. Someday someday !!

I heart your heart.

Worst Decision

I am not sure how to put this into words, there is a huge part of my heart that feels so incredibly guilty. I am so torn and I am more than struggling. I am miserable and hate the entire situation.  I hate having my mother live with me, there is no break no breather and I fear the break that is coming.  

Things went down hill once she had weight loss surgery. I became something that got in her way, I was the fat daughter she wanted nothing to do with.  I stood for everything she hated and I felt it in my bones. Everything I did was disgusting to her. What I did, ate said  was far beneath her. I was the dirt under her shoes, the feelings that her coldness, and actions created in my already fragile heart; I was done.  I can remember the exact moment it was over. We were sitting on the couch, I was crying the kind of cry where you cant catch your breath, and so many words wanted to escape but the deep sad won, and no words were even understandable anymore. As I sat there my heart literally breaking, no one on my side she sat there and just shrugged her shoulders. No care. No concern. No compassion she wanted us out , my final semester, of my student teaching. A single mom on food stamps, working as a substitute on the days I didn't have school, I had no one. We were no longer welcomed in the house where my children were born, where they had learned to walk and had many firsts, we were no longer wanted. There was nothing there for me, once again in my life;  I wasn't wanted. That isn't something you get over really. So I was done, relationship broken beyond repair. I had nothing, but my children. I was disposable. I had no idea how I made it through college, guess that is just what I always did, keep going.

It was a few short weeks later, we moved out and I never looked back. It had been years apart, years of cruelness. Words seen and spoken that can never be taken back. Years of doing it all on my own. There was little to no contact with her. There was no support, no feeling for me and such a sense of self centeredness radiating from her that I was done, completely done with. There were pieces of me that were beyond repair.  So I finished school, took care of my children, I fought for everything, finally I was getting a little ahead. I found the most amazing people, did the documentary. I was getting stronger, my heart still tender but oh so strong. Until once again I became disposable, no one stood up for me. No one asked about my heart. Once again I was left by others, just an outlier. There was no support, no kindness no offers for help. No one asked about my heart, that was the worst part people chose sides, So I faded away. Only this time I was stronger and I found our very own perfect house, all on my own.  The kids and I made it. So many new experiences, We moved to Anna. My very own happy place that was mine, no more being dismissed and discarded. We had made it. Little by little my mother would call and come over. Short periods of time, that didn't hurt my heart. Those times got longer, things were working. It was my home she was a visitor, with her own place, it was ok.

Then she lost her job.  

After a year of searching, no job options, severance running out, I had the big idea, well why don't I get a bigger house and you can move in with us. I thought it was going to be different, but I am sure that was hope talking, I should have known. I so should have known. I felt bad for her and didn't know what she was going to do.  She had her house, no job and very little social security. So she sells her house, it sells in 2 days. Then we find a bigger house in Anna , the town which I had always called my place. There were a few red flags. I worried about being a homeowner, the expense, the upkeep. My concerns never heard. I am a single mom 2 children and a teacher Salary, then add a too big house. That was never a thought, I was never a thought. It was the continuous Ill be fine Ill be fine. The feelings I had in my very own home before are slowly slipping from my hand. 

Now, I have been in this house going on 5 years.

And there is no escape no breather for me. There is no safe place for me just to be.  This isnt a place where I am valued and seen. This isn't a place where who I am is important. This isn't a place where I am even tried to be understood. A black sheep in my own home.  All of the things that shredded my heart before, are happening now. I know the saying the predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Yes all of that. All of this I should have known.  Each year there have been more Docters, more complaints , more surgeries, not medicine. She plays the poor me victim; it's a way of life for her. I do everything to be as far from that as possible. A victim I have never been. She gets in between my children, and places great value on boys, and very little on girls. Every move I make every action is judged, I am 45. I have survived a million life times she knows nothing about, all on my own. I deserve to be free as the person, I have worked so hard to become.  The food issues that started the downfall have begun again, and I am torn. All the things that she stands for are things I can't get far enough from. She is my mother, that is all. She  stands for so many things in my life that I have fought so hard to move past. I have fought so hard to stop myself from drowning, To keep my head above water and keep swimming forward. She is the hand that without knowing, caring or wanting to do things different; keeps pushing me back underwater. That is no way to live. The life I have worked so hard to recover from is the life where she lives. Two worlds so far apart. One who is comfortable, one who wants more for herself and her children. These can not coexist under the same 4 walls. I am drowning in the lack of respect, and her refusal to see and understand the person I am today.

She asked are you mad at me  just the other day and literally has no clue that my anger has wells so deep, that they are unreachable. The things that I struggle with that I fight are things that began way back even as a baby. I miss the peace, of being in my own home where my things are exactly as I left them. I miss the quiet, I miss being able to light a candle, write and cry to relieve the thoughts inside. I miss coming home to my clean house where the things left out are from two teenagers. I hate the ugly pioneer woman that she has spewed across my kitchen. I hate her incessant talking to herself. She walks around bent over arms swinging expecting so much from everyone.  She makes a mess, leaves it for others. She talks like a two year old, whining that she doesn't know how to look something up.  Its poor her all the time. Talking to my brother is useless, he calls us the old married couple who gets on each others nerves. He laughed, doesn't understand, this is far from that Because I did not chose my mother.

I have no idea what the future holds. I am scared, I am exhausted. I am afraid this will last for a very long time. I worry when I don't want to come home. When my children are so affected. When Mariska is picked on, Vincent is used. This is not all that I have longed for. I  envision that safe  peaceful place that I once had. I am torn do I become small and sad accepting I invited her in. Do I find the courage to say this isn't working, I need my own place to be, to heal, to feel. I am 45 and need a place where there is acceptance and freedom. I do not know what is next, with all that is in my heart I hope I am able to find some solution, without anymore damage being done to my heart, because I am torn and tired of drowning.

I heart your heart.