Soul Sad

 

I think I am coming to realize that there will be a level of sad for me always. I wish I could draw a picture of what that looks like but I am no Artist. All I have is this gentle heart of mine, not so great English, lots of run on sentences  and oh so many words. 

So here I try.

So much has been violently taken in my life. I have had to fight for everything. For myself, my children, other children. Not one aspect of my life has been handed to me, not even even childhood.  I am a fighter that is what I do, but I also believe there is a level of  inherent sad that I never remember not having. I have come a really long way, that is true.  But that sad, that deepest soul sad is something indescribable that I hope you never know.  What people see on the outside is more than different from the inside.

 With any amount of happy, there is a tinge of sad. Sometimes unimaginable, sometimes just a little pebble in my shoe but its always always there. I have had to learn to see things different my entire life, because I never knew any other way. All those good warm happy feelings are not things I started out with. There is a sad that comes with an entire life lived in Survival Mode. There is a soul sad that comes with my life, that never ever goes away.  I do not have words for these last few weeks for me and I won't even try right now, because no words would do them any kind of justice.  

I have missed out on big life experiences, I have had experiences that directly have come from the violence in my life.  I am not saying that there are not good things, or that I am not happy , because there are times that I am truly happy.  I am saying that with my happy there is a kind of soul sad, that just is for me.  Because there are things that will always be a struggle.  There are things that will make me hold my heart and just sway with the trees until the longing go away.  There are happiest of days, that I don't ant to move because life hurts.  There are days I am ready to go, have great happiness and there are moments that deepest sad creeps in and their is no reprieve. 

I think that the older I get, the more that I realize,  this is just how things are.  I have an unbelievably amount of love and happy in my heart , that is part of who I am.  But this soul sad is also a part of who I am, and it is not something that I can pretend isn't there. 

I have been told, it sucks to be you, 

I have been told church is the only thing that will fix it, 

I have been told I made my bed so lie in it, 

I have been told so many things and really I only wanted to be heard, this is a kind of sad that just is that at times needs to be heard and at times just needs to sit in the quiet.  I am learning that to survive even this soul sad, I need to give it space and remind it that there are good things in life and not to let it take over.  

These last few weeks, soul sad has been winning. Soul Sad has been a battle, that I continue to fight.  I am sure there will be a day the fog lifts again.  This is just another part of the consequences of this life that I have lived.  Of the things that have been done.  So to all of you that have said the things above, you should know better.  This Soul Sad is not a sad that can be ignored, or I can pretend that it doesn't exist.  It's there. And I will continue to write with my incorrect English, and run on sentences, for even a little piece of freedom and an acknowledgment that this Soul Sad is more than real and it affects the person I am whether that fits into who you think I should be or not.  

To my soul sad, I know you are there and I do understand and I will keep fighting,  you will not win but I will acknowledge you are there, take a moment or an hour , days or even weeks to hold you and I will come out on the other side of the darkness. 

I heart your heart.