My heart is in Colorado

So this year I got the chance to spend Thankgiving with my favorite people in Colorado. It was more than amazing; more than awesome; and in so many ways I felt whole. A feeling that I don't feel very often. Its like all my broken pieces loose their edge and the pieces that I desperatly try to figure out just fade away. I could write pages of words to try and help you understand why these people are so important, but its just something that is. James was my training wheels, my encourager my biggest supporter, and Amy was someone who I looked up to, she was funny, and truthful and honest and sarcastic and I loved it, I loved her even before I really knew her. There just was something different something special from the very beginning. And it has been that way since I met them only 5 years ago. I was a big old mess when I met them, and they loved me anyway. When I first met them i would literally dream about sitting in their kitchen and just seeing their family and imagining what that was like. I remember those dreams so very clear. I was just sitting against the wall, smiling watching, I never imagined they would become so important and be such a major part of my life. Everything about these people is more than a miracle for me. Yes, they are just every day normal people but for me its so much more than that. I love them more than much, more than I have loved anyone besides my children.

So it all started and I got a call saying that James had a question for me and to give him a call. I was more than a little shocked; a question for me, I was always the one with all the questions. So I sent an email, and they said that they were thinking and that would I want to come to Colorado for Thanksgiving?!? Would I ? What does the tooth fairy fly ? Is the Sky Blue ? Do I love whales? YES,YES,YES My heart was busting inside. We weren't sure if my old car would make it and Catrina said that I could take hers. Then in the same week that I am invited to Colorado with my favorite people, I was blessed with a new car. Perfect for my trip to Colorado.

I was more than excited, the kids were ready to pack weeks before we were leaving. This was a break that I needed. This was a chance to be with my favorite people in the whole world, and just be. With them I don't have to explain, I can just be and that is ok.

So we were going to leave Tuesday morning then things changed, And we were going to leave early Sunday morning and get there in the evening. SO Saturday we ran around crazy, nothing working like I wanted it too, stores not having what I wanted, kids being grouchy, it was a mess of a day. And we didn't get home until late and I still had to do all the laundry and pack. So needless to say I did not pack well AT ALL! But by the time I was packing I didn't even care, I was going to COLORADO !!!! SO got the kids in bed, and continued to get things ready, then finally was in Bed by I would say around 1....really how could I sleep anyway....

Amy and James had moved away about 2 years ago, and I still missed them the same. It hadn't lessened. It had not gotten easier. I didn't cry everyday or every month anymore but there was a hole, that they were were gone. I accepted it, people can move, it happens but my heart was broken and they could visit and I wouldn't cry, but there were ok; there are still times when I miss them so very much that I just can't stop the tears, one of the only things I can cry about lately, is missing them. But I was going to spend the holiday with them and their family, oh my heart. These were the people that cared for my heart this is where I truly wanted to be. And they were talking about being excited and that they couldn't wait for me to come, and that felt so strange. I can like to be around someone and dare I say need people but when someone is excited about seeing me ?!? Yea that is something foreign, it felt good to be wanted and for someone to be excited about getting to see me and the kids. I felt loved, and my heart was more than happy.

So I was up around 4 am and packing up the car and we were on the road by 5. I was seriously busting, the ride there was awesome, well mostly awesome. We stopped about 4 hours in at a rest stop where there were signs everywhere saying beware of rattlesnaks, and it made us laugh. We could not believe that we were finally on the road to Colorado. We kept driving driving and finally we were out of Texas and into New Mexico. Vincent kept asking Are those mountains ? And I would smile and say no thats just a hill, and he would ask if I was sure. There were a few light snow showers that were pretty exciting, we were like little kids that had never seen snow, yea we were a little excited! There were a few tears on the way there, my heart was just so happy. It almost didn't feel real. And then finally we saw the sign welcome to Colorado and the tears just came. It was true and I was going to see my favorite people in a few hours. I couldn't believe it, it was one of those It's really happening moments, and I was in Heaven. The mountains were so beautiful and the snow was picking up mile by mile. And then it snowed harder and harder, until it covered the roads and then snow plows were needed. Then out of nowhere a little mini ice-storm and staffic was stopped. I was so close, and that crazy ice !!!! The kids thought that it was quite cool, all the snow on the ground. I was shaking, I was sliding and the car would not move, I have grown up in Texas I don't know how to drive in ICE ! It felt like we were stuck forever, moving less than two miles an hour but we eventually got passed it. After being honked at and other cars speading by, a few more miles down the road and all was clear we were almost there , and I just couldn't get there fast enough.

And we made it, and Amy was home it was more than Perfect. Amy had made a dinner for us and put in the oven we got to talk a little the kids were playing, my heart was happy, my heart was very happy, my heart was very very happy. I just sat relaxed on the couch, James got home, I got a hug, one of those hugs that just makes all your broken pieces go back together, and I was grateful to be there, I needed them.

Monday the kids and I got to take little Nathan to Target with us, because the girls still had school, as we picked up last minute supplies and ingredients. We had so much fun, we laughed so much, it was perfect. We rolled rolls Then we had a special dinner that was their community group, it was fun, there were good people and oh yea we learned that putting sweet potatoes under the broiler and walking away might not be a good idea, but it was an easy fix and a few new bags of marshmellows and all was well. Once we were able to get the firealarm off and open some windows , you would never know we had an inferno in the kitchen. HEHE still makes me laugh, it was perfect though. Tuesday was the same we had a blast poor Amy was a little sick so All the kids and I played and had some fun and just chilled. I enjoyed every single second. I was present every single second and it was more than amazing. Each day was perfect, each day I felt loved each day I even slept. But it was real sleep, with no nightmares, not once while I was there were there any flashbacks, there was nothing, I was in the moment each and every second and that felt so good, even at the Party Monday, I was all there, and it was fabulous. Vincent and James played Video games and Vincent was in heaven he even dreamed about playing and was super excited having a man around. Wednesday evening we went to this most awesome burger place, and i have to say it was the bomb, and there were these fries with truffle oil ! OMG they were amazing. It was truly perfect and all was well in my world. Then the Pie Party that wasn't my favorite, I didn't know anyone, but it was fine, I just sat back and watched, and then we made it home to get ready for Thanksgiving dinner. There was chopping and laughing and getting everything ready, I was in the Wiebe's kitchen helping with thanksgiving dinner and I was in heaven.

Thursday time flew by, I waanted time to slow down, I got to see the Garlands who used to live in Texas and had also moved to Colorado. I got to meet Aunt Penn and Uncle Bill. I got to meet another woman and her mom that go to their church. There was no drama, it was just perfect peaceful, fun. We played games after dinner, it was wonderful. There were no worries on my heart and I was happy. I was a part of something awesome, and I was holding each and every precious moment. Then from the Bathroom I hear Nathan Mariska made a mess!! It was like uh oh what kind of mess and as I turned the corner, yep it was a mess Mariska had a touch of that stomach bug..... YEA not pretty and little nathan says "It's ok I will clean it up," such a sweetie. So we put her in the tub I cleaned the bathroom, and we all ended up watching Starwars, with a sound system that shakes you in your seat and it was pretty awesome.......

Then it was Friday I was well aware our time was winding down, we would be leaving soon, I knew that it was going to be rough I didn't realize how tough until Friday. Ellie still wasn't feeling so hot, So her and Amy stayed home and decorated the entire house which looked absolutly beautiful, and James and I with Nathan, Emma, Vincent and Mariska went to see the mountains. It was more than perfect. We learned so much. Everything was perfect. It was a warm 72 degrees and on top of the mountain it was a very cold 36 with lots of wind !!!! Yea I was freezing but it was so amazing. We took lots of pictures but I can tell you no picture could ever capture just how beautiful that it was. There was absolutly nothing like it. It was on the way back down the mountain, that the tears started, I was going to be going home and I didn't want to. These people made my heart happy and I wanted to be there. It was back to reality, I still missed them terribly and I was going to have to leave in the morning, that was not fun. I felt so whole and I didn't want to loose that. I tried to hide it and I mostly did I think. We got awesome pizza for dinner, with garlic knots oh they were amazing !!!! Then down to the basement for a little transformers it was more than awesome! We put the suitcases in the car, got some of our things packed Then aunt Penn and UNcle Bill came over and we played more games, pure perfection. Then We were all talking in the kitchen and little sweet Emma started crying that she didn't want us to leave. And I had to go in the restroom and the tears wouldn't stop, I didn't want to leave either. There were lots of tears this day, I knew that our time was coming to an end and my heart was breaking. I loved this family I teased that I was going to be a stow away and that I wasn't going home, I was kidding but I was serious, I felt that amazing there. My heart was happy and cared for, and I was there in every second and that was more than amazing and felt really good. So we all said our goodnights and went downstairs, and I kinda fell apart. I just couldn't stop crying. I didn't want to leave, I cried for hours and my poor eyes, I wrote and I cried and cried some more, there wasn't much sleep. If I didn't sleep I wouldn't have to acknowledge that we were leaving, yea, didn't work. I had to come back to Texas. I slept a total of about 3 hours. And it was time. I was loading up the car, and I wasn't expecting everyone to be up yet and when i walked in everyone was up and I started right away. There is no Good in Good-bye that is for sure.  I hugged Amy and James, hugged the girls, I wanted to do it fast, it was more than hard and really hurt, I could stay there forever and be perfectly happy. And I hugged James and held on, I didn't want to let go, I just love this family so very much and they mean the world to me. The gifts that I was given all week were such a blessing to me and my heart was breaking it was coming to an end.

We had to get gas before getting on the road and the tears didn't stop. And Mariska cried and we cried together then we would stop then we would cry some more. We would go then be ok then I would hear a song or see the sign that I was leaving Colorado and the tears would start again. Such an amazing wonderful week and I had to drive home. I cried off and on all the home, and I was trying to be grateful for the time that I had not sad that I had to leave, but it was hard.

We made it home and I love my home its calm and peaceful and beautiful. I love the people that have blessed me so much here in Texas. But I have to say Colorado kept some of my heart. Its different, its away from here. Nothing bad happened there, there were no bad memories, only love, LOTS OF LOVE and my heart was often overwhelmed with happy and that felt amazing.

I am not sure what the future holds. I am not sure what is next what doors may open or close but I know what I felt there was real and I know that these people love me and I love them more than I could ever put into words. It was a wonderful amazing, incredible week that I will hold close and remember forever. Hopefully soon there will be a time when i will go back again. So until then, I will remember how amazing that it felt there and look forward to next time.

People have asked me in the past what is it about them that makes them so important, and often there are no words they just are. What is so special about them, they love me and all my pieces, they care for me heart, and make sure that I am ok. They care for my heart These people came into my life and changed my world and for that I will be forever grateful. I will always miss them, but maybe someday we can be closer , who knows anything can happen.

So my people I love you more than you can imagine. I am grateful I got to spend this time with you, you are truly loved . I heart your heart and know I am more than blessed by you. I love you more.

I heart your heart.

Thoughts on being a mom and a survivor

I saw a post on facebook recently talking about being a mother and a survivor and how no one talks about it, how it's a subject that many people deal with everyday but there are no people to go to when those hard questions come up. And it really made me think. It's amazing the way I parent is totally a result of all the things that I experienced growing up the way that I did. There are more survivors out there than you can imagine and a lot of them are parents and yet we don't talk about it, we don't even talk to each other, and that is a problem.

I am noticing this more and more as the kids are growing up. I use the term "normal" parents lightly, but only meaning parents that do not have an abuse history. There are so many issues that are Coming up as my children reach puberty and its really really Hard. How do you explain sex when, that was your experience from the time that you were five. I didn't have name for it, but I knew what was expected, what I had to do and what I had to endure. So as I think about explaining this to my children its more than difficult to separate my experiences from just the facts about sex, because for me it just isn't the same. For me those facts are hurtful those facts stole my childhood.

I imagine normal parents talking to their kids and I think it goes something like this: Sex is when two people love each other and yada yada yada, and they give the correct words for body parts and what happens and everything is clear and black and white. Ok so I have never experienced that how In the world am I supposed to explain something to my children that I know nothing about. Sure I can talk about the mechanics, with the real words then want to puke because of what those things mean to me, and that is more than difficult.

I am sure there is a part of me that feels my innocence was lost once the first violent act was committed, my innocence was long gone by the time I was 5. By that time I knew what my father wanted. Then by that time the neighbor Albert started raping me, and I knew what to expect from him, I knew that what they were doing hurt me. And still later when I was gang raped and wasn't believed and told I was basically an attention seeking slut. I truly believed well this must be what I am good for. For me all of this is what I attach to sex, so you could say, yes explaining sex to my children is terrifying!!!

I remember the "Sex Talk" that everyone gets in fifth grade. By then I was a pro, I knew exactly what was wanted, I knew what to expect. I knew that sometimes the less I would fight the less that it would hurt. And I remember the shame, the disgust, the sadness that this day brought for me. I remember the girls sitting around me, talking about how gross and disgusting that Sex was that they could never imagine something like that. I remember the laughs, the giggles, this was my life, I already knew this information, maybe not the correct words, but this was my life experience. So I sat there knowing all to well, I had to do those things almost every night. There were two men who already hurt me like that. There are so many emotions and terrifying fears that are attached to this for me , and I don't want to scare my children I want them to believe that sex is a normal thing, a part of life but how do I do that and teach them the good things when I don't have a clue myself. I understand that by not speaking with them, I would be doing them a great injustice, they need to know that they can talk to me about anything and that sex is truly ok. Sex is a part of a life when you can make that decision, when you find that person that you want to share you heart with. So for this one I have to put my own thoughts and feelings aside and explain and discuss how things should be…..And I get that its just so very foreign to me.

In my heart I do not believe the things I will have to tell them, in my heart by me explaining and talking to them it takes a part of their innocence that I am not ready for them to loose. For me explaining, talking to them about sex is opening an entire can of worms that I wish I could keep them safe from forever. There are so many complicated things in my own head and its about trying to separate things in my own head and doing what needs to be done.

My heart is more than heavy as I write this, I literally feel like there is not only one elephant on my chest but a heard of them all sitting right here on top of me and it takes my breath away. I am terrified. As they learn about sex and what that means. They are smart and will put things together. They have asked a few questions and I know that the time is coming, they want some answers. I know that there is some understanding and it is truly breaking my heart. I absolutely hate this with all that I am if I could just keep them safe and sound their entire lives, and have them not know some things, it would do my heart good but that also isn't real life. I know that but it sure doesn't make things any easier.

As they learn about sex, as they absorb that information I have questions that I fear them asking that run through my head a million times a million. Well if sex takes two people, and they make a baby ? But you had us ? What about Bob? Well what about rape? I feel like with each question will come more and I have to do what is right for them, and I will. I promise that I will. At the same time I wonder the cost of that on me. The entire weight of explaining this is on me and its heavier than you could ever imagine. I am thinking the toll is going to be great, and I worry that I just won't be enough, I worry they will put pieces together, and think differently of me. I worry that in learning about sex they will put things together that I am scared for them to know. I don't want them to know about the evilness of the world and the things that can happen. And I also know that I can not keep them safe forever. That maybe in knowing it will make them smarter, more passionate and more understanding in their own lives and families as they grow into adults.

This is my fight in life that I feel my children will be a part of whether they want to or not. And as much as I want to keep it away, it’s a truth my truth that just is. There is information that they are going to come to understand that I fear will be a burden to heavy for them to bare. But at the same time my silence can become a burden to them and I can not do that either. Such a bind that women like me are in, such a BIND, you have no idea. I want to do the right thing for them, for their little hearts, and I want to do it the right way, in just the right way. I am afraid that I will fail, because I feel like I have to explain it from a "Normal" mom perspective and not the one that I have.

So as a Survivor that is still healing that still struggles with the things that have been done to my soul, for my children I have to explain things as they should have been and not what I experienced in the world and that there is the battle that I have to face.

But its not just talking to them about sex, its so very many other things, its living in their everyday, the normal life experiences, as a survivor, those experiences were so very different , each and every experience for me was touched by violence, pain and evil. And my children are growing up not having those experiences. And for that I am grateful, but sometimes it’s a struggle , its finding the balance between my past and creating a great future for them. It's me having to remember that I see ALL things through my trauma goggles, and I have as far back as I can remember. And I see them being kids, doing normal things, experiencing regular normal everyday things as a normal 10 year old and at times its hard for me to understand, harder than you can ever imagine!!!!!

　

As a survivor I see the world so very different I see some tender kind things in the little and I notice the things that often go un-noticed. With all the things that I see different, I see my children growing up different in the everyday, going to a friends house, sleeping over, for me those are all things that have a million red flags. Albert was a neighbor of our best friends growing up, no one would have ever thought, so I fear for my children. And the boundaries between letting them be kids and enjoy their friends and enjoy the simple things in life of being 10 , I see the boogie man around every corner, I see the things that could happen, I see the things that I have experienced and I get scared. I am scared for them and scared for me. I know that I have done a good job and they are aware and they know what is right and wrong but the fear is there. It can happen so fast and the damage is done. There are bad people out there and I know that if anything were to happen to my children, I would not forgive myself. I see Mariska flirting with boys and my insides turn inside out, I want to tell her to stop to be grown up, not to bring attention to herself, NOT to do all these things. I want to tell her to stop, that she is attracting attention! And I know that’s my past speaking. Its more than hard to watch, but I know that I have to let her experience life and oh my heart it is more than rough. Vincent is so perceptive, he picks up on everything and I worry for his tender heart. How he will treat me, other women, can I teach him what is good and right and true?!? It is all there the things I worry about it. As they grow up there are times when things become harder for me and as they move into these next years its going to be EVEN harder. I was so on my own all the time for everything. Middle school is not fun any way that you look at it. And its worse when rape, abuse and pregnancy was a part of your normal and trying to balance the life that I had with the much better life that I have created for them sometimes my past wins, sometimes the fear wins and sometimes I loose. There are so many things that I want them to understand that I want them to be careful of and at the end of the day, I have to remember that they have had a totally different life then I did and they will truly be totally ok. I can not protect them from the world forever keep them in a bubble, safe and sound. I can give them the information that I have and let them lead their best life.

   

Mathew West : Safe and Sound. Just how I want to keep them.

 

When there are no words, just wounds

So these last few weeks have had many highs and lows, interviews, no offers, lots of uncertainty, and at the same time some really awesome amazing things have been happening. My new car, that is absolutely beautiful, Being invited for Thanksgiving by my most favorite people in the whole world. My life has had a little of everything these past few weeks and yet I am struggling with the PTSD and it is not fun, it is not good. I generally keep it pretty covered, I can cover it pretty well, I have gotten really good at it. But a few weeks ago I was not so lucky. I had a flashback in the shower and it was so real so intense that I ended up rubbing my skin raw because I could still feel their hands. That is serious.  That is terrifying.

It was noticed a few times by people and I blew it off, oh I just scratched myself, its nothing, not a big deal but it was more than that. And its finally healing, doesn't look so terrible, but I know its there and I know that I did that to myself and I hate it. I am working really hard, at healing and I feel like there are some things that I just can't control. Like I am fine and all of the sudden I do something like this and BAM I feel like a crazy woman .

Its crazy I function every day and am this amazing teacher in the classroom. I can say with out a doubt that is one thing I can do well and feel like i do a really good job. When its just me that PTSD is alive and kicking. Since I haven't been crying it has gotten a little worse, the things that are dying to come out are trying to find someway to get my attention and that day in the shower was a wakeup call. I can not keep hurting myself, and I didn't know or realize I was doing it until it was over but that just is not ok. So I am going to have to work on this.

The nightmares get old, there is no rest and its bad enough when I can recall every detail but those mornings even when I don't remember but wake up exhausted because I have been fighting all night .....those are rough. I get more than angry that I don't have more control over this part. And I have been working on it, trying to picture random things, and do some exercises to help make them go away and it works a lot of the time, which is pretty awesome but the really bad ones not so much. The really big ones yea not so good.

Not sure I have ever had one that was this bad, and its scary. I know that nothing is happening now. I am in a good safe place with good people. I know that its all over its all in the past but my mind, my head is scared. I see things that remind me I smell things that remind me, I hear things that throw me into the past in a matter of seconds. I can not even tell you how I beat myself up about this. I should not be sad anymore, should not remember anymore all the should's that a person could possible have.

I can't stand someone touching my neck, or my hips. I get nauseous with some smells. Sometimes I think I see someone and I literally hide wherever I can, even if that means in the back of the car. So I guess all this is telling me today is that its time to get back to work. There are days that I can't even eat, There are some things that I need to work on, really work on. And I know, its not going to be easy, I am scared, I always worry that I am going to be in pieces on the floor by the time all is said and done, but TRUTH is if I haven't fallen apart yet I am sure I will truly be ok. I may feel like I am falling apart but if the past is a predictor then I am sure I will make it through this too. I am just not so sure what the process is going to be like.

The book that I am reading is pretty awesome and he talks about in order to heal and become a survivor you have to take care of yourself ?!? oh I do not like that part. I am always last on the list every one else's needs and wants are so much more important than mine. But this is something that is really important to me. I know and understand that to a lot of people  I should be fine should be "over" it all but I tell you this is a lifelong journey. I can tell you I am pissed that I am not through yet, I have worked really really really hard and yet there is still more work to do and it is not at all easy. If this were as easy as turning off a light switch I would do it in a second and healing just is not so cut and dry.  I always talk about how I see and experience life different and this is no exception.  I experience life around me today through how I experienced life in the past and trying to balance both worlds is not an easy thing. When the past makes such an impact that I hurt myself I just can't ignore or hide it anymore, as much as that absulutly sucks.

I had someone recently explain it as if I were in a major traumatic car accident and needed many surgeries and life long care and treatment, I wouldn't think less of them. I wouldn't think that they were weak.  I wouldn't think anything terrible of that person for getting the care that they needed? Right?!? Why no of coarse not....but with me you don't see the trauma, you don't see the broken heart most of the time, you don't see the damage and experience the pain and hurt. I have said before there are times that I wish there was some kind of outward wound for people to understand and maybe be a little gentler a little kinder, that that might just make the difference and that is not only for others but for myself.

So when I hurt my own arm, that was a wake up call, that I am just not willing to ignore. I feel so very weak in the fact that I did it in the first place, that I am not strong enough to just take a simple shower but for me as everyone knows nothing is that simple. So here's to the next steps and see where I am headed next but I hope its a little more peaceful and a lot less crazy. I am even hoping for some peaceful sleep maybe at Thanksgiving, Maybe ? Hopefully?

I heart your heart.

The Why's that can't be answered but still need to be heard.

 So some say what is the point of asking the why questions that there are no answers for. And to that I say, it's because they need to be heard they need to be acknowledged, they need to be felt. I have so very many of those questions and I don't understand a single one of them but I also know that the need to just get them out is huge. I know that most of them can't be answered, that I will never know the answers but I have a need for them to be heard for others to understand where I am coming from. I don't need to be shut down, saying not to worry about the things I can never answer I get that part, I really do. But I have to be heard and listened too, that seems pretty big for me lately.

For me, it's about someone understanding why I have questions and that being ok. I think those why questions have always come with sadness for me, and lately things are changing, I am finding myself getting more angry at those questions. Sometimes the sadness is so intense so real that there are not even any tears. I mean I am crier, I cry a lot of the time and I am not doing that, I feel it building and that is not a good thing either, but right now there just are no tears, my heart is broken and I need to be heard.

I am angry. I am really angry. I am about as close to pissed as I have ever been. It may even be

FURIOUS.

I can't believe the fact that so many people stood by, I am so angry that people won't talk about the things that are right in front of their face. I am angry that people are not more outraged by the number of stories that are heard on the news day after day. I am tired of being ignored, tired of my feelings not mattering, and tired that I still have to fight my past. Angry is not really in my realm of emotions, I can get angry for everyone else, I can get angry at the injustices that others have to face but for me that anger has not been there. Every once in awhile it will come out in little pieces but nothing like this.

Eric wanted me to watch a movie, just the first little part. And it was disturbing very disturbing. There is this little baby who parents drown in the ocean. And this little one is screaming on the beach, trying to get someone to help him and no one notices, no one even sees him or if they do they ignore. 2 People come close and no one does a thing. One woman stops sees the baby crying, and ignores. Another man is more than close; close enough to touch this little baby screaming by the sea shore and still ignores. And the feelings oh my goodness I have been that baby most of my life. And it is just making me so very angry, and I don't understand at all. I am angry that I have been ignored, that others have turned the other way.

It's making me angry at people in my life that have stood by and done nothing. People whose mission is helping wounded woman and yet, there is nothing for me, Family that should be there that should support are not and its so much more than sad its furious and I don't understand. People who know my struggle with faith and God and yet I am not seen. These are the things that I don't understand, that I am angry about. I don't understand the logistics of how things have worked in my life.

And I think part of the reason that I am so frustrated, is because I have a few really good people in my life that are sticking with me, that bless me beyond anything that I could imagine. It makes me realize just how not right all those other people are and it breaks my heart. And the people that are sticking with me are not related to me, they in no way have to be there for me but they are. They are in more ways than I could ever imagine becoming my people. They are truly becoming my family and for that I am more than grateful. I think that in having these people and feeling so blessed it makes me realize, just how crappy that I have been treated and its really not ok with me. I just can not be treated so terribly anymore, I will not be ignored and treated like I am second class. With that means, cutting some strings, saying goodbye and getting really angry at the questions that can't be answered. At the people that haven't helped and don't have my best interests at heart. So maybe it's my time to be angry and the tears will come when they need to come.

I need to be surrounded by people who want good things for my heart, and appreciate and be grateful for them. Those are the people that are good for me that care for me that want good things for me. Those are the ones that I must keep close and treasure. I am not sure what this getting angry means, I know that it is not going to be comfortable or fun. But this is a necessity for me to get over this next roadblock. So here I come .

I heart your heart.