The Why's that can't be answered but still need to be heard.

 So some say what is the point of asking the why questions that there are no answers for. And to that I say, it's because they need to be heard they need to be acknowledged, they need to be felt. I have so very many of those questions and I don't understand a single one of them but I also know that the need to just get them out is huge. I know that most of them can't be answered, that I will never know the answers but I have a need for them to be heard for others to understand where I am coming from. I don't need to be shut down, saying not to worry about the things I can never answer I get that part, I really do. But I have to be heard and listened too, that seems pretty big for me lately.

For me, it's about someone understanding why I have questions and that being ok. I think those why questions have always come with sadness for me, and lately things are changing, I am finding myself getting more angry at those questions. Sometimes the sadness is so intense so real that there are not even any tears. I mean I am crier, I cry a lot of the time and I am not doing that, I feel it building and that is not a good thing either, but right now there just are no tears, my heart is broken and I need to be heard.

I am angry. I am really angry. I am about as close to pissed as I have ever been. It may even be

FURIOUS.

I can't believe the fact that so many people stood by, I am so angry that people won't talk about the things that are right in front of their face. I am angry that people are not more outraged by the number of stories that are heard on the news day after day. I am tired of being ignored, tired of my feelings not mattering, and tired that I still have to fight my past. Angry is not really in my realm of emotions, I can get angry for everyone else, I can get angry at the injustices that others have to face but for me that anger has not been there. Every once in awhile it will come out in little pieces but nothing like this.

Eric wanted me to watch a movie, just the first little part. And it was disturbing very disturbing. There is this little baby who parents drown in the ocean. And this little one is screaming on the beach, trying to get someone to help him and no one notices, no one even sees him or if they do they ignore. 2 People come close and no one does a thing. One woman stops sees the baby crying, and ignores. Another man is more than close; close enough to touch this little baby screaming by the sea shore and still ignores. And the feelings oh my goodness I have been that baby most of my life. And it is just making me so very angry, and I don't understand at all. I am angry that I have been ignored, that others have turned the other way.

It's making me angry at people in my life that have stood by and done nothing. People whose mission is helping wounded woman and yet, there is nothing for me, Family that should be there that should support are not and its so much more than sad its furious and I don't understand. People who know my struggle with faith and God and yet I am not seen. These are the things that I don't understand, that I am angry about. I don't understand the logistics of how things have worked in my life.

And I think part of the reason that I am so frustrated, is because I have a few really good people in my life that are sticking with me, that bless me beyond anything that I could imagine. It makes me realize just how not right all those other people are and it breaks my heart. And the people that are sticking with me are not related to me, they in no way have to be there for me but they are. They are in more ways than I could ever imagine becoming my people. They are truly becoming my family and for that I am more than grateful. I think that in having these people and feeling so blessed it makes me realize, just how crappy that I have been treated and its really not ok with me. I just can not be treated so terribly anymore, I will not be ignored and treated like I am second class. With that means, cutting some strings, saying goodbye and getting really angry at the questions that can't be answered. At the people that haven't helped and don't have my best interests at heart. So maybe it's my time to be angry and the tears will come when they need to come.

I need to be surrounded by people who want good things for my heart, and appreciate and be grateful for them. Those are the people that are good for me that care for me that want good things for me. Those are the ones that I must keep close and treasure. I am not sure what this getting angry means, I know that it is not going to be comfortable or fun. But this is a necessity for me to get over this next roadblock. So here I come .

I heart your heart.