Other words because I don't have the right ones. These are all others words, they just spoke to my heart. It's just so sad.
She’s screaming, so loud
I can hear her now.
She’s biting that stuffed koala bear,
To muffle and drown out the sounds.
Her tiny body; penetrated.
Every ounce of her enraged,
By all of this terror,
Powerlessness, and shame.
So much has changed
Inside of her over the years.
But when I hear her screaming,
It still reduces me to tears.
I want to reach out,
And grab hold of her,
And love her;
Pull her safely into my arms.
I want to rescue and restore her.
She fought so hard,
But she couldn’t save herself.
And the pain transformed her
Into somebody else.
She spent her life surviving;
Never understanding
How to live.
She knew no way of thriving;
She had nothing left to give.
And when these nightmares
Swiftly come,
There’s no place left
For me to run.
It’s just me
And my nightmares,
And all of this pain.
The feelings and memories
I cannot erase.
I cannot avoid them;
Each moment, vividly clearer.
No more starving it away,
Or purging it out;
No more turning it all on myself,
In the mirror.
So here I sit,
On my bedroom floor;
Just as I did,
All those decades before.
I am sitting once again,
In front of this piece of glass;
Holding onto different questions,
Than the ones I used to ask.
I used to sit in this very position;
Arms hugging my knees so tight.
And I would tell myself:
“You will make it; you will make it;
Just take a deep breath.
You will survive it again tonight.”
But little girls
Shouldn’t carry such things.
They shouldn’t have to worry,
About anything.
I sat in front of that bedroom mirror,
Afraid, and without a safe home.
And it didn’t matter which house I was in,
Because I always felt alone.
It was just me and my secrets,
And my ability to keep them hidden,
And this innate obsession
With protecting everyone from them.
I did what I thought I needed to do,
But I had no idea
What would happen to me;
After years and years,
Of not facing that abuse.
I’ve worked so hard
To recover from this;
To move beyond the weight of it.
But when I am triggered,
And these nightmares come,
I’m still so afraid,
And there’s nowhere left to run.
And so here I sit,
In front of my mirror.
Arms hugging knees,
With visions grow clearer.
And I stare at myself;
At this woman’s, frame and shape;
At all of her scars,
That cannot be erased.
Frantically searching,
For that scared little girl.
I can still hear her,
But I can’t seem to find her,
No matter how hard I try.
But as I slow down
And I take a deep breath,
I look up and there she is,
With those piercing
Dark brown eyes.
Behind those eyes,
Is where she’ll always be;
For she doesn’t see the world
Like me.
She wasn’t very happy.
And I have to stop
Expecting her to be.
She is allowed
To cry out,
When she is triggered.
She is allowed to break down,
When these memories come.
It is not my job
To silence her pain.
It’s my job
To make her feel safe, and loved.
And somehow,
That has to be enough.
All I can give her,
Is the love
She deserved to have.
I’ve had to learn
To be her guardian;
To be the mother
She never had.
So here we sit, together;
Her big piercing eyes,
Inside my woman’s frame.
And I remind her
That she’s safe,
And that things
Are vastly different;
Even though
In this moment,
They still feel the same.
I breathe in deeply
And I let it out slowly,
As I press my forehead
Against the glass.
And we sit here together,
Exhausted and weathered;
As we wait for these feelings,
To pass.
She needed someone to come. She needed someone to pick her up and tell her she was loved; that it wasn’t her fault; that she’d rise above the ashes she’d become, because of what he’s done. But it’s not that bad; yeah I keep telling myself that.”
“Nothing can fully erase this damage; this havoc you’ve brought to my heart. But I swear on my life I will mend it enough, that I’m no longer afraid of the dark
Powerful words from Anthony Hopkins:
''Let go of people who aren't ready to love you yet! This is the hardest thing you'll have to do in your life and it will also be the most important thing: stop giving your love to those who aren't ready to love you yet.
Stop hard conversations with people who don't want to change.
Stop showing up for people who are indifferent to your presence.
Stop loving people who aren't ready to love you.
I know your instincts do everything to win the good mercy of everyone around you, but it's also the impulse that will steal your time, energy and mental, physical and spiritual health.
When you start manifesting yourself in your life, completely, with joy, interest and commitment, not everyone will be ready to find you in this place of pure sincerity.
That doesn't mean that you have to change who you are. That means you have to stop loving people who don't want to love you yet.
When you are excluded, subtly offended, forgotten or easily ignored by people you give time to, you don't do yourself any favour by allowing them your energy and your life.
The truth is that you're not for everyone...
And that not everyone is for you...
That makes this world so special, when you find the few people you have friendship, love or a true relationship with...
You will know how valuable that is...
Because you have experienced what isn't...
But the more time you spend trying to make you loved by someone who cant...
The more time you waste depriving the same connection...
There are billions of people on this planet, and many of them will end up with you, on their level, with their vibration, from where they stand...
But...
The smaller you stay, involved in the privacy of people who use you as a pillow, background option, a therapist and a strategy for their emotional healing...
More time you stay out of the community you wish for.
If you stop showing up, you might be less wanted...
If you stop trying, the relationship might stop...
If you stop texting, your phone stays dark for days and weeks...
Maybe if you stop loving someone, the love between you will dissolve...
That doesn't mean you ruined a relationship!
That means all this relationship had was the energy that only you and you hire to keep it in the air.
It's not love.
That's attachment.
That's wanting to give a chance to those who don't want it!
The most valuable and most important thing you have in your life is your energy.
Its not just your time because it's limited...
It's your energy!
What you give every day is what will become more and more in your life.
It's the ones you give time and energy that will define your existence.
When you realize this, you start to understand why you are so impatient when you spend your time with people that don't suit you, and in activities, places, situations that don't suit you.
You're starting to realize that the most important thing you can do for your life, for yourself and for everyone you know, protect your energy stronger than anything.
Turn your life into a safe sanctuary where only '' compatible '' people with you are allowed.
You are not responsible for saving people.
You are not responsible to convince them to be saved.
It's not your job to exist for people and give them your life, little by little, moment after the moment!
Because if you feel bad or if you feel obliged; you are the root of all of this by your insisting, afraid they promise you the favors you won't give them...
It's your only fact to realize that you are the loved one of your destiny and to accept the love you think you deserve.
Decide you deserve a true friendship.
Wait then... just a minute...
And look how everything is starting to change..."
Anthony Hopkins
I write about things that stole my wings, and pinned me down against my will. You broke me and changed me as you kept me in chains, and the thought of it still makes me ill.”
“I wake up, sometimes still unable to breathe. Hands shaking, as sheer panic takes over me. I try to walk steady, on these razor sharp feet. They’ve been cut up and bloodied, from years of defeat. But you won’t take me down. You won’t silence me. My heart beats now, for those who cradle and hold it, and for this fierce warrior, who’s skin is draped around it. You don’t own this heart inside me. It is mine, and mine alone, to its very core. You made me think hope was lost, but I found it; oh how I dug so deep down to reclaim it, and I am not your prisoner anymore.”
“Sweetheart, you are in pain. Relax. Take a breath. Let's pay attention to what is happening. Then we'll figure out what to do.”
Sylvia Boorstein
Happiness Is an Inside Job: Practicing for a Joyful Life
A huge thank you to Aundi Kolber, who introduced me to these words this morning. If you don’t know Aundi’s work (Her amazing book is entitled Try Softer: A Fresh Approach to Move Us out of Anxiety, Stress, and Survival Mode--and into a Life of Connection and Joy) you should. In any case, this quote she posted on Instagram stopped me in my tracks.
Many times when I’m seeking healing, I whirl and careen around trying to fix myself and my circumstances. In those moments, what I always need to do is to come to a place of stillness and to pay attention.
The quote she posted by the author Sylvia Boorstein is about self compassion. That makes such sense to me. I think loving someone else is simply paying attention. Noticing. Seeing. So, of course, the same is true of self-love. 
Notice what is going on in your body, mind, and spirit today. A big part of getting to where you want to be is honoring where you are at in this moment.
“And this is what it looks like, to walk through life after surviving trauma. Even though the events may be over, you still feel like you’re blindfolded; unable to see. You’re so afraid, to open your eyes. Your hands still feel like they’re tied up in knots, and you’re still all mixed up inside.”
“Hey there Little, it’s me; big. There are some things that you should know. I owe you my life. You’re the reason we survived. You are with me, wherever I go. Never again will I silence your voice, that still lingers deep inside. You my Little, are the bravest hero.”
“There’s an invisible wall, between me and my dreams. And if it’s the last thing I do, I will shatter this thing.”
"Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining."
Anne Lamott
You should have killed me, you selfish bastard. I would have been better off dead. Now I fight to exist; hands clenched in tight fists, as these demons just dance in my head.”
“They tell me it happened a long time ago. They tell me by now, I should be free. They tell me it’s my job to save my own soul; that I alone, hold the key. But they don’t understand the power he holds; these horrific flashbacks and memories. Not once have they ever stopped and asked themselves why, or what it must have been like, to be me.”
“Round and round in a circle it spins; this never ending trauma. She faces her triggers the best that she can. It’s her survival; but you call it drama. You shouldn’t mock a strength that you could never understand, or a path that you haven’t walked. He stole her voice; she had no choice, so please don’t silence her, when she finally talks.”
