Endure

 I don't know what it is and why lately I do not feel ok.  Sure there is a part that is physical waiting for referrals and Dr's to do what they are supposed to. Something is not ok, and I feel like its something that has to be quietly dealt with. That is one piece of this heart and mind, but there is another huge piece that seems to be forgotten. Everyone assumes that a person is fine.  They smile and are a contributing member of society, yet when they are alone the demons take over and eat at the core of who they are.  I do not have a thick skin and it seems lately so many things are getting in and I can assure you I am not ok. There are not people on my side, people that have my back regardless.  Even the ones I live with, they sway and go with decisions that serve them best, ignoring all the rest.   

One of my sweet students says time and time again every single day; I am so happy Ms.Callahan are you happy, I hold my heart, smile and say yes I am happy as it feels like another little sword another little crack in my heart because I want nothing more than to feel that sweetness that innocence and I just don't.  There are absolutely times I feel happy, when all is well with the world. I long for  that inner happy, that is the part that I do not have.  The part where I am happy in my own skin because I am me.

There are moments that I have it, at least a sliver of it, enjoying the breeze, teaching, my kids, but they are fleeting.  There is a sadness that is so deep and so tender that never ever goes away and that is what I need to get ahold of and figure out and make it something different. Something softer, less painful and not all encompassing. I am that willow tree: punch me rape me beat me I always keep moving, smiling and breathing .  Make me feel less than, speak down to me, tell me that was great but.....and I smile take it all in, like I need any more reasons to add to my list of why I am such an unworthy human . 

I endure it all always, I don't ask why, I don't want someone to fix me. I just want kindness , kind words, patience, understanding and gentleness, I need gentle. I am not sure there is enough gentle in the world for what I need, that is terrifying.  I am exhausted, and looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. 

I heart your heart. 

Please world send gentle understanding kindness my way