Sitting in Courage

 I was asked what sitting in courage would look like to me and these two pictures were the things that just made sense to me. I do not see myself as courageous, I just do the things that need to be done.  I will face the beast , I will risk everything to make those hard choices in life.  The truth is I am a huge chicken really, I am scared every second of every day with every breathe that I take.  I am scared that all that I fight for will slip away with no warning and just be gone, like sand slipping through my fingers. I worry that the things that I am fighting for are things not meant for me and I am fighting for nothing.   Things, people leave in my life, there are not things that stay more than a season. There are not things that stay for the pain and the sad.  There are not people in my everyday to hold my heart as I fight the fight of my life.   I feel like there are so many big huge things ahead that are so much bigger than me.  I want to tame them, make them small and insignificant. I want to win over these things that are larger than life, but everyday I wonder if its possible.  I want to be bigger than the things that I face.  I want to be brave, and fierce but I feel in this moment that the things that I face are gargantuan and add that to all the other things that are on my plate and I am overwhelmed.  

I want to be strong, I want to face the monsters with kindness and gentleness ; gently push them to the side and tell them their time is done. I want to be so strong and beat them, eave them in some lovely dust.  I am just very very tired.  I look at these pictures and that is how I wish I saw the things that are in front of me, instead of this looming overwhelming black hole, but to be completely honest I do not.  They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and I don't believe that. I am not stronger, I am bruised and hurt and will do almost anything to get to the place where I feel free, where my heart doesn't feel so fragile.  I know the things that I have survived, and I hope with every cell in my body that this next step will be easier than I think and more freeing than I could ever imagine. There is a part of me that holds on to hope yet there is another part that is screaming for me to give up.  I know that I never give up, I will never let them win.  But their incessant screaming wares on a persons soul. 

Maybe it is courage that I am sitting in. But either way I feel same . If I believe it or not that changes nothing.  My heart is still heavy, with a soul wanting to speak but unable to find the words needed to break free. The only reason that I am holding on to these shards of hope that things are going to be different, that things are going to be better, is some unimaginable strength that I don't understand. Some day my heart will rest, knowing I have done all there is to do. Someday sleep with come, with no vividness of the things I have survived.  My dreams will be of babies laughing and animals swimming free and happy.  I can close my eyes and see it, imagine that it would be like finally finding that soft place to fall and really truly feeling that nothing in the world would ever take it away.  Yes that someday, but its not today and so I keep fighting.  Fighting for the world that I long for , a place where my heart can genuinely rest. Just rest then I can sit in the courage that I have always had.