I hate being a girl

 There are so many things running through my heart.  I hate being a girl. I hate having a body that doesn't fight back, that doesn't fee safe.  In my lifetime girls had terrible jobs to do,  and the things that are expected are things that are too heavy for any man woman or child to bear on their own.  I feel like my mind is exploding with thoughts and the only thing that comes are tears.  I had to go to the Dr today, and I  hated every second. I only went for my children.  The nurse was nice, she was kind.  That was a great thing.  The Dr was very young, it felt like he was going through a list in his head of all the things he was supposed to ask, and tell me.  So I have to have a mammogram, and go to the gynecologist, the things that my nightmares are made of.  I am supposed to purposefully go.....that is hard to wrap my head around.  I hate being a girl I hate the Dr's we have to see, and I hate having a chest I would gladly give away, get rid of them; hang them up for good if that was even a possibility.  The only time that I liked being a girl was being pregnant, making sure that I did everything right for my sweet babies. Feeling them move, hearing those little hearts, that was a good time as a girl when nothing else mattered. I am scared as a girl but also know that being a boy can be just as scary I would imagine. Somehow that doesn't make me feel better.  Being a girl is a burden that I can not change that I can not get away from; that I can not escape.  I can tell you there are too many times that I would give almost anything not to be in my girl body, and not have had to endure all that my body did. Even sometimes to this  very day, I feel things in my bones that I have no control over.  I can do everything in my power but the memories and pictures play and there is no escape. There is no peace.  This is the skin I was born in and what has happened happened and there is no going back no making things clean , no making things less painful or traumatic.  It's just the life that I was given. I hate the attention and focus. I hated it even more when I was skinny.  When Men would make comments, like I was asking for attention; I was not and never did I want attention ever, ever ,ever.  I hate Dr's and having to be aware of the skin that I am in . I hate being a girl and having a chest, I hate being a girl and being so vulnerable all the time.  I don't understand why being a girl gave people the right to take what they want and not even think about the consequences. I hate being a girl and having things taken before they were even realized as a gift.  So I am sad, sad that I can't enjoy being a woman, that I can not stand proud in my own skin and be amazed at the body I am in . Instead I live ashamed of my own skin, the things that I feel  and the things that can be so carelessly taken at any fucking moment. Sometimes being a girl, is heartbreaking, today is that day.  

I heart your heart.